Metanoia
by PleaOfInsanity
Summary: (n). the journey of changing one's mind, heart, self or way of life. Like negatively charged magnets, they came together only to be thrown apart every time. Sequel to The Mess that We'll Become.
1. Lacuna

*PLEASE READ THE MESS THAT WE'LL BECOME BEFORE YOU READ THIS STORY. THANK YOU*

Metanoia

Chapter 1: Lacuna

* * *

 _How strange to think  
we once were  
lovers ~ LA Dispute_

"So it's not off course, it's trespassing." Steve turned to Natasha and struggled not to roll his eyes during the debriefing of their latest mission. A SHIELD ship, _Lumarian Star,_ had been hijacked by pirates and it needed retrieving. Of course, in Fury's typical way, neither of them had been told it was a SHIELD ship until right before the drop AND they hadn't been told that the ship was trespassing in international waters.

"I'm sure they had a good reason," Natasha replied casually, glancing at Steve. He met her gaze, his brow furrowed and angry.

"Yeah? Well, I'm getting a little tired of being Fury's janitor." He gave her a pointed look, watching as she shrugged her shoulders lightly.

"Relax, it's not that complicated." She gave him a tiny smirk and gestured for Brock Rumlow of S.T.R.I.K.E to continue talking. Steve sucked in a breath to control his temper and focused his attention back on the debriefing.

"How many pirates?" he asked, listening as Rumlow continued giving them information.

25 pirates were what they had to face aboard the _Lumarian Star_. They were lead by a French-Algerian, ex-DGSE by the name of Georges Batroc who was wanted by Interpol for his violent and demanding history.

Natasha was right about one thing, the mission would be a cakewalk… yet, something still didn't sit right with Steve.

"There are two, level 7 SHIELD agents aboard the ship too," Rumlow concluded, sweeping up on the screen to reveal their identities. "Jasper Sitwell and –"

"Aurora Dugan." Steve couldn't stop the name from escaping his lips. He felt like the air had been sucked from his lungs. He barely felt Natasha's hand on his arm. His ears rang and his eyes burned as he stared, unblinking, at her face on the screen above them.

She looked different, her skin pale and taught across her bones as if she'd lost a lot of weight. Her hair was cut bluntly around her chin and it was blond, brassy like it had been from a bottle too many times over. Her eyes had also lost all their warmth and his heart ached to see what she'd become.

"Agent Aurora Dugan, recently reinstated with SHIELD after defecting for 2 years with ASIS," Rumlow explained, flashing her file up before their eyes.

"ASIS?" Steve managed to choke out.

"Australian Secret Intelligence Service," Natasha replied in a soft voice. Steve glanced at her, finding her face almost unreadable. Her fingers slipped from his arm and he wondered if she knew what had happened to Aurora after she'd disappeared almost 2 years earlier.

"You know her?" Rumlow asked, his grin widening. "I trained Rory myself at ASIS. She was the leader of their STRIKE unit but she was asked to come back to SHIELD," he explained and Steve had to turn away.

The familiarity of which he spoke about her cut through him too easily.

"By who?" he asked, hoping to high hell it wasn't Fury who had asked her back. He'd probably lose his mind if Fury had found her and had said nothing.

"Alexander Pierce. He got a hold of her file and realized what we'd let go," Rumlow replied and Steve let out a breath.

He had grieved for her after she'd left. Searched for months, even though he was told to stop on many occasions he just plain and simple couldn't. He hated Aurora for what she'd done to him and her family. It had been 2 years almost to the day that she'd been gone. Maggie had had a little girl and was expecting again, Tim had retired from the military and had moved back to Boston, Dumdum had rejoined SHIELD and Peggy had joined the department of veterans' affairs to oversee the military's rehab program for returned soldiers.

But Aurora knew none of this because she was selfish and conceited and only thought about herself. He thought he would be ok if he saw her again – but he wasn't. He would never be just ok when it came to her. Not now and not ever.

He clenched his fists and turned back, relieved that her image was gone. He sucked in a deep breath and started giving orders.

"Rumlow you sweep fast, find the hostages, get them to the rescue pods and get them out. Nat, engine room. I'll take Batroc." He gestured between himself and Natasha, pulling his thoughts together. Aurora was a thread he didn't want to pull right now. He needed to concentrate on the mission at hand. He wasn't going to lose one single hostage that night.

"STRIKE, you heard the Captain, gear up," Rumlow ordered his crew in a loud voice as Steve turned away and headed for his gear. "Let's go get our girl back."

Steve didn't say anything until Natasha was right beside him.

"Secure channel seven."

"Seven secure."

"Did you know she was back?" he asked in a low voice. He didn't want to look at his friend incase he saw the lie but he looked anyway and found her face unreadable. Her jaw ticking rhythmically as she clenched and unclenched her jaw was the only sign she was as shaken as he was.

"No. I swear I had no idea," Natasha answered him quickly and Steve believed her. Aurora had been a friend to Natasha once upon a time. It had hit the Russian just as hard when she'd left without a trace. It had hit them all hard.

"Did you know she was working for ASIS?" He kept his eyes on his gear. He couldn't bear to look anywhere else incase Natasha caught the look in his eye. He knew he had the look of a broken man, a look that he'd tried so hard to lose over the last 2 years but wasn't sure he would ever accomplished that. The Widow had pulled him back from the edge, literally and metaphorically, only once and Steve vowed never to go back there again. For his sake and hers.

"I'd heard rumors that they had someone new on their team, someone who went by the alias of _The Southern Cross._ I had wondered if our Northern Lights had become her but the things I hear about her are deadly," Natasha said in a low voice. She glanced at Steve and Steve caught her green eyed stare. "Red Room deadly. I didn't think it could be her. I heard the Australian's were Hydra in disguise. It's easy to do whatever you want when you're the bottom of the world... But if Rory was there then no… I don't want to believe it."

Steve didn't say anything to that. Instead he just mulled over Natasha's words. She'd left SHIELD and had become an assassin. He doubted she'd join Hydra, refused to believe it actually, but he'd believe the assassin part. Aurora had always had a deadly stubborn streak when pushed. The kind of mentality that if someone said ' _you can't_ '. She'd say ' _watch me_ '.

However, the memory of a Hydra base takedown in Papua New Guinea flashed through his mind. He had been so damn sure he'd seen her. She'd helped him, kissed him, run away from him. He felt sick to think that he might have pushed her to Hydra. That she had run right into their arms, angry and betrayed and had made the mistake of her life.

"You doin' anything fun Saturday night?" Natasha asked after a few beats of silence and he knew she was changing the subject on him. He knew she was trying to pull his head out of a dark place right before a mission and he appreciated that. He needed to focus on this mission if they wanted to get in and out with no causalities. They'd talk about this later.

"Well, all the guys in my barbershop quartet at dead, so no, not really," he replied dryly, watching as she smirked at his response. He punched the hanger door button and listened to the sounds of the world outside rush in toward them. It was dark and cold and he knew there was an ocean somewhere down below. His heartbeat thudded in his chest again and this time it was with the thrill of the mission.

"You know, if you asked Kristen out, from Statistics, she'd probably say yes," Nat added and he let out a quiet sigh. He didn't want Kristen from Statistics. He wanted a reinstated SHIELD agent who was currently a hostage on the ship below.

"That's why I don't ask," he said, his voice loud over the noise of the wind. He buckled his helmet.

"Too shy or too scared?" Natasha's voice was faint as he stepped to the edge of the ramp.

He flipped his shield to his back. He was neither of those. He just wasn't interested. He hadn't been since she left because as much as he hated her for leaving, he still loved her. No one else would ever compare to her.

"Too busy," he called over his shoulder before he recklessly jumped headfirst into the cold, dark night without a second thought.

* * *

Rory Dugan watched a mercenary stalk past her for the third time, listening as he spouted off threats and profanity in French. Things were getting a little tense on the satellite launch ship. After the ship had been hijacked, everyone on board – crew and agents – had been tied up and thrown in the galley with no other word on what was going to happen to them.

The woman beside Rory was sobbing quietly and she wondered exactly when Fury was going to send in his backup. These people weren't field operatives. They had basic training but that was it. They all had families that they needed to get back to, lives they had to live. They were normal people, going about their jobs. Nothing about them screamed combat and none of them were equipped to fight back.

So naturally, they were terrified.

She'd known from the start that the pirates would take over the ship. Fury had been the one to hire them. It was why she hadn't fought back when they'd stormed the ship, telling Jasper that there was just too many of them for her to take and it would be safer for all to just go with what they wanted. Jasper had bought the lie thankfully, but now time was running out and she didn't have a backup plan.

" _I have a bullet for someone…"_ The merc snarled like a caged lion and Rory's eyes tracked him again. "You want a bullet in your head?" he snapped in English. He kicked a tech's boot. " _Move that boot – you want a bullet in your head?_ "

"Do you think SHIELD has sent anyone yet?" she asked out of the corner of her mouth.

"Hopefully," Jasper replied, glancing at her with a blank face.

Jasper Sitwell had been her close friend once and she'd trusted him with her life, until he'd admitted to her that he was Hydra and that she should join him on the metaphorical dark side.

She'd taken the bait of course. It had been part of her mission to infiltrate Hydra as a double agent but the shock of Jasper lying to her for all those years still stung like hell and made her slightly more bitter at the thought of how many of her other friends might possibly be lying to her. Lies, it seemed, had been apart of her life more than she realized. It was that thought alone that reminded her why she'd left her life behind and taken the double agent gig.

"Well _hopefully_ isn't good enough," she hissed at him, her brow furrowing.

" _Shut up_." Another merc caught them talking and he screamed at them, stalking over to stand above them. " _You want to be a hero? Is that it?"_ he asked.

Rory looked up at him, her eyes catching his in a level, fearless gaze.

"A hero is better than a pirate," she replied through her teeth. He lifted his boot, ready to aim squarely for her jaw when the first merc spoke again.

" _All right, we've waited long enough._ " He went to the door and banged on it with a closed fist. " _Hey, find Batroc. If I don't hear anything in 2 minutes, I'll start killing them._ "

There was a reply from the other side of the door and Aurora shifted uneasily. 2 minutes. She had 2 minutes to figure out a way out of this mess or people would start to die.

Behind her, her hands worked furiously to get through the plastic ties around her wrist. Her skin was peeling and bleeding but she clenched her teeth through the pain as she popped her thumb from its socket to hopefully slide it through the ties.

"Did you see that?" Jasper murmured to her and she glanced up in time to see a black helmet and goggles disappear from view at the small window. She grinned when she realized help was finally there.

"STRIKE?" she questioned, knowing that they would be aided by the Black Widow. Natasha was going to be her point of contact in about 10 minutes to retrieve data off the ship as per Fury's request and she would make it… as long as she made it through the next 60 seconds.

"Probably. I can hardly see your ever faithful German Shepard leaving you behind." Jasper gave an eyeroll and Rory nudged him, her wrist popping free with the movement.

I'd hardly call him _mine,_ " she hissed, shaking her head and breathing through her nose as pain shot up her arm.

" _Bullshit_ ," Jasper huffed.

He was talking about Brock Rumlow, her trainer, mentor and leader of SHIELD's STRIKE unit. They'd become close in the year and a bit he'd been training her in Australia. She wanted to say it was purely for her mission – get close to the all-powerful leader and learn more secrets – but she did like his company. He was a jackass at times but she wasn't exactly the nicest person either. She dealt with it though, went along with whatever the hell they were because at the end of the day, this was her mission and she'd do anything for it.

She'd lost too much to not commit.

" _Time is up_ ," the first merc called out and Rory looked around to see where he was. _"Who dies first_?"

" _This one_." A boot connected with her shoulder, jolting her hands together hard enough that her thumb popped back in with a snap. She hissed and glared up at him, wishing they hadn't stripped her of her weapons when they'd cornered her in the galley.

"It must be my lucky day." She rolled her eyes, blowing some blonde hair out of her eyes.

"You're a mouthy little American, aren't you?" he sneered at her, bending down so he was eyelevel with her. "Tell me, why are you dressed differently to them? Do you not work for them?"

She looked from her uniform and back, holding his gaze. He was observant, she'd give him that much. Her tactical uniform was slightly different to the tech uniforms and she had a Southern Cross constellation embroidered down her bicep. She had kept her ASIS alias when she rejoined SHIELD because Northern Lights had nothing left for her except bad memories. The Southern Cross had been the birth of something new and something deadly, determination turning her into something she never dreamed she'd become:

 _Free_.

Free from lies and deceit. Free from the shadow of a woman who had been big shoes to fill, of a man who's name was half the reason for her success, and a lover who had been her everything.

Rory was her own person now. Her skills were a reflection of herself and not just her family. The Southern Cross reflected that better than any other codename could.

"I'm just a different department," she lied as he crouched in front of her, his face closing in on hers.

"And what department is that?" he asked, his hands coming to rest on her knees.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you…" Jasper said, watching Rory's eyes narrow. The pirate turned to him, raising an eyebrow.

"And why not?"

Shots fired around the galley as S.T.R.I.K.E moved together as one, tearing the place apart in a matter of seconds.

"I'm one of them," she growled at him, grabbing the pirate by the ears in the mayhem caused by the gunfire. She yanked him forward, slamming his face into her knees, and she grinned as she felt the sickening crunch of his nose breaking against them. She threw him to the side in an unconscious heap.

The last pirate fell at her feet as the door burst open and Brock Rumlow strode in, the rest of his team in tow.

"I told you: SHIELD doesn't negotiate," Jasper deadpanned. Rory laughed and sat forward, taking the knife from the pirate's gear to cut through her ties around her ankles.

"So you had your hands free but you waited for me to save you?" Brock's voice had Rory grinning and she looked up as he stood over her.

"I got them free as you guys stormed the place." She rolled her eyes, reaching over to cut Jasper's ties too. "You took too long."

"Typical that I seem to be saving your ass again." Brock chuckled as he held a hand out for her. She took it, rising to her feet gracefully. He looked down and frowned when he saw the blood around her wrists. The scrapes were already healing thanks to the serum that ran through her veins. It wouldn't be long before there were no marks at all

"Oh I'm sorry I think our last count was 7-6 to me, fuck you very much," she replied, tugging her hand from his before he could comment. Tucking some hair over her ear, she looked down at the unconscious pirate with a sneer

"7-7. I just evened the score, Cupcake." Brock nudged her and she shook her head, rolling her eyes but knowing he was right. His hand brushed her shoulders, too brief for anyone else to notice but she felt it, the intimacy and his worry all conveyed in that movement.

"Oh sure, I _guess_ I'll pay that." She smiled, kissing his cheek. His hands caught her around the hips and he studied her intently, trying to find any more damage done by the pirates. She looked up at him, reaching up to guide his eyes back to hers.

"I'm fine," she said softly and he grinned.

"I know. Just making sure." He winked and then he let her go.

Despite being Hydra, he wasn't a bad person. A little unhinged at times but Rory really couldn't judge him for that. He had a temper that matched her own and when they fought, it was brutal… but he did care about her. In his own way.

It helped that he was the complete opposite to Steve. Made moving on easier… even if moving on was all part of a bigger plan.

She moved away, searching for the pirate who had stripped her of her weapons and when she found him, she distracted herself by strapping her blades and guns back to where they should be.

Rory loved her blades. She had 6 all up and although she was still a great marksman, there was something intimate about the flash of a blade that got her heart racing. They were unique to her now; something her old self wouldn't have touched and they were something of her trademark.

Once they were all secured to her body, she helped Brock free the technicians and ready them for the evac teams that would be arriving within minutes.

"Romanoff missed her rendezvous point," Brock said to her in a low voice as they walked through the ship. He gave her a meaningful look and Rory nodded.

"You think she knows something?" she asked, acting like she was suspicious of the woman she was meant to meet in the control room of the ship.

"Go and find out," he ordered and she nodded, splitting from the group and heading down a corridor to her left. She pulled up the ships schematics on her wrist and followed the arrow to where she needed to be. Moving quickly, she knew time wasn't going to be on her side. It would take more than a few minutes to load the entire hard drive of the ship onto the USB in her pocket and if she took too long someone would come looking for her. If someone came looking for her, her cover would be blown right open, which would be impossibly bad so late in the game.

The sounds of a fight met her ears as she rounded a corner and she skidded to a stop, pressing her back into the cold metal of the ship wall. The lights flooded the deck and shadows danced along it toward her. She drew a knife and crept forward slowly to investigate.

Her breath caught in her throat and her eyes stung when her eyes found the source of the noise.

Two men were fighting on the deck; one a short and stocky French pirate and the other a tall and board Captain who she never thought she'd see again.

He wasn't supposed to be here. Captain America was not supposed to be on this boat. Or was it someone else? The suit _was_ different, a stealthier, navy-blue version of the classic red, white and blue; but she'd knew that shoulder to waist ratio anywhere. It was Steve. There was no one else it could be.

Time froze entirely as she watched Steve and Batroc fight. He moved effortlessly, like he always had ducking, weaving and throwing deadly punches as he fought. Emotions swarmed inside her – pain, hate, love, loss. She'd loved him with all her heart once and he'd lied to her breaking it into pieces small enough that they never quite healed.

She clenched her teeth as he removed his helmet, hearing the simple French spill from his lips. She remembered what it was like to hear him speak like that to her and it made her stomach churn. He was as beautiful as he'd ever been; the cut and powerful jaw and the sweat slicked hair reminded her about why she's been attracted to him in the first place. That seemed like a lifetime ago. Her heart thudded rapidly in her chest as he attached his SHIELD to his back and went in for the most brutal hand-to-hand she'd ever seen.

His hits landed harder and there was a moment there where a look crossed his face that Rory had never seen there before. He looked like he wanted to kill, which was so far out of the person she remembered that she was surprised. Her fingers ran across the scar that ran from one side of her throat to the other absently, remembering how he'd beat himself up so often for killing the man who'd tortured her – even though he'd deserved it.

Steve hadn't ever been a killer, that wasn't what he stood for. He had always been so conscious to reign in his punches, yet the ones he was landing on Batroc were unlike anything she'd ever seen from him before and she wondered what had happened to him while she'd been away.

 _You did that to him_ a small voice in her mind told her, _you shattered him when you left,_ it teased but she pushed it back. She had more important things to worry about than him and she shook herself, getting her mind back on track.

She used his distraction to slip past and into the main control hub of the ship where she found Natasha Romanoff hunched over the keyboard. The redhead looked up, surprise lacing her features as she took in every inch of her old friend.

" _You're_ my contact?" The Russian asked as Rory stalked toward her.

"Come now, is that any way to greet a friend, Agent Romanoff?" She smirked, stopping beside the Russian.

Natasha shrugged.

"Not sure if we're still even that," the assassin replied coolly and Rory mentally winced. She'd burned a hell of a lot of bridges when she'd taken Fury's mission. Some of them she wasn't happy about. "Friend's call other friends when they skip town and become assassins."

"That's fair," she replied softly. Natasha's green eyes studied her for a moment and Rory let them, not hiding anything from the Widow. "Fury didn't tell you, huh?" Rory asked and Natasha shrugged again.

"Fury tells me what I need to know. If he kept it from me, he would have had a reason." She replied. Rory nodded and looked at the monitor lighting up the room in front of them. PASSWORD flashed at them on the screen.

"You need any help?" she asked and, without waiting for a reply, she placed her hands on the keyboard to grant Natasha access to what she needed.

She felt Natasha's green eyes on her but she took a step back and allowed Rory to access the hidden main frame that protected the secrets the _Lumarian Star_ held. The silence was palpable and Rory was sure she could have cut it with one of her knives.

"You've been busy while you've been away," Natasha said in a low voice, leaning her palms on the dash beside Rory. "I'd heard stories of the Australian's new toy… never guessed it was you. There were even rumors that The Southern Cross belonged to Hydra?" The question was evident in her tone but Rory ducked around it.

"Well you know me, Romanoff; get told you can't and I deliver 'can' in spades." She smiled thinly; silently pleased her reputation had made it as far back as Natasha. She'd worked hard to build the name for herself and it had paid off.

"Those spades cost you a lot," her old friend replied casually and Rory glanced at her. "Was it worth it?"

"It will be. Eventually." She nodded, wishing she could tell her old mentor more. But she didn't, because she could and because the door burst open at that exact moment and she turned in shock.

"Oh well, this is awkward," Natasha said from beside her, gaining Steve's attention. For the first time in a long time, Rory didn't know how to act. She didn't know what to do because for the first time in a long time, she was seeing him.

Her heart was in her mouth as Steve slowly rose from where he'd tackled Batroc through the door.

"What are you doing?" Steve demanded, his eyes falling on Rory. Recognition sparked in his features in the next second as their eyes met. The feeling was comparable to fainting; her vision blackened around the edges and her heart jumped painfully behind her ribs. Her mouth was dry. Her breath left her body and didn't return for several long seconds. She felt sick so she turned back to the computer quickly, hoping he would ignore her like she planned to ignore him.

She had been so sure she would hate him on sight whenever she saw him again. She'd thought about it a million times, all of those fantasies ending with her triumphantly telling him to go to hell… but she felt the opposite. After everything that had happened, the only thing she felt for him was a longing, a sense of nostalgia that was more painful than she could have imagined.

The emotions hit her like a tidal wave, threatening to drag her under, and her fingers stumbled on the keys. The computer gave a loud beep in protest and she cleared her throat.

"We're backing up the hard drive, it's a good habit to get into," Natasha answered Steve's question as he moved closer.

"But Rumlow needed your help, what the hell are you doing here?" he demanded. He was close enough to smell now, the familiarity of his leather suit mixed with the faint tang of sweat tickling Rory's senses. She swallowed hard, keeping her eyes forward. He paused, his eyes scanning the screens in front of them. "You're saving SHIELD intel." He figured out, his voice right by her ear.

"Anything I can get my hands on," Natasha agreed. "With some help." She elbowed Rory, smirking when she met her eye. It felt like old times for a moment again and Rory treasured that feeling.

"Our mission was to rescue hostages," Steve snapped in a frustrated voice. Natasha gave a small sigh, the moment gone.

"No, that's _your_ mission," Natasha replied and the computer beeped. Rory reached around Steve and pulled the USB from the port before handing it to Natasha. "And you've done it beautifully."

Rory stepped away but was stopped by Steve's hand around her arm. She glanced up at him, her eyes flashing with annoyance and found him glaring at Natasha.

"You just jeopardized this whole mission," he growled at Natasha. He looked down at her, the fury in his eyes cutting through her. "And _you,_ " he hissed, his gripped tightening as he pulled her closer. "What the _hell_ are you doing here, Aurora?"

"It's _Rory_ and I'm doing my job," she hissed, physically flinching away from his voice, fighting every fiber of her being to not pull a blade on him. He was crowding into her space and she met his hot gaze with equal intensity. "Do you mind giving me a little space, Captain?"

"Not really. Last time I did that, I never heard from you again," he shot back, making her lip curl in a sneer.

"Don't think you're going to hear from me after right now, either," she replied tersely. "Like I said, I'm here for my job. The one you said I couldn't do. Now let me _go_."

His frown deepened but he didn't back off. If anything he got closer, his grip tight enough around her arm that it was making her fingers tingle.

"Oh that's right, you ran away and became an _assassin_ ," he stated, ignoring her request. She could smell the leather of his suit and the sweat on his brow, mingled with the ever-familiar _CK Eternity_ that he always wore. It made her sick how much she still loved that smell. " _That's_ how you prove to me you're ok? By killing people?" he hissed, his fingers flexing and clenching as he restrained himself.

Her jaw clenched painfully and she looked away from him.

"What I do with my life is _none_ of your concern." She said hotly. "Now kindly get your hand off me before I remove it." Her free hand went to the dagger strapped to her hip and he looked down. His eyebrow twitched in a question.

"What are you and Sitwell doing on a launch ship, Aurora?" he asked in a low voice. Her grip tightened on the hilt and she heard Natasha shift behind her.

"Classified," she replied. "And don't call me that. I hate that name," she hissed through gritted teeth, trying to shake his hand to no avail. She hated the name Aurora now. She never went by it. He had been the only person who had ever called her that anyway and she didn't want to remember that. "Let me go, Captain," she murmured, her fingers itching to pull the weapon. Nothing good would come of it if she did but she was fairly sure she could take him. Natasha though? Not so much and the Widow would definitely side with Steve.

"No we need to –"

His words were cut off as Batroc leapt to his feet and threw a grenade in their direction. Rory barely had time to register what was happening when Steve's arms circled her waist and he hoisted her up onto his hip. She saw the window he was aiming for and grabbed her gun, shooting it out seconds before he jumped them through it to take cover behind the wall.

The bomb exploded as she and Steve landed in a tangle of limbs on the other side of the wall. He crowded over her, his body and shield protecting her from the falling debris. She coughed from the dust, her ears ringing loudly as she pushed on his chest. She tried to scramble to her feet but his arm was still round her waist, holding her under him.

Rory struggled to breath. All at once, everything flooded back and pain ripped through her body like it was happening for the first time. She needed to get away from him. It was too much. Memories of what they'd once had were flooding back into her mind and she couldn't handle it. She hated him. Hated that he'd lied. Hated that he'd tried to control her life. Hated that she still loved him with everything she had. But she couldn't love him anymore.

She felt like she was being strangled, her throat was closed tightly over and her eyes and nose all stung as she fought back the fit of tears that threatened to erupt.

"Let me go. Let. Me… _go."_ Her voice didn't sound like hers as panic crept up. She couldn't believe she was panicking at the sight, smell, sound and feel of him. She thought she would be stronger than this. She thought she would be better than this. She was wrong. So very wrong and she wished she'd never come back.

He released her immediately, rolling to his side. She wasted no time in getting to her feet, making for the door. Brock would have heard the explosion and would be running to find her… it was only a matter of time before he found her.

Steve was behind her after a half second, his footsteps heavy on the metal deck. Rory kept her eyes forward, focusing on getting to the boats.

"Are you ok?" Steve asked her in a quiet voice. "Have you been ok?"

"Fine," she replied over her shoulder, not wanting to stick around to talk to him any longer than she had to. She glanced at him and found him waiting for more. "For a woman who lost a baby and had her fiance lie about it, I did remarkably well," she added, enjoying the way his expression crumpled.

It was a low blow, she knew. She was well aware that she hadn't been the only one who'd lost a child, but she hadn't been the one to lie about it. She'd spent two years trying to get over what had happened, two years of hating him with every fiber of her being and focusing solely on her work and it was coming apart in front of her very eyes.

"You're limping," Steve pointed out as she walked. "And bleeding."

"I knocked my hip when I landed. I'm fine," she snapped, clenching her fists. They rounded a corner and she could hear Brock barking instructions to the other STRIKE members.

"So you're back? For good?" Steve asked, grabbing her arm again. His touch was gentler this time but she snatched her arm from his grip like he'd burned her.

"Don't touch me!" Rory snarled and he recoiled. Satisfaction burned in her gut and she loosed a breath. "I'm back but I'm not back for you or anyone else. I'm back for my job and that alone," she said.

" _Right_."

She knew that tone. She was hurting him and it felt good. She didn't know when she'd turned into a vindictive person but she figured it was probably about the time she realized she would never fully be done him.

"Jesus Christ, Cupcake!" Brock called along the deck as he and Rollins rounded the corner in search of her. "I said retrieve her, not blow her up!"

"Well you know me, Hotstuff, can never do things by halves." She grinned, turning away from Steve. Making a beeline for Brock, she let him snake an arm around her waist and pull her in close.

Steve stood behind them, watching the interaction between Brock and herself with keen eyes and she knew confused jealousy would be swirling there if she chose to look.

"Where's Romanoff?" he asked, peering down at her to check for injuries again. He brought his fingers up to stroke alone her jaw, tilting her head up to examine a scrape she'd received in the blast. When he was satisfied that she was ok again, he leant in to kiss her.

Rory's spine stiffened, acutely aware that Steve was watching them.

"Taking care of Batroc," Steve said in a short voice, interrupting the kiss before it could happen. Brock looked up, grinning easily at him.

"Great." Brock nodded. "We should get this show on the road then, huh Cap?"

Rory dared at look at Steve and wasn't surprised to find him looking at her. She leant a little further into Brock's side and watched his expression turn dark.

"Thanks for the hand back there, Captain," she said in a contented voice, dripping with thinly veiled sarcasm. "I guess the shield really does come in handy."

"My pleasure, _ma'am,_ " he responded nodding his head. His jaw ticked rapidly and she had to turn away from him, leaning into Brock's body before her resolve fell and the tears that had been burning her eyes since the start spilled over.

She loved him. Goddamned loved him, still, after everything he'd done to her. She'd known coming back would be a mistake the moment Brock had told her they wanted her here. She'd known she wouldn't have been able to avoid Steve for long but she hadn't expected to see him after only a day.

She was a mess. An even bigger one than when she'd left and it was still entirely his fault.

She climbed aboard the quinjet that had arrived for the team and sat silently between Rumlow and Rollins, staring straight ahead as Rumlow debriefed everyone on the mission. Steve and Natasha sat across from her, both watching her with keen eyes but she closed hers, listening to Brock talk. It felt like only a minute had passed when she heard Natasha speak.

"You know you broke his heart, right?" The Widow's voice came at her and when Rory opened her eyes she found the area empty, STRIKE team finding places to sit in the front of the plane. Steve was nowhere in sight and she didn't know if she was happy or saddened by this.

"He broke mine," she replied in a thick voice.

She was glad she'd broken his heart by leaving. Glad she'd hurt him some how. She turned her head, meeting Natasha's green-eyed stare easily.

"What he did wasn't right but neither is what you did." Natasha joined her, both women facing out. "You left all of us, Rory. Without a damned word –"

"Oh you can't tell me you never ran from Clint," Rory snapped, glaring at her friend. She ignored what Natasha had said about the rest of her friends, not wanting to take that path right now. She would never be able to be friends with them again as long as she was Hydra. The suspicion could damage her mission too easily. It wasn't worth the risk. She had to complete what she'd started and then try and rebuild. It wouldn't ever be the same but it would be something.

"Oh all the time. But Clint isn't Steve. Clint never loved me like Steve loves you." The Widow's voice was throaty and Rory glanced at her. She'd missed Natasha like she'd missed her own sister, especially when she'd started her training and her missions in Australia. There had been so much the Widow could have told her, so much Natasha could have helped her with and helped her avoid… but she hadn't been able to risk it. She had to let Hydra think she was well and truly done with SHIELD.

Even now, she wanted to hug her friend, tell her she was sorry and then tell her everything but she couldn't. She'd come way too far to fuck the mission up because she got sentimental.

"Clint never lied to you about losing a child."

"No." Natasha shook her head, turning to meet Rory's eyes. "He didn't. But I lost one anyway, not Clint's, but I know that never leaves a person – man or woman."

Rory turned back to the front, surreptitiously wiping her eye as a stray tear fell. She didn't want to go down this path either. That was the path that would ruin her if given the chance.

"Well I'm glad he had you to get through it." Rory nodded curtly. "Excuse me. I need to report to my commander." She cleared her throat and pushed off the seat.

"Commander? Or lover?" Natasha asked and Rory glanced at her, not wanting to believe the judgment in Natasha's tone.

"Does it matter?" she asked, her jaw tightening. She turned away as Natasha shrugged lightly.

"I don't know what you're up to Aurora, but I hope you're being smart about it." Natasha's voice followed her as she walked away. Rory glanced at her over her shoulder.

"I'll let you know how it goes… and it's Rory, if you wouldn't mind. Aurora died a while ago," she murmured softly, turning away from her friend to find Brock.

She was so far over her head and she felt like she was drowning. Steve and Natasha were two very big waves she hadn't been expecting so early in her return and she honestly didn't know how her mission was going.

She was a SHIELD agent working for Hydra who was working for SHIELD. She was digging deeper and deeper all while trying not to be caught because she would surely die if she were. She had to trust her gut and trust that Nick Fury had an out for her if she needed it. Something big was coming she just didn't have enough to say what yet. She hoped that the information that Natasha had on that USB would be enough to blow everything wide open and she'd be safe for the first time in a long, _long_ time.

* * *

Author's Note:

Well, here we are. 4th of July again and another Rory and Steve story. Jumping straight into the action, no sense in delayingt he inevitable. I hope this ties up what happened in the last one. I'm sure having fun writing it. Buckle up and I hope you're on for another long ride! Please let me know what you think, I really enjoy reading (polite) comments and criticism.

You will need to read the first one to make any sense of this.

Playlist:

One Woman Army - Little Minx

I Hate U, I Love U - gnash (feat. Olivia O'Brien)

Neptune - Sleeping at Last


	2. Sempiternal

Metanoia

Chapter 2: Sempiternal

* * *

Rory didn't wait to be invited in before she stepped into Nick Fury's office on the 36th floor of the Triskellion. It was strange being back at a SHIELD facility that wasn't in New York, but she'd found the way easily enough, using her newly updated credentials to bypass all security checks they had.

She was fuming mad at Fury for sending her into that mission blind. He'd told her about the pirates and about what Natasha needed, but he'd purposely left out the fact that Steve was going to be there and it had thrown her completely. Even now, hours later, she still didn't feel right. She felt sick, her mind and chest feeling heavy as if something was sitting on her and suffocating her slowly.

"Agent Dugan. I was just about to call you." Fury looked up when she closed the door with a snap. She pressed a button on the sleeve of her suit that killed any bugs in the room and paced over to his desk.

"Yeah? Was it to tell me that Captain Rogers was joining Agent Romanoff on her mission? Because that information would have been handy a few hours ago," she snapped, glaring at her boss. "You have five minutes before they realize I've taken their surveillance in here down so you better start explaining, Fury."

He looked amused, which infuriated her more and she folded her arms across her chest.

"It wasn't a concern of yours. Your concern was assisting Agent Romanoff, which you did beautifully I might add." He held up the USB, signalling Natasha had already been by. Her eyes narrowed.

"It _should_ have been a concern, given my _history_ with Rogers," she hissed, pinning Fury with a glare that would have made anyone else wince.

Fury, however, had seen it all before. He remained calm and collected as he sat back in his chair. "If I had told you Rogers was going to be there, you wouldn't have done your job properly," he explained, in a matter of fact way that had Rory rolling her eyes and snapping her teeth in disagreement.

" _Bull_ shit."

"You would have been focused on the apprehension of seeing him after so long and mistakes could have been made. I needed you on alert for the pirates so everyone could get out of there alive –"

"Which was a close call as well, by the way," she said, shaking her head. "Next time, maybe find less trigger happy pirates? I swear to god we almost ate lead before Rumlow got there."

"I'll keep that in mind when I do background checks," Fury replied dryly. "In truth, Agent Dugan, you and Rogers were never meant to cross paths. You were meant to meet Natasha in the control room, give her the information and then rejoin your team."

"Nothing ever goes to plan, does it?" she muttered, shaking her head. The decision not to tell her had been a smart one; a testament to how well Nick Fury knew her. She _would_ have been distracted if she'd known he was coming and she wouldn't have paid attention. She probably would have actually eaten lead.

Still, she was mad because she felt like she'd been set up and it threw her off. _He_ threw her off and she wasn't sure how she was going to go working with STRIKE if Steve worked with them as well.

"I trust your history with Commander Rogers isn't going to affect your new position here within SHIELD is it?" Nick asked, his eyebrow arching above his working eye.

"Negative. My cover is secure as long as I steer well clear of him. Which isn't hard considering we're not exactly on friendly terms," Rory said, unfolding her arms. Nick looked her up and down, his eyes studying everything from her weapons to her expression.

This was the first time they'd been face to face in 2 years. Before this moment they had only ever corresponded via an encrypted system on an ancient laptop that was too old to even be considered to hack. They'd never waned to push their luck by meeting up.

"It's good to see you again, Aurora." Nick smiled softly.

Rory sucked in a breath. At least one person thought so, even if it was her hardass Uncle Nicky. She'd missed so much while she'd been gone. She even missed her grandparents, despite all their lies.

She had no idea how her siblings would take her return. She'd wanted to call them so many times while she'd been in Australia but she couldn't. At first it was because she was still hurt and angry that she'd been lied to. Then that had shifted to something akin to embarrassment – over leaving, over not saying goodbye, over running away from her problems instead of facing them head on. Then she'd become Hydra and it was too risky to implicate them in this. If Hydra knew she was in correspondence with them, they would have put them on a watch list and Rory didn't want to drag them into this mess.

So she ignored them. Pretended like they didn't exist and she knew they would be hurt and angry by what she'd done.

"I want to say it's good to be back but I've been in this uniform for a little over 24 hours and I still don't have a place to live, so I'll get back to you on that one." She tucked some hair over her ear and he chuckled.

"Where are you staying?" Fury asked and she shrugged.

"Rumlow said there's a place to bunk down here in the Trisk for a little while. Or with him if I wanted." She shrugged. "I'll find a place of my own soon. Hopefully I won't be what I am much longer." She cleared her throat and he looked up, meeting her gaze.

"I'm working on it –"

" _You just can't stop yourself from lying can_ … you"

Rory's spine stiffened as if she'd been electrocuted when Steve's voice met her ears. It had tapered off at the end, and she could feel his presence behind her, a force to be reckoned with as he battled with his own surprise at seeing her in Fury's office. The silence in the air was palpable and it took all her energy not to turn and run.

"I should go. I've been summoned by Secretary Pierce," she said quietly as she lifted her arm to press the button that would unblock signals again.

"Let me know if there's anything I can do," Fury said. He glanced at Steve behind her. "I didn't lie, Agent Romanoff had a different mission than yours." Rory turned to leave.

Her eyes locked with Steve's and she froze slightly. He did the same, his expression comparable to a deer in headlights. She sucked in a small breath and walked by him, nodding politely as she passed. She felt him hesitate as she walked away, felt the light shift as he made to come after her but thankfully he didn't.

The door clicked closed behind her. She let out the breath she'd been holding, adrenalin seeping through her tired muscles. At this rate she'd be able to sleep for a month with the high she was going to come down from. She kept her eyes low as she walked through the halls, not wanting anyone to recognize her. She was back and she had to be very careful about who she spoke to. She didn't want to give anyone a reason to think she worked for either side. SHIELD or Hydra, being compromised by either wouldn't be good.

With a breath of relief she nodded to Alexander Pierces' assistant, who gestured for her to walk straight through.

"You wanted to see me, Mister Secretary?" Rory said when he looked up as she walked in.

"Yes, Agent Dugan. It's been a while." He smiled at her and closed the file he'd been perusing. Aurora nodded, standing straight at attention in front of his desk. "Sit, please. This isn't a formal meeting, I just wanted to hear how your mission with Agent Sitwell went on the _Lumarian Star."_

Rory kept her face impassive. If there was one thing she'd learned about Alexander Pierce it was that he was a ruthless and manipulative man who was incredibly smart. It made him incredibly dangerous and she'd never been one hundred percent convinced that he believed her to be Hydra.

She'd first met Alexander Pierce while she'd been in Australia, training and working with their version of the STRIKE team. She'd heard his name whispered throughout the members of Hydra she'd met and she went out of her way to get him to notice her. He did so while the SHIELD STRIKE unit were training her team and he'd kept his eye on her ever since.

"As good as it could with a pirate hijacking," she replied, taking a seat in the hard plastic chair in front of his desk.

"Ah yes. The Algerians. I have a meeting with the World Security council about it later. Honestly, you'd think the pirates had infiltrated the whole of SHIELD with how worried they are." Pierce shook his head, giving a chuckle. "Sitwell tells me that Agent Romanoff missed her rendezvous point?"

"Yes, she did sir. I went to investigate." Rory nodded, smoothing her hands over her knees.

"And?" he prompted, his keen eyes taking in her every move.

"I found her tying up loose ends with some pirates. I don't believe she managed to get information," Rory lied flawlessly, even as her heartbeat thudded against her ribs. She'd gotten good at lying in the last 2 years. She'd had to. It was the difference between finding the leads or being caught.

Pierce seemed to buy the lie, sitting back in his seat in relief.

"Good. The last thing we need is one of Fury's lapdogs getting in the way of Project Insight." Pierce shook his head. "Do they still believe that you're SHIELD? Your cover is still intact?"

Rory nodded again. "Yes sir. Fury welcomed me back with open arms. He was surprised by my accomplishments." She scowled. "I guess my family and Captain Rogers weren't the only ones who didn't believe in me."

"Well we did and we are glad we did." Pierce nodded. "You have been a valuable member of Hydra, Agent Dugan. In two years you have accomplished much more than some Hydra agents in their entire careers," he explained, picking up the file he'd closed when she'd entered. He looked at it for a long minute before he looked up at her. "Let's take a walk," He stood and beckoned her to follow him.

She did and he led her to an elevator and when the doors shut behind them, he requested something called 'Project Winter' and the elevator started moving down.

"I brought you back for a specific reason that was only mentioned briefly in your SHEILD packet –"

"Project Winter?" she questioned, her brow furrowing. It had been the only thing that she hadn't understood what it was. It was a coded mission, top secret and she would be handling whatever the hell it was.

"Yes. Project Winter." He nodded as the elevator started to move. He smiled at her. "It's your new mission."

"Oh?" Rory asked, her eyebrows rising in surprise.

"You ever hear of Operation Paperclip?" he asked and she shook her head. Pierce leant against the metal rail of the elevator and crossed his arms. It was entirely too casual, putting Rory's senses on high alert. "It started in 1946. SHIELD and the U.S. Government made the decision to hire Nazi scientists to come and work for the United States in the aftermath of the war. Over 1,500 of the bastards came aboard to help out. One of them was Armin Zola who you would know as –"

"Red Skull's lead scientist," Rory said automatically and Pierce nodded.

"You know your history."

He looked impressed and Rory suppressed the urge to roll her eyes as he continued. Of course she knew her history. She'd been born into the history. "He was the first Hydra agent inside SHIELD. He fed the chaos from within, giving us both something to do. His plan was to let it grow until the world was ready for the new order. Hydra's order." Pierce smirked and unfolded his arms, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"But surely someone from SHIELD would have found out?" Rory questioned, wondering how far she could push her curiosity before it looked suspicious. She knew her grandparents had no clue what had been going on. They would have put a stop to this if they had.

Or would they have covered it up like so many other things. It was had to tell.

"Many times… but we had The Asset take care of them." He pinned her with a look that sent shivers up her spine. It was a cross between something sinister and a child-like glee. It was a secret she didn't know but he was dying to tell her.

"The Asset?"

"The Winter Soldier."

Rory's brow furrowed. She'd heard about The Winter Soldier. He was meant to be a ghost because there wasn't enough information on him to really draw any conclusive ends to his story. SHIELD had closed that case years prior, way back in the 70s.

"He's a ghost," she stated, her eyebrow arching.

"He's _our_ ghost," Pierce replied. "Any time people got close to figuring us out, we had The Asset clean them up." He smiled. "JFK and his family. Howard Stark, Martin Luther King Jr. Multiple people who almost found us, who could have stopped us… dead and buried before anyone even realized they were onto something." Rory stifled a gasp and clenched her jaw. "This guy took care of them, and now he's yours."

The doors opened and Pierce stepped out. Rory followed a couple of beats later, her brain still catching up to what Pierce had said.

"I'm sorry, _mine_?" she asked, falling into step with him as they walked down a long corridor. They stopped halfway and Rory stumbled, not expecting to stop so soon.

"He needed a handler. I chose you," he explained, placing his thumb on a keypad next to the door.

It opened, revealing a large chamber behind it. In the center of the room sat a man on an odd looking chair with bits of machinery hanging from the back. He was sitting forward, his hair over his eyes and his torso naked. There was a glint of something metallic and Rory realized it was a prosthetic arm, the light catching it as he flexed his fist.

Rumlow stood off to the side, his hands wrapped around a machine gun as he and the other members of STRIKE stood watch. He glanced at her, giving her a wink when their eyes met but otherwise he remained impassive.

"How is The Asset?" Pierce asked a man in a long, white coat.

"Functioning as normal. His vitals are normal, his brain activity is normal and his physical status is normal. He's in perfect health as per usual," the doctor replied, his beady, grey eyes looking Rory up and down. "Is this the new handler?"

"Yes." Pierce nodded. "Agent Aurora Dugan, one of Hydra's finest. This is Doctor Fleischer. He's a psychiatrist and medical officer within Hydra."

The doctor nodded at her and Rory eyed him warily. He had the appearance of a rat, his nose twitching as his eyes watered. His shoulders were rounded and hunched and he seemed to shrink over his clipboard even more when he looked away.

She looked back at the one they called The Asset and studied him. He looked perfectly normal, save for the prosthetic metal arm. Upon closer inspection she realized that it extended over his shoulder and across his chest, his skin joining seamlessly with the metal. He was studying his hand and arm, as if seeing it for the first time and she could hear the metallic clicks as the plates that ran up the side shifted as he moved.

"How long did it take him to come round this time?" Pierce spoke again and she arched a brow. What did he mean by _come round_? Had he been knocked out? Did they keep him sedated? She had questions but she kept her mouth shut to observe.

"Four hours. Our new cryogenics technology is much better than it has been in previous years," Fleischer replied. "Considering the last time we woke him up was 91', I'd say we're doing pretty good."

"Cryogenics?" Rory questioned, unable to hold her silence for that question. Pierce glanced down at her and nodded.

"You'll see." He smiled cryptically, folding his arms. "Asset, stand for your handler," he barked and the man in the chair rose to his feet. He towered above her standing at least 6 feet and his hair fell back off his face.

Rory stifled a gasp as shock iced her veins. She knew that face. It had stared back at her from multiple photographs that her grandparents had had on the mantle in her childhood home. She'd seen it on a big screen at the Smithsonian. That man was supposed to have died during the war. Steve had seen it happen. Steve had blamed himself for that man's death. That man was dead but very much alive as he seemed to tower above most of the men in the room.

She forced herself to keep breathing as her vision doubled.

Recognition flickered in his eyes as his gaze fell on her and he straightened, his shoulders pulling back in an informal salute.

"Do you recognize him?" Peirce asked her and she nodded, keeping her face a blank slate. "James Buchanan Barnes. Best friend to the loyal Captain America."

"He died," she said stiffly and Pierce laughed.

"Not quite. The KGB found him in a snowdrift. All the experimentation Hydra did on him meant he still lived, but he lost the arm. They hired Armin Zola to fix him up, since Zola was the man who started his experiments in the first place." Pierce explained and Rory kept her eyes on The Asset. Her heart was breaking. Steve would never forgive himself if he found out Bucky had lived and he hadn't gone to look for him. "We've shared him with The Soviets since then. He's taken part in multiple assassinations. Anyone who needed it, he took care of it."

"So this has been under SHIELD's nose the entire time?" Rory questioned, her voice sounding tight to her ears. "Frozen," she added softly, looking back at James Buchanan Barnes with sadness in her eyes.

Peirce nodded.

"Like a parasite," he answered with a hint of glee in his voice. "They had no idea."

The Asset's eyes met hers again, curious and patient. She felt like he was waiting for something from her but she wasn't sure what. The Asset's eyes met hers again, curious and patient. She felt like he was waiting for something from her but she wasn't sure what. Recognition sparked behind his eyes and he studied her face intently.

"He recognizes the girl. The programming took," Fleischer murmured. Rory frowned.

"Programming?" she questioned, her tone sharp.

The doctor smiled, a slimy smile that showed more teeth than necessary. He was proud of his work it seemed. Proud of the wrong Hydra was performing.

"When we wake him up, we program him with things he needs to remember. His training, his techniques, his language, and whoever his point of contact will be while he is awake," he replied. "Sometimes it takes, sometimes it doesn't. We've found that if he thinks he knows the handler previously, he's less likely to become a flight risk. This man is very dangerous. If he got away from us, who knows what he would do?"

"So why me?" Rory asked in a soft voice after a moment. She wasn't qualified for this. This was sitting heavily in her heart, her stomach full of acid that was snaking up her throat like poison. She felt sick, both from the thought of this torture and Steve. He had blamed himself for so long, and Bucky had been alive the whole time. "Why do you want me to handle him?"

She looked Pierce dead in the eye, hoping to get some kind of hint as to what his plan was. He returned the look, his lips pulling up in a smile.

This was a test. She was sure it was a test. It was like they were waiting for her to go running back to SHIELD or to betray them by using The Asset. Bucky Barnes. She had to keep her cover no matter what it took because it wasn't just her mission that depended on her ability to keep her cover – it was her life. If they found out now that she was a double agent they would surely kill her with no warning or remorse.

"Because, Aurora. We feel like we have won," Pierce replied simply and her eyebrows furrowed. " _You_ are a SHIELD Legacy. Your family founded the whole institution that was supposed to bring Hydra down but instead you're _helping_ us. You're on our side," He paused pinning her with a solid look, the smile sliding right off his face. "You _are_ on our side, aren't you?"

This was her make or break moment. There was no going back after this.

"Of course, Sir. SHIELD let my family die." She turned and looked back at The Asset, finding him still looking at her. "They lied to me and they let me be taken and tortured for _fun_. Hydra wasn't responsible for that, I know they weren't… but if my family had told me, if SHIELD had told me, I would have been able to do more to prevent it." Her lip curled, the hate that was spilling from her lips a genuine emotion. She really did resent them for not telling her, for making the mistake of thinking she couldn't protect herself. "If Captain Rogers hadn't lied to me, I wouldn't be here right now."

"So you understand why this is _your_ mission?"

She nodded, reading between the lines.

Revenge.

This was about stone cold revenge on Captain America. Hydra now had two things he held dear to him. Her defection as his enemy would kill him like torturing her was supposed to have.

They were setting her up as a weapon in charge of a weapon. Two things that Steve Rogers had once held close, working together within the agency that he was created to destroy. Rory could appreciate the beautiful irony it painted but it killed her inside.

"Yes sir." She nodded. "I understand."

"Good. You should go and meet your asset" Pierce indicated with his head to the point directly in front of The Asset and she swallowed hard as she forced her legs to move.

"Asset! This is Agent Dugan of STRIKE," the doctor spoke in a loud and clear voice. The Asset just stared back at her. "You take all orders from her, you do not disobey her. If you disobey, you will be punished! Do you understand!?"

" _Da ser!_ " he replied.

"Give him an order, Agent Dugan," the doctor prompted her and she cleared her throat.

" _Aktivov , sidet' s vashimi rukami na golove,_ " she ordered in a loud and clear voice. There was a flicker of surprise in The Asset's eyes as the order came in Russian but he did as asked, sitting and placing his flesh and metal hands on his head.

"Your Russian is rusty but it can be worked on." Pierce beamed at her.

"I never thought I'd need it," she replied in a soft voice. Her stomach was churning. This was way out of her control and she was way out of her depth. If she failed this, she would surely die. There was no two ways around it. "You can put your hands down now, Asset," she said again, in English this time and he did.

He had a curious look in his eye when hers met his again. Gone was the blank, dead look. It was replaced by something sharp and something intelligent and she wondered if he knew she was his ticket out.

"Come, Agent Dugan. Bring him with you. You're going to oversee his skills analysis before his first mission this afternoon." Pierce sounded excited, like a child right on Christmas morning and Rory followed him blindly. The Soldier followed her lead, walking behind her with almost silent steps as Pierce led them through a labyrinth under the Triskellion.

Right under SHIELD.

Right under Steve.

Rory's jaw clenched. This was beyond fucked up. She had no idea how she was going to pull this off. Not for the first time since she'd left, she found herself wanting to run to Steve. He would know how to get them out of this. He would know how to help Bucky too.

"So how long can he be 'unfrozen' for-" she quoted with her fingers, "-before he needs to go back?"

"He can't be off the ice longer than five weeks," Pierce answered her question as he pressed the call button on the elevator. "If he is, his brain starts to heal. All our hard work with wiping him and keeping him a blank slate starts to come undone. He starts to remember who he is and his memories start to come back," Pierce explained, glancing at her.

"I see." Rory nodded slowly. "What if it's longer than three weeks?" she queried, hoping it didn't seem too suspicious that she was asking.

"We can push it to 12 weeks but after that he can't be frozen again. His tissue wouldn't hold properly. It would kill him and he's too valuable for that." Pierce pinched his brow, shaking his head and Rory stole a glance behind her at the Soldier. He followed along, his eyes focused above their heads, to a point at the end of the long corridor. He didn't seem to be listening, nor did he seem to be taking in his surroundings, but she would hazard a guess to say he was.

Pierce continued, "We're also unsure as to what would happen if we tried to wipe him at that point… it might make him crazy, unhinged even and he's already the worlds deadliest man." Pierce shrugged. He was silent for a moment before he spoke again. "This is a big mission, Agent Dugan. A new age is coming. Project Insight is being launched as soon as I can get it in the air. Hydra will reign supreme – are you ok with that?"

Rory looked at Piece then, catching him dead in the eye.

"I would have it no other way," she said with such conviction that she scared herself.

Pierce smiled, baring his teeth to her in a half snarl.

"Hail Hydra."

They were outside a big training room now and the doctor pushed his way in past them. Rory saluted her commander.

"Hail Hydra," she responded as she was supposed to before she followed through, beckoning the Soldier to come with her.

Rory felt sick. She didn't know how much more of this she could take. She only hoped Nick and Natasha hurried up and figured this whole mess out before it was too late for her.

* * *

Steve was both mentally and physically exhausted.

Aurora was back, out of nowhere but she wasn't the same. She was a different person, all hard edges and waspish words. The way she looked, sounded, held herself was all so different now. He barely knew the person she'd become.

Fury hadn't told him much about her other than she'd gone by an alias in Australia but Jasper Sitwell had outed her accidentally when he'd gone there to assist with the set up of ASIS' STRIKE unit. Steve was surprised to find she'd lead their team. She'd left and done big things. Great things.

She'd been perfectly ok without him, it seemed. Exactly like she said she'd be.

And she'd moved on.

With _Rumlow_.

Out of everyone she could have moved on with, it was that hyper-masculine son of a bitch who strutted around SHIELD like he owned the place. Steve had wondered briefly what she'd seen in the man before it dawned on him that Rumlow was his opposite. Something different. Something new.

It killed him to know she'd moved on at all.

He hadn't. He'd had the opportunity but never the drive. Natasha tried hard to set him up with people she knew but he just... Couldn't commit to someone when he was still so committed to _H_ _er_.

He was so preoccupied with the thought of Aurora that he had almost missed Fury's whole speech about freedom and being ahead of the curve when it came to seeing the three giant helicarriers that were almost primed and ready to hold a gun to everyone's head in the name of "freedom." Steve hadn't been in the mood to call it anything other than what it was - fear.

There was a sick feeling in his stomach as he wondered, not for the first time, whether he and SHIELD were a great match. He never knew what SHIELD's end game was and now he was sure it was something he didn't agree with. He was trying so hard to throw himself back into the game, to take orders from people and serve his nation, but he was taking orders from people he didn't trust and he wondered if it was worth it at all.

After he'd showered and changed from his suit, he'd headed to the Smithsonian where he'd wandered around the Captain America exhibit for the hundredth time since moving to D.C.

He knew was living in the past but sometimes just seeing the life he'd once had and how it had impacted on where he was today helped a little. Captain America gave people hope, and right now he needed all the hope he could get.

"Steve," Peggy Carter's voice was warm as he knocked on the door to her office in the Department of Veteran Affairs. Both she and Dugan had come out of retirement about 6 months after Aurora had left – Peg, working as a crisis counselor in the VA and Dugan taking up a tactics and mission supervisor position back at SHIELD. They'd made the move from Boston to D.C. and they'd all waited for the moment that Aurora would return home.

"Did you know she was coming back?" Steve asked as he took a seat in front of her desk. Peggy frowned softly for a moment before the color drained from her face.

"Aurora?" she asked, her fingers tightening around the pen in her hand. The shocked expression told him everything he needed to and Steve softened. She hadn't known and he felt guilty for thinking that she might have and not told him. He sat forward.

"She was on a SHIELD launch ship that got hijacked this morning. She's been working for the Australian Intelligence Agency, Peg. As an _assassin_ –"

"An Assassin?" Peg's voice was small and her fingers came up to her mouth to stifle as gasp.

"-and now she's a consultant for SHIELD," Steve finished, his stomach churning. "She was helping Sitwell on a confidential mission. That's why she was on the ship."

"A consultant?" Peggy blinked. "What on earth could she be consulting for?"

Steve shrugged, giving a sigh of defeat. "Did she say anything to you?" Peg asked after a moment.

Steve shook his head. "Not a lot. She was a little snarky, very angry. I…" he cut himself off, shaking his head. He looked down toward the floor, his jaw clenching and unclenching as he thought about what to say. "I thought I could do this, Peg. I've thought about her coming back a hundred different ways and in every one of them I've been fine." He leant forward and dropped his head into his hands. "But when I saw her on that ship, decked out in a tactical suit, seeing that scar on her neck… It's just not the same. _She's_ just not the same."

Peggy let out a small, hollow chuckle.

"You're always so dramatic Steve," she said and he looked up. She was smiling, but it was sad. It was tired. She'd spent many sleepless nights trying to follow leads to find her granddaughter, or just worrying about her in general. "Look, you saved her. You saved her in more ways than just her life –"

"And then I pushed her away. I broke her heart," he pointed out, meeting Peggy's deep, brown gaze.

"So did I," Peggy said, looking down at the papers in front of her. "It's not all your fault. Please don't bare that burden alone." She was silent a moment before she spoke again. "Did she look ok?"

"Her hair is blonde and it's short," he responded, lifting the corner of his mouth in a wry smile. "But she looks well. I thought she looked tired and her eyes… they're different." He linked his fingers and stared at his hands. "They're not as bright," he muttered. His heart was breaking all over again, like the tentative scab that had been holding it together had been ripped away.

He'd missed her so damn much and it killed him to know she wanted nothing to do with him.

"Hey," Peggy said, reaching across her desk for his hands. He placed them in her palms and felt the warmth radiate from her. "Her world changed. In an instant, everything she thought she could handle shattered in front of her. She did what she has always done and she ran away to fight her own battle." Steve listened to the words, his mouth feeling dry. "She isn't one to let someone tell her no, not anymore; we did and she rebelled. I have no doubt that she is perfectly ok and if she wasn't, she would have come back home –"

"Or she would have died," Steve bit back and Peggy sighed softly.

"Well at least it's the former and not the latter."

Guilt formed in Steve's stomach. He wasn't the only one who had lost Aurora. Her family had too. Maggie had never quite forgiven her grandparents when they'd told her what Aurora found out, but she stuck by them because she'd lost her sister. The brothers had come home, gotten jobs on home soil. The family had rallied together and they'd adopted him in the process. He would never stop trying to find ways to repay them.

"All that we can do now, Steve," Peg spoke again, squeezing his hand. Steve looked up. "…is wait. We start over and we take our time with her. We don't push her."

"Well, I learned my lesson last time I pushed her so no, I won't do that," he replied dryly, making Peggy smile. "I just... I'm teetering on the edge of hating her and still being head over heels for her. I can't… figure out which way I need to slide."

"You could never stop loving her." Peggy shook her head. "Even with that pretty nurse across the hall from you." She smirked and Steve rolled his eyes. Peggy had met the girl across the hall twice and had gently nudged him toward her each time. He was reluctant, of course he was with Aurora still on his mind, but he had to admit the pretty blonde seemed nice enough. Maybe he _should_ –

"She's nice but there's something about her I just… I don't know about her." Steve shook his head, smirking lightly. Peggy laughed and withdrew her hands. "It'd be too hard to have her in this world…" he said, running a hand through his hair.

"You don't know until you try," Peggy murmured. "I should tell Tim that she's back." She picked up her phone. "I don't want him to see her at HQ. He'll do something stupid like push her."

Steve scowled. "Poor girl. Must be tough having people care about her." he muttered bitterly. He stood and Peggy held the phone away from her mouth.

"Are you coming for dinner?" she asked and he nodded.

"I'll be there around 6," he promised as he turned to walk away. Faintly he heard her greet Dugan with love in her voice and he let out a shaky breath.

Once again he'd missed out on that kind of love because of his own stupid mistakes. Aurora would never have left if he'd just told her about the child. She would never have left if he hadn't pushed her into quitting SHIELD. All he'd wanted was to marry his girl, live his life in peace… but fate always seemed to have other options for him.

He strolled through the VA, hearing a familiar voice as he passed by an open seminar room off the main hall. He stopped and watched the man he'd met earlier in the day talk to a room full of ex-soldiers about dealing with the effects of PTSD.

He couldn't help but think, as he listened to Sam Wilson, that Aurora would have been good in job like that. She could have counseled people as she'd counseled him. She would have made them feel as safe as she had made him feel safe time and time again. Why hadn't he suggested that to her? Why hadn't he pointed out there were other avenues for her to work, whilst still being in SHIELD? Instead he'd let his fear get the best of him and he'd lashed out, causing her to run. It was his fault. It was his fault and he would never forgive himself.

"Caught the last few minutes," Steve said when he and Sam met outside the hall.

"Yeah, brother. We all got the same problems. Guilt… regret." Sam looked at Steve and gave a small shrug. Steve sucked in a breath. Boy did he know those feelings. He didn't think he'd ever be rid of them. He just gained more. From Bucky to Aurora, he held more guilt and regret than was ever imaginable.

"You lose someone?" he asked, needing to steer his mind from that particular darkness. Sam nodded.

"My wingman. Riley. Flying a night mission. Standard PJ rescue op. Nothing we hadn't done a thousand times before, til an RPG knocked Riley's dumbass outta the sky." Sam folded his arms and Steve wondered why he was telling him this. It occurred to him a moment later that Sam, while still feeling guilty, had come to terms with those feelings. "Nothin' I could do. It was like I was up there just to watch."

"I'm sorry," Steve murmured.

"After that, I found it a really hard time finding a reason just to be over there, you know?" Sam's eyebrows rose and he studied Steve. Steve cleared his throat and shifted on the spot. Boy did he know those feelings. He was finding it incredibly hard to find a reason to stay within SHIELD, even harder to stay within D.C.

"Are you happy now? Back in the world?" he asked Sam, hoping to hear the answer he was already thinking of.

"Well, the amount of people giving me orders now is down to about…." Sam looked around candidly before he turned back to Steve. "Zero."

Steve gave a laugh. That was what he figured. To be able to be free would be the greatest feeling.

"So hell yeah, I'm happy. You thinkin' about getting out?" Sam asked and it was then that Steve realized he was dealing with a very perceptive man. He appreciated that.

"No." Steve paused. "Yeah… I don't know. To be honest," he admitted, shaking his head. "I don't know what I would do with myself." He gave a laugh. He knew what he _wanted_ to do with himself. He wanted to quit, find Aurora and make up for everything they'd missed. He'd get them both out and he'd take her far, far away from anything that could go wrong.

But it would never work out that way. Not now. He knew this.

"Ultimate fighting?" Sam gave a laugh and Steve grinned. "Seriously, what makes you happy?"

He thought a moment. He'd always struggled with this question. In the 40s it had been Bucky and painting. Then the war had happened and he'd gone down with his plane. Then when he'd woken up he struggled with it again until Aurora happened. Now he didn't even have that. Even painting had lost its appeal because all he ever wanted to paint were things he couldn't have.

"I don't know," he answered truthfully, clearing his throat.

Sam gave him a look. "Well I suggest you find it… and when you do. Hold onto it," he said seriously and Steve smiled, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Unless you've already found it and if that's the case, go get it."

Steve gave a small laugh. "It's not that simple. Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime," he suggested. Peggy was always telling him to make more friends, outside of SHIELD friends, and Sam seemed like an honest and reliable candidate.

"You know where to find me," Sam said. Steve nodded, a small spark of positivity blooming in his chest for the first time in what felt like forever.

* * *

Author's note:

Let me know what you think by giving this some kudos and comments. Updates every Monday. Thank you for reading!

Playlist:

Can You Hold Me - NF, Britt Nicole

Back to Earth - Steve Aoki & Fall Out Boy

Amnesia - 5 Seconds of Summer

Anti-Gravity - RUNAGROUND


	3. Proselytize

Metanoia

Chapter 3 - Proselytize

* * *

The Asset didn't flinch as he made 10 out of 10 perfect shots in the allotted time. His skills, it seemed, hadn't diminished while he'd been out. He remembered everything about his weapons, everything about his training but he couldn't remember anything about himself.

He wasn't surprised. There was a dull thrumming in the back of his mind that told him he'd been here before. A sense of de ja vu that never left him alone. His handler was familiar too, from the pale hair and the bright, amber eyes; he recognized her but didn't at the same time.

She was nice, he thought. She had an honest face with keen eyes that seemed to pick up everything that was going on in the room. She was intelligent and powerful too but most of all, she was kind. She spoke to him in a soft, calm voice and occasionally switched to Russian to make it easier on him.

He didn't know why her courtesy made him feel better but it did. She said please and she thanked him. He didn't feel threatened by her and he found he wanted to respect her. He wanted to make her proud and to hopefully do everything she wanted, which he knew was a foreign concept because no matter how many times they wiped his mind he still felt a deep seated hatred for all involved in the process.

Except her. He liked her.

She seemed safe, even though she was his handler. He didn't feel like she would punish him if he did the wrong thing.

"Dismantle the weapon," she said and he glanced at her, finding her jotting something down on a clipboard. A handler having a relaxed posture around him was new. Either she didn't know the danger she was in by being near him or she was confident in her abilities. He sized up her weapons, surprised to find only two firearms visible on her. She carried more blades than she did guns, which he found odd. Even the doctors behind her carried at least 4 firearms when they were around him and they were always on edge. She however, didn't look nervous at all. When she met his gaze, her brow lifted in a question but so did her lips; a small smile of encouragement. He was amazed.

He picked up the SIG-Sauer P220ST pistol and started dismantling it. Watching him, she nodded when he completed the task in under 10 seconds.

"Put it back together." She ordered and he did so in less time than before. "Nicely done," she murmured and he found himself wanting to smile.

"Do I know you?" he asked after a moment, his memories of her hazy and foreign. She looked up from the clipboard.

"I'm your handler," she replied simply and he loosed a breath.

"I know your face. I only know…" he paused and gestured to the dismantled gun in front of him. He only knew weapons and pain and destruction but her face flickered around his mind like a long forgotten memory. He wondered again if they'd met before. His brow furrowed. "How do I know you?"

"I am your handler. You were programmed to know me," she replied again, her eyes meeting his. His shoulders slumped. They hadn't met before. She couldn't tell him anything about his past life.

"So we haven't met before." It wasn't a question but she knew that. He felt her hesitated, the air rippling like she wanted to say something but the door to the training room opened with a bang and they both looked over.

"Hey, Cupcake!" A big brute of a man greeted her. He carried a machine gun across his front, one hand lazily gripping the barrel and the other propped on his hip. The Asset didn't like him at all. The arrogance came off the man in waves, so he turned away and awaited instruction. "Time to suit up your weapon. It's go time."

"Yeah, I never got parameters for this mission. Am I supposed to go in blind?" His handler replied, her eyebrows rising.

The Brute shrugged.

"A STRIKE Unit failed to bring down a guy. Pierce ordered me to come and retrieve you two. That's all I know. You'll get the rest on the way," he explained casually. "Get him suited up and meet me in the parking lot in 10." He held up both hands, his fingers splayed, before he turned on his heel and strolled back out the way he came.

The Asset looked at his handler, one brow arched and his mind calling The Brute an asshole. She let out a short laugh in response, as if she could read that thought through his expression.

"Follow me, please." She beckoned him and he did, walking on silent feet behind her as she led him through the labyrinth beneath The Triskelion "Your sleeping quarters are in here." She unlocked a door with a brush of her card and pushed inside. He followed behind her cautiously, giving a sweep of the room with wary eyes.

It was a cold and uninviting prison cell. The walls were a pasty grey and along one wall was a steel framed bed. Along another was a desk and bookshelf with nothing on it. A chest of drawers took up the remaining wall space and he assumed they held shirts and pants for his down time. His tactical uniform sat on the top of the drawers, just waiting to be put on. It was a depressing scene but he was used to it. He wouldn't be here long, he never was.

"Your uniform is there. Put it on, I will be outside." She gestured to the pile of leather before she stepped out of the room. He reached for the clothes, familiar with them and he started to dress quietly.

His handler left the room and he found himself alone.

* * *

Rory found herself alone for the first time in what seemed like hours while she stood and waited for The Asset. Taking out her SHIELD phone, she checked for any updates form Fury. As far as she was aware, Fury didn't know about The Asset but she held onto a small amount of hope that he did. There was nothing from Fury on her phone and her gut twisted.

She felt drained and tired, the small amount of sleep she'd had on the quinjet and helicarrier earlier that morning had done nothing to energize her. This mission had always kept her tired but this was stone cold exhaustion, the kind she felt in her bones. She tapped her chin with the phone and sucked in a deep breath through her nose. This would be over soon she just had to remember that.

She heard a noise behind her and turned to find the soldier in his full uniform, all black Kevlar and buckles. He looked frightening and she swallowed hard, tearing her eyes away before she let him know he terrified her.

"This way." She beckoned him again, still not used to giving someone orders for their every move.

They moved quickly through the underground until they came to the carpark where Brock sat behind the wheel of a shiny, black _Tahoe_ 4WD. She opened the back door for the Asset and then slid in beside him.

"You took your time. Did you have to dress him yourself?" Brock snickered, winking at her in the mirror and she rolled her eyes.

"What's the mission, Rumlow?" she sighed, brushing a stray piece of hair out of her eyes. She glanced at the Asset and found him fixed on a point outside of the window apparently not listening to either of them.

He grinned and passed a tablet back to her before he started to drive. On the screen was a map with a moving red dot.

"The red dot is our target. He's moving fast and getting away. We need him stopped," he said over his shoulder.

"Do we chase or do we intercept?" she asked and he looked at her in the rearview mirror.

"You've got the Asset. You tell me." His gaze shifted in the mirror to The Asset beside her and she turned to face him again. "Pierce wants a full execution, Cupcake. He doesn't care how public, the mark just needs to be dead," Rumlow said as Rory watched The Asset. He was watching the map now; his eyes alight with an intelligent gleam as he assessed the situation.

"What do you want to do, Asset?" she asked and she heard Brock give a laugh.

"You know the handler usually has the plan, right?" Brock asked but she ignored him. The Asset glanced at her with a look that fell somewhere between shock and curiosity, as if he'd never been asked before.

"Do you have a plan?" she asked again, watching him closely. His face shifted minutely as he kept his emotions in check. He was silent for a few seconds more until he looked away from her and pointed to the map.

"Traffic on Roosevelt Bridge. He won't take it," The Soldier murmured. "Take route 68. Head him off on 17th Avenue, coming from the North." He pointed with his metallic hand, the light gleaming off it. He pulled it away when he caught her looking at it and she met his eyes, giving a small smile at the look of disgust on his face. He really didn't like that arm and she'd noticed he hated when she acknowledged it.

Brock cleared his throat and Rory met his eyes in the rearview mirror. His eyebrow rose, a silent question asking her what she wanted to do.

"You heard him," she said and Brock let out a surprised huff. "What weapons do you need?" she asked and his shoulders stiffened again. He looked at her cautiously and she was reminded strongly of an abused dog hoping for trust.

"Grenade launcher," he grunted back. "Fire it under his car, flip it. Trap him so I can kill him quickly."

She nodded slowly. His eyes were dead and hollow as he spoke and she realized he was going through the motions of killing like it was second nature. It chilled her and she looked away first.

"Done," she agreed and there was a creak of leather as he shifted away from her, curling into himself.

They drove for a few minutes more before he requested to stop.

"We're not even close to the mark," Brock argued, shaking his head.

"I need to set up," The Asset replied, eyes on the map again.

Brock shot Rory an exasperated look and she nodded.

"Stop the car," she ordered. He gave a sigh and pulled out of the traffic. They all got out and Brock popped the trunk, allowing The Asset access to his weapons. He took a few minutes to load up everything and when he was done, he looked more menacing than before.

He reached for a pair of goggles and a mask, and strapped them on, turning away from them to wait. A chill went up Rory spine and she wondered exactly how much control she had over him. She hoped it was more than she felt like she had because if he decided to go rogue he would kill them all.

"Hope you know what you're doing, cupcake," Brock said in a low voice as he stood beside her. "You probably shouldn't give this guy too much free reign."

"I've handled people before," she replied dryly and he let out a laugh.

"This guy, he isn't a 'people'. He's a machine." He shook his head. Rory scowled. "I'm just lookin' out for my girl." He sighed, elbowing her. They heard the sounds of screeching tires and crunching metal and he grinned. "Looks like he was right after all."

"Mm, looks like." She nodded. "Who's the mark, anyway?" she didn't usually ask. The less she knew, the easier she slept at night but her kills had never been public executions. This was different. This felt wrong.

The Soldier straightened and walked into the middle of the road as the black SUV screeched into view at the end of the street.

"Nick Fury," Brock replied and Rory's heart stopped.

" _What_ ," she breathed.

There was a ringing in her ears as the soft _thwump_ of the grenade signalled the launch of the projectile. Her stomach dropped as it landed, skidding for a few feet before it attached itself to the underside of the car and then….

Tears sprang to her eyes as it exploded, trapping the only person on earth who knew what she was doing.

Nick Fury couldn't die. He was the only person who could get her out of this, yet the Soldier she was in charge of was about to stride over to the wreck to kill him. This was the biggest fuck up of the century and she was watching her death sentence being signed in front of her.

"Why?" Rory asked, watching as the car flipped spectacularly through the air before coming to a stop on its roof. The Asset moved, his shoulder swinging with the weight of his arm.

"Pierce ordered it. Apparently he's too close to figuring us out and he's trying to shut Project Insight down." Brock grinned and she nodded. Blind panic flooded through her. Fury was close to finding Hydra, which meant she was close to being able to get out. Her teeth clenched so hard she thought they might crack, and her stomach churned. "We're gonna make it look like he was selling national security details to the Algerian pirates. Push the council into launching Project Insight early." The grin of Brock's face made her mouth go dry but it was better than watching Nick Fury die.

The Asset flipped the car with his metal arm, tore off the door, held up his gun and then… nothing. He dropped the car and stormed back over where she and Brock were standing. Brock drew his gun but she placed a hand on his arm.

"Progress report?" she asked him as he came to a stop in front of her. She couldn't make out his expression from under the goggles and mask but his body language suggested he was fuming.

" _Proshlo,"_ he grunted as he stormed past her toward the Tahoe.

"Gone?" she asked, turning to follow him and he nodded, the back of his head bobbing ever so slightly but he didn't turn back. She glanced at Brock who was peering over at the wreck. He strode over and returned within seconds.

"Son of a bitch had a plasma cutter. He's on the move! I want a 10 block perimeter set up around us. Keep civilians out!" Brock barked orders left and right, and internally, Rory sang. There was a chance Fury would be ok.

The Asset threw off waves of rage, making the air palpable and she knew he had to finish his mission. It was part of his programming. He wouldn't rest until Nick Fury was dead.

"Where would he go?" Brock turned back to her.

Rory shrugged. "I don't know. He hasn't been my boss in 2 years and I've only just been reinstated. Chances are, he doesn't trust me enough to tell me." She shook her head. It wasn't a lie. She really had no idea where any of his safe houses were in D.C. "He'd go to someone he trusts, maybe? He's injured, so he needs help. He can't go anywhere alone," she murmured. The list of people was both long and short and she wasn't sure where to begin. She just hoped she could figure it out before Brock did.

"Alright we'll work it out. Take The Asset back to the car and wait for further instruction." He dug the keys out of his pocket and tossed them to her. She caught them one handed and nodded.

"C'mon on," she muttered to The Asset as she passed him and he did, his boots crunching some gravel under foot.

She opened the door for him before sliding in behind. She let out a shaky breath as the locks clicked down. They were alone and she could think in the silence.

"I failed. You will punish me." His voice was so soft behind his mask that she wasn't quite sure that she'd heard him. It was only when he looked up at her, his eyebrows drawn together with fear that she knew for sure.

"You didn't fail." She shook her head. "You couldn't have predicted that he would be able to cut his way out of a car so no, no punishment."

His look of worry dropped to a fierce scowl and he looked at his hands. They balled into fists and the anger and frustration that radiated from him was suffocating. She let out a breath and dug around in her suit for her burner phone. The screen was blank with no news. Fear and panic seared her gut. Her breath came in short gasps and she failed miserably to hold herself together.

Her ears rang as her future looked bleak.

Nice Fury was basically dead, that much she knew. If he didn't die he would go into hiding and she couldn't guarantee that he would make contact with her. She was stuck in a rock and a hard place, not entirely sure what to do next. She needed help, but who could help her now?

She was undercover so she couldn't exactly turn to Natasha or Steve. Clint was god knows where and Arthur Falsworth was in England working for MI6 again. She knew Maria wasn't in the state and didn't have her number anyway so she was out by default. Tony _might_ help her but he was a public figure, in the same boat as Steve and Natasha. What she needed was an underdog. An ace in the hole. Someone Hydra wouldn't expect her to side with and who wouldn't rouse suspicion.

The leather seats beside her creaked as The Asset shifted, taking off his mask and she looked at him in a new light, an idea forming in her mind.

What did she have to lose by telling him? It was risky, yes, but he needed her help as much as she needed his. He seemed to trust her and be comfortable enough around her that she was fairly sure he wouldn't rat her out. He was genuinely fearful that he was going to be punished for his failure.

Her breath caught in her throat.

Pierce may have been testing her but he probably wasn't expecting to recruit the Asset to her own side. Not SHIELD and not Hydra but her own team because with either of the others she was dead.

"Do you trust me, Asset?" she asked, pressing the bug killer button on her wrist. She only had a matter of minutes to make this happen and she hoped they were too preoccupied with Fury's disappearance to notice that her coms had disappeared.

He looked up from his hands and met her gaze. He nodded just once, slowly as if a little unsure but it was still a nod. That was good enough for her.

She worried her lip and looked at the phone in her hands. She sent a quick message to Fury, hoping he would get it in time but she had her doubts. She let out a breath and looked back at the Asset.

"If we find Nick Fury alive, I need you to deploy a non-lethal shot," she said in a slow voice, her mind still trying to process what she was about to do. Every fiber of her being was screaming at her to not tell him, to not reveal who she was but she couldn't do this alone. Not now. She had nothing to lose.

"That's not my mission," he said in reply, confusion seeping into his tone.

"No, it's not." She shook her head slowly. "It's an amendment," she explained. "You must make it look lethal but you can't kill him, understood?" She shifted in her seat until she was almost facing him. He was watching her with wide, questioning eyes.

"Yes." He nodded. His lips pursed and she read the question behind them without him ever having to speak.

The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. "I'm a double agent," she explained, her ears ringing in fear. "Nick Fury is my handler. I work for SHIELD to try and bring Hydra down and we are _so_ close." Panic was building up in her throat, so sharp and painful, like a thousand knives were pressing into her flesh at once. She squeezed her eyes shut to quell the screaming in her head.

There was a creak of leather on the car seat again and she opened her eyes to find him staring at her incredulously, as if he couldn't believe what she was saying. _Better than the alternative of wanting to kill you_ she thought with mild amusement. He didn't look like he was about to pull his weapon, nor did he look like he was about to open the door and yell for her to be arrested and that was honestly the first good thing to happen to her all damn day.

"I can get you out of this," she continued, her fingers gripping the burner phone tight enough that her knuckles turned white.

Her ears were ringing, making her voice seem tinny and far away. She let out a shaky breath. He continued to stare at her but she pushed on. "You are ordered never to speak of this to anyone, understood?" she said in a tight voice.

He nodded slowly, his silence an immovable force.

"You will never be wiped again if you help me get out of this," she promised him, taking her hands off the wheel.

"How?" he said finally, his voice hinting on the side of caution.

"I'm still working on that but listen to me. If I change your orders you cannot tell anyone," she said, picking up her SHIELD phone again. He nodded, the silence returning.

They sat like that until her phone buzzed in her hand and she jerked in surprise, dropping it to the car floor. She scrambled around for it, the vibrations like a hallelujah chorus come to save her.

"Hello _?"_ Rory answered in a breathless, desperate voice and she could have sworn Nick Fury chuckled.

" _Dugan, am I glad to hear your voice_." He sounded awful, honestly awful and she cringed.

"Nick, where are you?" she demanded, staring at the leather seat head in front of her.

" _So you've heard they tried to kill me, huh?_ "

She hesitated, glancing at The Asset again.

"Uhhh…" The noise she made was somewhere in the spectrum of ' _shit_ ' and _'how do I explain this'_ and she heard Fury snort.

" _Let me guess… you're on the team that tried._ "

"Something like that. The man in the middle of the road?" she questioned, wondering how much Nick remembered of the actual accident.

" _I remember him but I've never seen him before,"_ he said, his voice wheezing horribly in her ear. " _Who is he?_ "

"They call him The Winter Soldier. That old ghost story is true, Nick. He's been Hydra's top assassin since the 50s," she explained. "I'm his handler."

" _Well, I can't say I was expecting to hear you say that."_ This time Fury did let out a chuckle before breaking off into a coughing fit. _"A little heads up might have been nice._ "

"I didn't know you were the target. If I had I would have –"

" _Save it. You wouldn't have. This had to happen if you want to keep your head,"_ Fury spoke over her and she sighed. He had a point. _"Trouble is, he didn't kill me and I_ really _need to give something to Captain Rogers."_

"That's where you're headed?" she asked.

" _I'm trying. I'm a little slow,_ " he said and she grit her teeth. " _But it's got me thinking, maybe you should let me die_."

She gave a strangled noise, like a choke was caught in her throat. The Asset reached for his gun but she waved her hand, shaking her head to signal for him to stop and he did. His eyes never left hers though and she felt strangely comforted by the man. "You can _not_ die. I'm scared, Nick. I need you to get me out of this!"

" _I'm not gonna actually die, Dugan. I'm not an idiot and I wouldn't leave you stranded like that… but having Hydra think I'm dead probably wouldn't be a bad idea._ "

She mulled over his words for a brief second. He had a point. If Hydra thought Nick was dead, then Nick could keep working on whatever it was he was working on without being detected. He could still bring Hydra down but he wouldn't be suspected.

"What do you want me to do?" she made the split second decision knowing that any attempt on the director's life had to look successful. If it wasn't, they would just keep coming and coming until he actually did die.

" _Just sit tight for now. I'm going to get into contact with Hill. The fewer people who know about this, the more successful it's going to be,"_ Fury panted and Rory noted there was an echo. She guessed he was in the sewers and she hoped he made it to where he was going. " _I'll call your SHIELD phone, tell you my location and you can betray me."_

"You don't think that won't raise suspicion?" she asked, her stomach tightening.

" _I took you back into SHIELD. I made the call even though Pierce was the one who put you on the table. If anything it'll make it look like I trust you more than my other agents."_

That was something she hadn't been aware of. She thought from the start that Peirce had made the call to bring her back. She didn't know that Fury had okay'd the transfer.

"It'll deflect suspicion." She nodded slowly. A thought crossed her mind "Sir, I should warn you; The Asset knows about me."

" _Knows_?" She could tell by his tone that he wasn't happy. Even through the wheezing.

"I thought you were dead. I thought you were going to keep me in the dark so I took a risk. He's agreeing to help me as long as I help him when this is all over," she explained, glancing at The Asset. He wasn't looking at her but she knew he was listening. He was always listening and learning and waiting.

" _Are you sure that's safe_?" Fury asked. The Asset met her gaze, his sensitive ears picking up the question. She raised her chin as if asking him for the answer and his dropped slowly in response. He meant her no harm. He was the safe option in the sea of shit she was dealing with.

"Absolutely," she answered without hesitation. "I think Pierce is either testing me with The Asset or he's gotten cocky. Whatever the case may be, their programming is enough that I can order him not to tell anyone and he won't. He can't."

" _You're taking the biggest risk of your life, Dugan,_ " Fury breathed and she loosed a breath.

"I know, I really do know, but I had to try. He's under lock and key. He's treated like an animal. He's not doing this voluntarily." She took a wild guess and was rewarded with a subtle shake of The Asset's head. He gave a snort and looked at his hands, a sneer pulling at his handsome face. She was right. _There might just be some Barnes left in him yet_ she thought fleetingly.

" _I'll trust you on this one as long as he doesn't actually kill me_ ," Fury said and she managed a bark of a laugh.

"I've already altered his orders somewhat but I can't change much without them hurting him. Just tell me where and we'll be there." The Asset cleared his throat and when she looked at him he was nodding at something on the other side of her window. She turned and looked, seeing Brock walking toward them. "I have to go," she said to Fury.

" _I'll be in touch_."

The line went dead and Rory dropped her burner phone to her lap. She switched the phones in her hands so her SHIELD phone was on display. The Burner phone clattered onto the seat between them.

Brock knocked on the window a moment later and she opened it.

"Anything?" she asked and he shook his head.

"No, you?" he asked and she gave her own shake of her head.

"Nothing. I don't have that many SHIELD contacts anymore." She shrugged a shoulder. Brock let out a growl of frustration and leant an arm against the roof. He peered across her, his gaze on the Asset.

"How's he doing?" he asked.

"Fine I think. I don't know, he doesn't say much," Rory replied. Brock snorted a laugh.

"I don't know how you're so comfortable being in the vehicle alone with him, Cupcake." He glanced at her, his brown eyes meeting hers amber ones. "He gives me the creeps."

The Asset shifted as if to say _likewise_ and Rory shook her head.

"He's not a threat to me. I'm fine."

Brock shot her a lazy smile.

"You're the gutsiest woman I know. Half my men won't even be alone with him in the open, let alone in a confined space," he said and Rory fought the urge to roll her eyes. "You don't even have a weapon out!"

"I know what I can handle," was all she said in return. Brock smacked the roof before he turned away to rejoin his unit. Rory pulled the window up.

"I don't like that man," The Asset spoke, again in a voice so soft she almost missed it and she smiled wryly.

"Brock's an acquired taste," she agreed and The Asset glanced at her, his eyebrow quirking upward in a question. "He's not a double. He's just been very important in training my new skillset," she replied. The Asset nodded, turning his head to look forward. "I needed him. A lot."

Her SHIELD phone buzzed and she flicked her thumb across the screen to open the message.

TEXT MESSAGE RECEIVED  
13:07  
UNKNOWN  
 **  
**NEED HELP.  
AVAILABLE?  
NF

She sucked in a breath.

"Time to rock and roll," she muttered. She reached for the door handle but the Asset stopped her with a shift of his boot.

"I grabbed this when that man leaned in." He held the burner phone out to her. "I didn't want him to see it."

She took it and turned the screen on. There was a second message from Fury and one from a number she didn't know that turned out to be Hill. Both messages outlined the way in which Fury was going to die.

He was going to head for Steve's apartment where he would stand with a clear sight for the Asset to shoot him.

Then he was going to be given a drug that would slow his heart to a point where he would appear legally dead in the hospital before he was revived again elsewhere, a safe-house she didn't know outside of D.C.

It made her stomach turn. What if this didn't work? What if he did die and she was left alone as a double agent with no way of getting out. She felt like she was signing her death warrant by doing this.

"Thank you." She nodded and pocketed the phone. "Stay here. I'll be back."

The Asset gave a slight nod and she left the car.

"BROCK!" She yelled out, steeling herself up to do what she needed to. Her hear thudded loudly in her chest as she strode toward him.

He turned from the group he was standing with and watched her closely.

"What –"

"Fury contacted me." She held the phone to him, cutting off his question. He snatched it from her grasp, looking at the message with bright, keen eyes.

"Reply. Now. Tell him you are available," he ordered, shoving the phone back into her hand. She nodded and tapped out the reply.

"I thought you said he wouldn't come to you., he muttered and she shrugged.

"Maybe he thinks I'm still on his side, which is kind of what we want right now," she pointed out and he grunted in agreement. Her phone rang and everyone went quiet as she answered.

"Dugan."

" _I'm glad you picked up."_ Fury said, still sounding terrible.

"Fury, what the hell is going on?" She demanded, glancing at Brock. "STRIKE Unit confirmed that it was you in the wreck downtown. Where are you, where –"

" _I didn't know who else to trust. I'm in a bad way. SHIELD has been compromised. The mole in Hydra didn't stop with Holstein. I think they're are trying to get rid of me because I know too much."_ His voice was stilted and she sucked in a breath, knowing what to ask next.

"Where are you heading? How do I –"

" _Do you know where Rogers lives?"_

She grit her teeth. She didn't want to compromise Steve in this but whatever he needed to give him was important. Steve wasn't in harms way right now. She hoped not anyway.

"I can find out," she assured him, glancing at Brock. He nodded, grabbing the nearest agent to bark quiet orders to him.

" _I'll be there. Please Dugan, you're one of the last people I can count on._ "

The line went dead and she hung up.

"Where?"

"Captain Roger's place," she replied, feeling sick.

"Looks like you're still in the inner circle." Brock looked impressed and she forced herself to smile. "STRIKE, get the gear. We gotta go stake the place out. Wait for him." He turned to her, a wide smile on his face. "Let's make this a statement piece for Captain Rogers, shall we?"

"He must need to see Steve for a reason, maybe we should find out what that reason is first?" This was going to hurt Steve and for the first time, she didn't want to do that. The build up from returning, to discovering Bucky Barnes was still alive and now this was just all too much. She was done trying to hurt someone who could help her.

She was done hating Steve Rogers.

She turned on her heel and went back to the Tahoe. She slid into the back beside The Asset, who hadn't moved since she'd left. He glanced at her but she kept her eyes forward. He didn't say a word and she appreciated his silence.

Brock started the engine and then they were off.

The drive took less time than Rory expected and soon she was peering up at a simple building with nicely manicured lawns in a fairly decent neighborhood. Steve had always had old and traditional tastes and she liked it.

"I want you both up on the roof opposite the two main windows in Roger's home." He pointed to the building across from Steve's building and Roy turned to look. "Get the bugs in the apartment live and working, I want to hear EVERYTHING, including if he dies," Brock ordered.

"Rogers isn't the target, Brock," she said quietly and he turned to her, a wide grin on his face.

"No, but you know. Accidents happen." He winked, his hand brushing over his arm as he passed her by. Her stomach flipped but she shook herself and started to focus on The Asset, leading him but also following his lead as they worked together.

They settled in on the roof in silence, watching the street and the building with keen eyes. It was just before sunset that Fury made an appearance, slipping into the building so fast they almost missed it.

" _Be on alert, Cupcake,_ " Brock murmured in her ear. " _Fury's in the building._ "

"Don't worry. We are," she assured him, glancing at The Asset beside her. He was completely still, hunched forward as he peered down the sights of the sniper rifle. He hadn't moved since they got there and if it hadn't been for the tiniest movement in his vest she would think he had stopped breathing altogether.

" _We?"_ Brock choked out a laugh.

"Handler and Asset are always a team," she repeated the words she'd heard a doctor tell Pierce when she was overlooking his training. She heard a loud exhalation come from The Asset and she guessed she amused him in some way.

In the apartment music went on and Rory smiled faintly, recognizing the piece. The last time she'd heard that particular song she was watching Steve and her Grandmother dance, upset that she had fallen in love and hadn't realized until it was too late.

The memory burned in her mind as it played over. She'd fallen so hard for him and she was in such a state of denial she'd made herself sick – she was also pregnant at that time but didn't know it yet.

She wished she could go back there, back to a time when she and he were perfectly ok and their lives were ahead of them. She still couldn't quite work out how things had fucked up so badly but it all came down to Hydra and that was what spurred this mission on. Maybe they would figure things out when this was al done. Maybe, just maybe, when this was all over and she wasn't toeing the fine line between death and dishonor they would come to an impasse and be in each others lives again.

 _Maybe_...

The Asset turned his head a quarter inch, breaking her from her demons.

" _This song. I know it,"_ se said in Russian.

" _Dah. It's from your time_ ," she replied with a small nod.

He was quiet a moment longer, his eyes closing as the music came through their ear piece..

" _I see people dancing…"_

Rory sucked in a breath. He was remembering things from his time. The music was triggering his memory.

" _and a girl, a pretty girl in a blue dress, twirling around as I laugh_ –"

" _We have Rogers coming in from the South_."

Rory let out a curse as The Asset was cut off by Brock. His shoulders hunched again as her snapped back to attention, his body going rigid around the rifle in his hands.

She listened as Steve spoke to Fury, the conversation stunted and completely false. Fury knew about the bugs in the apartment. She wondered if Steve did too. Probably not though, she reasoned. They never told him when he was being watched. He was SHIELD's weapon, kept under a similar lock and key to the Asset in front of her. It was almost amusing the kind of parallel that could be drawn between the old friends.

"I have a shot," The Asset murmured.

" _Tell him to take it_ ," Brock urged.

"Take it when ready," she said at the same time. She closed her eyes as three loud shots rang in the still night air.

The Asset stood to assess his handy work and Rory sucked in a deep breath.

" _Don't. Trust. Anyone,"_ she heard Fury gasp out.

Then she heard another voice, a woman's, one she didn't know and she frowned.

Kate? Who was Kate and why would Fury post her as protection? Rory's lip curled but she didn't have long to think about it as Steve muttered a word of warning and The Asset sprinted away from her.

"SHIT! The Asset is running. Captain in pursuit." She swore, jumping to her feet.

" _Don't be seen, get in a car and follow his tracker,_ " Brock replied in a calm voice. There was a crash from below as Steve hurtled himself through one of the windows of the building.

Rory swung herself down a fire escape in record time and slid into a waiting car. She pressed the screen on the console and The Asset showed up as a red dot.

He was running to the other block and she threw the car into gear as her tires screeched.

" _Asset!"_ She barked into her headset, switching to Russian to make it easier. _"Stop running or you will be punished_ ," she said, hating her words. " _Meet me on Florida Avenue, due east from your location. I'm in a car waiting for you."_

She heard a yes and took that as an affirmative that he was going to listen to her. Still, her adrenalin kicked up to 100 and she sat for a few moments with her heartbeat in her ears, waiting for him to come to her.

It seemed like an eternity before he landed in front of the car, his form illuminated by the headlights as he rose from crouch to stand. His walk screamed _murder_ as he strode to the passenger side and got in, slamming the door behind him.

"Asset detained," she barked to Brock as she peeled away from the curb. "Thank you for coming back," she added to him.

"I had to," he muttered, peeling his mask off his face. His arm clicked as he moved his fingers. "You told me to, I had to."

Rory pressed her lips together and let out a sigh.

"I wouldn't have punished you."

"No, but they would have. That Man and the Brute. The one who calls you _Cupcake_ ," he sneered. "They would punish you too and I don't want that."

Rory didn't know how to respond. Those were the most words she'd heard him say all day and he was talking about protecting her. Her heart hammered in her chest as she thought about how fucked up and complicated her life was.

This man, this machine, this _weapon,_ trusted her with his life and was letting her know that she could trust him. They really were a team now and there was no going back. She had to get them out of this, even if it was the last thing she ever did with her life.

In a twisted way she felt this was her punishment for running two years earlier. For hurting her family. For hurting Steve. She'd dug herself this grave and now she had to lie in it but she'd try damned hard to climb out of it first.

* * *

Author's note:

I spent literal months trying to decide how to best bring to life The Winter Soldier from this point of view. The Civil War movie gave me some clarity. I hope you enjoy him as much as I do.

He's not a monster, he's a man just trying to survive.

Playlist:

Monster - Colours

Middle Finger - Bohnes

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing - Set it Off

C


	4. Drapetomania

Metanoia

Chapter 4: Drapetomania

* * *

"Mission Report?" The man named Alexander Pierce demanded in a cold, cruel voice.

The Asset didn't like That Man. That Man with the grey hair and grey eyes that seemed to watch everything he was doing at any given point in time. That Man was arrogant. That Man liked to pull his rank over everyone in the room. That Man was evil.

"Target hit," The Asset confirmed in a low voice. He didn't elaborate. If they needed more they would ask and if they didn't ask for specifics, he didn't have to give them.

Besides, speaking out of turn would make the man punish him. He didn't want to be punished.

"But not killed. He's in surgery now as we speak," That Man said in a soft voice. The Asset looked toward the far wall where his handler looked on.

He liked her, had done since the first moment he'd met her but now his respect for her doubled. She'd let him in on her secret and he would defy all the programming in the world to keep it safe. He had to. She was going to save him, he could feel it. Even though he'd never met her before, there was something about her that reminded him of someone; an old friend with a determined streak and a stubborn nature to boot. An old friend who never backed down from a fight and hated the bullies of this world.

An old friend... He just… couldn't remember anything else about that friend.

She always seemed to know what he was thinking, as if she could read his mind. Even now, she met his gaze and nodded encouragingly, reading his apprehension at sitting so close to That Man.

"Why did it take so long, Asset?" That Man asked again and the asset tore his eyes away from his handler. He frowned. Was his name really Asset? Surely he had a name but he had long forgotten it. It had been taken from him, he wasn't sure how long ago but it was gone. When he tried to recall it, only darkness answered.

"The mark escaped the first time," he replied, telling the truth. His hands balled into fists, remembering the sting of failure when he'd flipped the car and had found the man gone.

"Unacceptable," That Man growled and The Asset flinched away, anticipating being struck.

"He had a plasma cutter, sir. We couldn't have predicted that," his handler spoke up in his defense and he looked up at her in surprise. What if she got punished for speaking out of turn? He didn't want her to be punished for defending him. "He contacted me and told me he was going to Captain Rogers' apartment which is where we brought him down."

The Asset's eyes picked up the small flex of her jaw and the crinkle of her eye, and even though the man hadn't been killed she was reacting as if he had. Her handler was safe, for now but if he wasn't, all was lost for both of them.

"Brought him down but not killed," That Man spoke, turning to face her. The Asset's eyes widened. The man wasn't dead which meant he'd succeeded for her. "Didn't you instruct him to take a lethal shot?"

She hadn't.

"She did," The Asset spoke up and That Man whipped around to face him. His eyes narrowed. His handler wouldn't lie for him. He wouldn't let her.

"And why didn't you?"

"Visibility was low. I wasn't instructed to hit the other man. I took three shots instead of one because it will kill him eventually," he explained. His hands were balled into fists under the table and anticipation rumbled around in his stomach. He'd spoken out of turn. He had lied for her. He was going to be punished for that.

"He's in surgery now. You better hope he dies. Nick Fury was too close to learning everything. He was trying to put a stop to Project Insight." That Man stood, turning to leave the room instead of punishing him and he breathed out. That Man paused beside his handler and he held his breath again. Every muscle in his body tensed as he anticipated That Man hurting his handler. He wouldn't be able to stop himself if he did.

"Put the Asset away and then head over to the hospital. I want the final mission report as soon as you know," he spoke to his handler in low tones and she nodded, keeping her eyes fixed on the floor. The Asset breathed out again. No punishment. She was safe.

"Of course, sir," she replied and then he left. "Asset, you need to disarm and rest," she said, squaring her shoulders. She looked at him, really looked at him and then she gave him a small smile. "You did good today. Thank you," she said softly and a surge of pride, a feeling he wasn't familiar with, right through the middle of his chest.

He nodded and stood, following her back to his small quarters where he could strip down and shower. He wouldn't sleep but he would rest, a kind of meditation that kept his mind alert and sharp. He hated sleeping considering that was all he did every other day of the year.

She bid him goodbye as she slipped from his room and he sat on his bed, watching the door. He wouldn't admit to anyone but the voices in his mind that he was watching the clock, counting down the minutes until she returned. He didn't know when but he waited patiently for her anyway.

* * *

Nick Fury was pronounced dead at 8:07am April 1st after his heart stopped beating during surgery. Rory was there when the call was made, standing as a guard outside the operating room doors.

Even though she knew that he hadn't actually died, she still felt the sick, slick weight of sorrow and guilt in her stomach.

 _This is all part of the plan_ she kept telling herself over and over again but no matter what her hands wouldn't stop shaking and her eyes burned as she struggled not to show anything that would give her away.

She clutched the hilts of two blades tightly as Brock took up space beside her.

"You know this had to happen, don't you?" he asked and she glanced up at him, finding him studying her intently. She furrowed her brow, wondering what he was talking about. "Fury dying?" He dropped his voice until it was barely audible. "He was too close to undoing all our hard work."

Like always, she wasn't surprised that Brock saw more than he let on.

"I know that," she replied, her eyes narrowing. "I'm not upset but I've still known the guy since I was a kid. It's slightly more personal than I thought it would be." She cleared her throat.

"You've never killed anyone you've known, have you?" Brock asked, sympathy in his tone and she shook her head truthfully.

"I didn't kill him," she bit tersely.

"No, but you're in charge of the thing that did," he replied and she fought to keep the scowl off her face. The Asset wasn't a Thing. He was a person and she couldn't wait to take them both far from here. "You handle him well," he complimented, his hand coming to rest on the small of her back. Absently, she leant into him grateful for his comfort.

"So Pierce said, and if you say it's because of _feminine wiles_ I will punch you," she scowled this time and Brock laughed loudly. He shook his head.

"While that did cross my mind, I also know you're good at what you do… You bring your own brand of something to him. It's what makes you a good leader." He nudged her and she looked up to find him grinning at her. "You've got him wrapped around your little finger, which is where you want to keep the dangerous ones, Cupcake." He winked and she shook her head, a smirk forming on her lips.

How many times in her life had she been told that she had someone wrapped around her finger? Too many to count. She didn't know why or how but it came in handy from time to time.

"Trouble in paradise for The Wonder Twins?" Brock said, his voice close to Rory's ear. Rory's eyebrows knitted and she followed his gaze to Natasha and Steve who were having a heated argument outside Fury's operating room.

"Who knows?" Rory shrugged, trying to sound bored. Truthfully though, she was curious as to why they'd be arguing about. "Do we have to be here much longer? I need a shower and some more sleep."

She turned away from Steve and Natasha as guilt coursed through her body. She was responsible for their loss, their sadness. She seemed to be giving it to them in spades lately; she just hoped they forgave her when everything came to light.

"No, Pierce wants Rogers' back at the Trisk ASAP to question him about why Fury was in his apartment." Brock pushed off the wall, gripping his rifle lazily. "Unless you know?"

"Not a clue," she answered quickly, shaking her head. "I've been avoiding anything to do with Rogers since we got back."

"Too hard?" Brock questioned and she gave a small nod.

"Too many risks. He is the one person who would actually blow my cover," she murmured and Brock squeezed her hip. "I can't lie to him." Brocks eyes flashed with anger at that and his fingers dug into her suit.

"Shame. Rogers' better talk. We've got a thing planned if he doesn't," Brock said and turned away from her, his hand slipping from her body. Rory jerked, pushing herself off the wall after him.

"Wait, what?" she demanded, reaching for him. "What thing?"

"He doesn't talk we either kill him or arresting for aiding Fury's 'deceit'," he quoted with his fingers lightly. Rory's jaw clenched.

"Right, and how do you intend to do this?" she asked, her eyebrow arching with more confidence than she felt inside.

"Corner him in an elevator." Rumlow shrugged easily. "Take him out with 10 of us. Shouldn't be too hard." He winked, mistaking the look on her face for worry. He ducked to kiss her softly. "We'll be fine."

"And if you're not?" Rory asked. Brock's eyes flashed in annoyance.

"If this is your way of wanting on the team, Cupcake then just ask." He bit and she shook her head.

"Of course I want on a team but I'm wondering why I wasn't asked in the first place." She grit her teeth, her jaw flexing with annoyance. Rumlow pushed some hair off her face.

"I figured Jasper would have told you. He's handling the whole thing. Why don't you talk to him?" Rumlow smiled before he winked again. "Maybe he thinks you've still got a thing for your ex?" he said and pushed past her roughly.

She grabbed for him again, not wanting to let him get away with his jealousy act.

"You know that's bullshit," she hissed, her eyes narrowing. Brock looked from her and then to Steve behind them.

"Then talk to Jasper, cupcake. Not me." He shrugged out of her grip and continued on his way.

Jasper was handling the team to take down Steve and she hadn't been told about it. A small part of her wondered if Jas thought she was double crossing them but she pushed it to the back of her mind. There was no time for doubt now.

She turned and followed Brock's movement with her eyes, watching as he called out to Steve.

"Cap. They want you back at SHIELD."

Steve turned to reply to Brock but caught Rory's gaze over his shoulder instead. His body stiffened as he looked at her for the briefest of seconds before he dropped her gaze.

"Yeah, gimmie a second," he said to Brock, before turning away from him.

She felt dizzy as she let go of her breath and she heard Brock insist that he needed to go now. There was tension in Steve's voice as he bit back an ok.

"You're a terrible liar," she heard Natasha mutter quietly before striding off in the opposite direction, leaving Steve standing alone in the corridor. He stood there for a few seconds, looking up and down the corridor before he leaned over to the man restocking the vending machine. Rory frowned as he bent over and handed him something but she looked away quickly as he straightened and strode toward them.

"Let's go," he said, not looking at her as all as he passed. That one small gesture killed her and she looked back at the vending machine, her eyes burning.

"S.T.R.I.K.E moving out!" Brock ordered as he and Steve disappeared around the corner, side by side.

She waited a moment before she dashed to the vending machine. The guy who had been stocking it was snapping the locks back into place.

"What did that man give you?" she demanded and he glanced at her.

"Nothing." He shook his head. His eyes glanced at the second to top shelf as he gathered his tools.

"Open the machine," she demanded, following his gaze.

"No can do, lady." He shrugged and hurried away from her. She didn't really have the will to stop him.

She peered into the machine before she gave a groan. There was a slim, silver stick behind the packs of hubba bubba and she recognized the USB after a few seconds.

"Roger's isn't really imaginative when it comes to hiding things, is he?" Natasha's voice had her jerking back in surprise. She hadn't heard the Russian approach at all.

"No, he's really not," Rory agreed. "That's why he was at Fury's apartment," she said flatly, looking back into the machine.

"It makes no sense but I'm sure I can figure it out," Natasha murmured. Rory heard the jingling of coins and then a pack of Hubba Bubba was dispensed to them. "You should go," Natasha said as she put some more money in the machine. "Rumlow will come looking for you, _Cupcake_."

Rory hesitated before she nodded and she met Natasha's eyes in the reflection of the vending machine glass.

"I'm sorry about Nick," she said softly. "I know what he meant to you."

Natasha's expression hardened.

"It's not like it was your fault," she said softly. Rory could see the pain in her eyes and she had to look away.

Guilt ate away at Rory's throat and she turned, striding away to join the team. Natasha would never forgive her, even if or when she found out it was apart of her mission with SHIELD. The bridge was burned. She was the cause of Nick Fury's death.

She rode with S.T.R.I.K.E back to the Trisk and then disappeared to find Jasper without a word to anyone. She found him in the control room, coordinating a few members of S.T.R.I.K.E and he smiled when he saw her.

"Brock said you were coming."

"Why didn't you include me in this, Jas?" she demanded, standing toe to toe with her old friend. She had to figure out if he thought she was a double agent and she figured aggression was a good tactic to do so.

"I wondered which side of the fence you'd be on," he said as he straightened in front of the monitor.

"What do you mean by that?" she asked snared, curling her fingers into a loose fist. He shrugged, seemingly not bothered by her anger.

"Well you know; your history with Steve might cloud your judgment. I know how much he meant to you," Jasper replied. Rory let out a frustrated breath through her teeth. It could have been a laugh or it could have been a hiss. In all honesty, she wasn't sure.

"He knows too much, Jas. We had to end this before it begins otherwise Project Insight is going to fail and everything we've worked for, everything I've sacrificed, will be for nothing," she explained and he turned to her in surprise.

"You know, I had my doubts as to whether you really would stick with Hydra," he told her, a smile on his face. "I knew you were angry and I knew you'd been hurt but I thought you would give this all up once you got over that."

"You don't get over what they did." She shook her head and Jasper's smile turned sad. He picked something up and handed it to her without dropping her gaze.

"I'm sorry."

Rory looked down. The rifle in her hand was cool and smooth, different to her usual blade but better suited to her target.

"I did include you in my plans you know. I just needed to know you would be ok. You're still my friend, Aurora. No matter what side of the fence you sit," Jasper said quietly. He ran her through what she needed to do and she listened in silence.

Her gut felt tight and heavy when he finished briefing her.

"Do I need to get the Asset?" she asked, looking back up at Jasper.

"Only as a last resort, but we should be ok. Brock is pretty confident his team will take him out in the elevator," Jasper assured her. He pressed a button and the monitor filled with Steve getting into the elevator. "Take your team to the 28th floor. That should give you enough time to get in position for when Rumlow's men come out with him."

She nodded, turning from Jasper to assemble her team. They fell into line behind her. She felt sick. This was so very wrong. She was following orders like a blind soldier and Steve was going to see what she'd become.

She only hoped Fury had a plan for this too.

They were just getting into position on the 28th floor when Jasper's voice came through her earpiece, demanding they keep going down to the 25th floor.

"25th?" she questioned.

"He beat them all. MOVE DUGAN!" Jasper snapped and she shoved the stairwell door open, beckoning her team to follow.

They were just jogging down the corridor when the doors to the elevator screeched open and Steve stood on the other side, watching them advance. His fingers flexed as he went for the door but then their eyes met and he paused.

Maybe he thought she was there to help him and this team was for Brock.

Then she raised her gun and she could see the shock and pain on his face when it clicked in his mind that she wasn't helping him, she was helping them.

"Captain Rogers, put your hands in the air!" she yelled, looking down her sights at him. His brow furrowed into a determined glare but she didn't lower her gun.

She hesitated as he swung his body around, his SHIELD slicing through the cables that held the elevator in place. Her team gave a shout, one asking why she hadn't taken the shot but she ignored them as she took off down the stairs.

She wasn't going after him but she had to know that he got away.

"GIVE IT UP ROGERS! Get that door OPEN!" She heard another team leader yell from a few floors away and she sprinted to where they were.

"Jasper, what is going on?!" she pressed her earpiece.

" _He took down the 12 that were in the elevator with him but now he's cornered,"_ Jasper replied. " _Get the door open and arrest him, Aurora. Or Shoot him. I don't care,"_ He added and Rory let out a growl.

"GET THAT DOOR OPEN," she yelled at them, slinging her rifle over her shoulder. There was no going back now.

" _Are you kidding me?_ " Jasper sounded shocked. " _He's headed for the garage. Lock. Down. The bridge."_

"What?" Rory barked into her coms.

" _He fucking jumped out of the elevator. He must have fallen 50 feet…_ " Rory pushed out of her team and she burst into the nearest office. One look out of the window showed the elevator busted open at the side and a hole in the glass roof below.

Her heart stopped in her chest. She could see his bike hurtling across the bride a moment later and an aircraft followed. Her hand pressed her lips tightly shut when bullets rained down on him but he dodged those as well.

Her ears rang as panic surged through her. He needed to make it out of this alive and of course he did… but she was helplessly trapped inside Hydra ad there was nothing she could do.

" _Meet me in the command hub, Dugan. We have to fix this,"_ Jasper ordered and she bit out an affirmative as she started to hurry down to where she needed to be.

* * *

Steve's mind was a turbulent pool of swirling thoughts as he slipped through Downtown D.C. to head back to the hospital where he'd left the USB. He'd ditched his suit almost as soon as he'd gotten across the bridge, slipping into a back garden to steal clothes off a line. He was lucky the sweats and hoodie fitted him because the t-shirt beneath was on the too small side and it stretched obscenely over his chest. He had no idea where he was going to go after this. He couldn't use his phone because they would be tracking it. He didn't know where Natasha was and he didn't want to implicate Dugan or Peggy at all.

He was trying to focus on a plan but failing, because every so often the image of Aurora popped into his mind, rifle raised and ready to shoot while her voice demanded he give it up.

She'd betrayed him. She was involved with whoever was trying to kill him. He had a feeling it was Alexander Pierce but he couldn't figure out why. What good was it to label him the bad guy? He'd gotten the feeling for a while now that Fury's assassination had been an inside job but the why wasn't something that came easy.

The only thing he had to go on was the USB that Fury had given back to him. He just had to figure out how to get the answers off of it before it was too late.

The halls of the hospital were quiet and for that he was thankful, but he still kept his hood pulled up high over his face just in case someone spotted him. He found the vending machine easily enough but his heart stopped when the row of gum he'd asked the guy to hide the stick behind was gone. Every single stick was gone. Someone had bought 6 packs of gum to get to that USB.

Who the hell would do something like –

Natasha's reflection appeared beside him, blowing a hot pink bubble that popped loudly in his ear.

He turned to face her, saying nothing as he waited for the doctor to pass. His anger bubbled below the surface and he wondered hotly if Natasha was working with Aurora. Working against him to bring him down for things he didn't quite understand yet.

As soon as the hall was empty he shoved the assassin backward into an empty room, using his strength against her small frame. She let out a grunt as the air was pushed from her lungs but he didn't care. He needed answers.

"Where is it?"

"Safe."

" _Do_ better." He gave her shoulders a small shake, his fingers tightening into her flesh. Her brow furrowed.

"Where did you get it?"

"Why would I tell you?" he snapped and her eyebrows rose.

"Fury gave it to you. _Why_?" she demanded, her eyes narrowing minutely and his fingers tightened further.

"What's on it?" he asked and she dropped her gaze.

"I don't know."

His temper spiked.

" _Stop. Lying,_ " he hissed, giving her a shake. Her eyes snapped up to his again. Her brow furrowed in confusion but she didn't try and fight back.

"I only act like I know everything Rogers-" A noise cut her off and he turned, paranoid that they'd found him.

"You know Fury hired the pirates, didn't you?"

Natasha hesitated at that, as if not expecting to know that he did.

She nodded slightly.

"It makes sense. The ship was dirty, Fury needed a way in, so do you –" Her words were cut off as his temper snapped and he lifted her almost off her feet.

"I'm _not gonna ask you again_ ," he snarled, and her watched her assess the threat level. He expected her to fight him, expected her to at least try and defend herself but she didn't. She swallowed a breath and then spoke in an unsteady voice.

"I know who killed Fury. Most of the intelligence community doesn't believe he exists. The ones that do call him 'The Winter Soldier'," she paused as she wet her lips. Steve released his grip on her. "He's credited with over 2 dozen assassinations in the last 50 years."

"So he's a ghost story." Steve almost wanted to roll his eyes. This wasn't helping him. This was stalling him but he needed to know what Natasha knew about Aurora.

"5 years ago I was escorting a nuclear engineer out of Iran. Somebody shot out my tires in Odessa. We lost control, we went straight over a cliff. I pulled us out, but the Winter Soldier was there. I was covering my engineer so he shot him straight through me. Soviet slug. No rifling. Bye bye bikinis." Her eyebrow quirked at the joke and Steve fought the urge to again roll his eyes.

"Yeah I bet you look terrible in them," he replied dryly. Her lips lifted ever so slightly his reply.

"Going after him is a dead end, I know, I've tried." She lifted up her hand and between her fingers was the USB. She was giving it back to him, a show of peace and his trust in her returned. "Like you said, he's a ghost story." She let him take the USB from her fingers and he turned it over in his hand.

"Well, let's find out what the ghost wants." Steve nodded and turned from her. She reached for his arm and pulled him back.

"He'll have a handler. Someone calling the shots for him. They wouldn't let him do this on his own," she said slowly, her gaze trying to tell him something. He frowned.

"Pierce?" He suggested but Natasha shook her head.

"Pierce wouldn't get his hands that dirty. I'm thinking a new player. Someone skilled, ruthless, proving a point…" She trailed off and the realization hit him like a ton of bricks. If Aurora had returned for this, then she wasn't the woman he remembered. Guilt washed over him so hard that he had to take a deep breath.

This was his fault. He'd done this to her. Pushed her into becoming something she wasn't.

"Aurora," he bit out and Natasha nodded. Her expression was sad as she looked away.

"She's back for a reason, Rogers and I'm not sure it's a good one," she said quietly. Steve ran a hand through his hair.

"Yeah well, she did just about take a shot at me so I think you might be right." His words were bitter and he squeezed his eyes shut as her image appeared again.

"Not the first Carter to do that to you," Natasha mused but he shook his head.

"First one to do it with a team of armed soldiers behind her though," Steve replied and Natasha met his gaze with surprise in her eyes. He let out a breath. "I think it's safe to assume she's not the same woman we once knew. I don't think she's on our side anymore."

"Don't assume anything Rogers until we get to the end of this." Natasha shook her head and pushed away from the wall. "C'mon, Pierce will have everyone looking for you. You're going to need a better disguise than that. My car is in the lot but they're going to figure out I'm with you pretty quickly." She turned to him as she placed her hand on the door. "Do you know how to hotwire a car by any chance?"

He looked at her for a long moment, hoping he could trust his friend. Fury had told him not to trust anyone and Natasha was the master of lies and deceit… but he had no other option but to go with her.

"Are you with me?" he asked, a small amount of vulnerability in his voice. She nodded only once.

"If you want me to be."

* * *

Author's Note:

Hope you enjoyed this. Please let me know what you think. Might publish again in a few days to make up for how short this one was.

Thanks again!

Playlist:

You Know I'm No Good - Amy Winehouse

Nothing left to lose - Kari Kimmel

Dark in my Imagination - of Verona


	5. Depaysement

Metanoia

Chapter 5 - Depaysement

* * *

Rory hoped Steve knew what he'd done when he'd plugged the USB into a computer in Pentagon City mall. S.T.R.I.K.E had received the alert instantly and they'd all piled into the cars to bring him in. Brock was out for blood and Rory was scared he might actually draw it. They had no rules on this mission. They were allowed to do anything they wanted to detain the Avenger.

Pierce had painted Steve as a fugitive, citing him as the cause of Fury's death and all Rory could do was sit and let it happen. She hoped she could help Steve somehow but her confidence was waning as more time passed.

She'd run into Sharon briefly, while Pierce was explaining why Steve was now America's most wanted. Her cousin had been very surprised to see her, not realizing she was back in the country or back with SHIELD.

" _I didn't know you were coming back."_

" _It was a last minute decision."_

" _Does Aunt Peg know?"_

" _Probably. I haven't seen her."_

The look of hurt and betrayal on Sharon's face had almost been too much but she hadn't shown it. She hadn't been able to. The image of Sharon's lifeless body had crossed through her mind and her instinct to protect had forced her to walk away. She was dying inside, her mind, body and soul a red-hot bed of emotions, none of which she had the time or energy to pick apart and fix. There was a job to do. Later, there would be time to fix the wrongs she'd done.

She hoped there would be anyway.

The mall was packed with people and it was too hard to distinguish one face from another in the throng of people. She could only assume Steve had ditched his suit for plain clothes to help him blend in.

"Strike, spread out. I want two of you on level three, four on level two, four on level one. The rest stick to ground. What goes up has to come back down so pay attention around elevators and escalators." Brock turned and addressed them, halting the group in the middle of the atrium. "I want a tag team; two behind, two across at all times," Brock barked final orders at them, before waving his hand dismissively. The unit peeled off, heading for escalators and elevators to get into their positions. He turned to his second in charge. "Rollins, go to the source. Apple store on level 2. Work back to me from there." He turned to Rory, the only one left and his eyes burned with determination. "If you know what way he's going to play this, _now_ would be a great time to share Cupcake."

Rory met his gaze head on and shook her head.

"Rogers and I are different people now. All I can say is that he'll blend in and be keeping a look out for us."

Brock let out a growl and grabbed her elbow to make her follow him.

"Do you think he'll have company?" he asked, dropping her arm but not before softly rubbing where his fingers had dug in, as if he were apologizing for hurting her.

"Romanoff _maybe_? Jasper hasn't been able to get hold of her since Rogers went AWOL." Rory gave an educated guess. That wasn't a lie. Natasha was loyal to Steve and picked up on bullshit pretty fast. If he'd needed help she would be there, no questions asked. The USB had also been encrypted past the point of Steve being able to crack it. He was good with technology now, but not that good. Natasha definitely was.

"Right, so we're keeping an eye out for both," Brock said and relayed that to the team.

"They could have split up," Rory pointed out but Brock shook his head.

"Not if they need each other," he muttered.

" _Negative at the source_ ," Rollins voice came through their earpieces and Rory let out a breath. Her eyes swept back and forth over the crowd. Brock stopped and pressed his finger to his ear.

"Give me a floor run down," he demanded. Rory kept her eyes peeled, turning a full circle, hand on the gun holstered at her hip. If she could see him first she could head him off, keep Brock of the way so Steve could get out. She needed to do something to help him, after all she'd done to put him in this position she owed him this much.

" _Negative on three."_

" _Negative on two."_

Brock let out a frustrated growl and gestured for Rory to follow him toward the escalator.

"Snake the upper levels and work down to me," He barked into the coms. They stepped onto the escalator at the exact moment Rory caught the flash of Natasha's red hair tucked under the hood of her jacket.

She was at the top of the escalator that was descending beside them and when Rory looked behind her, she recognized Steve. A baseball cap shadowed his face and he was wearing thick-rimmed glasses. It reminded her of the time she'd taken him to the Smithsonian exhibit and she'd forced him into a Red Sox cap. He'd been mortified and the memory made her heart twist painfully.

Rory met Natasha's eyes in the next breath and the green widened in surprise. She panicked as Bock looked to the left. A few more seconds and he would see them. She had to think fast but as always Natasha was faster and she whipped around to say something to Steve.

Rory tugged on Rumlow's arm but he didn't turn.

"What?" he grunted and she opened her mouth to say something but it got caught as Natasha's hand came up to grab Steve by the neck and she pulled him down into a kiss. The escalator seemed to slow as they passed; Steve's hand finding Natasha's hip, fingers splaying on the bare skin showing there; his head moved ever so slightly as he kissed her back and it looked like he'd done that before.

Rory's throat closed over and her ears rang. She never thought, after all this time, that she would be upset if he'd moved on but a coldness swept through her as Natasha pulled away and met her eyes again over Steve's shoulder.

It was as if the assassin knew Rory would still be watching and she met her gaze head on, smirking before she turned and descended the escalator again, muttering something to Steve as they bled back into the throng of people.

Her body was cold and she felt like she was suffocating. There was a scream that only she could hear, coming from inside her that announced the shattering of her heart as it broke all over again.

Why did she still feel that way? After everything that had happened, everything that he'd done, that _she'd_ done… she still felt the sharp twist of jealousy in her heart, the small weight of how much she'd once loved him pushing through.

"What?" Brock nudged her again and like a tape being sped up, everything cashed around her in sharp clarity. Her heart pounded in her ears and she struggled to breathe as she stepped off the escalator at the top.

"Nothing." She shook her head, trying to compose herself before he noticed something was awry. "I thought I saw them… but I didn't. It wasn't them." Brock's expression darkened and he breezed past her, stalking through a level where he wouldn't find what he wanted...

And neither would Rory.

* * *

Alexander Pierce's house was dark as Rory sat in the kitchen, The Asset a black statue in the shadows beside her. Brock had messaged her an hour earlier to say that Steve had evaded them yet again and that it was time to bring in The Asset but first they needed Pierce to ok it.

Of course she was happy about Steve escaping again, it meant he was still alive and hope wasn't lost; but on other side of the same coin she was numb, the witnessed kiss between Natasha and Steve had brought emotions that she'd been keeping hidden to the surface. Not only did it hurt like a bitch to see her ex kiss her friend, it also highlighted just how royally she'd fucked up by taking the mission to infiltrate Hydra and move away.

She was alone in their world now. She had no one to turn to. The one person who had a chance of getting her out of this alive was technically dead and she didn't expect to hear from him for a number of weeks. She didn't know if she even had that long. It was practically all down to her to help stop Project Insight but she couldn't. She didn't know how.

Plans shifted faster than quicksand, every decision changing what she could and couldn't do. She had to figure something out, but she didn't know _what_. All she could do was sit on her hands and take the punches as they came and hopefully not give herself away in the process.

The Asset shifted the tiniest amount in his seat beside her and it took her a few seconds longer to register the sound of footsteps approaching the kitchen. She hadn't wanted to come here but Brock had insisted that Peirce be informed immediately so she could get her next round of orders for the Soldier and finally put this all to rest.

Pierce entered his kitchen, not noticing them at first as he reached into his fridge for the carton of milk but his eyes were on them in the next second as he set the carton on the counter.

" _I'm going to go, Mr. Pierce_. _Do you need anything before I leave?"_ A woman's voice echoed through the house and Pierce turned his head at the noise. Pierces eyes never left The Asset as he answered hesitantly.

"No, ah, it's fine Renata. You can go home," Pierce replied, his eyes finally meeting Rory's. She held his gaze, hoping her expression was serious enough that she wouldn't be in too much trouble for breaking in.

" _Ok, night night!"_ The assumed housekeeper said goodbye and her footsteps trailed through the house.

"Goodnight," Pierce replied. He was silent a few seconds longer as the door clicked closed. "Want some milk?" he offered, turning his back and reaching for a glass.

"No. We're fine," she replied and he gave a small shrug.

"What are you doing here, Agent Dugan?" he asked as he poured a splash of milk into the glass.

"Rumlow requested the Asset be brought in. He requested that I inform you immediately of Captain Rogers second escape," she replied and Pierce placed the carton of milk back onto the counter with a little more force then necessary.

"How?"

"He's a super soldier. How does he do anything?" she shrugged and his eyes narrowed on her. He was silent a few seconds more and she waited patiently.

"The timetable has moved," he said finally, bringing the glass to his lips. "Our window is limited." He rounded the counter and came toward them. He was far too casual and calm about this but she knew Steve's escape bothered him.

"We understand that sir, which is why we need new orders," she replied, clenching her jaw.

Pierce took a seat in front of herself and the Asset.

"Two targets, level six." He said. "They already cost me Zola."

Zola, the supercomputer that had been blown up hours earlier. Zola, the supercomputer that had had it's coordinates on the _Lumarian Star_ , which she'd given to Fury, who'd then passed them to Steve. Fury had known something was up but he'd never been able to pin point what.

Armin Zola, Hydra's head assassin, had never truly died. That was how Hydra had stayed a float and hidden all these years. She felt sick now that she'd figured it out. Technology had blocked them at every turn and those who'd been smart enough to beat it, like Tony Stark's father, had died.

"I want confirmed death in 10 hours," Pierce continued. Rory nodded but she was confused. He wasn't talking about Steve.

Captain Rogers was a level 10 threat because he was classed as a superhuman and he was an Avenger. The people who would be classed as level 6 were Agents. Herself, Rumlow… Natasha Romanoff.

She stayed quiet as her brain whirred to life. He was sending The Asset in to kill Natasha and someone else… but who? She couldn't work it out. Who else had cost them Zola… who else had –

"Sorry, Mr Pierce I…" Renata's voice made Pierce jump and even Rory gripped her blade hilt tightly. The woman paused as her eyes flicked from Pierce, to herself and then to the Asset. "I-I forgot my… phone…" She sounded nervous and Pierce sighed, wincing as he turned.

"Oh Renata," he said. "I wish you would have knocked."

He reached for the gun on the table and before Rory could stop him he'd picked it up and fired two shots into the frightened woman.

Rory didn't move, she couldn't move. That had been a cold blood kill. There was no way Renata could have heard what Pierce was talking about but he'd killed her all the same.

Pierce calmly returned the gun to the table between The Asset and himself.

"She was such a good housekeeper." He shook his head as he focused back on Rory and the Asset.

She decided to leave that issue well alone, instead, focusing back on their marks.

"Sir, I'm guessing one level six problem is Natasha Romanoff –" she said, figuring that Natasha had been the one to crack the USB and take Steve there, but she couldn't pick who was the other. Pierce nodded. "But the other?"

"Jasper Sitwell."

Rory sat forward. That was interesting. What had Jasper done?

"Sitwell?"

"I put him in charge of capturing Captain Rogers and he's failed me. Because of him and Romanoff, Rogers got to Zola and Zola is now gone," Pierce explained and she nodded. It made sense. Jasper's team had failed which reflected on Jasper.

He was the next friend that she was ordered to kill and even though Jasper was Hydra, she couldn't help but try and figure out a way to get him out of it.

"Understood, Sir." She nodded. "Was there anything else?" she queried, hoping he would just let them leave.

"Actually, Agent Dugan, as it turns out there is," he said, tipping his glass back to drain the rest of the milk. "I've been thinking about your family."

Rory's blood turned to ice but she held her breath.

"My family, sir?" she asked, fixing her face with a look of bored confusion.

"You've been in town about 48 hours. I think it's time you paid them a visit." He nodded and she forced herself to suck in air through her nose.

"What for?"

"Captain Rogers has been close to them these past few years. He's always been friends with Dugan and Carter but your brothers are frequently at his apartment, watching sports and just generally being friendly. He goes to your sisters house for dinner at least once a week," Pierce explained and it scared her just how closely he'd been watching Steve all this time. "I'm wondering if Steve may go to them while he's on the run."

Rory shook her head quickly, panic creeping up her throat like fire.

"I don't think so," She disagreed and Pierce tipped his head in a question.

"Oh?"

"He wouldn't willingly put people he loves in danger, He knows now that you've been watching him. It's probably killing him to think that Hydra might be watching his family, but he won't go to them."

"But what if he had a reason to?" Pierce asked and she frowned again. "I want you to reconnect with your family. I want you to monitor them from the inside. If the opportunity to trap Captain Rogers arises, I want you to do it."

Inside her head, Rory was screaming again.

He was asking her to use her family as leverage and she couldn't do that. It was far too dangerous for them to be involved but she couldn't say no. If she said no he would send someone like Rumlow or Rollins and they were far too unpredictable and violent for that. They would kill her family if they stood in the way.

She only had one choice in this and that was to accept.

"I will head there tonight," Rory agreed, a sick feeling sliding around in her stomach.

"Very good." He smiled and stood, walking around to his sink to rinse his glass. "You know, there was once a time when I doubted you, Agent Dugan," he said as Rory stood.

"I hope that's changed?" she questioned, her voice even. She ordered the Asset to stand as well and pushed his gun toward him.

"It has. You have been valuable to Hydra. I'm very glad we took the risk and got you on board."

She let out a tiny breath of relief and she managed a smile.

"Well Hydra makes more sense than SHIELD these days. Hydra lets me do what I want without having to answer to anyone. It was a smart choice in my book," she replied.

"Mine as well," Pierce agreed. She beckoned The Asset to follow her and they stepped over Renata's body.

"Would you like me to call someone to take care of that for you, sir?" Rory asked casually, trying not to look at the dead woman's face.

"If you don't mind, Aurora. I have a few other things to take care of tonight," he replied, heading off in the other direction.

It wasn't until they were both settled safely in the car and she had called for a clean up crew that Rory let out a long breath through her teeth. Her whole body was alive and shaking with nerves and she didn't quite know which way to turn.

"Are you going to change my orders?" The Asset asked after a long moment of silence.

Rory turned the engine before she spoke.

"No. It has to happen," she breathed. He nodded, looking down at his hands as she started to drive.

"You know," he spoke again minutes later, surprising her. "If you go to your family, you can make sure they're safe from the inside. You can…get them out…before it gets bad for them."

She glanced at him as she drove, watching as the orange streetlights washed over him at regular intervals. She wondered what he was thinking, what was going on in that broken mind of his.

Hesitantly she reached for his gloved hand where it rested on his knee and she slipped her fingers between the leather. She felt him clam up; felt him panic under her touch so she gave a quick squeeze before pulling back.

"Thank you," she murmured and he looked up in confusion.

"What for?"

"Thinking of me."

He gave a slight nod before he dropped her gaze, turning instead to look out of the windows and into the night.

* * *

Rory stood outside her sisters' house for what felt like forever, her go-bag clutched tightly in her fists as she deliberated what she was going to say to Maggie.

She'd chosen to see Maggie first because her sister seemed like the easiest option. The feelings she had toward her grandparents were too raw and her brothers wouldn't know what to say. Maggie was also the least defended of them all; her brothers at least had weapons and combat experience from the military. If anything were to happen, they would be able to protect themselves… Maggie, on the other hand, wouldn't.

She knew her sister would be mad at her and she didn't blame her. Hell, she was expecting the door to be slammed in her face and Maggie had every right to do so… but she hoped she didn't. She'd missed her sister terribly since she'd left, regretting every day that passed without contact.

When she'd first moved to Australia she'd wanted to get settled. She'd promised herself that she'd tell Nick to give Maggie the encrypted email she was using and explain everything.

Then as months passed and she was still so mad with everyone and she knew Maggie would push her to forgive… and then once she had forgiven and she missed her grandparents as much as she did Maggie, Grant and Tim but too much time had passed and she was embarrassed to call them. Too embarrassed to admit she had been wrong.

By the time she could talk to them, she was too far entangled up in Hydra's web to risk putting them in danger. It would only take one slip to tell them something and for Hydra to hear it and they would be dead.

She heard movement behind the door and her stomach flipped. She clenched her jaw and raised her fist, knocking three times on the hard wood door. There was a skittering of feet on the floor, Maggie yelling out to Biscuit and then it opened.

"Hey, Mags," she said softly as her sister opened the door wide.

She was exactly how Rory remembered her; her dark brown hair framing her face as it escaped her ponytail, her eyes bright and round, similar to Rory's except a deep brown that was from Peggy. Her smile slipped, the apples of her cheeks dropping as recognition sparked behind her eyes.

" _Aurora_?" Maggie breathed but was cut short as Biscuit the Golden Retriever shot out at Rory, jumping up and barking loudly as he welcomed his owner home. Rory dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms around the wriggling, crying dog. Her throat tightened. At least someone had missed her. Her butt hit the ground as he pressed against her and it wasn't until she pulled away from the dog and felt his wet fur that she realized she was crying.

There were several long minutes where no one said a word.

"What are you _doing_ here?" Maggie said finally, her voice barely above a whisper and Rory looked up in worry. She was pale, as if she'd seen a ghost and behind her a little girl's head peaked out from behind her knees. Rory guessed this was her daughter, the one she'd missed the birth of and her heart panged at the thought. "What the _hell_ are you doing here?!" Maggie's voice came back to her and Rory looked up to find her face pinched in a scowl.

She reached behind her, hitching the toddler up onto her hip. The movement pulled her shirt tighter across her stomach and Rory's noticed the firm bump peeking through.

The lump in her throat closed over. Maggie was pregnant again.

"I… I needed to talk to you," Rory said softly, her eyes unable to leave the bump.

She could have had that. She could have had the bump and her own child would be slightly younger than Maggie's. It was what she'd missed, the hole that had never been filled. Her vision blurred and she dropped her gaze to the floor. "I'm so sorry, Maggie." She said as a sob escaped her lips.

"Bis, inside," Maggie ordered. Rory was sure she was going to have the door shut in her face but Maggie's hand was warm on her arm as she pulled her forward. "You too. You have _a lot_ of explaining to do, Aurora." Her voice was still sharp but relief flooded through her tone.

Rory stepped into the house, noticing the small changes that had happened; family pictures adorned the walls, toys scattered the floor. They'd painted too, the entry hall was now a rich burgundy trimmed in white, which reminded Rory of their home in Boston. She loved it.

"This is Rose. Named for Jay's mother." Maggie gestured to her daughter as she placed her down. She stood on steady legs, despite being less than 2 and watched Rory with wide eyes.

The girl was as high as Rory's knee but she walked with confidence toward her. Rory's eyes stayed glued to her and she tried not to imagine her own child as a slightly younger version of her niece.

"Are you here to play?" Rose asked in a soft, musical voice.

Rory was lost for words so she simply nodded. The girl cheered with delight and reached for Rory's hand. Rory knelt down in front of her so they were eyelevel.

"My name is Rosie."

"Hello Rosie," Rory smiled. "My name is Rory."

"Auntie Rory." Rosie corrected and Rory laughed, blinking through tears she hadn't noticed had started to fall again. "Stop crying! Why are you crying?"

Rory's face crumpled again as an overwhelming feeling of sadness ran through her. She nodded anyway, trying to convey to the small child that she was ok. Rosie however placed her arms around Rory's neck and held on tightly.

"I'm ok. I'm just… I'm happy, that's all."

"Rosie, go and find daddy to play in your room, ok." Maggie's voice sounded strained and Rory glanced up. Her sisters face was unreadable, her eyes glassy. She looked like she was struggling to hold together whatever emotion was giving her that look and Rory wasn't looking forward to figuring out what it was.

"But _mom_ my!"

" _Now_ , sweetheart. Please." Maggie gave her daughter a tight smile and nudged her toward the hall.

Rory stood as the toddler disappeared down a hall.

"Mags? Everything ok?" Jay called down the hall a moment later. He appeared a few seconds after that and he stopped short when his eyes fell on Rory. "Oh… hey?" Confusion was evident in his tone as he looked between her and Maggie with raised eyebrows,

"Yeah, babe. Everything is fine. Just keep Rosie there ok?" Maggie said as Rory raised her hand to wave. Jay looked between the sisters again before he nodded and retreated down the hall again. They heard a door click shut.

The sisters stood facing each other for a few long, drawn out minutes. She counted exactly 4 as her heart thundered in her chest while Maggie looked over every inch of her.

"How long have you been back?" Maggie broke the silence finally, clearing her throat in the process.

"Uh, a little over 48 hours." She calculated in her head. God, had it only been two days since she'd been back? The way her body felt, it seemed like much longer.

"Two days?" Maggie's voice was flat but the hurt seeped through. "You've been back for _two days_ and you didn't call? You didn't drop by? No, ' _Hey Mags, I'm back let's catch up because I missed you?'_ "

"I did miss you!" Rory protested but Maggie gave her a sharp look.

"Oh yeah? Missed me so much you never called? You never wrote? Fuck, Roar I would have taken a Facebook poke after 6 months." Maggie's face pinched into something twisted and angry and Rory shrank back. "I thought you were _dead_."

"Fury never told you?"

Maggie looked like she'd been winded.

" _Fury_ knew where you were?" she hissed, her face pinching into an expression equal only to violent murder and the color drained from Rory's face. She'd only ever seen her sister this angry once in her life and that was when she'd found out her ex had hit her. Rory had been as afraid of her then as she was right now.

"He found out about a year and a half ago," Rory confirmed, going back to the time Jasper had come with Strike to Australia. Maggie's jaw ticked. She let out a breath through her nose, her fists clenched tight by her sides.

"Of course he knew." She rolled her eyes. "So if he knew then it had to be something to do with espionage because even _Tony_ couldn't find you. _God_ , Steve told us you wanted to go back to SHIELD so badly; I thought you quit!"

"I did quit, technically… and Steve was trying to stop me!" Rory exclaimed, the memory of multiple arguments with Steve coming to the surface. Anger flared in Rory's chest but she locked it down. Not wasn't the time to be mad at Steve.

"Because he _cared_ about you!" Maggie's voice rose and she threw her hands in the air. She turned and walked away from Rory before pacing right back. "You _died_ because of that job. You literally died in his arms. It _killed_ him and you were too damn stubborn to see it. You _ran away_ because someone said _no_."

Anger bubbled Rory's chest again as she remembered why she'd actually left. All the reasons she'd left which she wasn't sure if Maggie knew about. Surely if she did, she wouldn't be taking their side?

"I left because he _lied_ to me, Maggie," she said in a clipped voice. "I was pregnant and he and Peggy and Dugan _lied_ about it." The twist in her gut told her she would never forget that lie, no matter how desperately she needed their help right now. The damage was too great. She could only move forward and hope to forgive one day.

"Yeah. They told me," Maggie stated and Rory stared at her in surprise.

"So you know why I –"

"I do and I admit I was furious with them. I didn't talk to them for over a month. I gave birth and told them to never come near me or Rosie… and then I looked at her and I realized something." Maggie ran her hands over her stomach, looking down at her next, unborn child. "I would have lied to protect her too."

"Rosie is a baby. I was a grown adult who was capable of making her own damn choices," Rory spat and Maggie looked at her. For the first time since Rory had stepped through the door, Maggie wasn't looking at her with a blazing look of anger. Instead, pity was all Rory saw in her sisters' eyes. Warm, soft pity as if she didn't understand something terribly important.

"You were taken and tortured and cut open for someone's fun, Rory." Her voice was soft but the words washed over Rory and elicited memories that she wished to keep hidden. Rory's jaw ached from clenching it so hard and her hand came up to her scars as they stung. "You didn't see it but you were in a bad way, mentally and physically. You hated being alone, even if you tried to push us away. You barely slept and you barely ate. You stared out the window constantly as if waiting for an attack… You wouldn't have survived being told you'd lost a baby as well." Maggie choked on a sob and carefully folded her arms across her stomach. "I know I wouldn't have after that."

Maggie's words hit her like a freight train and Rory didn't have the energy to fight her over it. She knew she was right, it was a conclusion Rory herself had come to a few times while in Australia.

Once all the dust and hurt and anger had settled, she'd realized that Steve and her grandparents really had been trying to help her; but by that stage she was too embarrassed to admit it and she still had to prove to herself that she could do her job.

Being stuck as a Hydra agent with nowhere to run was entirely her fault.

"I know, Mags," she said softly. "I fucked up but I couldn't come back-"

" _Why_!?" Maggie gave a growl of frustration and hastily wiped her eyes.

"Because I couldn't." Rory held up her hand as Maggie opened her mouth to ask what it was. "I'm not dragging you into this mess so I can't tell you but I need Grandma and Grandpa's help," she choked up then, the tears running hotly from her eyes. "Steve's too… If he would."

Maggie nodded and shifted on her feet. She wrung her hands and Rory could tell she was torn between hugging her and leaving her alone.

"I'm so sorry, Maggie," she said finally, her voice breaking. She sucked in a deep breath as Maggie reached for her, dragging her into her arms like she was a life preserver in a stormy sea. They sank to the floor and Maggie wrapped her arms around her sister, holding her so tight to make up for the two years of lost time.

Rory didn't know how much time had passed by the time they hauled themselves to their feet and into the kitchen. Jay finally left the bedroom, hugging her tightly and whispering a 'welcome home' in her ear. Biscuit never left her side, his shoulder pressed firmly to her thigh.

"Grandma and Pa are coming round for dinner tonight," Maggie said quietly once Jay disappeared to give Rosie a bath. "I'm cooking fried chicken are you –"

"Starving," Rory said immediately, wondering what her last meal had actually been. Her stomach gave a loud rumble and she rubbed her hands over it. Maggie laughed.

"Perfect. Are you staying too? I noticed you have a bag…"

Rory looked at her sister guiltily.

"I have a room at the Trisk I can stay at if you don't…"

Maggie shook her head.

"Look, you came here for a reason and if you need Grandma and Pa's help then it's serious, so stay. Please." Her sister smiled. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you, so much Maggie. You have no idea." She smiled back, settling into the bar stool to watch her sister cook.

"You know you look awful with blonde hair, right?" Maggie said as she poured Rory a glass of wine, sticking to water for herself. Rory frowned, running her hand through her short and blonde locks.

"It doesn't look that bad." She shook her head and Maggie snorted.

"It really does."

Rory's eyes narrowed. "Well it's better than the red, so it's staying," Rory said stubbornly, causing Maggie to laugh.

"But the red is you."

"That's the point," Rory said sharply and Maggie rolled her eyes.

"Still a drama queen." She shook her head, pottering around the kitchen. "So where were you?" Maggie asked and Rory wondered what to say.

Pierce hadn't said anything about her sister's place being bugged but she couldn't take the risk. She'd do a sweep later, when her grandparents got there and understood what she was doing but until then she would keep to basics. It also helped to not implicate Maggie if she got caught.

"Australia."

A pan slipped from Maggie's fingers in surprise and clattered to the floor.

" _Australia_?" Maggie almost yelled. She picked up the pan and then straightened, holding onto the bench as the information processed in her mind. "What the hell were you doing in _Australia_?"

Rory took a sip of wine before she replied. "Working for their intelligence agency."

Maggie sucked in a deep breath and shook her head.

"Of course," she muttered. "You win all the awards for biggest tantrum ever, I hope you know that."

Rory laughed at that. There was no argument there. God, she'd missed her sister more than she could ever have imagined.

"So, you worked in Australia and then decided to come back to SHIELD?" Maggie prompted and Rory nodded slowly, trying to figure out how to say it without it being real.

"More or less."

"Classified right?"

Rory nodded slowly again and Maggie gave a laugh that was more strained than relaxed.

"This family and their classified bullshit," she muttered, turning away from Rory to put something on the stove. "Pa returned to SHIELD, did you hear?"

"I heard. I'm surprised. He's only ever talked about how done he was with it all." Rory replied and Maggie laughed.

"He returned to help find you, actually," she said, turning to face Rory. "He thought that if he was there with access to everything SHIELD had that he would find you and be able to bring you home."

Rory felt guilty, again, for being the reason her grandfather had returned to a job he didn't need to be in.

"I really hope he didn't know and didn't tell us," Maggie muttered absently and Rory could see that the lies from old had put fractures in not only her trust, but her siblings as well.

"I don't think he did." She shook her head. "It was an accident that Fury even found out. I didn't exactly go by Aurora Dugan over there. I changed my name so they wouldn't find me."

Maggie's eyebrows rose. "Oh really? So what has my baby sister been known as for the past 2 years?" She picked up her water and took a sip.

"Rebecca Wake." She smiled fondly, half missing the name.

"That's… uh… great." Maggie swallowed and then turned. "So, if you're back with SHIELD have you seen Steve?" she called over her shoulder and Rory gripped her glass tightly. She'd been waiting for Maggie to mention Steve, waiting for her to ask but the question still threw her.

"I have," she answered, taking another long sip.

"How'd that go?" Maggie asked and Rory was surprised to find there wasn't a hint of pushing in her voice. There was no _Look_ , no hint that Rory should be with him again, forgive him for everything that had happened.

"Uh, as well as expected?" Rory shrugged, not quite knowing what to say. "Things I haven't wanted to deal with were right there at the surface as soon as I saw him." She sipped her wine again, her eyes fixed on a point on the counter as she went over everything in her mind. "I thought it would be easier to see him again. It wasn't," she admitted softly.

"If it helps it probably wasn't easy for him either," Maggie said gently and Rory looked up. "He's never quite forgiven himself for being the reason why you left." Her smile was tight as she reached for Rory's hand. "Neither have Pa and Grandma."

Rory just nodded, her stomach tightening again.

"So how long until number 2 comes along?" She changed the subject swiftly; nodding to the bump Maggie was rubbing an absent hand over. Maggie grinned and started talking about her pregnancy and the family while Rory sat and listened. There was so much she had missed while she'd been away. It was nice to hear it and it distracted her from the impending moment when her grandparents got there and she had to face them.

The doorbell ringing made Rory's heart beat wildly all over again and she stood as Maggie brushed past her to answer the door.

She could hear murmured words and Rory figured Maggie had messaged them to give them fair warning that she'd arrived. She held her breath as they entered the kitchen.

Time seemed to freeze as they stepped through the door, looking the same as they always had. Peggy's face was lined with worry and Dugan's hat was in his hands but they looked exactly like they had the last time she'd seen them.

She'd run over this scenario in her head more than a hundred times. Sometimes she was angry. Sometimes she was crying. Sometimes they fought and argued and she told them how much she hated them. Sometimes she told them she was sorry, begged for forgiveness.

But no amount of imagination had prepared her for this moment. The flood of emotions turned her throat dry and made the little girl inside of her beg and scream to go to them, wanting them to hold her tight and never let her go again.

She was so ashamed and guilty for what she'd done. She was still angry with them, yes, but the anger had diminished with time and understanding. She just wanted them to be safe so she could make this up to them forever.

" _Aurora_ ," Peggy breathed and that was all it took for Rory to cross the room in a few steps and engulf the woman in a tight hug that almost knocked both of them off their feet.

"I am _so_ sorry for everything. I'm sorry I ran. I'm sorry I said I hated you. I'm _sorry_ ," Rory sobbed, her voice muffled by her grandmother's shoulder.

Peggy's arms held her tightly and her shoulders shook as she cried. A second pair of arms wrapped around her back and she realized her Pa was holding her as well.

It only made her cry harder.

This was her safety net. This was where she belonged and this was the motivation she needed to get out of Hydra alive.

"We are so sorry, my darling," Peggy's voice was soft and thick. "We should have trusted that you would have been ok. We should have –" Peggy's words cut off with a gasp and her grip tightened.

"I understand." Rory shook her head, squeezing her grandmother with everything she had. "I know why you did it."

"When did you get back, sweetheart?" Dugan's voice was thick with emotion when he let her go. Rory straightened and looked at him, wiping her face on the backs of her hands.

"Two days. I have so much to tell you but I didn't know…" She lifted her hand and tugged on her ear.

Dugan shook his head. "The house is a deadzone. There are no bugs here."

Rory let out a breath, the threat of being caught lifted off her shoulders.

"None of our houses are. Tony installed A.I. systems for that reason. Fury once let it slip that he kept tabs on people and Tony took offence." Peggy's eyes darkened a touch, her fists balling.

"They had bugs in Steve's apartment," Rory pointed out, her eyebrows knitting together.

"Steve refused Tony's help." Peggy shook her head. "They haven't seen eye to eye in recent times."

Rory's jaw clenched. She had a feeling that had something to do with her but she was too afraid to ask.

Dugan's hand rested on her back and he cleared his throat.

"You heard about Fury, didn't you?" he asked and Rory nodded.

"I was there," she said sadly. "I have so much to tell you, there's so much you don't know Pa."

His grip tightened. "Would this have anything to do with Steve being a fugitive of SHIELD's?" He asked and Maggie gasped.

"Steve's a _what_?" Maggie said, eyes wide.

Rory nodded miserably.

"It has everything to do with that. I have so much to tell you."

Her grandparents wasted no time in ushering her into the study, telling Maggie that the less she knew the better off she'd be. Rory sat in the big leather seat behind the desk in front of her grandparents and started from the top.

"The day I found out about everything was the day Fury gave me a mission to go to Australia to see if they'd been infiltrated by Hydra like we had," she started slowly, looking at her fingers on the desk. "I initially turned him down but he gave me the file which… turned me against you." She glanced at her grandparents and found both their faces stony with anger.

"Fury told us you'd quit," Peggy said and Rory shook her head.

"I signed the paper but I always worked for SHIELD. He needed me to spread the word about what had happened so that Hydra would eventually pick me up…"

"And they did," Dugan said softly and she nodded, knowing it wasn't a question. He was pale with shock and Rory bit her lip.

"It took them 8 months but they asked and I joined. I trained with them, trained as them. Worked for them. Became one of their top assets." She smiled sadly, proud of her work but at the same time ashamed. She'd gone against everything she'd ever been taught by the two people in front of her.

"So you're a double agent," Peggy stated and Rory could see all the possibilities of that running through her mind.

"A triple at the moment. The reason why I'm here is to see if Steve will come to you for help. He's been framed. Pierce needed leverage with the council to launch Project: Insight after Fury got it shut down."

"Why did he suddenly shut it down? Fury has been backing that from the start." Dugan frowned and Rory let out a breath. He still didn't know about Hydra in SHIELD.

"Hydra have been working out of SHIELD since the 40's, Pa. Operation Paperclip started it all," she explained, watching the realization dawn on their faces. Peggy's fingers pressed against her lips and she leant back in her seat. Dugan looked positively deflated.

"Hydra is in SHIELD?"

"Hydra _is_ SHIELD. There are sleeper agents all over the country, just waiting for Hydra's uprising. Alexander Pierce is at the helm," Rory confirmed.

"I directed SHIELD for many years and I never…"

"It's a good thing you didn't, Grandma," Rory said sharply. "Anyone who ever got close to finding out the truth died." She swallowed. "Hydra have a weapon that they'd been using for any clean up they needed."

"The man who killed Fury?"

" _Almost_ killed Fury. He's not dead." Rory shook her head. Dugan's eyebrow rose. "Any attack on the directors life had to look legitimate. It was staged."

"How? Why didn't their _weapon_ kill him?" Dugan asked, a deep frown on his features. His fingers brushed his bushy moustache as thought hard about it.

"Because I changed his orders slightly. I'm his handler."

Identical looks of surprise crossed both of their features and Rory felt that twisted sense of pride surface again. She was higher up in the Hydra hierarchy than they were expecting and that made her feel good to have done it all on her own.

"Who is this person? Have we heard of him?" Peggy asked.

Rory hesitated, not quite knowing what to say. How did she explain to them that The Winter Soldier was an old friend? One who was supposed to be dead?

"They call him The Winter Soldier. He's been the best kept ghost story since the 40s."

"We've heard of him. Not enough evidence to support the stories though." Dugan grunted and Rory gave a small laugh.

"Oh trust me Pa, he's real and you know him." She met her Grandfather's eyes. "Bucky Barnes didn't die when he fell from that train. A soviet soldier found him and took him back to their base. Barnes had been experimented on when the 107th was captured in Germany…"

"I remember." Dugan's voice was horse and he'd gone very pale. Peggy reached for her husband's hand and squeezed it tight. "Buck got it the worst out of all of us. It was like he was better than us," Dugan said softly. "So he didn't die."

"How have they kept him alive all this time?" Peggy cleared her throat and drew Rory's attention to her.

"Cryogenics. Whenever they don't need him they wipe his memory and then freeze him," she explained. "When he's unfrozen they reprogram him with this machine, give him things that he needs like his training and who his handler is and that's it. But he's still there, not the same but sometimes something will trigger a memory."

"How do we get him out?" Dugan asked, his voice full of determination. Rory leant forward in her seat, her elbows on the desk.

"I haven't worked it out yet, mostly because I haven't worked out how _I'm_ going to get out. Fury hasn't exactly left me with an extraction plan," she admitted and Dugan's fists balled up on the table.

"You don't have a way out?" Dugan asked and Rory shook her head.

"I'm safe if I stay with Hydra but as soon as they go down and I have to pick a side I'm a sitting duck," she said, shrugging her shoulders lightly. "I'm waiting for Fury or Hill to get in contact. Steve being made to go on the run threw a spanner in the works."

"Does Steve know about what you are?" Peggy asked and Rory shook her head.

"He thinks I'm Hydra. He doesn't know the full story," she said, looking at her hands again. "I haven't had a chance to explain myself to him. The last time I saw him I was following orders to shoot him."

" _Aurora_."

" _I didn't follow through!_ " she said quickly, frowning with indignation. "He jumped out of the elevator before I could?" she added and Peggy's grim frown returned.

"Is his phone is out of action?" she asked, pulling her own from her pocket.

"He would have dumped it when things went south," Dugan muttered. He rubbed his face, looking his actual age for the first time in Rory's life. "How can I help you, sweetheart?"

"You can't Pa." Rory shook her head.

"But –"

"Please. You can't. I don't want my next set of orders to have your name on them." She looked between her grandparents, her heart racing wildly in her chest. "Your ignorance has been the only reason why you're alive. Please don't change that now. Not when we're so close to tearing them down from the inside."

"The Soldier…" he paused, struggling with the words. " _Barnes_ … is he helping you?" Dugan asked and Rory nodded.

"Where he can. They've abused him so badly he's scared of their punishments but yes, he just wants to be freed."

"Good." Dugan nodded. "Then I hope, for all our sakes that this happens soon. We've just got you back. I'm not quite ready to let you go again."

Rory's throat tightened and she leant across the desk to take their hands. Her anger with them was gone. What had been done was done. There was nothing any of them could do to change that.

Right now she had her family by her side and she was feeling stronger than ever. She would make it through this.

* * *

Playlist:

This Night - Black Lab

Criminal - Fiona Apple

You know I'm no Good - Amy Winehouse

The Show Must Go on - Famous Last Words


	6. Constellations

Metanoia

Chapter 6 - Constellations

* * *

Steve was taking a risk by being at Maggie's house. He and Nat had barely made it out of Jersey alive. Hydra had been closer than ever to finding them and he should have been lying low and planning at Sam Wilson's house – but he had to make sure his family was ok.

Now that he knew who and what Aurora Dugan had become, he had this intense and unwavering fear that his family was in danger.

The betrayal still stung. The image of someone he'd once loved so much, standing in front of him with a raised gun was burned into his mind forever and it hurt like an open wound. He couldn't remember ever being stabbed in the back quite so thoroughly but she had done it beautifully. He couldn't help wondering if it had been partially his fault as well.

If only he'd told her.

If only he hadn't pushed her.

If only he'd been up front and done more or found her.

If only.

His world was full of _if only_ and anger and he was done. He was going to bring Hydra down and he wanted to make her suffer for turning on everyone she'd ever loved so easily.

Maggie's house was quiet at that time of the morning. Maggie and Jay were at work and Rosie was in daycare. He was glad. He'd seen them leave but he wanted to make sure Aurora wasn't going to try anything. Maggie was the most undefended of all the siblings. He needed to make sure she was protected.

He stood for almost an hour in the garden, hidden in the bushes at the end of the yard, just watching the house. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary… until something in the top bedroom moved.

Steve focused on it, trying to work out who it could be and then he saw her plain as day when she stopped by the open window. Her phone was pressed against her ear and she was looking into the garden but she didn't see him.

She was talking to someone but he was too far away to make out specifics. Or was it because blood pounded in his ears, hot and angry? He could barely hear himself think over the sound of it.

Questions kept turning over his mind.

Why? How? When? Was it because of him? Was it really even Aurora, or had Hydra captured her and brainwashed her? That would explain why she'd disappeared. He'd heard mumblings that Hydra played with that kind of insanity but he'd never believed it… but now he wanted to. He needed to know.

He didn't stop himself as he darted across the yard, didn't hesitate when he hauled himself up the side of the house and slid into the bedroom in one swift movement.

He landed on silent feet, staying in a crouch as he took in the room. It was the guest room, the one he usually stayed in and it was empty. The sound of running water came from the bathroom and he straightened, realizing she hadn't heard him.

On the bed was a collection of guns and knives, all clean and shiny and sharp. Why knives? It was another question to add to the bank, his mind going over the possibilities at light speed.

The bathroom door opened on the opposite side of the room and she appeared in the doorway, her hands toweling off her short, dirty blonde hair. He hated her hair. She never had suited blonde and now it made her an entirely different person.

Aurora was thinner without her suit on, a lot leaner in the body and face as if she worked hard but barely ate. Her arms were thin but muscular, her collarbones stuck out as sharp angles under smooth skin.

He could pinpoint the moment she finally noticed him as she froze on the spot, eyes widening into saucers as they darted from him to her weapons and back again.

"Don't," he warned, shaking his head.

"You shouldn't be here," Aurora said slowly, her eyes meeting his again.

They were the same warm amber he'd once loved but they had long since lost their spark. Dark circled rimmed them, making them look sunken in and hollow. She looked sick, stressed, as if she were down to her last frayed nerve.

"Neither should you," he replied. "How dare you come here and put them in danger," he snarled and she frowned in response.

"Put them in danger?" she asked. "You mean _my_ family?" Her eyebrow rose dangerously. "I figured I should see them while I was in town." She shrugged and his blood pressure spiked.

"Why? So you can give away their secrets to Hydra? Get them to trap me into coming here so you can be the hero and bring me in?" he asked, stepping toward her.

She didn't reply. Her eyes darted back to her knives. Steve saw what she was going to do a half second before she could do it and he intercepted her, an arm around her waist as he hoisted her up off her feet while she lunged for a weapon. He walked her to the other side of the room, slamming her body against the wall and felt the satisfying huff of air on his neck as the breath was knocked out of her.

"I said _don't_ ," he growled, pressing her into the wall.

Something hard bit into his side and he looked down, surprised. She held a small dagger in her palm, the blade pressed into his side hard enough that he could feel it sting.

"I am never unarmed," she replied, her voice just above a whisper. He held her tighter, one hand pinning her to the wall on her hip, the other pressing across her throat, covering the thin, white scar. His knees pressed against her thighs, caging her in and trapping her.

"Drop it," he ordered but she shook her head.

"Not until you let me go." She didn't push the blade in any more, just held it there to let the tip bite. It was a clear defensive move, not an attack, which surprised him. If she wanted to hurt him she would have started fighting again. He needed to know what her game was, so he searched for answers in the gold of her eyes.

Sadly, he found nothing but a pang of nostalgia that left him breathless.

"How dare you come back here, being what you are?" he hissed. "How long's it been, huh?" he asked, shaking her a little. She let out a squeak and his jaw clenched. "How long? Was it before or after we were together? Were you Hydra when we were – when you were –" _mine._ The question burned hotly as it left his tongue and she sucked in as much air as she could while his arm was across her throat.

"No," she replied and he applied a little more pressure, making her cough. The knife dug in harder and he hissed through his teeth. He moved his hand from her hip and grabbed her fingers squeezing until they cracked. She cried out and dropped the blade and it clattered to the floor loudly. There was a moment where they both fumbled and then he yanked her hands above her head, holding them tight so she couldn't hurt him again.

"I'm waiting," he prompted and she glared hotly at him.

"Do you think I would have let them slice me open if I was Hydra when we were together?" she snarled at him and guilt flashed through his chest. Of course she hadn't been Hydra when they were together but the thought had still been there. She let out a laugh; the noise cold and harsh and she rolled her eyes. "That's what I thought…" she paused, closing her eyes and sucking in a breath. He eased up on her so she could breathe. "I didn't join Hydra until you _made_ me join Hydra."

Steve's jaw clenched so hard that his teeth almost cracked.

"I did not make you –"

"Why do you think they so readily took me on, Steve?" she snapped, anger seeping into every word like hot lava into the earth. "You betrayed me. My _family_ betrayed me. I am their _fucking trophy_!" Aurora exclaimed, her voice turning hoarse with frustration.

"And you thought it was a good idea to join them?! After _everything_ they've done?"

Anger and frustration and hatred were palpable in the air. She made his blood boil and his vision double and he pushed harder on her throat again, enjoying her breathy gasps, feeling a sick sense of satisfaction that he was punishing her.

She fought back this time, bucking under him, but he held her down. He hated her then, more than he ever could have imagined he would. She'd betrayed him far worse than anything he'd ever done to her. She'd betrayed her family too and he wondered if they knew what she'd become. It was going to break Peggy and Dugan's hearts when they found out.

"It wasn't _my_ idea," she gasped out and he could heart her heart beating like a drum inside her ribs. Her eyes were wide, her cheeks flushed red and she was starting to sweat from exertion. He had never been a vindictive person but he was enjoying hurting her a little.

"No? Then who's was it?"

" _Fury's_."

Her voice was barely a croak but the name rang loud and clear. His head spun again at the revelation.

"What?"

He eased off and she coughed, her head falling forward as she sucked in deep lungful's of air.

"I'm a double agent, you fuck. A sleeper," she said, her voice croaking like a frog. "It was Fury's idea from the start. The day I found out about everything was the day he offered this mission to me. He said you were keeping things from me… things that would make me the perfect person to find the source of the compromise and work my way through Hydra as a double."

She looked up finally, her cheeks still flushed but her eyes burning brightly with tears.

"You're on a _mission_?"

"Deep, _deep_ cover." She nodded.

He searched desperately for a lie but couldn't find any signs. She was telling him the truth and he didn't know what to think. She wasn't Hydra but she was. Yet, she was still on his side.

"Do you really think I would betray my family like that, Steve? No matter how hurt I was?" The pain in her voice was hollow and raw and he eased up on her. He moved his hand from her hip to her collarbone, still pinning her in place but giving her more freedom to move.

"I don't know what to think anymore," he admitted, shaking his head.

"Well that makes two of us." She gave a small laugh but she never smiled. "I went to Australia to try and find the source and I found Hydra. _Just_ Hydra. Then they found me?" She posed the question as her brow furrowed. "I'm not quite sure, the line is kind of blurred." She shook her head and leaned her head back between her elbows. She wriggled her wrists and he let her arms go, resting his arm on the wall beside her head to crowd her in. He didn't think she would attack him now, but he still didn't want her near her weapons.

"So, what? They just… found _you,_ the grandchild of the _founder_ of SHIELD and decided you looked like the type to just change sides?" Steve's tone was disbelieving but he was more confused than anything, perhaps even a little proud that she'd managed to pull off such a huge job on her own. He just needed to know _how_.

"I wasn't exactly forward in coming backward about my anger and hate toward you, or my grandparents. When I joined ASIS, it wasn't exactly hard for me to pretend like everything had gone to shit. I was angry, _so_ angry and hurt and that drove me to throw myself into anything they wanted to give me." She shrugged, her shoulders lifting halfheartedly. "I trained with their special forces, their black ops program. I _proved_ myself… and then finally they reached out to SHIELD to help with a STRIKE division – that they wanted me to lead – and that's when Jasper found me."

"Jasper knew about why you left because he was close to you…" Steve's deep sigh of resignation had Rory nodding. It really had been his fault that she'd been perfect for that mission.

"He didn't know I was in Australia but once he found out, Hydra opened their doors to me on his recommendation. He knew what you and Peggy and Dugan had done. He knew how angry I was. He knew how I was hiding from everyone. I was an easy target." Her voice had softened while she spoke and he couldn't place the emotions on her face.

Instead he dropped his gaze to where his hand rested on her collarbone, holding her in place against the wall.

Her skin was warm and soft and he could feel her heart beating rapidly under his palm. A new tattoo caught his eye, splashes of colour that were bright against pale skin. He frowned at it a moment before he realised the dots and lines within the water colour splashes made up constellations. The one poking above her tank top was that of the Aries - Peggy's - star sign and he knew that the line for her family followed the entire way down the scar that ran from shoulder to sternum.

It was a piece of art and he studied it a moment as his mind processed the information she'd given him.

"If I find out you're lying to me, Aurora –"

"I'm as good as dead if Hydra don't fall, Steve. I have no reason to lie to you. I want to help you," she replied. Her tone made him meet her gaze again, his fingers flexing against her skin.

"What's your end game?" he asked, his brow furrowing. Surely Fury hadn't left her in deep cover without an extraction?

"It changes constantly. With Fury not around, I'm a sitting duck," she said and he clenched his jaw. "No one knows I'm under cover except for Fury. They all think I left in some amazing temper tantrum, which isn't a _total_ lie…" she added, her lips twitching slightly. He gave a snort, his tongue darting out to wet his lips.

"You left because we – _I_ – made you feel like we didn't trust you, that we didn't believe you could be ok," he said softly. His fist above her head slid down the wall until it rested on her shoulder. "I don't' know how I can ever show you how sorry I am that I did that. I've spent every day punishing myself for it."

"We've both made mistakes, Steve," She said lightly, her eyes turning sad. "What's done is done but I am sorry for leaving. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I'm in a situation now where everything seems so… stupid. I've gained some perspective. If I had just stopped to listen –"

"Same could be said for myself. If I'd just trusted that you could do it…" He shifted his feet. She was no longer pressed against the wall now but she wasn't trying to get away. He was still angry but it was fading. They were both running out of time and she was right. Perspective was everything. "Come with me," He murmured before he could stop himself. He wanted to help her, wanted to protect her from what she'd gotten herself into. "I can help you. You can run. We can –"

Gently she eased her arms from beside her and she reached up to cup his face. Her heart pulled painfully as she studied his warm, blue eyes.

Despite everything that had happened – his anger, her betrayal, the fact that they'd shattered each others hearts so effectively that neither one was thinking straight… He still wanted to help her.

He still wanted to be her knight in shining armor and was still on her side. Trust would be something neither would have again and things would never be the same between them, but it made her feel safe all the same that he was still there for her.

"You can't help me, Steve." She shook her head, her thumb stroking his jaw softly. "They won't come after _me_ if I leave. They'll go after my family. Maggie, Tim and Grant. They know I'm not estranged from them. They know I've missed them. They know where to hit me hard." Her throat closed as she thought about what they would do if she ran. They would know she was a double the moment they couldn't find her.

He shifted again, his fingers brushing against her skin. He was so close but she didn't want him to move. He was safe and warm and she'd missed him, _goddamn_ how she had missed him. It was an amazing place to be, feeling so much anger toward him, yet missing him like it was burning her alive from the inside. Emotions were funny things. Just when she thought she had a handle on them, they slipped and shifted again.

"We can protect them," He murmured softly.

"We _who_ Steve?" she exclaimed, a hysterical edge seeping into her voice. Her eyes blazed as they flew open. "SHIELD has been Hydra the whole fucking time. The only reason my grandparents are still alive is because they didn't _know_ anything." She gave a laugh. "You saw Zola. You know what they've been doing. You know what they would do if – if… if –"

His hand slid into her hair and he drew her close. She fell forward into his shoulder and she held onto him like a life preserver in a stormy sea. Her heart broke over again as her thoughts raced. She'd gotten herself into this, no one else. She'd agreed to take this mission and she would see it through to the end.

"I saw Zola." Steve's voice was a rumble as he echoed her words. His lips found her hair and he gave a sigh.

"So you know why I have to stick this out to the end?" she asked and he nodded. There was no hesitation. No argument. Nothing. There was tension in Rory's shoulders, as if she was waiting for him to tell her she couldn't continue to be Hydra, but he wasn't about to make that mistake again.

"I got myself into this. I can get myself out.," she stated, defiance in her tone.

"You could die." He pointed out and she shrugged.

"So I die. I only have myself to blame."

Steve tensed, gripping her tight, but he knew she was right. He couldn't argue this with her. Rory's eyes closed and he could have sword she took a deep breath and shifted closer.

Her phone buzzed on the bedside table, the vibrations loud and jarring and they broke through the reverie of the moment. She squeezed him tight once more before she pulled away.

"I should get that." She murmured and he nodded, his arms loosening enough for her to duck under them and scoop up her phone.

Rory turned from Steve, her heart hammering in her chest. She didn't let herself think about what might have happened before her phone rang. What might have happened if she let herself move closer. Rory grabbed her phone, clearing her throat before answering.

"This is Dugan."

" _That took forever, Cupcake. What were you doing_?" Brock's voice sounded tired and tested when he greeted her.

"Just getting out of the shower. What's going on?" she asked, scooping her damp hair away from her neck as she tried to keep her voice casual.

" _Orders are up. Gotta prep your boy and go over a few plans._ "

"Pierce ok'd this?" she asked, frowning slightly. She didn't think they would be needed until they knew exactly where Steve and Natasha were. Panic slammed up her spine at the possibility of them knowing just that and she turned to Steve with wide eyes.

" _Yep. Said we need to be prepared because we're closing in on Romanoff and Rogers."_

"Did he say where they were?" she asked and Steve's eyebrow rose.

" _Not at this stage but they're definitely back in the city so we're keeping a vigilant eye out."_ Rory let out a breath and shook her head.

"Right. Ok. Did you get some sleep?"

" _Yeah, a few hours… Would have been better if you were here to take the edge of_."

She rolled her eyes at his teasing, shaking her head. "Oh _please_ , you and I both know we wouldn't have actually slept." She gave a small laugh, which was followed by a snort from Steve. She glanced at him again, finding him looking pointedly at the floor.

" _That's kinda the point... Any news of Rogers from your family?"_ Brock asked and Steve's eyes snapped to hers again. His arms folded across his chest and she knew he was wary.

"Not a word. They're all worried about him. I couldn't tell them much obviously, didn't want my cover blown," she replied and Steve relaxed slightly. Rory felt mildly offended but then again they were still very much on opposite sides. One small embrace wasn't going to change that.

" _Right. That's a damn shame._ " Rumlow gave a sigh and a groan and Rory imagined him stretching. " _How soon can you get here_?" he asked and she looked at her clock.

"25? I gotta pack up my things first."

" _See you then, beautiful_."

The line clicked off and Rory dropped her phone to the bed.

"So you guys are _friendly_ ," Steve bit out after a few beats of silence and Rory rolled her eyes.

"He was my trainer in Australia. Taught me new skills, everything he knows that kind of deal," she replied with a wave her of hand. She turned from him and started gathering her things together.

"Oh ok, so the _taking the edge off_ is…?"

She glanced at him, her eyebrow rising in surprise.

"Exactly how it sounds," she replied evenly. "Make a habit of listening to other people's phone calls, Rogers?" She asked as she looked away. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him shrug and lean against the wall he'd had her pinned against minutes before.

"Super senses. Not much gets by me." He tapped his ear. "But really, _Rumlow_? You moved on with Brock Rumlow?" His tone was accusing and judgmental all at once and she glared hotly at him.

"Did what I had to do for my job. He's not so bad," she shot at him. "Jealous?"

"Bad? The guy is a raging psychopath." He shook his head. "And jealous? Hardly." He barked a laugh and tucked his hands into his pockets. He cleared his throat after that and Rory knew he was lying.

"Funny. Sounds it," she said lightly, scowling in annoyance. "I mean, you couldn't possibly be jealous of Rumlow when you've moved on too." She shrugged, glancing at him again as she pulled her suit out of her bag.

"Oh? And what's that supposed to mean?" he asked, his eyebrows high with surprise. Rory laughed. If she squinted that almost looked genuine.

"C'mon, Steve. I saw you and Romanoff kissing at the mall," she said, her words sounding so juvenile. "Poor timing though, I mean right in the middle of trying to get away from bad guys?" She headed for the bathroom to get into her suit, leaving the door open so she could still hear him.

"Wait… no... no that's not." He cut himself off and cleared his throat. "There is no Nat and I. She kissed me because public displays of affection make people uncomfortable," he explained and Rory laughed.

She stripped everything but her tank and underwear and stepped into her suit, brushing her hair from the collar as she zipped up the front. She reentered the room and rolled her eyes at him.

"It looked like a pretty practiced PDA," she pressed and his lips thinned. She held up her hands and kept packing her bag, struggling not to smile at the news that Nat hadn't broken the girl code.

"It wasn't. There hasn't been anyone since you," he said flatly and she didn't need to look at him to know he was telling the truth. It made her insides squirm – with awkwardness or joy she wasn't sure. "Why knives?" he asked to change the subject and she looked away from the two she was holding and met his questioning gaze.

"They were something new and different. They're intimate. Unexpected." She shrugged, turning back and reflecting the light off her blade. She dropped her wrist and it sang as it cut through the air.

"I wouldn't have thought after what happed to you that blades would appeal," Steve asked and she sheathed her twins, her fingers going to the scar that ran across her throat.

"Might be part of why I _do_ like them," she said softly before she shook herself and finished packing everything away. She'd never questioned why she'd been drawn to knives beyond that they were something she'd never worked with before, but it made sense to her to not want to run from the thing that had almost killed her.

She zipped up her bag finally and slung it over her shoulder. She could feel him looking at her, his gaze like wildfire over her skin and she cleared her throat before she looked at him.

"What?" She asked finally, when he hadn't moved or said anything.

"Nothing." He shook his head. "Can you tell me anything about the man who killed Fury?" He asked, looking down at his feet. "I saw him briefly on the roof after he…" Steve cleared his throat and Rory wanted to tell him the truth. Although she wasn't quite sure if it _was_ the truth, considering she hadn't actually heard from the man himself since that moment. "He looked powerful. Like a machine."

Rory's stomach churned. She really didn't know what to tell him. If she told him it was Bucky that would be all he focused on. It could make him dangerous and unpredictable which would get him hurt.

If she didn't however, he would never forgive her. Especially if he found out that _she_ was his handler and knew where to find him.

"Not a lot. He's Hydra's best kept secret." She shrugged, glad he wasn't looking at her. "He works alone but I… my team handle him," She corrected and Steve looked up sharply. She couldn't slip much past him.

"Your team? Or you?"

"Me," she replied, knowing she couldn't lie. "Don't ask me anymore Steve. Just focus on what you need to do," she said, hoping he didn't push for more.

Steve's mouth pressed into a thin line but he didn't push further. He listened to her, which was a surprise.

"What is it that I need to do?" he asked.

"Take down SHIELD. Figure out a way," she replied, shrugging a shoulder. "Find Jasper. He's basically Pierce's right hand at the moment." She remembered her orders to take out Jasper and she winced. "Although he has a target on his head too so you should probably move quickly."

"Really?" Steve asked in surprise. "What'd he do?"

"It's what he didn't do and that was protect Zola's information. Pierce blames him for you getting away," she explained and Steve loosed a breath.

"He turns that quickly on his own men?"

"Delicate operation. Hydra's time is coming. There's no room for mistakes." She shook her head. She made for the door and Steve reached for her, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her toward him.

"Spoken like a true Hydra Agent," he murmured but she could hear the joke in his voice. She shrugged, watching as his hand slid softly down her arm until her palm was resting against his. She didn't move. She could barely breath and she had to force herself to talk.

"I do what I have to do to stay alive," she deadpanned. "You'll probably find Jasper downtown today. He's in meetings with Senator Stern. At the _Occidental Grill_ if I remember correctly," she told him, glancing at her phone. "Should be out around one?"

"I guess that's the best time for two of D.C.'s most wanted to go for lunch then," Steve replied and Rory found herself stifling a laugh. Her lips actually hurt a little from trying not to smile. "I'm sorry. I know Jasper is your friend."

"Was," she corrected. "He was my friend but he's been lying for a very long time. Since before you and I…"

Steve nodded, shifting his palm until her fingers linked with his.

"Be careful," he murmured.

"I'm safe as long as no one knows who I am," she promised. "I should be telling you to be careful."

"Me?" He glanced at her under dark lashes and gave her his classic 'Captain America' propaganda smile. "I'm Captain America, ma'am. I'm always fine."

She did laugh at that, her heart skipping the tiniest beat. It shouldn't be like this, it shouldn't be so easy to just slip back to how she used to feel but it was. Even after everything and two years apart, it really was and fear sliced through her chest like a knife.

She pulled her hand away like she'd been electrocuted and tucked some hair over her ears.

"Look, I have to keep a low profile but I'll do what I can to help you from the inside. I have people who can help me now, people who will be able to get others to help me, by proxy." She saw the hurt flicker over his face for a split second before he fixed a neutral expression.

"Don't put yourself at risk. I can manage." He waved his hand. "Just… when this is all over, can we please just talk? Figure some things out?" he asked, his gaze turning hopeful and she sighed.

She didn't want to say no but she couldn't say yes. She simultaneously wanted to run into his arms and run from the room. She was feeling things that were polar opposites and she didn't know what to do, so she slammed the emotions down and locked them tight, promising to tackle them much, much later.

"Let's make it through the next 24-hours, ok?" She gave the non-committal response that could be taken either way and made for the door. She heard his soft sigh as she walked from him but she didn't turn, didn't look back.

"Stay safe," he murmured and she looked over her shoulder.

"You too, Steve."

A bittersweet sadness tickled her throat as she forced herself to walk away. Seeing Steve again had gone several different ways in her head, but none had ever prepared her for the complete 180 she was currently finding herself doing.

She grit her teeth as she exited Maggie's house and forced herself to think about what the rest of the day would bring. Her head needed to be on her mission – all of her missions – and that's where it would be by sheer force of will.

She wasn't allowed to feel. Not yet anyway.

* * *

Playlist:

Sun and Moon (acoustic) - Above and Beyond

i hate you, i love u - gnash

Cold day in Heaven - Delta Rae

Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots


	7. Alexythmia

Metanoia

Chapter 7 -

* * *

 _Bucky?_

 _Bucky?_

 _Bucky?_

 _Bucky?_

 _Bucky?_

Who the hell is Bucky?

Who the hell is Bucky?

Who the hell is Bucky?

Who the hell is Bucky?

"Sargent Barnes."

" _BUCKY! NOOOOO!"_

 _"_ New fist of Hydra."

" _ **Asset**_?"

His eyes flew open as his handler's soft voice reached into his thoughts and pulled him out of the fog. He looked at her while he blinked, her worried features pinching into sharp focus. Sitting across from him in the back of the reinforced vehicle he'd been detained in, she was studying him with her kind eyes.

She'd had to fight to sit with him, the Brute thinking that he was too volatile after the firefight but she'd ignored the order to stay away and climbed in the back. He was glad she had. He didn't want to be alone right now and she was the last person in the world he wanted to hurt.

He knew he was being taken for punishment. He'd failed his mission again, aside from killing the Hydra agent; he'd been sloppy with the woman. There had been something about her face, something familiar and then there was that man...

" _Bucky?"_

" _Who the hell is Bucky?"_

Bucky. That word, that _name_ , had rattled around his head for decades. No matter how many times they wiped him it was always _there_ like a whisper or a scream, confusing him to the point of insanity.

But he'd never heard it uttered out loud until now.

"I knew him," he bit out, not a question but a solid fact statement. He _had_ known that man, once up on a time he was sure of it. Maybe he had been a handler? Maybe he'd been a mark? He wasn't sure why but he knew him.

His handler leant forward, her elbows resting on her knees and she watched him even more closely. There was no fear in her eyes though, none of the wariness that the men regarded him with. She wasn't even armed and it made him nervous because he was a volatile weapon and they treated him with caution for a reason.

He didn't want to hurt her, but he might.

"You did," she said finally, nodding slowly. His jaw clenched.

"Mission?" he asked and she sucked in a deep breath.

"No." She shook her head. "He was a friend."

 _Friend._

The word floored him. He had never had friends, none that he could remember anyway.

"He thinks you died," she continued and his vision shifted. He felt like they'd poured tar into his brain and he was fighting to get through it. Sluggish memories tickled the surface but he didn't know why.

"Did I know you too?" he asked, hoping that this familiarity with her ran deeper than just his programming. It would explain why he wanted to help her, why he trusted her more than any other handler he'd had before – but she shook her head. No.

"You're a little before my time." She smiled softly. "Your name is James Buchanan Barnes. You were a soldier in World War Two. A very good one at that." Her voice was barely a whisper and he closed his eyes. His fists clenched on his knee. "Steve –" she cut herself off as she faltered on the name. "Captain Rogers called you Bucky."

 _Bucky?_

 _Bucky?_

 _Bucky?_

 _Bucky?_

 _Bucky?_

There it was again. That name. Bucky. Whispering. Tickling. _Torturing_.

"Bucky," He said slowly, the name rolling around in his mouth. Every time he was awake it was there, like a stain in a carpet that nothing would get out.

"You and Steve grew up together in the 1930s, before the war. You were as close as brothers. You looked out for him, he was such a skinny kid…" She laughed softly, looking down at her hands.

How did she know if she hadn't been there? Did she know this Steve personally?

How had he looked out for a man who was three inches taller than him and almost a full shoulder width wider?

 _Because he was smaller then._

The image of a scrawny blonde kid holding up a trash can lid slammed into his mind like a truck and he dropped his head to his hands, gasping.

 _Scrawny little Steve, always picking fights he couldn't win._

" _That's why I keep you around, Jerk."_

" _Oh yeah, Punk? One day I won't be."_

" _Yeah right, Buck. As if."_

"What's going on back there!?" a man yelled from the front of the van. The Asset hadn't realized he was making a noise at all.

"Nothing. Shut up and drive!" his handler called back. She shifted from her side of the van to his.

 _No, no, no, no. I'm dangerous. Too dangerous. Please move, please don't –_

The touch was feather light and soft and he flinched under it as her fingers pressed against the back of his neck.

"Hey, shhh, it's ok," she murmured, her hand sliding around soothingly when he didn't knock her away. It felt nice; her fingers were cool against his feverish skin. It had been a long time since he'd been touched gently.

She shifted around, her hand never leaving his neck and he heard a zip pull down. He sat up and looked at her, his eyes wide with confusion.

"What are you –"

She pulled something from under the uniform. Dogtags, he realized a moment later and he let out a breath.

"These dogtags are fitted with a geolocator so that if anything happens over the next few days and we get separated, I will find you." She pulled them over her head and held them out. "I've had them for a long time. They belonged to someone who was once very important to both of us."

He reached for them with his flesh and blood hand, turning them over in his fingers.

S. Rogers.

The name. That was that man. That man was special to her too.

He opened his mouth to say something but no words came out. Time ran out for them as well, as the vehicle came to a stop and she swapped back to the other side of the van. His neck prickled with heat without her hand there.

He tucked the tags into a pocket in his suit as the doors opened. Blinking in the afternoon light, he followed his handler out and into the bank.

She talked in hushed tones to the man up the front and he shut them all out. There was too much going on in his mind to hear what they were saying anyway. That kid, the scrawny one, he was sure that that was Steve. The Steve he once knew, but _how_. How could that possibly be?

He followed blindly as he was ushered into a bank vault and stripped down. He didn't fight them. As long as his handler was watching him he was ok. He trusted her. He had to. She fought for him the entire time and even though he failed she hadn't said one bad thing about it.

"I'm sorry I failed," he said softly and she crouched down in front of where he sat. The doctor next to them looked up from the panel in his arm he was working on. He glared at him darkly, until the doctor looked away, before he looked back at his handler.

"It's ok. You did what you could," she replied. "You got Sitwell. One out of two ain't bad." She smiled and winked at him. Even so, he could see that the death of her friend, Sitwell, was hurting her.

He'd almost had the woman as well but she'd looked so familiar that it had thrown him… maybe he knew her too… he was too afraid to ask, not with so many ears around.

His handler shot to her feet as The Brute stormed into the cell.

"What's going on?" she asked and was met with wild eyes and bared teeth.

"He's gone AGAIN," he yelled at her, standing over her like an animal. The Asset grit his teeth.

"Gone? You mean he got away?"

"Another fucking Plasma Cutter. Right through the floor of the fucking truck. This was a goddamn set up. One of theirs was in with one of ours," he spat, breathing hard. He could see his handler shift, see her balance her weight on her feet as if waiting for a fight. She had something to do with Roger's getting away again, he could see it painted in her body language but the Brute seemed to miss it entirely as he let out a growl and paced around the room.

The Asset let out a breath. She wasn't in danger anymore. He didn't have to protect her.

 _You always have to protect them. Like Steve. It's what you  
always did.  
What you've  
always done.  
Even when you were Sargent Barnes  
you still followed Steve into a firefight  
Just  
in  
case._

Steve.

Bucky.

Punk.

Jerk.

Names flickered through his mind, a warm feeling spreading through the coldness in his chest.

Cold.

Pain.

Snow.

Blood.

 _Somuchblood._

A man with round glasses and thinning blonde hair flitted across his memory.

" _You will be the new fist of Hydra_."

" _BUCKY NO"_

Falling, ice, pain. Just so much pain –

Without warning he sat up and punched the scientist on his left clear across the room, his arm whirring and clicking as it came back online. His breath came out in short, sharp gasps as he clenched and unclenched his fists.

He heard the clicks as all guns were pulled and trained on hm. He couldn't do this again. He couldn't forget everything.

"Stand down Asset."

Her voice was calm and he flicked his gaze onto hers, unsurprised to find her as the only one in the room without a weapon. He breathed heavily, watching her, taking in all her features.

She moved slowly toward him and he let her. She was no threat.

"Dugan, don't…" One of the men warned but she waved him away.

"Put the gun down," she told him. When he didn't she turned to him. "Brock, please. He's stressed. We don't need you making it worse!" she snapped and he could see the Brute's jaw tick.

The Asset wasn't stressed, he was _angry_. Cold, hot fury swept through his body like a wildfire, untamed and out of control.

He was sick of being used. Sick of waiting for pain. Tired of not remembering the flashes of memory that appeared in every hour of every day.

" _Rumlow!"_ she ordered him again and the man lowered his gun. His finger never left the trigger but the Asset would have called him a dumb man if he'd done that. He could easily destroy them all without blinking but he wouldn't because she was in the way and she didn't deserve to be collateral damage.

" _Sir, he's – He's unstable, erratic. You can't_ –" The scientist who he had thrown across the spoke to someone who was approaching. The Asset tensed up again as the hard heel of his shoes clicked on the stone floor but his handler never turned away from him. Her knee brushed his, a comforting gesture of solidarity.

The vault door opened and the man they called Pierce strode into the room and his eyes went straight to his handler. They slid from her to him a second later.

"Mission report," he demanded.

He had no idea what to say.

His mind was a mess and his thoughts wouldn't line up. He remembered everything with such clarity but it wasn't in order. He couldn't articulate it because that blonde man with his confused face and furrowed brow was right in the middle of his brain calling out to him.

There was a sharp crack as Pierce slapped him across the face, and his head snapped to the side.

"Mission Report, _now_ ," Pierce demanded when The Asset didn't respond.

"Partial success," his handler said, stepping up beside Pierce. "Sitwell Eliminated. Rogers and Romanoff were detained and –"

"I did not ask _you_ ," Pierce growled at her.

The Asset looked up at Pierce, hating the man in front of him.

"The man on the bridge," he said, his voice once again cracking. He had to distract him from his handler. His handler couldn't be hurt. "Who was he?" he asked.

"You met him earlier this week," Pierce replied. "On another assignment."

"I knew him." His voice was soft, barely a whisper. His handler's teeth clicked together and he saw her fists clench tight. He wasn't supposed to ask. He wasn't supposed to talk about it.

But he had so many questions –

Pierce talked at him, spouting off shit about his work being a gift to mankind and how he had shaped century. The Asset didn't want to hear about that. The Asset didn't care about all the bad things he'd done in his life. He just wanted to be rid of it for good.

"If you don't do your part then I can't do mine and Hydra can't give the world the freedom it deserves," Pierce continued. The Asset met his gaze. He was too afraid of the man to stand up to him. To afraid of the punishment that would follow if he hurt him in anyway. Not to mention that she could get caught in the firefight.

"But I knew him," The Asset responded, his tone colored with utter despair

Pierce didn't speak again as he sat back in his seat, studying The Asset like an injured animal with nowhere else to go.

"Prep him," he said finally and panic spiked in The Asset's mind. This was it. He was done for again. He would be wiped and he would forget everything again, including her.

He didn't want to forget her.

"I haven't prepared the program to restart. He'll have no handler he'll be-"

"Just wipe him," Pierce growled and the doctor nodded and motioned to the other doctors in the room.

His eyes widened with panic as he looked at his handler.

He wouldn't have her anymore. He wouldn't know who she was and he would probably try and kill her. He needed her to get her out of here and she needed him – oh Christ this couldn't be happening.

He had to do something, but what?

He could kill them, but she would be caught in the crossfire. He couldn't let her be caught in anything –

"Wait, no!" Rory exclaimed, panic evident in her tone. "What do you mean, no handler?! He needs a damn handler, Pierce!"

She followed him as he walked back to the door. Her entire plan was crumbling. If they wiped the asset now he wouldn't know who she was. He wouldn't trust her. He would probably try and kill her. Everything she'd been cultivating to help them both was crashing and burning in front of her eyes.

"He will listen to anyone in authority which is myself. That will be enough for what we need him for and then he'd going back on ice where he belongs." Pierce shrugged and she straightened her shoulders.

"Sir, it's a waste of time –"

"Are you arguing with my orders, Agent Dugan?" Pierce rounded on her without warning and she stepped back quickly.

"I'm saying that they're bad, yes," Rory responded swiftly. He peered at her closely, scrutinizing her every move and expression. Her heartbeat thudded so loud in her chest and she kept her hands balled at her sides to stop him from seeing how hard she was shaking.

"You have become quite attached to him, haven't you?" Pierce dropped his voice, a sneer on his face. He stepped closer to her and she held her ground. "Maybe I underestimated you. You are a Carter after all. We all know how they can't help themselves when it comes to soldiers of the Super persuasion." He glanced at Rumlow beside him and smiled. "Maybe I shouldn't have picked a woman. See to it that he's wiped and then prepped to go. Rogers won't stay down for long."

Rory's blood boiled but Pierce swept from the room before she could argue.

She was too afraid to turn back, too afraid to watch as they prepped The Asset for a wipe. The one thing she promised she wouldn't let them do again. She hated herself for not doing more to stop it. She contemplated exposing herself and getting them both out of there, but the machine roared to life and stopped that thought in it's tracks.

"Pierce wasn't kidding was he?" Brock asked in a low tone. His hand gripped her bicep and he spun her around to face him. His face was full of a cold rage that she'd only seen a handful of times. "You feel something for him?"

She gave a laugh.

"Excuse me if I think this is all a little inhumane," Rory snarled. She couldn't look at him but she could feel his eyes on her. She swallowed hard as a whirring started up.

"He's a monster, cupcake. He's too far gone to ever be human again," Brock snorted and her lip curled. Turning to leave the vault she didn't get half a step before Brock reached out and grabbed her, dragging her back to his chest. "Nuh uh, princess. You need to see what happens because that is not a man, that is a machine and you need to learn a hard lesson about it."

He held her tightly against his chest and she struggled at first, but then she met the gaze of the Asset and she couldn't look away. He looked scared, abandoned and accusing and she hoped the look on her own face conveyed to him how sorry she was.

He made no noise as the machine flickered with electricity, made not one sound as it locked into place around his skull.

There were a few moment of silence, his chest riding and falling like waves on a rough sea and then he screamed. It was a scream of anguish and fear and pain all rolled into one ands he knew she would never forget that sound as long as she lived.

It made her sick and she felt her own breath coming out in short, sharp gasps. It was a good and long minute before Brock let her go and she ran from the vault, not stopping until she was out on the street and emptying the contents of her stomach onto the sidewalk.

She hadn't saved him. She hadn't. She couldn't.

Her SHIELD phone buzzed in her pocket and she tugged it out, not caring if anyone saw her now.

 **39** **o** **36'22"N77** **o** **55'23W**

Coordinates.

She had coordinates from Fury and she assumed this is where he'd set up his top-secret lair to recover from his extensive injuries in. She seethed, wondering why it had taken him so long to tell her.

She could have hijacked the truck she and the asset had been in only minutes before and they could have hidden him away where no one could get him.

The phone buzzed again and she looked at it.

 **S & N just arrived. We're waiting.**

She wanted to scream and cry and swear at that awful man. The one who had gotten her into this in the first place. The one that was supposed to have been her old friend, her 'Uncle Nicky' who had always been a hero in her eyes.

He'd ruined her life and she'd be damned if this wasn't the last thing she ever did for him.

She jogged a few blocks and found a car she could steal. Those coordinates were in Maryland, a good hour away from D.C. She couldn't afford to have a tail follow her so it was best if she didn't take a SHIELD car.

After this she was out. Out of espionage, out of SHIELD, out of the state. She didn't know what she would do but she had damned well proven her worth and that was enough for her.

Fury's coordinates lead Rory to an abandoned dam and power plant on the banks of the Potomac River on the boarder of Maryland and West Virginia. There was not a soul in sight as she pulled the beat up rustbucket she'd stolen to a stop at the very tall, chained together gates and slid from the car.

Standing still for a few minutes, she listened and watched everything around her. The place was still standing, but the rust on the chains told her no one had been here for quite some time. A few yards behind the fence was the door to the building and she could see that the glass was crusted over with dust and dirt.

She pulled out her phone and checked the coordinates again, wondering if she'd been sent to the wrong place but everything checked out. She walked to the gate and stuck her fingers through the links, pressing her face against the metal. It was so quiet and peaceful out there with no one around. It gave her a moment to breath and digest everything that had happened.

In her silence she heard the faint buzz of a camera moving and she glanced around. Her phone then buzzed in her hands and she picked up the call, placing it to her ear.

" _Nice of you to join us, Agent Dugan_." Maria Hill sounded like she was smirking and Rory resisted rolling her eyes. The camera moved again and she caught where it was hidden, high above her in the trees.

"I would have been here hours ago if you'd given me a heads up on where this place was," she shot back instead, shaking the fence lightly.

" _Total secrecy. We had to know what was going to go down with Captain Rogers before we could tell you."_ Rory huffed and shook her head but Maria continued. _"The road continues off to your left, behind the trees. It'll lead you around to where you can get in. I'll be waiting."_

She hung up and Rory sighed, trudging back to her car. She pressed through the thick, low hanging branch that concealed the road warily, hoping that she had picked the right part.

She drove around the fence line for another mile or so until she saw an open gate with a path leading to an open door. Maria stood in the doorway, her arms folded across her chest and her eyes sharp and alert.

Rory pulled herself from the car and up the path, nodding to Hill as she approached.

"You got them out ok?" Rory asked and Maria nodded.

"Of course. We had some help from your grandfather on the inside," Maria said, closing the bar door behind her before beckoning Rory to follow her down a long, damp corridor that lead further into the dam. "Fury's not exactly happy about you pulling Dugan into this but we're glad you did."

"I didn't pull him in, I gave him a heads up." Rory shook her head, rolling her eyes. "I didn't know if I had an out or not with all of this. I was keeping my options open."

Maria turned and glanced at her over her shoulder as her boots crunched on the dirt floor.

"Yeah, I get it. I'm sorry we haven't given you much of a plan but we don't really have one ourselves." She stopped in front of a door and pushed it open. "That's why we called you in."

Rory nodded, stepping into the room.

Four people were seated around a table and three of them looked up. She met Steve's eyes first, guilt slicing through her stomach whens he saw the expression on his face. He was hurting because of Bucky. Hurting because his best friend, his brother, had been alive the whole time but was being used and tortured and Rory knew and she didn't tell him.

She swiftly looked away at that thought and met Natasha's gaze. The Widow had her shoulder bandaged up and looked like she was in pain, but the small smirk told Rory everything she needed to know. She was forgiven.

The last person that was there was a cocoa skinned man she didn't know but knew had helped Steve in D.C. and that was enough for her to trust him. He gave a once over before he looked away again.

"Nice of you to join us, Agent Dugan," Fury said from the head of the table. He looked more than a little worse for wear but Rory was very glad to see him alive.

"Like I said to Hill, I would have been here sooner if you'd told me where you were hiding out," she said, smiling thinly. She folded her arms over her stomach, unsure of what to say next.

"Of course, you knew he was alive too," Steve muttered, a small and hollow laugh following his words. She glanced at him, finding him shaking his head and turning away. "Unbelievable."

"Agent Dugan is the _reason_ I'm alive. Her undercover work made it possible for me to convincingly die without actually dying," Fury spoke up and Rory looked at him again. He nodded to a seat, inviting her to take it. He picked up a picture of Pierce and held it for a long time before he spoke again. "This man declined the Nobel Peace Prize. He said peace wasn't an achievement. It was a responsibility." He shook his head, dropping the picture to the table. "See, it's stuff like this that gives me trust issues."

Rory rolled her eyes and sat back in her seat.

"We have to stop the launch," Natasha said, glancing across the table at her.

"Yeah, we do but that's _kind_ of tricky since the director is dead and Pierce has the World Security Council eating out of the palm of his hand." Rory shook her head, leaning forward on her elbows. "It's why Pierce pinned Steve as a bad guy, to push them to launch ahead of schedule."

"We gathered that much. Do you know how to stop it?" the dark guy said and Rory glanced at him. "Sam, by the way. Don't think we've met." He introduced himself, leaning over to hold out his hand.

She took it, shaking it once before withdrawing hers.

"Not officially, no. I'm Rory." She paused for a moment before she continued. "I don't know much about Project: Insight, sadly. I wasn't brought in for the launch. I was brought in for a more specialized reason." She clenched her jaw and looked at her hands as Steve shifted, but he didn't say a word. His silence burned her. She knew he was mad, she didn't even have to look at him to feel the anger radiating from his very core.

Fury opened a black case that was sitting in front of him and all eyes went to it. Inside were three, green silicon chips sitting in foam. Rory frowned slightly.

"What's that?" Sam asked the question on everyone's mind.

"Once the helicarriers reach three thousand feet," Maria spoke and turned her computer around to face them. The screen showed a diagram of what the three of them in the air should look like. "They'll triangulate with insight satellites, becoming fully weaponized."

"We need to breach those carriers and replace their targeting servers with our own," Fury finished explaining.

Rory breathed in deep. This was why she was here. She was how they would get into the Triskellion again.

"We need to link all three carriers for this to work because if even one of those ships remains online, a whole lot of people are gonna die," Maria said in a tight voice. They were asking the almost impossible of them all. If Steve and Natasha weren't who they were, she'd probably say it was completely impossible.

"We have to assume everyone aboard those ships is Hydra –"

"But they're not," Rory said, frowning and glancing at Fury. "Not everyone on Insight is Hydra, I know they're not."

"We have no way of knowing who is and who isn't." Fury shook his head. "You have to get past them and insert these serverss and maybe, just maybe we can salvage –"

"We're not salvaging anything," Steve spoke finally and Rory only heard anger in his tone. She turned to look at him, seeing the fire in his eyes. Her heart raced. "We're not just taking down the carriers, Nick, we're taking down SHIELD."

"SHIELD had _nothing_ to do with this." Nick was up in arms in an instant.

"You gave me the mission. This is how it ends." Steve didn't budge. "SHIELD's been compromised, you said so yourself." He glanced at Rory then, his eyes dark and burning before looking back. "Hydra were right under your nose and you didn't notice."

"I noticed. Why do you think I sent her in?" Fury nodded toward Rory. "I had a feeling Hydra were there a long time before you were ever found I just didn't have the way to find them."

"So you destroyed my life, and hers, just to figure it out?" Steve's features twisted at the same time anger flared in Rory's gut. "Why not shut things down? Why not go about it a different way!?"

"Because they had so many eyes and ears on us that I had no where I could shut it down. Your unique situation," he said as he glanced from Rory to Steve and back again, "meant I could send someone in who they wouldn't suspect at all. In fact, they would welcome her with open arms after being betrayed by SHIELD on a much deeper level."

Rory clenched her fists. He'd orchestrated this well before he had ever asked her. She wouldn't have been surprised if he'd been planning this right from when Steve was found, when he ordered her to steer clear of him, knowing full well she wouldn't be able to help herself.

So many secrets and lies within her family meant Fury had been able to manipulate her any way he so chose and Steve gave him the emotional fuel to an already burning fire.

She felt sick that she'd been played so thoroughly. She looked up as Steve loosed a breath and found him watching her.

"How many others paid the price, Nick?" Steve asked and tore his eyes away from hers. "How many others did you know about? Did you know about… about James Barnes like _she_ did?"

Nick looked down at the table and Rory held her breath. He had every right to be mad at her about that. He'd asked about the Winter Soldier back at Maggie's and she'd purposely withheld his identity so his old friend wouldn't distract him. The ironic thing was that was almost exactly what he'd done to her two years ago while she was recovering and he didn't want to make her recovery worse with the news that they'd lost a child.

Oh how fate had a funny way of coming full circle.

"I didn't know about Barnes." He shook his head and Rory wanted to shrink right through the floor. "Not until Agent Dugan told me about him two days ago."

"Even if you did would you have told me? Or would you have compartmentalized that too?" Steve paused and Rory held her breath, waiting for him to round on her but he didn't. "SHIELD. _Hydra_. It all goes."

"He's right," Rory said softly and Nick looked at her. She nodded and he glanced at Maria, who was also nodding. Natasha sat back in her seat when his eyes fell on her and finally he looked at Sam.

"Don't look at me," Sam frowned, shaking his head. "I just do what he does, only slower."

Rory stifled a smile and looked at her hands. Steve always did choose his friends well.

Nick sat back in his seat and let out a long, slow breath.

"Looks like you're giving the orders now, Captain," he said, a verbal agreement that Steve could take the reigns of the mission. Rory was proud and relieved. For the first time in a year she had a light at the end of her tunnel that was growing brighter and bigger with every step she took.

"Right. Let's talk logistics of getting back into the Trisk." He pulled out a seat and looked at Rory but his eyes never met hers properly. "How much pull do you have over the place?"

"Some, not a lot but I can get you guys inside. I just need to pick up my car from Maggie's. I'll take you in in the trunk." She shrugged and sat forward. There was silence around the room and she glanced at everyone.

"Oh you're serious," Natasha said after a beat and Rory nodded.

"I'm technically STRIKE They never check my vehicle. If we move quick I have a few tricks up my sleeve that can put the cameras on the fritz while you take an elevator to get you where you need to be." She sat forward and shuffled papers around until she found the blueprints for the Trisk. She tapped them. "The south-east elevator has no working cameras. It's a "technical problem" caused by Hydra so they could move things around without SHIELD knowing."

"No one will be using it?" Steve asked, listening to every word she was saying.

"Use the codes I give you, the elevator won't stop until you need it to," she explained.

"Will it flag if we're using your codes?" Sam asked and she shook her head.

"I can give you Jaspers'. No one will be looking at him because he's – " She looked at her hands and tried not to think about the horrible way Jasper had died. Thrown from a speeding car into an on coming truck. Not great.

"Ok. That's one issue sorted." Steve cleared his throat. "Let's go over the helicarriers."

Steve was in full Captain mode as he strategized and devised the plan to take down the helicarrier. It was like watching a symphony, every plot and every plan purposely crafted so that nothing was left unturned.

Including The Winter Soldier.

"What are The Winter Soldier's next objectives?" Natasha was the one to ask the question but Steve went as still as a statue while waiting for Rory to answer. She wasn't sure if Natasha knew that she handled him or if Steve had kept that to himself and she glanced at Steve.

"That's a little tricky…"

"What? Hasn't his handler given him orders yet?" Steve bit out and she cleared her throat.

"I'm not exactly his handler anymore," she admitted and Steve raised his eyebrows. "When he saw you on the bridge it kind of… triggered memories for him, I guess? Pierce had him wiped. No handler. He gets his orders directly from Pierce now."

"He doesn't know who you are?"

"Not anymore."

Her chest constricted painfully at the thought. She'd promised to get him out of there. She'd promised that they wouldn't do that to him again. She'd promised him so much and she'd been made to be a liar.

"Right. We'll deal with him when we get to him."

Steve looked down at the paper in front of him but Rory could see his hands shaking as he balled them into fists and hid them under the table.

They spent almost three hours strategizing and going over every aspect of the plan until they went their separate ways to recoup, Natasha and Sam opting for some shut eye in the incredibly uncomfortable camp beds, while Steve disappeared outside to be alone.

She wasn't going to follow him. He'd made it quite clear throughout the hours that he didn't want to talk to her past strategy and the mission. He was angry with her, angry enough to only refer to her as Agent and never meet her eye.

It killed her that he didn't understand why she hadn't told him and she needed to explain her motives so she did follow him, right out onto the dam wall where he stopped halfway across and stared down into the empty concrete pool where the dam had once been.

"What do you want, Aurora?" he snapped when she walked up and stood beside him. His eyes didn't leave the concrete as he spoke and he stuck his hands deep into his pockets.

"To explain," she said softly and he huffed a cold laugh.

"To explain what?" he asked, glancing at her. "To explain how you had every opportunity to tell me about my best friend being alive?" he hissed, his features twisting. " _Or_ to explain that he was alive and he was being used as a weapon under your command?"

She sucked in a breath as his anger washed over her in a hot wave. The tentative truce that they'd established at her sisters' house was gone and she didn't blame him.

"Both." She shrugged a casual shoulder, watching his eyes darken. "I didn't tell you because you would have been distracted if I had."

"Distracted?" Steve bit out. "I would have changed the way I was doing things –"

"Yeah and you would have gotten caught by Hydra," she pointed out and he scowled. "The Winter Soldier doesn't go anywhere without a convoy of armed guards."

"You would have been there, wouldn't you?"

Rory frowned. "Well, yeah… but I couldn't have helped you without outing myself and fucking up things for me, could I?"

"Oh yeah, of course not," Steve muttered, turning away from her. "Can't have you messing up your precious mission."

Rory bristled at his words. She was trying to be rational and explain what her motive was but he wasn't listening. His disregard for what she was trying to say was making her temper spike but she tried to keep it under control.

This is how she'd treated him two years ago. This was just karma biting her in the ass.

"No. We can't. Because if I blow my cover _I die,_ remember?" she said coldly. "Hydra doesn't treat double agents too favorably. They either wind up dead or they're 'reprogrammed' and I don't want to be either of those things."

"I'm sure we would have worked something out. We could have if you'd just told me _who_ he was." Steve's tone was sarcastic and dry as he shrugged.

"But I didn't for this exact reason!" she exclaimed, her frustration with him mounting. "He compromises you, Steve! The only thing you're focusing on is him right now and you have a bigger job to do!"

"Bucky was once the biggest thing in my life –"

"But he's _not_ 'Bucky' anymore!" she shrieked, throwing her hands up in the air. The words rang loudly in the air and Steve stared at her hard, his eyes icy and narrowed to slits.

"He remembered me. You said so yourself, that's why they wiped him again," his voice was low and his words were quick and she could see the thin line he was towing between anger and rage. She grit her teeth and held her ground.

"He did remember you, yes, but he's different. The shit they put him through was enough to change anyone," Rory explained. "He's a loose canon, especially without a handler. His orders are to take you out, so don't think that you can jog his memories and it'll all be ok."

"It _will_ be."

"Don't be so fucking stupid," she snarled. "He will take you out, quickly and effectively and this is exactly why I didn't want to tell you who he was!"

"Because I'm suddenly not helping you get out of the shit you've gotten yourself in?" Steve snapped and so did the control on her temper.

"Don't you dare forget that it was _your_ lie that put me into this shit!" Rory snarled, her voice rising with every word she spoke.

"This isn't about you and me, _sweetheart_ ," he spat, his cheeks going red with anger. "This is about my best friend, a man I thought _I_ had killed."

"No this is _exactly_ about you and me because even after all this time, I know how your mind works Steve and I knew if you'd have known about him you would have acted like a fucking fool and you would have either been captured or killed all to try and save a man who doesn't even know who _he_ is, let alone _you_." Rory found herself standing toe to toe with Steve as her anger and adrenalin took over. She poked him hard in the chest. "This isn't fucking My Little Pony, Steve. This _doesn't_ have a happy friendship is magic ending, ok?!"

"I'm not saying it does!" he yelled back at her, his cheeks turning red. "I'm saying we could have planned for this if you had just _told_ _me_!"

"If I had told you, you would have been distracted – _just_ _like_ if you had told me I'd lost a child, I probably wouldn't have mentally recovered."

Steve stood in front of her looking like she'd slapped him in the face and her words hung loudly in the air between them.

For two years she'd hated him for that lie. It had changed everything about her, everything about how she trusted anyone in her life – but she now understood why he'd done it with such clarity that it burned.

Steve's shoulders slumped.

"I'm sorry Steve. I understand now why you never told me, so you should understand why I didn't tell you," Rory said softly, her anger dissipating in an instant.

Steve didn't say anything as he turned away from her. He leant heavily against the railing that separated them from a 100ft drop.

"Me not telling you about losing our child is completely different to you not telling me about Bucky," he muttered, shaking his head

She let out a frustrated huff. He wasn't going to listen to her and she didn't know what else she could say next. He was going into this mission for the sole purpose of rescuing Bucky and she knew he was probably going to die trying. She felt sick but there was nothing else she could do or say to make him change his mind.

"It's not really that much different, but sure, you think that."

Reaching out for his arm, she squeezed it tightly before turning away. She turned back at the last second.

"You know, I made a promise to him. I promised that I would get him out of there and I intend to hold true to that promise but I need you to shut down Project: Insight before I can."

Steve glanced at her and nodded, not saying anything else.

She let out a shaky breath and left him alone on the dam wall wishing there was something more that she could do.

* * *

Sadly the formatting that I wanted to use didn't work on here. Please go and check it out on archive of our own (same title, posted under Blackhawkinbudapest). It's a very important part of this story.

I would love to know what you think! Please leave likes and comments for me. Thanks, Rae

Playlist:

Happy Little Pill - The Zeitgeists

Under the Storm - The LaFontaines

The Bird and The Worm - The Used

Hollow - Cloudeater


	8. Eleutheromania

Metanoia

Chapter 8: Eleutheromania

* * *

"Where'd you go last night, Cupcake?"

Brock was on her as soon as Rory walked into the training room, his eyes not missing anything as she ran a hand through her hair.

She'd checked her work phone before she'd left Fury's hideout and had been bombarded with a multitude of messages and missed calls all from Rumlow. They ranged from calm to furious, and the thought of it all made her feel a little nauseous. Rumlow was a little more like her ex Jason than she'd first anticipated. It had taken her so long to see it because she was better equipped to handle someone like him this time.

"My sisters," she lied, her eyes narrowing as she watched him warily. "I needed to get away."

"Because of The Asset?" he asked in disbelief. "So Pierce was right? You do feel something for him?" Rumlow clenched his fists tightly at his side. The fingerless, leather gloves he wore creaked softly as his knuckles went white. She clenched her jaw at the jealousy in his tone, but it was better than him knowing the truth. It wouldn't be long before this was over.

"You're being ridiculous, Brock." She shook her head. "My ties to The Asset go a little deeper than this mission sure, but I didn't agree with him being wiped without a handler." She knew their entire team was listening to them argue but she didn't care. They were too close to the end for her to care about something so trivial.

Brock stepped closer to her, towering over her. It took all her effort not to step away from him, to hold her ground and face whatever he had to bring.

"He's not really human anymore, you know that." His voice was soft but there was something in it that made the hair on the back of her neck stand on end. "He couldn't possibly feel anything back, not like –"

"Like what?" Rory cut him off with a sneer. "Like you?"

He let out a snort, his eyes still cold and calculating.

"At least I do love you," he spat at her. "Unlike that Soldier… Unlike _Rogers_."

The words hit her like a truck and Rory had to make herself breathe again. She didn't know if it was what he'd said, or the way he said Steve's name but she felt cold all over.

He loved her. Rory knew they were a "thing" but she hadn't realized he was that serious about her. That he was capable of that kind of emotion; most men like Rumlow weren't. It made them dangerous and she could see this whole situation spiraling out of control when Hydra fell.

"Don't you _dare_ bring Rogers into this," Rory hissed, her fists balling at her sides.

"I don't need to bring Rogers into this, you did that all on your own. I saw the way you looked at him on the ship. He broke your heart and you still love him –"

"Oh fuck off," she snapped, giving him a hard shove. "I would rather diethan still love him."

He stood still for a half second before his hands shot out and gripped her arms tightly. Her body shook as he dragged her violently toward him.

"I find out you feel any other way about him and I'll hold you too that," Rumlow's voice dropped so low that she struggled to hear it. She twisted in his grasp but couldn't escape. "You are _mine_ , you hear me? _Mine_. I will kill anyone who tries to keep us –"

"Rumlow! The Council has arrived. We need to get into position," Rollins' yelled across the room, cutting off Brock's threat.

He pressed a rough kiss to her mouth before he straightened and let her go, turning to answer Rollins.

Rory sucked in a breath. When Brock found out that she was SHIELD there was no telling what he'd do. Her ears rang as she tried not to think about it and focused on the mission.

Natasha was in the building now, on the council disguised as Councilwoman Hawley using a photostatic veil. It had been a last minute plan, put together by Maria Hill as she had personal connections with the English woman. Rory didn't ask for specifics, she just hoped everything was going to run according to the plan.

She started to move away from Rumlow to gather her weapons when he reached for her.

"Cupcake I'm sor –"

"Look, we need to focus." She held up her hand, swallowing hard. Her heart hammered in her chest and her ears rang. Anxiety welled in her stomach. She knew exactly he was about to say.

 _I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I won't do it again._

They were lies, all of them. Things Jason had once promised her time and time again. Men like that never changed and she was itching for this day to be over. "Let's talk about this _after_ we do what we have to do, ok?"

Brock let out a sigh, his shoulders slumping slightly.

"Sure." He nodded, stepping away from her. She turned her back on him and started strapping her weapons to her body. "STRIKE, move out. We have 2 hours until launch, let's make sure there are no Captain America shaped surprises in sto –"

" _Attention all SHIELD agents. This is Steve Rogers –"_

Rory's spine went ramrod straight with surprise. There had been no mention that he would announce when he was here, no reason to try and tell everyone what he was doing. The plan was to come in quietly, stop the launch and then get out. Simple. Easy. S _afe_.

Announcing he was here? Not safe, not easy and definitely _not part of the plan_. She was going to kill him for this if she managed to maintain her cover and make it out alive.

"What the _fuck_?!" Brock's voice was loud and the team scrambled together as he made for the door. "STRIKE, I want us to spread around the floors. _Find him_ ," he barked over his shoulder as they moved through the Trisk. "Rollins, get up to the World Security Council. Dugan, you're with me. We're going to launch the ships early, you got it?"

" _STRIKE and the Insight crew are HYDRA as well. I don't know how many more, but I know they're in the building._ "

Rumlow swore again.

"Shoot _anyone_ who stands in your way. Direct order," Brock barked, the vein in his head pulsing with rage.

Rory clenched her jaw and followed him, not trusting herself to talk. She hoped Steve knew what he'd done by announcing who they were. People were going to die because of this. They entered the control room to absolute silence. Every agent was sitting there looking around in stunned confusion. Meeting Sharon's gaze as she entered, she watched her cousin's face turn to disgust as she realized what Rory had become. Rory's heart sank and her feet stumbled. She had forgotten about Sharon. That there was another person that has hurt in all of this

Rory followed behind Brock as he strode over to the agent in charge of monitoring the launch, knowing that he had the authority to launch the ships whenever he wanted.

"Pre-empt the launch sequence," he requested, in an almost kind voice. "Send those ships up now."

The man – no _boy,_ paused and glanced first at Rumlow and then at her. Rory could see how young he was, fresh faced and probably straight from the academy. He was probably top of his tech class, highly intelligent but not physically fit enough for fieldwork.

"Is there a problem?" Rumlow asked and he shook his head, his words being lost in his nerves. Sharon hovered around behind them, watching the situation unfold. " _Is there a problem_?" Rumlow raised his voice, probably hoping to scare the kid into submission.

"N-no sorry," the kid stammered out. He shifted in his seat and Rory could see the sweat forming on his face.

He sucked in a couple of deep breaths before he replied.

"I'm not gonna launch those ships," he finally said, in a voice that was much braver than he looked. Pride welled in Rory's chest. "Captain's orders." She would have laughed at that but Rumlow pulled his gun and placed it against the kids head.

"Move away from your station," he ordered.

Sharon was across the room in a flash, her own gun pulled and aimed at Rumlow.

"Like he said: Captain's Orders," she hissed, her arm as still as an iron post and her eyes steely and determined. The rest of the room sprang into action, the Hydra sleepers pointing their guns at SHIELD friends. It was absolute pandemonium.

Rory's jaw ached from clenching it so hard. She wasn't supposed to show herself now but Brock was a ticking bomb and someone was going to die. She'd be damned if she let it be someone as brave as that kid, or someone she loved.

Brock glanced at her.

"You wanna deal with your family, Cupcake?" He smirked and Rory looked at Sharon, whose lip curled when she met her gaze.

"Yeah, Rory. You want to deal with me?" Sharon said in a cold voice and she pressed the barrel against Brock's temple.

"Not really. You've always been better than me," Rory said softly. Taking a deep breath, Rory made a decision and aimed her own gun at Brock. "Put the gun down, Brock."

Surprise rendered Brock silent and still for a long moment as he processed what was happening. Behind him, Rory could see Sharon looked equally shocked and she was offended that her cousin would possibly think that lowly of her.

"What the hell are you doing?" Brock hissed, turning to face her. The barrel of her gun was aimed directly between his eyes and he glared at it. "We need to launch those ships!"

Rory shook her head.

"No. We don't," Rory replied, her voice more solid than she felt. " _I_ have to stop those ships from launching. Captain's Orders… and Fury's." Rage boiled in Brock's eyes when it clicked what she had been doing.

"You're SHIELD," he said flatly, devoid of emotion.

Rory gave him a tight smile. "Yeah. I am. I have never been Hydra. Thanks for making it easy for me," she joked in a tone that was half hearted at best..

Brock growled low in his throat and turned back to the young agent at the desk and repositioned his gun against his skull. "You picked the wrong side, Agent," Brock sneered and he cocked his gun. The kid whimpered and Rory stepped forward, pressing the barrel of her gun to his temple.

"Depends on where you're standing," she murmured. "Put the gun down."

He pushed his gun into the kids head before he backed off, glancing first at her and then at Sharon. He dropped it and it clattered to the ground by his boots. The kid in front of him jerked away from fright and Rory stepped back.

In the second it took her to breathe out, Brock drew his knife and sliced Sharon's arm, causing the agent to drop her gun in surprise. That was enough for everyone to start shooting and Rory dove for cover as Brock caught Sharon's gun and turned it on her. Something grazed her side, and she cried out as she hit the deck hard enough to rattle her teeth. Scrambling to her feet a second later, she threw two daggers at Brock, barely taking the time to aim. Satisfaction huffed out of her when one sank into his shoulder.

He swung around to her again, anger blazing in his eyes. She waited for the shot aimed at her but he glanced at the young agent who had defied him. She cried out, knowing he was going to shoot him to get back at her.

Sharon kicked the Agent's chair violently and it careened into Rory hard enough to knock her off her feet. Her head collided with the side of the desk and for a moment she saw literal stars as she rolled under the desk out of Brock's way. Glass shattered above her head as the shot hit the desk and she covered herself as best she could. She shook herself and looked around, expecting him to be advancing but instead of coming after her he was leaning forward, tapping on the computer that could launch the ships.

"NO!" Rory screamed, forcing herself to roll out from under the desk despite the ache in her head and the stinging of her hands and face. She ducked as someone else shot at her and sprang to her feet, firing a fraction too late as Brock ran from the room.

OVERRIDE.

Big, red letters flashed up on the screen and sirens started screaming around them. She swore, digging her coms device out of her pocket and stuck it in her ear.

"Maria, I need to know where Rumlow is heading!" Rory yelled into it, waiting to hear from Hill.

" _Little busy, Dugan. Give me a minute."_

"RORY!" Sharon yelled at her and she turned to find her cousin picking her way over people as she came toward her. "What the hell is going on?!" Sharon asked, cradling her arm to her. Blood painted her skin like a glove and Rory feared the worst.

"It's a long story," Rory breathed, reaching for Sharon's arm. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just superficial." Sharon shook her head impatiently, tugging her hand out of her grip. "I thought you were Hydra!"

"That was the idea. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you." Rory gave her a grim smile before turning her attention to the boy still curled up under the table. "You. Are you hurt?" She crouched down beside him and he uncovered his head. He blinked at her.

"I thought you were one of them," he stammered and she shook her head.

"No, I'm not. I never was. What you did was amazing. Thank you."

He blinked at her again before cowering as a deep rumble had everyone scrambling to hold onto something. The building shook and Rory looked around.

"What's going on?!" Sharon gasped.

" _The doors are opening. They're initiating launch,"_ Maria explained in her ear. " _Captain America and Falcon have being dispatched."_

Rory spun around, trying to find a vantage point, one hand still pressed to her ear. "The helicarriers are launching." The screen had changed, the time on the clock had t-minus 10 minutes and counting.

" _10 minutes._ "

"10 minutes until the satellites are live."

Her phone buzzed in her pocket, her Hydra phone she realized as she pulled it out and she frowned as a text from Brock flashed up on the screen.

TOO BAD YOUR  
GRANDFATHER  
DIDNT MAKE IT  
CUPCAKE.

Her blood ran cold and everything went silent as she reread the text message.

"Sharon, is Pa at work today?" She reached out to steady herself on the desk in front of her as the world swayed violently.

"Yeah, I saw him in his office just before I came here," Sharon replied, her brow wrinkling. "Is everything –"

"Get these people out of here, Sharon. Evacuate _everyone_. Arrest Hydra agents." Her voice was short and sharp as panic crept up her throat. She was giving Sharon the part of the plan that she was supposed to be doing because saving her Pa and stopping Rumlow was more important than anything else. "I've gotta go find Pa."

"Stay safe, ok?" Sharon didn't ask questions as she gave her a quick hug before hauling the agent to his feet to help her.

Rory sucked in a deep breath and wiped some blood from her cheek as she ran from the room.

"Hill, I need a location for Rumlow ASAP." She pressed her comes and exited the same doors Brock had. Instead of Maria replying, Steve did.

" _Aurora, stick to the plan."_ Steve's voice was harsh in her ear and she scowled. " _Get those people out of there."_

Rage rippled through her veins like a cold wave.

"The _plan_?! You want to talk to me about the plan, Steve?" she exclaimed in a half shriek before she slowed to a walk. " _You_ were the one who changed the plan, asshole," she hissed as she looked around, watching the mayhem in the foyer of the Trisk unfold. People scrambled to get out; some were injured, some were not. There was a chance she could still pass for Hydra for just a little bit longer if she just slowed down.

But her Pa…

" _On my end, not yours. You evacuate everyone, now. Leave Rumlow to us_."

"The change _you_ made has sent everything in a meltdown, you fucking idiot." Her hands shook as she wrenched open a fire exit door and took the stairs three at a time. "Sharon is getting everyone out. I'm going after Rumlow because he's going after my Pa." A hysterical edge crept into her tone and when Steve replied he sounded strained.

" _Kill him._ "

Rory nodded, her eyes narrowed with determination.

"As you wish, Captain," she murmured.

Her ears rang as she approached the office door. It was standing ajar and she paused to pull her gun again, before edging it further open. She strained to hear what was going on inside.

"Pa?" Rory called out softly, pushing the door open with her toe. She held her breath as it swung inward.

The air escaped her lungs in a breath of relief as her Pa looked up from his desk. He murmured something into the phone at his ear and hung up.

"What are you doing here, Sweetheart? You're meant to be evacuating people." He stood and picked up a satchel.

Relief made her knees feel weak and her head spin and she steadied herself on the doorframe.

"Here I am, evacuating you," she replied weakly. Dugan frowned at her tone.

"Is everything –"

"Fine Pa. Just… please. Get out of here." Her eyes stung with tears of relief

She had honestly thought Rumlow had killed her Pa. For a good 5 minutes her mind ran through all the things she hadn't said to her Pa, all the things she needed to make up for. It was more than what she realized, and that if it had happened, she wouldn't be okay with it. On shaking legs she carried herself forward until she flung herself into his arms and breathed him in. Her familiar Pa, safe and solid and just the same. His arms circled her and he stroked her hair.

"Are you ok?" he murmured and she nodded.

"I'm fine. I'm… I have to help Sharon… I have to…"

" _Rory. I have eyes on Rumlow. He's headed to up to the council."_ Hill's voice was sharp in her ear.

"What floor?" she asked, her voice and emotions reigning tightly. She stepped back from her Pa and pressed a finger to her ear. Her other hand came up to hurriedly wipe off the tears still clinging to her face.

" _35 and rising. South stairwell. I'm sending Falcon in."_

"I'm on my way. Keep your eyes on him," Rory replied. She glanced at her Pa. "Please get out of here Pa. Get out, take Grandma and the others and hide."

"What is going –"

"They know I'm not Hydra. The man I've played with is dangerous. He's not going to stop unless I stop him first." She squeezed his hand tightly before she let it go.

"I can help –" he started to argue but she cut him off with a firm shake of her head.

"Get the family out of D.C. and out of Boston," she ordered, feeling strange to be speaking to her grandfather like a commander. "I don't know when I'll see you again but I will. Go to Tony. He'll know what to do." She leant forward and kissed her Pa's cheek. He gripped her hands.

"Come with us, sweetheart. Come and help me –"

"I need to finish what I started Pa. I'm sorry. I love you." She tugged her hands out of his and left quickly. If she'd waited any longer she would have gone with him.

But she couldn't run away from her problems. Not again.

" _41_ _st_ _Floor. Falcon's intercepted_ ," Maria informed her as she powered up the stairwell, Rory paused and gave herself a brief moment to slow her breathing when she reached the right floor. She pushed through the doors quietly, unnoticed by either of the men fighting in the middle of the room. Sam was great with his hands but Rumlow fought dirty, his Hydra training making him stronger than Sam. Rory drew her gun and stepped from behind the desk as Sam sailed past her.

She aimed her sights on Brock, her arms a lot steadier than her insides felt.

"Rumlow! Put your hands where I can see them." Her voice was stronger than she felt, colder, as she channeled her anger and rage into a laser sighted focus to bring him down.

"Couldn't have said something a second earlier?" Sam muttered as he hauled himself up to stand beside her. He was breathing hard, favoring his side but he stood strong beside her anyway.

Rumlow wiped his mouth, the blood painting the back of his hand. He grinned, making more ooze out of the tear on his lip.

"Finally joined us. How's your Pa?" He winked at her and she cocked her gun with a loud click.

"Fine. Hands up. Now," she ordered, a deathly calm flowing through her at the mention of her Pa.

"He's fine because I decided I had more important things to do. I don't want to rush gutting him alive." He slowly raised his hands as he spoke and Rory kept her eyes on the point between his eyebrows. It was a tempting target, one that she knew would end this for good but she couldn't bring herself to pull the trigger.

"Man, shut the hell up," Sam barked from beside her. "I won't stop her if she shoots your sorry ass."

Brock laughed, his hands linking behind his head.

"Oh she won't shoot me. I know she won't. She loves me as much as I love her. You can't fake that kind of intimacy, Cupcake." He winked at her, smirking darkly at her. Her lip curled as he continued. "Besides, she's not that kind of agent, which should have been my first clue." He rolled his eyes but when they met hers again they were colder than they were before.

Of all the enemies she knew she would make by crossing Hydra, he was going to be her worst nightmare. Steve wasn't kidding when he'd called him a raging psychopath.

"I'm going to make you pay for lying to us. I defended you when they said that you weren't one of us. I _defended_ you when they suspected you weren't one of us!" The calmness of his voice slipped as he spoke and his neck and cheeks flushed red with anger. "I _fucking loved you."_ She clenched her jaw to stop herself from backing away from him.

"Never asked you to do that. I never said I loved you, either," she replied calmly. "Falcon, can you cuff him?" She glanced at Sam, who nodded and produced some zipties from a pocket. He'd taken two steps away from her when Brock moved suddenly.

The knife flew toward her before she could fathom what was happening and she ducked to avoid it. It sliced her cheek as it passed and she realized with a jolt that it was the one she'd embedded in his shoulder back down in the control room.

"DUGAN WATCH OUT!" Sam's shout came a moment too late and the wind was knocked out of her as Brock speared her midsection, slamming her into the wall behind.

An uppercut slammed into her jaw so hard that it whipped her head and shoulders around. Her teeth cracked together with such a jarring force that she was sure they would fall out. It stunned her and she had to force herself to take another breath because her lungs seemed to have forgotten how to work.

Sam let out a yell as he dragged Brock off her and it gave her a chance to catch her bearings. Her head felt like it was splitting in two and hot blood streaked her cheek red, but she forced her eyes to open. She watched Sam grapple with Brock for a few, dazed moments before she kicked herself into gear. Pushing off the wall, Rory came in low behind Brock as he threw Sam through a glass desk with a resounding crash.

Her arms locked around Brock's waist, her elbow dug tightly into his hip. She twisted violently to the right but he didn't budge. He bucked hard, trying to dislodge her but she held on for dear life and dug her knee into his hamstring desperately, once, twice until finally she kicked at his heels, throwing her weight down and to the side.

Brock rolled over her, his head giving a satisfying crack as it hit the concrete floor. She scrambled back away from him, watching closely as he got to his feet.

"That was good. You finally got me from behind." He gave a grin and rubbed his head, his fingers coming away red with blood. "You're a waste of talent, Dugan."

"My talent is useful elsewhere," she said stiffly, her fists high in defense. He laughed, the sound cold and low.

"At SHIELD? Yeah, sure. If you say so." He shook his head, giving an eye roll so casual she thought for a moment they were just sparring like they used to… Until he looked at her with cold, dead eyes and a determined set in his jaw and she knew he was out for blood. "You know I have to kill you though, right? You betrayed us and you know exactly what Hydra does to people who don't follow their order." His eyebrow rose as his lips twitched and he shifted forward toward her. "Just know that I will have so much fun killing your family."

Rory's blood ran cold as she realized this was rapidly deteriorating into a kill or be killed situation. If she didn't kill him, he would kill her and then go after her family. Even if miraculously she somehow managed to get away from him, he would keep coming after her until she was dead.

She had to make the choice now.

She sucked in a breath and drew her daggers, the blades making a sickening _schiiiiiick_ as she drew them from their sheaths.

"Ohhhh she's got the big blades out now." Brock's face broke into a grin as she tested their weight in her palms. He taught her how to do this. He knew how she moved, what she was capable of… and it terrified her… But the thought of her family dying because of her mission terrified her more. "Come on then hotshot. Bring it on," Brock urged. "You know, one of the reasons why I loved you, Dugan, was because you weren't afraid of a challenge. I thought: _finally a woman who can keep up with me, by my side, as my partner._ " His eyes narrowed dangerously. "Guess I was wrong. You're just like all the others and like them, I'm going to have to kill you."

She glanced at Sam beside her, who took a step back.

"This is all yours," Sam muttered and she let out a breath. A second ticked past and on her next inhale she launched herself at him, watching with a sick sense of satisfaction as his eyes widened at her unexpected rush.

She aimed low, one blade sweeping up for his face and the other aiming for his side. Brock stepped back, the blade nicking the inside of his arm as he knocked it away. She followed the momentum, her arms out wide like wings as she spun on light feet and brought the second around behind them.

There was a rip as the blade sliced his sleeve and he let out a laugh as he darted away from her.

"Did you forget that I trained you? I know what you're going to do next, Cupcake. You're too easy to read!" He grinned wide and lunged toward her, crowding into her space. She dove forward, instead of away, in a desperate attempt to stab him but he checked her, gripping her wrist tightly. With his hand wrapped firmly around her arm, her tugged her toward him causing her drop her blade. Her other hand came over the top, her blade useless with him so close. He grabbed that wrist too and yanked hard, using Rory's own momentum to send her crashing to the ground.

He let her go and she scrambled to her feet, waiting for his next attack but instead she found him picking up her dropped weapon.

"Now things are really interesting." He grinned, spinning the blade in a uselessly fancy move. "You know, maybe I'll kill your family with this. Seems like a fitting way for them to die."

Rory's breath left her lungs as he spoke and she saw red in her vision.

She charged at him, the clash of the blades barely registering in her ears as they parried. Her arms ached and her lungs felt like they were going to explode but she had to finish him.

As he brought the blade down toward her, she reached for his wrist. Her fingers locked tightly around it as she deflected the blade and brought her own across his torso in a quick and fluid movement that ended with her cracking the hilt into his wrist.

Brock's eyes widened as blood trickled from the slice in his side. It wasn't deep, the protection of his undershirt had stopped it from being too deep, but the fact that she'd gotten a deadly blow in there was enough to throw him off guard.

She yanked hard to the side and kicked his knees, throwing him off balance enough that he went sprawling into the floor.

She stood over him, raising her blade above her to bring down on his chest. He grinned as the seconds turned to hours, goading her, trying to psych her out. How long had they been fighting like this? Surely it was an age? She steeled herself up to drive the blade through his chest.

"Dugan, _NO_!" Sam's voice was tiny and far away but she knew he was standing beside her. His hand was on her shoulder, tugging her hard but she barely moved.

"I have to," Rory said, chest heaving with the weight of what she was about to do. "He'll kill my family, Sam."

"You bet I will. I'll kill you too," Brock snarled and Sam only just managed to hold her back as she moved to kill him.

"We can detain him. Throw him in jail. You can't kill him." Sam tried to put himself between them to stop her.

Her teeth ground together as she hesitated and Brock saw it plain as day. The grin stayed on his face as he started to climb to his feet.

"I knew –"

Brock's gloating was cut short by a deafening explosion that made the three of them turn and look.

"Oh _hell no_."

Suddenly Sam's hand on her shoulder was gripping her tight and yanking her away from the 65 thousand tons of helicarrier that was crashing down around them.

"Son of a –" Brock scrambled after them.

"BROCK!" Rory screamed, turning in Sam's grasp to reach out for him. He was right behind them and he threw himself forward, but the helicarriers were too close. Rory lost sight of him as the cloud of smoke, dust and rubble closed around Brock. She let out a scream and tried to stop to find him, but Sam didn't let her. His hand slid down her arm, locking around her palm in a vice grip as he kept them running through the office.

"PLEASE TELL ME YOU GOT THAT CHOPPER IN THE AIR!" Sam screamed into his coms. They dodged around chairs and desks, climbing over whatever was in their way. Sam slipped and fell, but she tugged him to his feet before he could fall behind.

" _Sam! Where are you!?"_ Natasha's voice came to her faintly, her coms having taken a beating in her fight with Brock.

"41ST FLOOR. NORTHWEST CORNER!" he bellowed, pointing to the window and guiding her toward it. "Hope you're ready to jump, girl." The words barley registered in her brain with all the concrete crashing around her.

" _We're on it, stay where you are."_

"NOT AN OPTION!" Sam and Rory hollered together, their voices being drowned out by the grinding of steel and concrete around them. The window was fast approaching and the fallen helicarrier was getting closer and closer to their heels.

The floor literally fell out from under their feet as they jumped. Rory didn't remember screaming as she fell. She didn't even remember breathing; all she saw as they tumbled through the air were the rotating blades of the chopper directly below her. She closed her eyes as it pulled up short and she and Sam fall through the cabin.

Not into – _through._

Rory did scream as she exploded out of the other side. She heard Sam give a yell as her weight pulled him, his hand still tightly in hers and she hung for a few precarious seconds out of the chopper before he wrenched her back toward him. His arm went around her waist.

"I got you. I got you." Sam's voice was in her ear as her legs dangled from the door and she closed her eyes, burying her face in his neck. He and Natasha pulled her back in and she didn't breathe again until her body was flat against the cabin floor.

"41st FLOOR!" Sam yelled at Fury in the pilots seat as he and Rory sprawled on the floor of the cabin. "41st!"

"It's not like they put the floor number on the outside of the building." Fury deadpanned over his shoulder and Rory fought the strong urge to flip him off. She rested her head back against the floor and Sam's chest and took a few, huge, deep breaths as she looked at the roof. Sam handed her a headset and helped her get it over her ears but neither of them moved.

"Hill! Where's Steve? Have you got a location on Rogers?"

Her eyes flew open as Natasha spoke and she pulled herself toward the door. Her body protested, muscles crying out with protest and her brain rumbling in her skull like fireworks, but she needed to know if Steve was ok.

She scanned the burning wreck of the building, her heart in her throat as they flew overhead.

"Last known location was Helicarrier _Charlie_." Which, Rory realized with a sickening jolt, was the one about to disappear into the middle of the Potomac.

"Fly over, Fury!" she yelled, her voice being drowned out by the noise around them but the helicopter turned anyway, her stomach going with it.

There was nothing to see except flames and billowing black smoke until -

" _THERE_!" Rory screamed, her eyes seeking out the bright blue body falling lifelessly toward the water. "FURY GO!"

"I can't Dugan there's too much smoke. I gotta pull up." Fury tuned the chopper away from the wreckage.

"NO! GO AND GET HIM!" she shrieked desperately, hanging out of the cabin doors as if about to jump. She would have too, if Natahsa hadn't chosen that moment to circle her arms around Rory's ribs and haul her back inside. She watched as Steve hit the water and could then see no more as the chopper circled away.

"We need to get down there. We need to go. We need to –"

"We're landing where it's safe, _sestrenka_. We'll find him," Natasha soothed, but she didn't say whether he would be alive or not.

It seemed like an age until the helicopter landed and then they had no idea where to look. Rory didn't even get a chance to try as Natasha pulled her to a waiting medical unit to be looked at.

"No! I need to go! I need to go and find –"

"Aurora! Stop!" Natasha took her shoulders and shook her, cutting off her panic. Rory looked at her then, really looked at her and saw the same desperate worry reflected in her eyes. "You're bleeding badly from two places on your head. Your eyes are unfocused and you can barely stand. We will find Steve but you need to be seen to."

There was no arguing with the Widow when she used that tone. And she was right. Rory hurt all over, she felt weak and groggy and had used Sam and Natasha as crutches to make it off the chopper.

She sat, defeated, and Natasha nodded to the nurse to start her exam. Everything moved by in a daze. People shouted at each other, each person having a differing opinion on what should be happening but it all sounded so far away.

Rory couldn't keep a thought straight in her head. The nurse explained to her four times that she had a severe concussion before she understood it. She nodded dumbly as the woman turned to Natasha to explain what to do, feeling a sharp buzzing against her ribs.

It took her a minute to work out that it was her phone and she slid it out. It was her SHIELD phone from an unknown number so the first person she thought of was Steve.

" _Steve_!? Hello, Steve?" Rory forced herself to speak and suddenly everything went silent around her. Glancing around, Rory found the eyes of Fury, Natasha, Hill, and Sam on her. She held her breath as she waited for the person to speak.

" _He's under the bridge. West side. He's breathing but barely."_

The voice was thick and Russian and she sucked in a breath as she realized it was the Asset who was calling her, not Steve.

" _Aktiv_?" she replied and Natasha's eyes sharpened as she recognized the Russian word for Asset. " _Asset where are you? Can you stay with him?"_ She switched to clumsy Russian in the hopes that he would keep talking.

There was a long pause; so long that Rory thought he might have hung up…

Then he spoke again.

" _He's under the bridge. I will leave him here. I need to go."_

Then the line did go dead, the disconnected beeping rattling her brain again. Rory swore and threw her phone savagely into the ground.

"Rory what did he say? Did he say where Steve is?" Natasha asked, taking Rory's hands with her shaking ones.

"Under the Roosevelt Bridge. West side. He's barely breathing," she replied and people scrambled into action. Only Natasha stayed and Rory didn't bother trying to follow the rescue team. Her body had given up trying to move for now.

"That was him, wasn't it? The Soldier?" Natasha asked and Rory nodded numbly. "Why did he call you?"

"I don't know. I didn't get to ask."

"Does he remember you?" Natasha's green eyes studied her face as if looking for a lie and Rory recoiled.

"I doubt it. They wiped him. Maybe my number is a residual memory."

"It was your SHIELD phone. How did he even get the number?" Natasha urged and Rory shrugged again, running a frustrated hand over her face and hissing when her fingers ran over her wounds.

"I don't know Nat. I really don't know, ok?" She had nothing else to say. She was beaten up, dazed, and stressed out of her mind that Steve hadn't made it. She wanted to go and find Steve, to know for herself that he was alive but she couldn't. She sank to her knees in the grass and Natasha sat with her. The other woman pulled her into her lap and held her.

"It's over now," Natasha murmured but Rory shook her head.

"It's not. I'm a fugitive. Hydra will hunt me down as soon as they hear what part I played in this," she said softly, resting her head against Natasha's shoulder.

"Welcome to the fugitives club." The Russian's laugh was throaty and dry and Rory let out a snort. There was a pause before Natasha spoke again. "I don't think I've told you yet how proud I am about what you did," Natasha said quietly and Rory looked at her in surprise. Nat laughed. "Seriously. You really showed us what you're made of. Don't tell Steve I'm proud though. We're meant to be furious at you for the shit you've pulled." She smirked and Rory actually laughed at that. "But he's proud of you too. He regrets everything but he is really proud of you."

Rory nodded and closed her eyes, resting her head against Natasha's shoulder again. She had too much to worry about, so much to do. It wouldn't take long for Hydra to figure out what she'd done. She should be running, she should be packing up and getting as far away from everything as she could but she couldn't do that right now. She had some unfinished business with both Steve and a certain Soviet Soldier that she had to take care of first.

"Couldn't have done it without him," she muttered and let out a breath that she felt like she'd been holding for a very long time. She closed her eyes and let the blackness engulf her for a moment. She'd worry about running as soon as she knew Steve was ok.

* * *

Author's Note:

The fight scene between Rory and Steve could not have been possible without the help of my friend, PT, choreographer and favourite badass ever Lani. She can be found over at Heroine for Hire cosplay so go check out her stuff (seriously, she's literally Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel). Leave me Kudos and comments and I'll be back with another chapter next week! Thanks again!

Playlist:

Sand Storm feat. Odalisk - Apashe (this is the fight song track)

Weapon - Bastille, Angel Haze, F*U*G*Z, Braque

Castle - Hasley

Good Girls - Elle King


	9. Misoneism

Metanoia

Chapter 9: Misoneism

* * *

The beeping of the machines and the weird ever-present smell of disinfectant had become normal to Rory as she waited impatiently beside Steve's bed. The room was bleak and stark, and even when there was sun shining in through the window Rory still felt cold. She'd been there from the moment she'd been cleared to leave her own bed, not bothering to hide that she was there. It was no secret that she was there, that Steve was too. Even if she weren't on Hydra's most wanted list, the guards posted along the corridor would be enough of a signal to tip anyone off. Hydra would come for her eventually. She just hoped Steve woke up before they did.

Thanks to the serum in her own blood she'd healed quickly, the cuts and bruises fading to almost nothing. Only the slice on her cheek from her own knife was left to heal, the scab already starting to itch under the butterfly clip holding it closed.

It made no sense for Steve to still be unconscious but Doctor Cho - the same Doctor Cho who had helped her 2 years earlier - explained that Steve's injuries were more serious than anyone could have expected.

"It's like he let himself be beaten up," Doctor Cho muttered on the third day while looking at fresh x-rays. If Steve hadn't been in the bed already, Rory would have put him in it herself. She knew without a doubt that Steve hadn't fought back against The Asset. He wouldn't have wanted to punch his best friend so instead he'd let himself be almost killed. She was so angry with him but she sat and waited anyway.

The days slowly blurred into one. Sam came when he could and sat with her, talking about different things. She discovered that he had stellar taste in music and they set up his music player beside Steve's bed. The noise was a nice distraction, like a bubble of normality. Rory discovered she liked Sam. She was glad he was going to stick with Steve when she was gone.

It was on day four that Hydra came for her. There were people that were trying too hard to blend in to the cafeteria while she was down getting coffee. She'd made sure to disguise herself – a long, platinum blonde wig from Natasha, a bulky hoodie from Sam and her own boots that made her slightly taller – but still her nerves were high as they swept the room.

Calmly she took the coffee from the girl behind the register and went to the condiments table, turning her back to them. She held her breath as she added sugar and cream to the coffees before picking them up again and taking the far exit.

No one followed her but that didn't mean they weren't watching. She dumped the coffee and took the stairwell up to Steve's floor, bursting out of it at the far end of the corridor.

There was no one else on the floor except the people who were supposed to be there and she breathed out in relief. They hadn't made it this far then so she had a small amount of time to gather her stuff and leave.

She slammed the door behind her and Sam looked up from the book he was reading in surprise.

"Where's the –"

"They've found me," she cut him off, and ripping off her wig. She hurried to Steve's side. "I have to go." She placed her hands on Steve's shoulders and shook him lightly. "Wake up, you bastard," Rory pled softly but she knew no amount of swearing would change that he wasn't ready to wake up.

His face was still swollen and bruised, the stitches holding his cheek together still firmly in place. Her throat tightened as a wave of longing and hurt rippled through her and she leant forward, placing a soft kiss on a part of his brow that wasn't a shade of purple, blue or green.

"Where will you go?" Sam asked.

Rory turned to find him holding up her bag and her jacket. "I have one more thing to do in D.C. and then west. Away from here and anyone who might end up as collateral damage," Rory explained as she started shrugging out of his hoodie.

Sam waved his hand and placed it on her shoulder. "Keep it. You don't have much."

He pressed the bag into her hands, emphasizing the lack of weight. Natasha had gotten her what she'd could but there were a second set of clothes in there that didn't leave much room for her own. Add in guns and ammunition and, well, Rory's luxuries had taken a back seat.

"Thanks Sam." She rose up on her toes and pressed her lips to his cheek. "Take care of him for me, would ya?" she requested and he smiled.

"Someone needs to." He chuckled. "Do you know when we'll hear from you?" Concern colored his features and Rory felt overwhelmingly grateful to have him on her side.

"No." She fished a burner phone out of the front pocket of her bag and handed it to him. "The only number programmed into this phone is mine. Nat got them for me so I could keep in contact with you on an untapped line."

"Nokia 3210. Good luck trying to hack this brick," Sam snorted and Rory grinned.

"That's the plan," she agreed and gave one last look at Steve in the hospital bed.

He looked so small and vulnerable, which was crazy for such a big person. She wished he had woken up before she'd had to run but maybe it was for the best. No good would have come from them talking anyway.

"I'll tell him you didn't leave his side," Sam said softly but she shook her head.

"No, don't," she murmured. "Don't mention me at all." She grit her teeth and set her jaw determinedly as she turned away from him, telling herself she wouldn't look back. Sam's brow furrowed in confusion.

"Why? He'll want to know you were here," he said but Rory shook her head again and met his gaze.

"We've both done things to each other that are irreparable, Sam. It's better this way," Rory explained, glancing at the clock. She had to leave but found herself unable to move.

"Nothing in this world is irreparable. Not when you love someone as much as you obviously love him." Sam's voice was gentle but it stung Rory like a whip.

"I used to love him. Past tense. The only thing we have between us now is bad blood and a whole lot of hate." She snorted her tone lacking the coldness she felt and shrugged her bag over her shoulders. "I'll be in touch, ok?"

Sam's mouth was set in a way that she knew he wanted to say something but didn't know if he should. She'd seen the look often from her own older brothers and was strongly reminded of them.

"You're going after him, aren't you?" Sam asked as they walked to the door together.

"His tracker is moving and active. I made a promise to him that I would get him out of this so yeah, I am." She nodded, her hand on the doorknob. Sam sucked in a deep breath.

"Be careful. The guy is a psychopath-" he squeezed her shoulder again gently before he dropped his hand, "-and I know taking down psychopaths is kind of your thing-" Rory smiled at that. "-but please be careful. I get the feeling Steve isn't going to like that I'm letting you go and do this on your own. Anything happens to you, it's on me."

"I'm big girl, Sam. My actions are not on you," Rory assured him and opened the door. She stuck her head around the corner and found the hall the exactly as it had been when she'd gotten up there. "I'll call as soon as I can."

And then she left, slipping from the room and hospital without so much as a backward glance.

She had one more job to do, a person to save. Then she could disappear and keep everyone she loved safe.

* * *

 **Bucky Barnes  
1917-1944**

There it was again. That name along with his face on 7ft tall glass banners in an exhibit about the man he'd almost killed. Captain America. The Asset didn't know why he was here. He had more important things to do than to look at the past. Things like getting the hell out of D.C. and away from the people who wanted to hurt him, but something drew him here.

The name.

Bucky Barnes.

 _Why_?

 _Because that is you._

 _Bucky_

 _Bucky_

 _Bucky_

" _Who the hell is Bucky?"_

He could hear himself ask the question, see the blonde man's confused stare in his memory but it was distant and far away, like an out of focus photograph under dirty glass.

He touched his forehead with shaking fingers. Steve Rogers. He had almost killed Steve Rogers a few days ago. That had been his last mission and he'd failed it. He'd failed it on purpose because somewhere inside him, he knee who that man was.

He looked up again and read the paragraph above his name.

 **Captured by Hydra troops later that fall, Barnes endured long periods of isolation, deprivation and torture, but his will was strong. In ironic twist of fate, his prison camp was liberated by none other than his childhood friend, Steve Rogers, now Captain America.**

" _Buck?"  
"Steve?"  
"Come on."  
"Steve?"  
"I thought you were dead."  
"I thought you were taller." _

His fists clenched as the voices talked in his head. He remembered that happening, remembered the surprise at seeing his scrawny best friend by his side in the middle of a war…

The memory faded after that so he grit his teeth and kept reading.

 **Reunited, Barnes and Rogers led Captain America's newly formed unit, The Howling Commandos.**

 _Rogers  
Barnes  
Dugan  
Jones - _

_Wait, Dugan._

 _Agent? Why Agent? Who is Agent Dugan?  
Rory… Her name is Rory._

 **Bucky's marksmanship was invaluable as Rogers and his team destroyed Hydra bases and disrupted Nazi troop movements throughout the European Theatre.**

The Asset's ears rang. He wanted so badly to believe that this was who he had once been but he just couldn't. It felt like a cosmic joke. Bucky Barnes had been an American hero, best friends with Captain America and all he had ever been was a monster. They were two different things, there was no way he could be him… yet…

He pulled the brim of his cap down over his eyes and turned abruptly away from the exhibit. He needed to get out of there. His heart was racing and his ears were ringing. He felt like people were looking at him.

God, they _were_ looking at him. They knew who he was, who he was pretending to be. He wasn't this man, this 'Bucky Barnes'. He was The Winter Soldier.  
The Asset.  
The Murderer.  
 _The Monster_.

They knew he wasn't their hero and they knew why and they would turn him in and he would be punished for failing his mission and he would be punished for running away. They would freeze him again and it would be another 22 years before he was woken up again.

His only saving grace was they didn't have the book, the red book that held his trigger words. The ones that would make him a complete machine. Without it, he could still make his own choices and thankfully they didn't know that.

Still, the thought of having his brain scrambled again made his heart thunder in his chest as he walked quickly through the museum. He wanted to break into a run, but forced himself not to. That would just draw more attention. He needed to call on his training for everything, even to remember how to breathe, to get out of this alive. He needed to keep calm, collect his things and then he needed to leave the city.

He realized he was being followed as soon as he left the museum. There were four of them, all on foot and they all had the tell tail bulges of heavy weapons under their jackets as they kept their distance and followed him.

Panic burned his throat like a wildfire and he tried to concentrate on where he was as well where they were. He was useless in a fight now. His metal arm had been broken and all it did was hang by his side. His other arm was at a funny angle where his shoulder was dislocated and he couldn't get it back in himself. He was fairly sure he had a couple of broken ribs too. If they came for him now he wouldn't be able to stop them.

The thought made him desperate and blind and soon he was lost in a labyrinth of unfamiliar streets.

A fifth appeared two blocks down, making him take another blind turn.

 _Kill them. Destroy them. You can._

"I can't," he hissed to himself.

The voice in his head demanded blood but he fought it back. He realized too late that he had gone down a dead end alley and was trapped. He heard the orders from the team leader as two approached the alley mouth.

" _He's trapped. Shoot on sight. Make this quick._ "

The asset slung his backpack off his shoulders and reached inside for his gun. His fingers wrapped around the barrel but they were shaking from exertion, hunger… fear. They were here for him. They wanted him and they had him.

He turned as shadows crept down toward him.

He was a cornered animal and every fiber of his being told him to fight. His blood roared so loudly in his ears that he missed the rumble of a car engine and the screech of tires, instead only seeing the two Hydra agents flip and tumble through the air and land on the roof of the car.

The passenger door flew open as they slid to the ground, unmoving.

"Get in!" A woman's voice ordered him and he stared at her warily in shock. He fought the urge to do as she said, watching as she straightened back behind the wheel and looked at him with wide, pleading eyes. "Seriously, get in, we don't have much time!" She beckoned to him and again he wanted to listen. He crept forward to get a better look at her. Maybe he did know her? Maybe it would turn out that he had friends after all.

 _What if it's a trap_?  
 _What if she was Hydra and this is how they capture you?_

The cruel voice in his mind made him stop.

"Come on – oh _fuck_!" A string of curses left her lips as something outside of the alley caught her eye. She was out of the car in an instant, a gun in either hand as she unloaded both clips without hesitation.

She was so focused on what she was doing that she didn't see the man on the floor, one of the one's she had hit, climb to his feet and creep up on her from behind.

A roar of protectiveness went through the Asset's chest and he powered down the alley to stop him. He reached him before he could touch her, tossing the agent to the ground with a sickening thud. Rage fuelled him as he kicked the man viciously, not stopping until his skull cracked like an egg and insides spilled to the concrete.

His shoulders heaved when he stopped kicking and guilt blind-sided him, cutting his chest as blood pooled under the mans skull. He didn't want to kill anymore but he had. He was a monster.

 _This is who you are.  
Not Bucky Barnes.  
A monster._

"Get in the car." The woman's voice cut through the fog in his mind. " _Now._ There'll be more coming." She didn't wait for him to say anything; she just slid back behind the seat and revved the engine.

He looked from the man whose brains were leaking onto the pavement and then back to her, realizing she had saved him. If she was Hydra, she was either getting out or she was a monster like him.

 _Trust her_. _Trust her. Trust her. Trust her. You need to trust her…_

Without thinking about it any longer, he got into the car and slammed the door seconds before she took off.

He pulled his gun and pointed it at her. She glanced at it but didn't say a word; instead she kept her hands on the wheel and her eyes on the road. He studied her side profile, trying so hard to pick whether or not he knew her.

Her hair was short and blonde, but that wasn't natural – he could tell by the dark regrowth at her scalp. Her face was thin and gaunt, the shadows under her eyes betraying many sleepless nights.

She wasn't armed he noted with mild surprised. Her shirt and jeans were both tight fitting and the thigh holster on her left was empty. Her hands stayed on the wheel, not moving except to turn and indicator on or off.

"Who are you?" he asked gruffly after the silence dragged on. She turned to him, her amber eyes wide and bright.

"My name is Rory Dugan," she answered and he frowned.

 _Dugan. Howling Commando…  
Agent?_

"Why are you helping me?" he demanded, his fingers shaking slightly.

"Because I promised you I would," she replied, glancing at him. He frowned as a memory like a grain of sand tickled at his mind, rubbing and rubbing and rubbing until it stung.

"I know you."

It wasn't a question but she nodded anyway.

"You did know me. I was a double agent for SHIELD inside Hydra and I ended up as your handler –"

He growled as the memories hit him like a fright train. They were seated in a car together. She was upset. She trusted him. _"I'm a double agent. Nick Fury is my handler. I work for SHIELD to try and bring Hydra down and we are so close."_ She was the one with kind eyes. She was the one whose touch lingered on his neck at night. She was the one who he heard yelling that wiping him was cruel.

"How do I know this isn't Hydra's plan?" he asked, his eyes narrowing.

"You don't but you trusted me once. You're just going to have to do it again." She shrugged her shoulders, seemingly defeated. "I was a double agent. They're after me as much as they're after you and I promised you that I would help. I intend to do that."

There wasn't a hint of a lie in her voice. He detected fear, anger, pain… but no lies.

" _Why_?" he hissed. He wasn't worth helping or saving. "Why did you promise to help me?"

"Because what they did to you was fucked up and you and I have a lot in common." Her voice was steely and determined and he was sure he'd heard it before.

" _I can get you out of this."_

He closed his eyes and took a breath as her voice echoed in his mind again.

"I gave you the dogtags that have _S._ printed on them," she said slowly. His eyes sprang open. He felt in his pocket for them and pulled them out. "They're a tracker. That's how I knew where you were." _  
_He studied them intently but saw nothing out of the ordinary about them. He'd looked at them every day he'd been away from Hydra. He knew the name printed on them, had almost killed that man. Truthfully he'd gone to the museum today to find out more about him.

No one else knew about those tags. He hadn't even known about them until he'd reached for his gun and they'd wrapped around his fingers.

"I called you," he murmured.

"You did. I don't know how, but you did. Thank you. We saved Steve."

He grunted in response, relaxing his grip on his gun. He let it rest on his leg.

Steve.

Steve Rogers.

The way she said his name hinted that there was more to their connection than she was letting on… maybe that was how he'd known to call her. His brain was still recovering from the latest fry-up and things were disjointed, fragmented.

Neither said anything more as she drove and he watched as the scenery changed from the city to suburbs to greenery. The light faded with the scenery and soon it was too dark to see anything outside of the headlights.

He stole glances at her every now and then. She barely moved except when she had to and if she knew he was looking she never said otherwise. It made him nervous that she wasn't armed. It was either stupidity or confidence that made her think he wouldn't harm her. If she really knew him, she wouldn't be making the stupid decision.

It shocked him when she spoke hours later and his plates whirred as his fist tightened.

"Did you have any idea about what we should do?" she asked and he frowned.

She was asking for his opinion, his input for their escape. No one had ever extended him the courtesy of asking what he wanted to do before –

 _Except for her.  
"What should we do, Asset?"_

"I don't know." He shook his head, his words failing him.

"What was your plan going to be after the Smithsonian?" she asked and he thought for a moment.

"Get out of the city," he said and she nodded.

"Done. After that?"

He had no plan after that which shocked him because clearly they were very much out of the city now. He stayed quiet for a while, thinking hard about what he should do.

"Can I make a suggestion?" she asked and he glanced at her. The dashboard lights illuminated her face and one of her hands was tangled in her hair. She looked relaxed but her mouth betrayed the strain she was really feeling. "There's a motel up ahead according to the map. I think we should bunk there for the night, maybe pick up some supplies in the morning: food, a map, extra clothes… Take this whole 'on the run' thing one day at a time?" she offered and he nodded automatically.

Her suggestion wasn't bad. He had a little bit of cash that he'd pickpocketed from people over the last few days so he could pay for some lodging. It made sense to try and sleep too, watching each other's backs. He couldn't remember the last time he had a proper sleep. He'd spent the last five days hiding out in warehouses and every sound had kept him awake.

"Ok." He nodded and her lips tilted in a smile.

They reached the motel 10 minutes later and they were both relieved to find that the car park was basically empty. There was one car near to the office but that was it. The room lights were off which he hoped meant no one else was staying there.

"I'll be right back," she said as she grabbed some cash from her backpack and opened the door.

"Here," he said and she paused, one foot in the dirt. She turned back and saw that he was holding out some money to her.

"Keep it." She shook her head. "Spend it on supplies," she added when his face darkened. That seemed to satisfy him and he stuffed it back into his pocket.

Rory let out a breath and wandered into the reception. It was empty and she rang the bell a few times. She glanced back at The Asset while she waited.

The 6 hours in the car had been tense and her whole body ached from it. He'd kept the gun on his lap but slowly over time it had become less and less of a threat. She knew he didn't entirely trust her but that was ok, because she didn't entirely trust him. She just had to keep things simple and let him call some shots.

"Well hey there. What's a pretty girl like you doin' out in these parts so late at night?" A voice behind her made her turn and she reached for the knife on her hip.

The man had appeared behind the counter so suddenly; she hadn't even heard him move. Rory let out a breath. He was about 5 feet tall and missing about 6 teeth in the front. He was greasy and smelled a little like stale pizza but he was harmless.

She put on a bright smile.

"Oh, hi there. My fiance and I were just on our way to New York and needed to sleep for the night." Rory made up their story on the spot, tucking some hair over her ear and popping her hip. She may as well go the whole way. Rory leant against the counter. "Ya'll wouldn't happen to have a room for us?" she asked and pouted slightly.

The guy gave her the dopiest grin she'd ever seen.

"I'm sure we could do somethin' for ya," he agreed. "I hear New York City is mighty nice." He looked down at the book in front of him. Rory stole a glance out of the window and found The Asset glowering at them. He nodded to something behind her and she followed his gaze, realizing another man was standing a little out of her line of sight. He was bigger than his friend and his eyes were decidedly more south than they should have been.

She nodded and shifted to her right, her hand still on her knife.

"I have room 38 clean and ready." The small one said and she looked back at him.

" _Great!_." Rory grinned, placing the cash on the counter. "Just one night, please."

"$55, thank ya." He watched her count the money and she handed it to him. "Your name?"

"Dawn Barnes," she replied, taking the key from him.

"There's an ice machine two doors along from your room. Towels and extra sheets are in the closet in the bathroom. Was there anything else I could do ya for?"

"No, thank you," Rory shook her head, just wanting to be out of there.

He smiled. "You have a good night there, Dawn Barnes."

She nodded, forcing herself to turn her back on them. As she exited, she could see The Asset watching them closely.

He slid back into the car as she did.

"What fucking creeps," she muttered, giving a shiver. "We're in room 38."

The room itself was small and tired. The walls looked like they had in the 70s, all wood panelled and waterlogged. The carpet was threadbare and the bed was lumpy but it would do for the night.

She watched for a moment as The Asset stalked around the room, checking every surface and crevice for god knew what. She sat on the bed, holding her backpack on her lap.

"Hey, so what did you want to be called?" Rory asked him, pulling clothes from the front zipper to lay them out on the bed.

"Huh?" he grunted, turning to look at her with a frown.

"I can't exactly call you Asset all the time. It's not a name and I am _not_ your handler," she replied. In the silence of the car, she had been thinking about it and about what she should call him. She'd only ever called him Asset when she'd handled him but this was different. He was no longer The Asset or the Winter Solider. He was his own person, but she didn't want to throw him off guard by calling him _Bucky_. Not when they'd tried to hard to wipe that person from his mind.

"I… don't know," he said a moment later, after deep thought. "I don't have a name."

"Well you used to be James 'Buchanan' Barnes," Rory pointed out. "Your friends called you _Bucky –_ "

"I am _not_ Bucky Barnes. That man is _dead,_ " he snarled suddenly, startling her. "I am a monster. I am _not_ that man!" His hands balled into fists by his sides and she held up her hands.

"Okay... okay hey, easy," she soothed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you, I just… I'm trying to help." This was terrible. She was making it worse. "That person is there somewhere, I know he is. You wouldn't have helped me otherwise." She was met with that frown again and she remembered that he'd been wiped. "When I was your handler, you helped me by disobeying orders…"

"I did…" He said softly, nodding while she spoke.

"You remember?" Rory asked, surprised.

"Sort of." There was a pause before he spoke again. "Can I think about my name?" he asked, sounding unsure of himself and she nodded.

"Of course you can," Rory agreed. She picked up the pile of clothes that she'd pulled out for him. They were Steve's clothes that she'd borrowed because she knew he'd need them. "Why don't you go and take a shower and think about it?" she asked.

He eyes the clothes warily. "Whose are those?"

"Yours."

"They're not mine." He shook his head and she sighed.

"They are now. We'll go tomorrow and buy you things, ok?"

"I don't need things." His voice was sharp and rough and she shrugged, feeling like she was dealing with a teenager.

"Ok well _I_ need things. I figured you might too, but if not, we'll just wash what you have."

His brow furrowed but he said nothing. She let out a small sigh and placed the clothes on a fresh towel before holding them out.

"Listen, you look a mess and frankly you smell." She knew she sounded blunt but she was sore and tired and she just wanted to sleep. "Go and shower, ok?"

It was as if someone had hit a switch and a blank look came over his face. He walked toward her almost robotically and took the pile from her hands. Then he turned and headed for the small bathroom.

She frowned, wondering what on earth had changed his mind but the door slammed shut before she could ask.

The shower turned on half a second later and she let out a breath. She peeled off the shirt and set it on the side table and changed into a set of her own clothes.

The burner phone tumbled out with the clothes and she picked it up, noticing she had two missed calls and some text messages.

Her heart was in her throat as she opened them one at a time, her mind only going to Steve and his recovery.

1 New Message(s)  
04/07/2014  
8:25am  
Burnphone1  
 **S is awake. -Falcon**

1 New Text(s)  
04/07/2014  
11:46am  
Burnphone1  
 **S wants to  
know where  
you are. -Falcon**

1 New Text(s)  
04/07/2014  
13:57pm  
Burnphone1  
 **Have you found  
him? - S**

Rory glanced at the bathroom door and then back at her phone. Had she found him? Well, she'd found _someone_. He was different to how she even remembered him. The Asset she'd been the handler of had been strong and silent but had never been a danger to her. In fact, when she'd been his handler, she'd felt like he trusted her implicitly.

This new Asset was cold, a livewire. He seemed to have anger bubbling below the surface like a wild animal, yet he'd accepted her help and had protected her as well.

But different was still different and she had to adjust to who this person was. She wondered vaguely if he remembered her but figured he didn't. She'd seen him on that machine herself.

Reply: Burnphone1  
05/08/2014  
2:45am  
 **Yes I found him.  
We're at a motel  
6 hours west of DC.  
\- R**

The phone buzzed with a reply almost immediately.

1 New Text(s)  
Bphone1  
05/08/2014  
2:45am  
 **Is he ok?  
Do you need anything?  
-S**

Reply: Bphone1  
05/08/2014  
2:46am  
 **No. We're fine.  
I'll be in touch soon.  
-R**

She sent the message and looked up as the bathroom door opened and a plume of steam erupted. The Asset stood in the doorway, looking around uncertainly with his clothes in his hands. His torso looked red raw like the water had been too hot and he'd burned his skin.

"Fell better?" she asked, smiling.

"Yes. Thank you." The words were sharp but the gratitude was there. He pulled the black shirt over his head, covering his torso. Steve was bigger than him in the shoulder by a small amount but the clothes seemed to fit. That was all that mattered for now. "I… I think I want to be called James," he said in an even softer voice. It took her a minute to figure out what he'd said.

"James." She nodded, smiling wider. "That's perfect. Bucky never went by James. You're the same person, but not."

He nodded, agreeing with her explanation. "Did you know him… me?" James asked and she shook her head.

"I didn't know Bucky Barnes, no… But Steve talked about him… you… a lot. So did my grandparents," Rory explained and he frowned, leaning against the bathroom doorframe.

"Dugan. DumDum?" he asked and she grinned.

"He's my grandfather!" she exclaimed. "Do you remember him?" It would be fantastic if he did. Surprising too… but disappointment soon welled in her stomach when he shook his head.

"No," James said, shaking his head slightly. "I saw him in the museum. He was a Howling Commando," he continued, looking down at his feet. "I don't remember too much from those days."

She stood and walked over to him, her clothes in her hands.

"Hey it's ok. Don't worry about it," she soothed, touching his flesh shoulder as she passed. He hissed and pulled away from her and she recoiled like she'd stung him. "Sorry, I'm so sorry –"

"No. It's not…" He shook his head. "It's nothing," he muttered. James picked up the hoodie she'd brought for him and shoved his arms into it, wincing when his right arm caught.

"Is there something wrong with your arm?" Rory asked and he grunted.

"It's fine." He didn't look at her so she stepped closer to him.

"Are you sure?" she asked. Rory reached out and pushed his shoulder, earning a growl of pain and a sharp glare.

"Don't," he warned and she shrugged.

"Ok, ok." She wouldn't push him. He would heal eventually. "If it's dislocated, I can put it back in for you," Rory said casually as went to the bathroom. She'd placed her clothes on the counter before he appeared in the doorway behind her.

"It won't heal because it's not right," he said in a quiet voice. "Can you…"

"Go lay down," she instructed and he did, getting that rigid look about him as he followed her instruction. She stood beside the bed and took his arm, resting her knee on the mattress. "Promise not to kill me if it hurts?" she asked with a smirk. His eyebrow rose but he said nothing. He sucked in a deep breath and she firmly pulled his arm up until the joint clunked back in with a sickening pop.

Letting out the breath he was holding, James closed his eyes and tugged his arm from her grip. He rotated it a couple of times before he nodded.

"Better," he murmured and sat up. "It'll heal now."

"Any other injuries?" Rory asked lightly and he shook his head as he swung his legs off the bed.

"They healed." He glanced at her. "Thank you. I'm sorry for…" He waved his hand back toward the bathroom and she sat next to him.

"Hey, look it's fine. It's all fine," Rory said softly. "I get that you're stressed and you don't entirely trust me and you're probably feeling a little lost." She nudged him with her elbow. "I won't hold it against you, ok?"

He let out a huff that could have been a laugh and she called that a win. She stood and went to the bathroom, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

She did get it, truly she did. Everything was going to be baby steps from here on in and on top of that, they had to survive. Hopefully he could trust her enough and they could survive together, maybe even turn to her friends for help.

But time was what they needed and time she would give him – she just hoped Hydra did the same.

* * *

Author's note: Took some creative liberties with the Soldier here. If you don't agree with my interpretation feel free to stop reading. Thank you if you continue. Let me know what you think by leaving me a comment and kudos/likes! Thanks again!

Playlist:

Cold Water - Damien Rice

The Price of Punishment - the Warriors

Re-wired - Kasabian

Hollow - Cloudeater

Up in the Air - 30 Seconds to Mars


	10. Impetuous

Metanoia

Chapter 10: Impetuous

* * *

1 New Text(s)  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
8:45am  
 **Where are you?  
-S**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
8:45am  
 **Still in WV at the  
motel. Trying to  
work on a plan.  
I think we  
need NY.  
-R**

1 New Text(s)  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
8:47am  
 **NY? NY is  
what they'll  
expect.  
-S**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
8:47am  
 **His arm isn't  
working right.  
I think we  
need Tony.  
-R**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
8:49am  
 **Do you know  
how to reach him?  
-R**

1 New Text(s)  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
8:50am  
 **(424) – 426 – 8669  
He won't be happy  
to hear from you.**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
8:52am  
 **Tony can take a seat  
with everyone else  
aboard the SS. IHateRory.  
**

1 New Text(s)  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
9:00am  
 **How is he?**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
9:01am  
 **He's finally sleeping.  
But he's angry.  
Distrusting.  
How do you think  
he is?  
I'll keep you updated.  
-R**

1 New Text(s)  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
9:05am  
 **I appreciate that.  
-S**

Rory sighed as she dropped the phone onto her lap and looked at the sleeping Soviet Assassin in the bed. Getting him to just get into bed had been a mission on it's own, not even taking into account the broken lamp from when his metal arm had seized up and he had flung it across the room.

James guessed that water had logged inside it after the damage Steve had caused during the fight. He'd gotten out of bed to try and fix the mechanics of with and when he couldn't do that, it had taken another hour for her to calm him down enough to coax him into trying to sleep.

He'd growled at her for trying that. Had told her he needed to keep watch and that he wasn't tired – yet, his head hadn't been against the pillows for more than 5 minutes and he'd been out like a light.

After sitting down with a trashy magazine and a gun in her lap, she startled when the phone went off on the table next to her. The contact details Sam had sent through were still showing on the screen. Rory didn't know how James would react if she suggested going to see Tony. Hell, she didn't even know if Tony would even help her. Steve had said he wasn't going to be happy to hear from her and she could only assume that was because she had disappeared and he'd been unable to find her.

Rory figured they would stay in the motel for a little longer; they were so far into the backwoods of West Virginia that it was unlikely anyone would come looking any time soon. There was a small town with a Wal-Mart a little over 5 miles away that they could pick up supplies in.

Mentally, she listed all the things they needed for at least a couple of days. Food, clothes, extra ammunition. She wanted to get a box of hair dye, and some scissors too, because if Hydra were going to flash their faces all over the media, she wanted them both to look different.

James stirring on the bed pulled Rory from her thoughts. She sat still as his eyes opened and focused on her, sharp and alert. He inhaled deeply before he sat up and looked around. It had grown light while Rory held her vigil, and there was enough light peaking through the curtains for James to see by.

"Do you remember where you are?" Rory asked and he turned to her, looking her over before his shoulders relaxed.

"Motel. West Virginia," he replied, his throat thick with sleep. Rory felt her shoulders relax. "You are Rory Dugan."

"Good." She cracked her neck and sat forward in her seat. She let him wake up for a few minutes, watching as he swung his legs out of bed and went to the windows to look for unseen enemies.

"Did you have any ideas for what we should do?" Rory asked when he came back to the bed and sat on the end of it. He glanced at her, his eyebrows knitted in surprise.

"You're the boss," he mumbled as looked down at his metal hand. The fingers were curled tight into a ball and he pulled them, one by one to try and open the fist.

"Neither of us are the boss," she disagreed, stretching in her seat. It had been a while since she'd moved as she hadn't wanted to wake him. She felt stiff all over. Standing for a moment, she fell forward onto the lumpy mattress, sighing as she closed her eyes. "I already told you I'm not your handler."

He made a non-committal noise and shook his head. He kept his eyes focused on his fingers, his shoulder bunching with frustration every time something didn't work.

"I was thinking about your arm earlier," she said softly, trying not to startle him out of whatever thought he may have been in. He turned and looked at her over his shoulder, his eyes narrowed. "I know someone who could fix it –"

Instantly his expression changed into a sneer. He closed off, holding his arm against him like he was falling apart. His shoulders hunched over and his lip curled.

"No," he said flatly with a firm shake of his head. "No one else."

"He's a very old friend of mine, from back before I was even a SHIELD agent. I've known him my whole life and he's actually brilliant –"

" _NO_." He turned so fast that she scrambled backward, almost toppling off the bed. "No." He shook his head again before he stalked to the bathroom. The door slammed behind him. She let out a breath.

He didn't emerge again after that so she waited 10 minutes before grabbing her shoes. She gave a small knock on the door.

Rory waited a moment to see if he would respond before calling through the door. "James, I'm going to buy some supplies, Did you want to come with me?"

"No."

His reply was short and muffled and she let out a small sigh. That seemed to be his favorite word all of a sudden. "Ok. I'll be back as soon as I can. Don't go anywhere," she said quietly, knowing he could hear her.

As she exited the room she scanned the empty parking lot, looking for any signs of danger. They were the only people staying at the motel to the lot was clear and she hurried to her car when she was satisfied it was safe. She juust hoped the two guys at reception didn't bother James while she was gone.

The Wal-Mart was five miles away and she didn't anticipate the trip taking her longer then an hour. Grabbing another backpack, she filled it with some more clothes, basic toiletries, some food, and a box of hair dye. Before heading back, she tried to call the number Steve had given her for Tony but it just rang out. There was no way to leave a message either and after calling 4 times she gave up.

Text to:  
(424) – 426 – 8669  
04/08/2014  
10:28am  
 **Stark. It's Aurora.  
I need help.  
Please call  
me. I'm sorry. **

She didn't know if or when she would hear back from Tony but it was better than nothing.

"I bought food," she called out when she opened the door to their room. Everything was as she'd left it, with the exception of a broken coffee table and a very sorry looking Winter Soldier sitting on the end of the bed staring at the pile of rubble. Rory blinked before stepping fully into the room and closing the door.

"What happened?" she asked.

"I tried to straighten my arm. Now it's stuck," he muttered, gesturing to the metal arm that was ramrod straight by his side. He looked up at her with frustrated eyes and she placed the bags on the TV unit. "Your friend." He cleared his throat as the words stuck. "Do you trust him?"

Rory nodded thoughtfully.

"With my life," she replied.

"What's his name?"

"Tony Stark."

James' shoulders stiffened like he'd been electrocuted but he didn't say anything.

"He's a literal genius. Kind of an ass but you get used to that," Rory continued, digging around in the takeout bag for the burger she'd brought for him. She handed it to him still in the wrapped and he took it absently.

"He knows how this… stuff… works?" James asked, gesturing to his arm.

"Yeah. He's some kind of mechanical engineer-slash-chemist-slash-physicist." Rory ripped into her own burger, her stomach singing happily that it was finally getting food. "If he doesn't know how to fix it, someone on his staff will." She nodded firmly.

James was silent for a long time while they both ate.

"Where is he?" he asked finally, balling up the burger wrapper and dropping it back into the bag.

"New York I think," Rory replied and he nodded thoughtfully. "I have to get in contact with him. Steve sent me his number but he didn't answer."

"Steve's ok?" James looked at her in surprise and she nodded.

"He made a full recovery," She promised him gently. "He also wants to know how you're doing. He's worried about you."

James scoffed, his lip curling.

"I almost killed him. Why is he worried about me?" His voice was harsh and low and Rory looked at her hands.

"Because he's still hoping that you'll remember him," she said quietly.

James didn't reply, not for a long time. Rory started unpacking the clothes she bought for them while she waited.

"I do remember him. Flashes of him…" he trailed off.

Rory put down the pile of t-shirts she was packing into his bag to give him her full attention.

"What kind of flashes?" she prompted, not wanting his train of thought to end. He was looking at the broken coffee table on the floor, a frown coloring his features as he thought hard. His brow and mouth were pulled into harsh lines.

"Just things. Snippets of a conversation or a flash of us doing something," he explained, his chest rising and falling as he took a deep breath. His fist was bunched on his knee and he closed his eyes tightly. "How… how do you know him?" he asked, his jaw clenching tightly.

He was overwhelmed, she realized. His memories were coming back like a trickle that would turn into a thunderstorm. It couldn't be easy for him to have all of this in his head.

"Steve and I were good friends a long time ago," she murmured. "We went through a lot." Absently she stroked the scar on her throat, feeling the slight raise of the puckered skin.

"What happened?" he asked softly.

She looked over to find him watching her. She swallowed, dropping her hand and knowing he wasn't talking about Steve anymore.

"I was kidnapped by Hydra two years ago. I was taken and tortured and used to try and break Steve into submission."

Rory gave him the short of the long side of things. It wasn't the time to go detailing too much of her history with Steve. She didn't need to overcomplicate things.

"Hydra," he said flatly.

Rory nodded, the edge of her mouth quirking up. "It was revenge for something my grandfather did in the 70s. But I survived, the guys is dead, thanks to Steve, and I went undercover so I could prove that I wasn't going to be damaged by them."

Looking away, she stood and grabbed the bottle of hair dye from the bag held it in her hands. The box proclaimed it to be a chocolate brown. It looked nice. She didn't want to dwell on her past. She didn't want to dwell on what had led her to this point in time. She didn't even want to tell James that her history with Steve extended further than 'friends'. She could feel James looking at her but she didn't want to see what his expression entailed. She didn't want his pity or his surprise. She just wanted him to trust her.

"I'm sorry that happened to you."

"Not as sorry as I am for what they did to you," she said quietly, her throat feeling tight.

Rory turned on her heel abruptly and disappeared into the bathroom.

* * *

Text to:  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:11pm  
 **Still in WV.  
Waiting to hear  
from Tony?**

1 New Text(s)  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:11pm  
 **Ok. I'll  
contact him.  
Do you need  
anything?**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:11pm  
 **No. We're fine.  
Thanks. **

1 New Text(s)  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:25pm  
 **How is he?**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:30pm  
 **Ok. His arm is  
frustrating  
him. He's also  
on edge, but  
so am I.. So I guess  
we're managing?**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:31pm  
 **Be careful.**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:33pm  
 **Yes sir,  
Captain Sir.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:32pm  
 **Sorry. I don't  
mean to boss  
you around.**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:35pm  
 **Just comes  
naturally, I know.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:35pm  
 **I'm just worried  
about him.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:36pm  
 **and you.**

Reply: Bphone1  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:36pm  
 **That's sweet and  
all but I'm a  
big girl.  
I'm fine.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:37pm  
 **That isn't  
what I meant but  
good to see  
your attitude  
is still great**

Reply: Bphone1  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:38pm  
 **…who the hell  
taught you how  
to emoji?**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:40pm  
 **Natasha.**

Reply: Bphone1  
Bphone1  
04/08/2014  
19:42pm  
 **She needs to stop.**

* * *

Text to:  
Bphone1  
04/09/2014  
8:00am  
 **No word from Stark.  
Heading to NY  
anyway.**

1 New Text(s)  
Bphone1  
04/09/2014  
8:11am  
 **Wait. Why?  
What will you  
do when  
you get there?**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/09/2014  
8:12am  
 **I don't know?  
ambush him  
in his own  
home?**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/09/2014  
8:15am  
 **That… doesn't  
sound like a  
good plan.**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/09/2014  
8:17am  
 **Oh I'm sorry  
did you have  
something better?**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/09/2014  
8:19am  
 **Maybe stay  
where you are?  
Wait for Tony  
to call?  
I'll call him now.**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/09/2014  
8:21am  
 **We can't stay  
here. James is  
getting nervous.  
So am I. The news  
has a rolling loop  
of his face. The guys  
who run this  
place are gonna  
know.**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/09/2014  
8:22am  
 **Especially  
the big one.  
If I catch him  
looking at my ass  
again, I'm gonna  
kick his ass.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/09/2014  
8:24am  
 **Don't do that.  
Then you will  
have to move.  
Also, if he's  
looking at  
your ass, then  
he isn't looking  
at your face.  
Trust me…**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/09/2014  
8:24am  
 **Oh fuck you.  
That isn't funny.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/09/2014  
8:30am **  
Ok, ok I'm  
sorry. I just  
think you should  
hold off on NY for  
the minute.**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/09/2014  
8:31am  
 **Too late.  
We're already  
driving. **

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/09/2014  
8:31am **  
I'll call Tony.**

* * *

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/10/2014  
22:41pm **  
Where are you?**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/10/2014  
22:55pm **  
Trenton  
NJ. Took  
the long way.  
Still no word  
from Stark.  
Exactly how  
much does he  
hate me?**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/10/2014  
22:55pm **  
More than I  
thought.  
**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/10/2014  
23:00pm  
 **Fuck.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/10/2014  
23:05pm **  
I'm going to  
head for NY  
in the morning.  
Stay in Trenton.  
I'll talk to him.  
**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/10/2014  
23:07pm  
 **He is such  
a fucking  
asshole.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/10/2014  
23:10pm **  
Hey, no. He's  
not.  
You left, Aurora.  
You left and  
told no one.  
He's hurt and angry.  
We all are.**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/10/2014  
23:30pm  
 **He's being dramatic.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/10/2014  
23:31pm  
 **No more than  
you.  
I'll call you soon.  
Are you ok in  
Trenton?**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/10/2014  
23:33pm  
 **We're fine.  
Thanks.**

* * *

Text to:  
Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
7:00am  
 **Question:  
Does Arthur still  
live in NY?**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:31am **  
Arthur? He joined  
MI6 shortly after  
you left. I honestly  
don't know if  
the apartment  
still belongs  
to him.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:31am **  
Wait. Why?**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:31am  
 **No reason.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:31am  
 **Are you seriously  
in the city already?**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:31am  
 **Yup.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:32am **  
What the hell?!  
Why? We decided  
you'd stay in Tenton  
til I talked to  
Stark.**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:33am  
 **No. You** **decided  
that James and I  
would stay  
in Trenton.  
I did not.  
We're fine.**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:35am  
 **For the record?  
This place is still  
Arthurs. Key still  
works and there're  
pictures of all  
of us on the fridge.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:40am  
 **AURORA!  
**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:40am  
 **HYDRA COULD BE  
WATCHING**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:40am  
 **Answer your  
phone!**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:45am  
 **Message Not Received.  
Receiver is a  
moron.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:47am  
 **That's not funny.**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:50am  
 **Not trying to be.  
You must think  
I am one if you  
believe I wouldn't  
sit and stake this  
place out.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:53am  
 **I don't think  
you're a moron.  
I just worry about  
you.**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:53am  
 **and James.  
Why James btw?**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:55am **  
It's what he prefers to  
be called. I couldn't  
exactly call him  
'asset' could I?**

1 New Text(s):  
Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:58am  
 **Of course not…  
What about Bucky?**

Reply: Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
8:59  
 **At the moment they're  
different people. It makes  
him uncomfortable. **

Reply: Bphone1  
04/11/2014  
9:00am  
 **Look, we're safe  
at Arthur's.  
Don't worry  
about talking to  
Tony for me.  
I'll handle it  
myself.**

* * *

"I don't know what you remember about Steve," Rory groaned as she dropped the phone to the coffee table, "But sometimes he can be a giant pain in the ass."

She knew that Steve was trying to help James but she couldn't help but feel like he was pushing against her at every turn. Trying to keep him updated with their whereabouts had turned into her feeling like she was doing the wrong thing. She didn't need him to handle Tony for her and she didn't need him telling her how to do her job. Arthur's apartment was safe. According to Arthur's neighbor, Mrs Reynolds, he had packed up and left just after she had and hadn't been back since. But it had never been sold, which was a good thing. It meant that he might come back one day.

"I remember him having a stubborn streak a mile long," James replied from where he stood at the window and she laughed.

"You're not wrong there," she replied.

Rory looked around the apartment, taking note of the things that were still the same. Being there reminded her about how much she missed Arthur. She'd never called him after he helped her make the decision to leave. He really had never reneged on his promise not to tell anyone where she was going. She felt guilty that she'd made him lie to everyone.

"So what is our plan, exactly?" James asked

Rory glanced up to see him running his hand over his now short hair, as if expecting it to be falling in his eyes. It hadn't been easy to convince him to cut it but he'd relented when a radio station in Trenton had described him as having long hair. She'd changed her own hair days earlier in West Virginia, the chocolate brown on the box actually turning out to be a deep red that wasn't too far from her own natural color. Rory wasn't too sure how to feel about.

"We need to go to Stark Tower. Tony can't turn me away if I literally turn up on his doorstep," she replied, knowing it wasn't the best of ideas but it was the only one she had right now.

"I guess not," he agreed uncertainly. "I thought you said you were friends?"

Rory nodded. "We are. Were. Hopefully still. He's just…mad at me because when I left I made sure he'd never be able to find me," she explained. "He was the one person who could have done it."

James' frowned at that.

"But why?" he asked. He folded his arms across his chest, his metal one jerky and stiff.

"Because I needed to get away and do what I needed to do," she said softly. "I felt like I had a lot to prove…"

"And did you prove it?"

"Well I'm still alive." She laughed softly. "I helped bring Hydra down and I'm currently working on rehabilitating their biggest, baddest weapon." She grinned, feeling triumphant when his lips lifted in a half smile. "I'd say I proved it enough to retire from this life when I can."

Moving to stand next to him, Rory looked out over the New York skyline where Stark Tower stood in the distance at the end of Central Park.

"So what was your plan then?" she asked, knowing he'd been thinking and rethinking what their next course of action should be.

"Stark Tower is about 2 miles away," James said, nodding to the building. "It would be better for us to stick to the streets, not the park. Too many people in the park."

Rory agreed with that. Even though they looked different, there was no reason to tempt fate. They moved off by silent agreement, Rory heading to grab their backpacks, James to check on their weapons.

Without any warning, the door exploded inwards and armed men were opening fire into the apartment, shattering the silence.

" _Kill the Asset, grab the girl_."

The words rang around Rory's head as she dove for cover. Her guns were sitting useless on the table but thankfully James had grabbed his. There were her daggers tucked into her jeans, but the men were armed with rifles and the old saying of bringing a knife to a firefight usually had some truth.

 _Usually_.

She looked around for James and found him moving like a dark shadow, the close quarters working in his favor. A noise to her left made her jerk around and she rolled out of the way just as a man opened fire. Springing to her fee, she used the coffee table as leverage and leaped high, bringing her knees down hard into his torso.

His legs buckled beneath him and he hit the ground with a crunch. Viciously, she drove her blades into his neck, the hot blood spilling over her hands, soaking into the white Hydra insignia on his chest. She wasted no time in marveling at the ironic symbolism of the color change as she sprang to her feet and rounded on a second man.

As he swung his rifle around to face her, she grabbed the barrel and slammed it back into his face before he could even blink. His nose crunched beneath her hand, blood spurting out of it like a tap. Keeping hold of the gun, she twisted it out of his grip, turning it on him in the blink of an eye. The short burst of automatic fire made the man drop to the floor like a puppet without its strings, his body dancing as he fell.

With her finger off the trigger she realized the apartment was silent and she turned to find James looking at her with an expression of impressed amazement.

"We need to get out of here." He dropped the gun to the floor. "They'll have more coming. This wasn't all of them."

Rory wasn't so sure. Something was niggling at her, a hunch that this might not have been Hydra. The numbers were too few and their orders had been to get her, not James…

She looked around at Arthur's destroyed apartment sadly. Bullet holes covered almost every wall and blood seeped into the floorboards. She couldn't work out how they'd found her and she didn't want to, not until they were safe at least.

Picking up the burner phone, she dialed Steve's number as James gathered their things, his back to her. His shoulders were bunched and closed off and Rory knew this was her fault. She'd brought them to New York even though Steve had told her it would be a bad idea. She'd done it to spite Steve and she'd hurt James instead. She had to fix what she'd inflicted on him and she would, with time. She had to get them out of this first.

" _Aurora? What's going on?"_

Steve's voice was worried when he picked up and she let out a breath.

"They found us. We need somewhere to go," she said, looking at the bodies on the floor.

Five in total. Not enough for Hydra. She stooped down and knocked the helmet off the one closest to her. Frowning, she tilted her head. His face was familiar, but it was hard to tell with his nose all broken and his cheek caved in. James had done a good job beating him to a pulp.

Steve's reply started with a string of curses that impressed even her and she let out a snort.

" _Can you stay there? We can be there in 5 minutes…"_

"Only five attacked which means more are coming. I can already hear police so I don't think we have 5 minutes." She shook her head, straightening up again.

Movement caught her eye and she missed whatever Steve said next as she stared at it. Seconds ticked by sluggishly as her brain registered the gun lifting and the agent taking aim at James' turned back.

She choked on the air she inhaled, her voice coming out cracked and broken. "JAMES, GET DOWN!" Rory bellowed, diving toward him as the shot rang out.

Pain ricocheted around her chest and she fell forward, the impact of the bullet pitching her into James arms. She looked down at her chest as James' eyes widened, watching as a blood rose bloomed on her chest.

"Steve…" she breathed as her vision swam and her knees buckled.

Dimly, she heard James fire two more shots and then his arms were around her body and she was falling. The phone clattered to the floor, the sound of Steve's frantic yelling accompanying her into blackness.

* * *

Even James felt the force of the bullet as it entered her chest and sent her sprawling into him. It took him a second to realize that she'd jumped into the line of fire for him and when he did he let out a snarl of rage and executed the agent with the remainder of his clip, one arm still around the girl against his chest.

She gasped and opened her eyes, shuddering as pain ripped through her body. He dropped his gun to hold her properly.

"Why did you do that?" he demanded, his eyes blazing but she just gave a shaky laugh in response.

"Because I promised to protect you," she replied, her voice barely a whisper. "Steve…"

Rory tried to lift her head off his arm but she failed. James looked around for the phone, falling backward from the weight of her and what she'd done for him.

She'd taken the bullet for him. She could have just yelled out to him, warned him it was coming but instead she'd put herself between it and him and had taken it for him.

Her promise had been to help him, to save him, but he hadn't realized that meant at her own expense.

The phone speaker was buzzing when he put it to his ear. A familiar voice demanded that she talk to him; a familiar voice ordered someone else on the other end of the line to drive faster; a familiar voice tried to hold panic in but failed miserably.

"Captain America," James said hesitantly, not knowing what else to call the man. Steve seemed to friendly, Captain Rogers too formal. Even so, Captain America still felt wrong.

The line went quiet for a beat.

" _Buck – James_ ," he corrected quickly. " _James what's happened? Where's Aurora?"_

"She's…" The girl in his arms gave a cough and he looked down at her. The blood rose on her chest was blooming bigger and bigger and he lifted her shirt to see. "She's been shot. 9mm. Hollow point." He relayed the information on autopilot, calling upon his years of in field triage experience. "It's on the right but it's bleeding steadily. I can slow it but I don't think I can stop it."

" _We're two minutes out, will she hold on?"_

"She better," he growled, shaking her. A smile touched her lips and her fingers squeezed his flesh and bone arm. " _You aren't allowed to leave me_ ," he murmured, his tongue slipping into Russian for the moment.

" _I promise, I promise_ ," Rory replied weakly, her Russian slightly sloppy but he forgave her.

" _Almost there,"_ Steve barked and then the line went dead.

James dropped the phone and lowered Rory to the floor so he could put pressure on the wound. She cried out at the sudden pain and he muttered apologies to her.

"They're on their way," he said. "You doing ok?"

"I've been better but I've had worse," she replied through her teeth.

He gave a huff that was somewhere between a laugh and a scoff but he was glad she was still conscious. Conscious was a good thing.

Time crawled by but by the time he heard someone in the hall outside the apartment he'd slowed the bleeding as much as he could. He raised his gun, adrenalin rushing through his veins fast enough to make his hand shake. Blood pounded in his ears, deafening him, as Steve Rogers stepped into the room.

He was dressed like a civvie, in jeans and a sweatshirt with a baseball cap over his hair. He looked around, his shield raised before him before he focused on James and his hands flew up to his head.

"Hey, I'm not armed," he said quickly, slinging the shield onto his back.

His eyes filled with pain and sorrow as they went to the girl on James' lap.

"Aurora…" he called out.

The tone in his voice cut even James to the bone. Longing and pain stood out on his face but he didn't move to her. He stood rooted to the spot and just stared with an expression James knew too well. There were memories there. Bad ones and they were killing him with each passing second.

"I'm good," Rory smiled weakly.

Steve's expression didn't change. Her fingers curled around James' arm and he lowered his gun, knowing that the man wouldn't hurt them. He shifted his arms under Rory's body.

"This might sting," he muttered in her ear and he heard her take a deep breath.

He lifted her as smooth as he could and he heard her teeth grind together. She was so pale and getting colder by the second and it terrified him more than anything he could remember in his life.

"Show me where to go," he demanded of Steve and the Captain reluctantly moved into the hall.

"This way." The reply came over Steve's shoulder and James followed the red, white and blue shield down the stairwell, trying very hard not to jostle the girl too much.

Never in his unnaturally long life had time moved so slowly. Then again, he couldn't remember the last time he felt so much pain and worry for someone other than himself so this was a new experience for him. A medium height, dark haired man in an expensive looking suit stood behind the SUV and James slowed warily.

"Oh fucking hell, kid," he muttered when his eyes landed on Aurora. He met James' gaze. "You better get her in the car." He opened the door.

On shaking legs, James followed the orders realizing this must be the Tony Stark that he was supposed to be meeting. He slid into the car and arranged Rory on his lap. Her face was the color of ash but she was breathing. The blood had slowed but she didn't look great and her shirt was soaked through, front and back. Her fingers were still tightly curled around the arm of his hoodie and he replaced the fabric with his own hand. The chill of her fingers scared him more.

The engine started and doors slammed but he kept his eyes focused on her fingers around his.

"How's she doing?" Steve asked.

"I'm not dead."

She rolled her eyes, her voice weaker than it should have been.

"You damn well could be!" Steve snapped. "What the _hell_ were you thinking, Aurora?" Steve turned his 6'5 frame around in the front seat to glare daggers at her.

"That James' couldn't see what I could?"

James frowned. "So your first thought was jump in front of the gun?" he asked, squeezing her fingers.

"Obviously I was aiming to get _you_ out of the way," she muttered, closing her eyes.

He clenched his jaw.

"You _fucking idiot_ ," Steve snapped.

The venom in Steve's vice surprised him and it must have stung her because she turned her head away, pressing it into James' shoulder.

"I _told_ you that New York wasn't safe and that I would work on Tony! I said I would handle it!"

"And I said I didn't need your help!" Rory shot back, her eyes flying open.

James looked between the two. The anger in her eyes almost matched Steve's and he could imagine that if she wasn't bleeding out in his lap that she would be a deadly opponent to the Captain.

"Clearly that was wrong," Steve huffed coldly.

"Of get off your self righteous high horse, Rogers," she barked hoarsely. She gave a cough and then she stopped breathing, her eyes squeezing tightly closed. "We staked the place out for _hours_ before I checked to see how long it had been since Arthur had lived there," she bit out a second later. "I made an educated guess that that apartment would be low priority for them, ok?"

James could feel her body shuddering and her fingers tightened on his so much that it actually hurt.

"You were still wrong and you put _my_ friend in danger because of it," Steve sneered and something protective in James' flared.

The girl was injured and hurt and she'd made a mistake, which she was paying for in blood. Steve was being unfair.

"Yes, she was," James agreed and three pair of eyes looked at him in surprise. "But we've all been wrong. She did what she thought was right so I suggest you back the hell off."

Steve's blue eyes were wide with surprise and Tony, who had been quiet up until this point, let out a low whistle.

"That's a game changer," he muttered.

Steve said nothing more as he turned in his seat to face away from them.

James had tried to kill the men, but found he didn't want to. Killing wasn't something he wanted to do anymore, now that he had a choice; but he wished he had. If he'd killed the man when he had the chance, she wouldn't be bleeding out in his arms.

Every nerve in James' body was on high alert. He wasn't sure why he stuck up for her. He _had_ put them in a dangerous situation even though she'd followed procedure to the letter. Her educated guess hadn't been a dumb one. Two years was a long time for an apartment to be empty and Hydra probably shouldn't have thought to look there…

The thing that she was forgetting though was that those men hadn't come for him – they'd come for her. James had heard the orders loud and clear when the door had opened: _Kill the Asset, get the girl._

Hydra, the actual organization, wouldn't want him dead. He knew too much and he was too valuable to them if they could wipe him again or call upon his trigger words. But these men hadn't been big guns, nor had there been enough of them. These men were something separate from him but definitely there for her.

When they got to Stark Tower, everything happened all at once - one moment he was in the SUV, the next an elevator… then a medical wing and he was placing her on a gurney and then she was gone, and he was left standing in front of a door, covered in her blood. He felt a little lost without her, fearful that now she wasn't with him they would catch him and lock him up.

"James?"

That familiar voice sounded like it was miles away, but he knew Steve was standing right behind him, like a tangible memory just waiting to come forth.

He turned, looking the man up and down warily. Was he mad at him? He'd put him in his place in the car but now it was just the two of them… Would Steve take out whatever anger he held on him?

They were face to face for the first time since they'd almost beaten each other to death and James had no idea what to say. He had no idea what Steve wanted him to say but he knew whatever it was wouldn't be possible.

"We should get you cleaned up, pal," Steve said softly, nodding down a corridor. He held up a backpack that James recognized as his. "There's a room for you, if you want."

"I don't remember you." The words tumbled from his mouth before he could stop them and Steve's eyes widened in surprise. "I mean, I do but I don't. It's… I'm not him. I'm not –" _who you want me to be._

Steve held up a hand to cut him off.

"It's ok. I understand. Aurora already told me," he said with a nod. "C'mon, you need to clean up."

Steve turned his back on James and started walking down the hall. James watched him warily, the shield a bright target of red, white and blue, but he glanced back at the door Rory had disappeared behind one more time. He didn't want to leave her even though he knew she trusted these people.

"She's gonna be in there a while," Steve called out. "I promise I'll take you to her as soon as they're done."

Reluctantly James agreed and he made himself follow Steve.

The room Steve showed him was nice. Kind of like a hotel room, not that James had ever stayed in one. But he'd been in them. There was a bed, a small TV and a sofa, and a window that overlooked the city. They must have been 80 stories high.

"Bathroom's in there. Towels are in the cupboard. I'm just down the hall when you're done but you can get Jarvis to let me know," Steve explained as he placed the bag on the bed. He folded his arms across his massive chest and cleared his throat. "I, uh, wanted to thank you for helping her…"

"She saved me." James shook his head, cutting off Steve's gratitude. "She jumped in front of that gun. I didn't even know the guy was alive."

A flicker of irritation crossed Steve's face and he loosed a breath.

" _Goddamn, reckless…_ " Steve muttered through his teeth. "Thank you anyway. Aurora isn't always great at letting people help her."

"She didn't really have a choice this time," James responded flatly, without missing a beat.

Something shone behind Steve's eyes but the man turned before Bucky could interpret it.

"No, I guess not," he said softly.

He turned away but James still felt like he had to defend Aurora.

"Those men weren't there for me," he said and Steve paused.

"What?" Steve turned and frowned and James took a step back.

He cleared his throat. "When they ambushed us, their orders were _Kill the asset, get the girl,_ " he explained. "Hydra, the real Hydra, wouldn't want me dead."

Steve looked like he'd been slapped.

"No. They wouldn't," he said slowly. "But I saw the insignia on their clothes."

"So did I but there weren't enough of them," James argued gently. "I think that building _was_ safe but there is someone who has it out specifically for her. She didn't put us in any more danger than we already have been while getting out of D.C."

A tired look crossed Steve's face and he ran a hand through his hair.

"Do you know of anyone who –" he cut himself off as James' shoulders went rigid. "Sorry. That was… I shouldn't have –"

"It's ok." James cut off the apology with a wave of his hand. "I'm… remembering things. Pierce never wiped me properly so memories are there they just take… time?" He shrugged.

Steve nodded.

"Time. Got it," he said.

James couldn't get a read on what he felt.

With a deep breath Steve turned for the door.

"Take your time. I'll be across the hall."

James nodded as Steve left the room.

Finally he was alone and he could sit. His chest felt tight and his head ached. He'd anticipated meeting Steve being harder, but he supposed that having a dying girl in his arms was slightly more urgent than whatever history lay between them.

He hadn't lied to Steve. He didn't remember him like Steve wanted him to. He remember fragments, flashes of another life. Half of them he wasn't sure if they were real or made up.

He supposed they would come back with time – they usually always came back with time, it's why they hadn't used him since 91' – but they never came back the same. He just had to take very day as it came and hope for the best.

* * *

Author's Note:

I really hope you're enjoying this as much as I am writing it. Please drop me a message or a review. I do like hearing feedback! Thanks again and will have another one out in a week!

Playlist:

Weapon of Choice - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Sunburn - Muse

Ashamed - Muse


	11. Lalochezia

Metanoia

Chapter 11: Lalochezia

* * *

They looked like their old selves again. Aurora, with her hair that beautiful, burnt red and Bucky – no, _James_ , with his hair short like it had been when they were kids. Steve didn't know what to think as he looked at them both in the room on the medical floor.

He couldn't make his feet move to go and talk to them. He was still so angry with Aurora and he had no idea what to say to James. His old friend didn't remember him, not the way Steve wanted him to. That hurt more than he was expecting.. Everything was in such disarray that he had no idea where to start. It overwhelmed him more than life had when he'd first woken up.

He didn't know what to focus on first – the fact that James was here, that he was furious to the point of wanting to kill Aurora or that now, someone might be after her… again.

It had been his nightmare come to life when he walked into Arthur's apartment and found her bleeding and almost lifeless in James' arms. Especially with her hair the red he loved so much. He'd been so scared to see it happening all over again that he hadn't been able to do anything. He was glad that James had silently refused to let her go because Steve hadn't been sure if he would have been able to carry her down the stairs.

"Are you going to go in?" Sam said from behind him, making Steve jump a mile. He hadn't heard anyone approach; he'd been so lost in thought. He turned to his friend.

"Maybe," he replied with a shrug. "But then again maybe not. Can't guarantee I'd be nice to her." He narrowed his gaze, ignoring Sam's rolling eyes. "Any word on ID-ing the guys in the apartment?" he asked, picking something to focus on that wasn't Aurora. He'd put Sam in charge of the investigation, mostly because he couldn't focus on much at the present time but also because he'd been so shocked at how much damage they'd done taking the Hydra agents out.

"Yeah, 4 confirmed dead and one guy is still alive. We picked him up and we're holding him but you're probably not going to like who he is…" Sam held a stack of papers in his hands and offered them to Steve.

Steve frowned as he flicked through them.

"These are all –"

"STRIKE team members, yeah." Sam nodded. "Specifically Rumlow's team."

Steve sucked in a breath and glanced at Aurora. How close had she been to Rumlow for his team to come looking for her?

"Is he – "

"Not the one alive, no. I am 100% sure I saw Rumlow die when the Trisk went down. I pulled her back from getting crushed trying to save him." Sam nodded towards Aurora. "Rollins' is who we have. He's unconscious, took some serious hits to the chest and head but none of them kill shots."

"Rollins was Rumlow's second in command," Steve murmured, his brow furrowed in concentration.

"He was, yeah. There have been no other sightings of Hydra in New York in the last week. I think James might be right to say that this was an isolated attack… someone is after Rory, probably for double crossing them." Sam spoke as Steve's brain whirred at a hundred miles an hour.

The only person who would want revenge like that would be Brock Rumlow. From what he'd heard from Sam, the things Rumlow was saying during their final fight suggested he and Rory were more than just some fun. How deep into her cover had she gotten with him?

"You're sure Rumlow is dead?" he asked and Sam nodded.

"I saw him go under the rubble myself but I'll see what I can dig up," Sam replied.

Steve handed the stack of papers back to Sam. He turned away from the room, only to be stopped by Sam. "You're not going in?"

"I can see she's fine," he replied stiffly, shaking off Sam's hand. His friend let it slip off and Steve walked away. He had nothing to say to Aurora that he hadn't already said.

* * *

"We're not a halfway house for runaways or brainwashed crazy people, Dugan!" Tony Stark's voice announced his arrival as the doors to Rory's room on the medical floor opened with a hydraulic hiss.

James was on his feet in a half second, his shoulders bunched and ready for an attack, but she reached out and grabbed his wrist before he could reach for a weapon.

"It's alright, James," she said softly, leaning around James' frame to glare at Tony. "Haven't you ever heard about knocking, Stark?" she asked, glaring daggers at the man. Tony stopped at the foot of her bed, his expression matching her own.

"You generally don't need to knock if your name is on the building." Tony shrugged flippantly and she scowled.

Rory rolled her eyes and rested back on her pillows, her chest and shoulder giving a painful throb. Willing the pain to subside, Rory closed her eyes and clenched her jaw.

"Yeah, ok. Hello to you to, Tony," she sighed sarcastically. James took a few steps back but still watched Tony warily, his eyes never leaving the on the man.

"Oh no. No, no, hell no. You do not get to make me feel bad for not being _nice_ to you." Tony's tone was cold when he spoke next and Rory's eyes flew open. She met his gaze again, her stomach flinching from the guilt his expression provided. " _You_ disappeared, Aurora. Literally. For two god damned years. Do you know what that _does_ to a person?"

"Ah, no. I think I have a pretty good idea –"

"You can't possibly know what it's like because it's never happened to you," Tony hissed and she fell silent. "I couldn't find you at all and believe me, I ran myselfinto the ground trying."

"I didn't ask you to do that, Tony," Rory replied, sighing and pinching her brow. Tony gave a cold laugh, one that cut her to the core.

"No. _You_ didn't." Venom spit at her and she shifted on the bed, feeling like she needed to run. "But do you know who did? Your grandparents asked me to find you. Your sister asked me to find you. Your brothers, their fucking kids, _Steve;_ for Christ's sake. Have you ever seen a 6'3 lump of muscle dissolve into tears on your floor because his fiancé couldn't be found?" She didn't reply as her eyes stung. "Hmm? No? Didn't fucking think so, kid."

This was why he'd been avoiding her; he had nothing but anger left. She half wished that he would give her the silent treatment like Steve, but that was no better than being yelled at. It was probably best he got it all out at once.

She honestly had no idea what to say and she took a number of deep breaths through her nose. The weight of what she'd done to her family and friends shook her whole body It was like an iceberg and the further under the water she got, the more mammoth it became.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Tony waved a hand, dismissing her. Instead, his gaze landed on James and he sized him up.

"So this is the big bad Winter Soldier that beat the snot out of Steve, huh?" he asked, the angry tone dropping from his voice. James lifted his chin, his eyes following every move Tony was making.

The billionaire let out a soft sigh and rolled his eyes.

"Oh drop the guard dog act, fido." He shook his head. "Rogers said you needed my help so here I am, extending it."

"This is you, offering _help_?" James asked, disbelief coloring his tone as he glanced at Aurora for guidance. Tony smirked.

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth," he replied. "I obviously can't do anything here, if I can do anything at all. Cybertechnics isn't really my area of expertise but you can come to my lab and I can see what I can do."

Rory watched as James' back stiffened at the mention of a lab. Nervous energy radiated off him and she sat up, swinging her legs off the bed.

"Let me put on something warm..." Rory said at once and James swung around to look at her.

"You don't have to come," James argued but she ignored him.

"Yeah I do," she responded, pulling a sweatshirt over her head. She bit her lip as pain rippled through her arm. "I'm totally fine."

"You look like shit," Tony deadpanned and she shot him a glare.

"I'm _fine,_ " Rory insisted, taking a deep breath to try and steady herself. Who would have thought that getting out of bed would be so hard?

She needed to get out though. Lying in a hospital bed was making her remember the last time she was in one. She'd been nightmare free for a good couple of months; she didn't need this to trigger it off. Of course, she'd been nightmare free because she'd barely slept but that was beside the point.

Tony shook his head as he watched her force herself to move before he turned on his heel and disappeared from the room. James met her at the end of the bed, giving her a look like he wanted to argue. She was thankful that he didn't.

"So Tony's a tad abrasive," she said slowly as she took his arm to steady herself.

"Just a tad," he said flatly and she huffed a laugh.

"I didn't anticipate him being this angry with me, but I suppose I deserve it." She shrugged a shoulder, wincing at the pain. James' mouth formed a thin line and she held up a hand. "I'm good. I'll deal."

"You shouldn't have to just _deal_ ," he said with a roll of his eyes. "You've already heard it from Steve, you don't need to hear it from him too."

Rory winced, this time from nothing more than embarrassment from the ill-timed argument. She got it, he was mad at her, but had he really needed to bring it up while she was hurt? Probably not, but he had and James had surprisingly come to her defense and she hoped he didn't think Steve was a bad person.

"Steve's a special case," she said slowly. "Thanks for defending me, by the way. You didn't need to do that."

James shook his head. "He was being unfair considering the circumstance," he said, his eyes darkening a touch. She let out a soft sigh.

"Something Steve isn't the best at conveying what he's really feeling." She clicked her tongue, making James turn and look at her. She let his arm go, feeling slightly more steady on her feet but neither made to move.

"What do you mean?" James asked and she hesitated. She'd been avoiding talking about her personal history with Steve because she hadn't wanted what had happened between them to influence James' memories. Steve wasn't a bad person. The choice he made regarding her had been a special set of issues.

"I told you I was used against Steve by Hydra, didn't I?" Rory asked and James nodded. She placed her fingers to her throat, tracing her scar. "Well, I died. In his arms," she explained. James let out a breath, looking like she'd punched him. "I bled out, actually," she added, her body shaking ever so slightly. She drew a deep breath, which hurt her chest. "He didn't want me to come back to this job. He was worried something bad was going to happen to me –"

"And then you got shot…" James said slowly and she nodded. The doors dinged closed behind them and she requested the floor they needed. Surprisingly, Jarvis took them without argument.

"Exactly. His fear and the memory of… what happened… came out as anger. I kind of deserved it. I should have just taken his help instead of being a stubborn asshole," she mused and he snorted. "But his lecture was poorly timed."

"It was," James agreed. "You held your own though."

"Steve's 'Captain America' routine makes me laugh. He's kind of an argumentative person."

"Even before Captain America, Steve always thought he could throw his weight around," James snorted a laugh. Then he froze, his eyes going wide.

"James?" Rory asked, a little shocked and a little concerned. He looked like he wasn't breathing all of a sudden and she wondered what was going on in his head to make that happen.

"I remember his stubborn streak," he said softly, wonder in his tone and in his eyes. She met his steel-coloured gaze head on and felt her lungs tighten. "He used to… he used to argue with guys four times his size." Rory grinned and nodded along, not wanting to break the memory by speaking. "God, there was one time that I got punched out because he was running his mouth off to some big guys who were being rude to a couple of dames, downtown." He let out a laugh, his fingers going to his lip. "He had to stitch it up. I was so mad…"

"I didn't know Steve could stitch people up," Rory said softly with a smile. James nodded but then it slowed. He frowned.

"I think he can…" He let his hand fall from his lip and just like that the memory was gone and he shoved his hands deep into his pockets and hunched over.

"James?" She asked.

"What?"

"Are you alright?"

He gave a sigh and a nod.

"I don't even know if that's true." He turned away from her and headed for the doors. She followed him, ignoring the way her legs felt tired and weak.

"We can ask him?" Rory suggested but he shook his head. His mouth had formed that grim line again and she knew she'd get nothing more out of him for now.

"No. It's ok."

"Why?" she asked gently, after a moment.

"Because what if I'm wrong?"

"But what if you're right?" she countered. The doors hissed open and they came face to face with a very impatient looking Tony. She ignored his sarcastic protests about them taking so long and followed behind him.

James glanced at her before he took a step, fear and sadness radiating from his eyes. She wanted to hold him but she couldn't. He wouldn't let her that much was evident by the way he was holding himself.

As they walked through the tower she kept her eyes out for Steve. She didn't want to talk to him, but she was a little surprised that he wasn't hovering around her and making sure she was ok. Not that she cared, but at the same time she kind of did. She'd sat beside him for days before she'd been forced to leave and he couldn't even come and check on her?

She felt pathetic for even thinking about him.

Tony's private lab was located on the 73rd floor and Jarvis greeted him as he walked in, causing James to look around in surprise.

"That's Jarvis," Rory explained. "He's the building's AI. Sees everything. He's pretty handy."

" _Welcome back, Mrs Rogers."_

Jarvis' artificial voice made her freeze in shock. Beside her, James also froze and she could feel his surprised gaze on the side of her face.

Tony cringed a few feet in front of them, turning on his heel quickly to face her.

"Run that by me again, Jarvis?" Rory asked, feeling a little short of breath. She was pretty sure this had nothing to do with her injury.

" _I said, welcome back Mrs Rogers. It's been 2 years and 12 days since we last saw you in the tower."_

Tony spun around, glancing up at the ceiling."Jarvis! Ixs-nay on the Mrs Rogers-ay!"

Rory fixed him with a glare. "What the _shit, Stark!?"_ Rory all but shrieked at him, causing someone who was working in the lab to poke their head out from behind a desk.

"In my defense that would have been funnier two years ago." Tony shrugged, spreading his hands wide. "You know, when you were supposed to have actually been _Mrs Rogers_."

Her stomach tightened enough to make her feel sick.

Mrs Rogers. A name that held more weight than it should have.

James said nothing, but she knew he'd have questions. She hadn't exactly told him everything about what Steve had really been to her.

"I wasn't _ever_ Mrs Rogers!" she argued, her eyes burning as she swallowed hard. Tony shrugged again.

"Probably because you ran away."

A woman's voice rang across the lab and Rory looked up, her eyes meeting familiar brown ones that were behind clear-framed glasses.

It was the person who had poked their head around the desk and now Rory was looking at them, she realized it was Beth Triplett. Her eyes widened.

"Beth!?"

"Aurora." That wasn't a friendly tone.

Beth Triplett pushed away from her desk and moved closer. The girl hadn't changed much in 2 years. She was still a small framed and curvy firecracker with eyes that gave away just how intelligent she was… and how angry. They blazed as they looked at Rory and Rory did everything she could not to shy away.

"Long time…" Rory started before training off. Beth rolled her eyes.

"No thanks to you. I guess they have no phones in Australia, huh?" she asked, her voice sour. Her hip popped to the side and Rory knew she was in for it.

"I couldn't call Beth, I –"

"Not important." Tony cut off her defense, his eyes rolling magnificently in his skull. "Make up later. There are more important things to work on, like this guy." He gestured to James and Beth's eyes fell on him and widened.

"Holy shit. That's The Winter Soldier."

Rory felt James stiffen beside her and his hands plunged into his pockets again. He hunched over, trying to make himself seem as small as possible, which didn't really work for someone his size.

"Not anymore he's not," she replied, her eyes narrowing a touch at Beth's tactless way of addressing him.

Beth!" Tony sighed, shaking his head. "Tact. We've talked about this."

"I've talked to you about it, sure," Beth agreed absently. "What's he doing here?" she asked.

"Cap called. Said this one," he gestured to Rory with an absent wave, "had found him and he needs fixing. That tech is way beyond my field of research."

"It's broken?" she asked, her eyes still fixed on the man standing behind Rory. Rory turned to James, knowing he wouldn't speak.

"It got waterlogged, I think Steve also did a good number on it," Rory answered for him. James met her eyes, his swirling with anger and frustration.

" _I didn't agree to her_." His voice was low and he spoke in Russian, something Rory was coming to learn as a stress reaction. " _I agreed to Stark._ "

" _She works for Stark and I trust her. She specializes in the tech that's in your arm,"_ Rory countered gently. His eyes blazed hotter.

" _Hydra specialized in my arm. Does that make her Hydra?_ "

Rory glanced at Beth.

" _No. No way. Beth's never even been involved with SHIELD. She took this job to stop SHIELD offering her one. Beth's too good to be Hydra_."

James stepped toward Rory, towering over her like a colossal shadow and Rory fought the urge to step away.

" _You were Hydra once. Anyone can be Hydra_."

Rory frowned, her own eyes narrowing on him.

" _So were you. Back off, Barnes,"_ she snarled. " _Beth can fix your arm, unless you just want to leave it as is?"_ Her word was final and she quirked a defiant eyebrow at him, as if challenging him to fight back.

She could see the tick in his jaw as he thought about what she was saying. He shuffled back a few steps and she loosed a breath through her nose. Finally he gave a growl and sat on a stool, dropping his arm onto the bench with a clunk. He looked at the bench top pointedly, ignoring everyone else in the room.

"I'm guessing he's not dangerous?" Beth asked softly and Rory shook her head.

"No. Not anymore. He never will be again," she replied.

"Right. Ok…" Beth said softly. "I'll go and get some tools, take some scans. See if I can compare to the blueprints –"

"Blueprints?" James lifted his head and looked right at Beth with eyes blazing again. She nodded hesitantly. "How did you get blueprints?"

"They're online?" she glanced at Tony before looking back at him. "When SHIELD fell, Hydra intel was dumped onto the internet. I managed to snap some things up," she explained, her voice wavering slightly. She cleared her throat.

"But why this?" he demanded.

"Because I want to replicate it."

In a flash he was off the stool and standing over her. Rory attempted to throw herself between them and instead ended up slamming into his side.

"James, back down," she hissed, her fingers wrapping around his arm. He shook her off, turning to tower over Beth.

"Why?" he demanded. "Why would you want to replicate this?"

Beth didn't budge. Instead she looked up and adjusted her glasses, meeting his gaze.

"So we can utilize the tech to help amputees," she answered and he gave a growled.

"James, enough!" Rory grit out but he ignored her.

"You want to make _more_ of me?" he spat, startling her. Vaguely Rory heard the whirring of Tony's ironman repulsor firing up.

"Not you _exactly_." Beth shook her head. "But the artificial limb? Sure." She nodded. To her merit Beth sounded cool and calm, the confidence within herself radiating through. Rory's gut churned. She wanted to trust he wouldn't hurt Beth but she wasn't entirely sure. She'd never put him in this situation before and Beth was making him panic with the suggestion that she wanted to make more of him.

"The way this is fused to your nerves is unlike anything we've ever seen. It would honestly help thousands of people," Beth continued. Rory could see James' shoulders rising and falling and she hoped he was thinking rationally about what he was doing. He looked down at his arm and then back at her.

"No." He shook his had. He started to move forward but pulled up short when Beth didn't budge. If he took another step he would flatten her with his boots.

"Don't you want to help people?" she asked him, a frown on her pretty features.

There was a long, agonized moment where no one moved. Rory held her breath.

"You can trust her, James," she said softly and he turned his head slightly to show he was listening. "I do."

"You're making a mistake," he muttered before he sat again, resuming his glaring at the tabletop.

"I'll make sure you're the fist to know when I succeed," Beth challenged, causing him to scowl harder.

Relief flooded through Rory and she met Beth's eye. She nodded at the woman, who turned and disappeared back to her desk for a moment. Rory sat on a stool closest to her as the weakness she'd been feeling earlier suddenly returned. She wasn't healed enough for this kind of stress. Her chest and head hurt, the pain pumping through her limbs in time with her heartbeat. She heard the click and whir as Tony's iron man gauntlet disappeared into the band around his wrists.

"That was close," he muttered, shaking his head before he turned and disappeared further into the lab. Rory watched James for a moment.

" _Good?"_ she asked and he lifted his shoulders in a half-hearted shrug.

" _I have no choice_."

His words cut through Rory. They were so full of despair and frustration that she didn't know how to help him.

" _You have a choice, you just have to trust me. I won't let anything happen to you,"_ she smirked and nudged him. " _I have the hole to prove it._ "

He turned and pinned her with a glare, his eyes dropping to the gauze-covered wound on her shoulder.

" _That is_ not _funny._ "

" _It's a little funny_ ," she replied. James gave a huff and shook his head, looking back at his arm.

He'd _almost_ lost control. The idea of a strange person in a lab coat who had a keen interest in his arm had been too much, had brought back too many memories. This one was at least prettier than the other scientists but it was much the same. Combined with the thought of her making more of this _thing_ that was attached to him? This weapon? It had been enough for panic to shut his mind down.

He didn't know what to make of Beth. She'd clearly been frightened by him and yet, she'd stood her ground and glared right back at him. He felt horrible that he'd threatened her, disgusted that his panic had made him react like an animal. The felling of wanting to grab her, just to hurt her, to remind her of how dangerous he was had been overwhelming. But he had resisted. Only the vague notion that Rory trusted her had stopped him.

Beth bustled back over to them, different tools in her hands and she arranged them on the bench. If she was scared now she was doing a good job of not showing it – but it had been there, in her eyes as she'd peered up at him while he'd loomed over her like a titan.

 _Like a monster._

"Ok… I think I'm ready," Beth said softly, bringing him from his thoughts. He tilted his head to show that he was listening but he didn't look at her. "I want to take some scans before we start, do you mind taking your shirt off?" she asked and he nodded, shifting on the stool to shrug out of his hoodie and t-shirt beneath. She eyed him critically, looking from the tablet in her hands and then back at him.

He glanced at Rory as an orange beam of light lit up his arm and she smiled encouragingly. She'd been right about one thing: he could trust her. She'd done nothing but make sure he was ok the entire time they'd been together.

A touch registered on his arm and he flinched, looking back as Beth withdrew her hands.

"Sorry," she murmured. "I'm just…" He didn't let her finish, instead he just nodded and looked at the bench top again, watching her in his periphery.

She started by manipulating the joints, her eyes studying every move that his arm made. She referenced back and forth between the scan Jarvis had done and the blueprint and after a while he started cataloguing her in the same fashion.

Her skin was smooth, like the color of hot cocoa, and her eyes were a deep brown flecked with gold. She had long, thick lashes that brushed and curled against the glass in her specs, which framed them and made her eyes seem impossibly big. She wore three earrings in her right ear but four in her left, all different kinds. On the left she had a bar in the shape of an arrow that ran through the shell, from an inside point to the outside. He wondered if it had been painful, but he never asked. Behind that ear she had a constellation of stars, tattoos, like a whirl of stardust that trailed down her back and under he collar.

"I've been studying cybernetics for almost 10 years and I haven't seen anything come close to this," Beth said, glancing at him with a small smile. While she was this close, he could see that her brown eyes were rimmed with a ring of gold, giving them the most peculiar look. There was also a patch in her left eye that was a vivid green and he wondered if that was cosmetic or a genetic anomaly. He didn't know what to say to that but she continued anyway.

"How do you open this panel though, I can't find it on the arm but it's there on the blueprint…"

"Here." He reached around with his right hand and found the groove of the panel. He pressed it in and felt it click out of place.

"Pressure sensor," Beth murmured. "Neat."

He nodded, his lips tugging up in an involuntary half smile. She genuinely sounded proud of his arm, which was new. Most people regarded it as something to be feared but she seemed to like it.

He watched warily as she pulled her tools closer and got to work. Every time he'd been woken up he'd gone through a calibration test where he was made to sit and have someone poke around in his arm. He was usually strapped to a metal chair while it happened. The lab was much nicer in comparison and he could move freely if he needed. That quelled some of the panic a little too.

Occasionally she would prattle on about something to do with her work and he liked listening to her voice. It was smooth and soothing, almost like music. After a while his heart rate dropped. She really meant him no harm at all.

"Ok, that should be good." She said finally, pulling him from his study of her. She fumbled with the panel again and he reached up to help her. Their fingers touched lightly and she pulled away. He silently berated himself for touching her.

"Make a fist?" She asked and he did. "Tap your thumb with each finger." He did that too and she beamed. "Ok bend the wrist. Elbow. Lift your arm… Good!" She glanced up and caught his eye. "Shit, I'm brilliant." She winked and a snort escaped him. Her grin widened at that. "Ah he _does_ smile."

"I smile," he assured her, feeling his cheeks pull despite trying hard to stop them.

She turned away and started packing up her things.

"I don't believe that for a second," Beth replied. James watched as she packed up each of the tools she'd used with such care. "How's it feel?" she asked and he nodded.

"Good. Better than it did. Thanks." He nodded and reached for his shirt. She spoke again as he tugged it over his head – something that was much easier to do now that his arm worked properly.

"If you need anything else, come find me. If I'm not in here I'm in my own lab a floor below, ok?" She offered and he nodded, knowing that he would probably take her up on that offer one day.

Behind them Rory stood up and yawned. "Thanks so much, Beth," she said with a smile. Beth stiffened and kept her back to Rory. James frowned, confused by her reaction.

"Don't thank me. I didn't do it for you," Beth replied, her voice distinctively colder than it had been a few minutes ago.

"No, I know but still, thank you." Rory's smile faltered. "It's good to see you, by the way."

Beth rolled her eyes and turned to Rory finally, still on James' left. Rory stood opposite on his right and he looked up between them.

"You've got some nerve coming back," Beth bit out, a scowl crossing her pretty features when Rory didn't say anything. "Two years and not one phone call?"

"I couldn't! I was undercover!"

"Yeah. I've heard. Convenient." Beth rolled her eyes. Rory looked at her hands.

"I'm sorry Beth. I made –"

"You're _sorry_?" Beth exclaimed, whirling around to glare at Rory. "What ever are you _sorry_ for? Leaving without a damned goodbye or leaving me to pick up the pieces of Steve you left behind?" she hissed and Rory physically recoiled. James took a step back as well. "You gave _me_ the letter to give to Steve and then you left me to look after him." The air crackled with anger and Beth put down her tools. She stood with her hands on her hips and James watched Rory shrink away.

"I'm sorry, Beth I didn't know who else to trust with that." The anguish in her voice was awful and James didn't know how Beth was listening to it with such a blank expression.

"Sorry doesn't even _begin_ to cut it!" Beth exclaimed.

"I didn't think about what I was doing –"

"No. You were thinking about yourself only. You were selfish," Beth snapped, her voice like venom. Rory recoiled as if she'd been slapped. "You weren't the only one who lost a child. Steve was suffering just as badly as you were."

Child? There'd been a child? James swallowed hard, fighting the urge to go to his friend as her eyes filled with tears.

"Steve kept it from me. He _lied_ to me!"

"He kept it from you to save you from yourself," Beth hissed, stepping away from them. "You'd been through enough, he didn't want to see that destroy you as well."

She gave James one last look before she headed to the door to the lab. It opened for her and then shut with a hiss, leaving James and Rory alone. He turned back to his handler and found her looking at the roof. She was taking deep breaths, her chest rising and falling in a way that had to hurt her injury.

"My sister forgave me like that," she said with a click of her fingers. "My grandparents, who I said I hated, forgave me easily too… but Beth? Tony? Steve?" Her voice broke and she lifted her hands to cover her eyes. "I don't know how to make this up to them."

James watched for a moment, thoughtful. There were things about this woman that he didn't know, things she struggled with every single day but yet she'd left them all behind to help him, to save him. She was the strongest, most commendable person he had in his life and he was stuck knowing what to say next.

"There may not be a way," he said finally and Rory looked at him. He shrugged his shoulders. "There may never be a way to make things up to people."

He would know.

"But she was – is – my best friend. One of them. I need to make it up to her. I need to make it up to all of them."

This was the first time he'd ever seen the strong woman who'd saved him look so vulnerable. Even when she'd been shot she'd still looked like she could take on the world – but now, with her cheeks wet with tears and her face ashen from pain and emotion she looked like a simple gust of wind would defeat her.

"Then give it time," he murmured, wishing there was something he could do to help. He stood and reached for her, placing his hand on her shoulder in a gesture of solidarity. He was on her team because she'd done so much for him. She was his guide in the fucked up world he'd found himself in.

He just wished he could make it better for her too.

Neither had much to say on the walk from the labs to the apartment they were staying in. Rory refused to go back to the medical wing, despite her shoulder and chest both feeling like fire was burning through her skin. She just wanted to be somewhere safe and comfortable that didn't remind her of the darkest moments of her past.

"This used to be my apartment when I lived here, so unfortunately there's only one bed… but I'll take the couch," Rory said as she flicked the lights on. Nothing much had changed in the place, the walls were still the same, the windows were still the same and the memories that flooded back were still the same. Everything looked the same but she felt so damn different, she didn't know how to feel.

"You need the bed more than I do." James shook his head, dropping his backpack onto the table. "I've slept on far worse than a lumpy couch."

Rory started to argue but a painful throb reminded her that he was right and she nodded. She disappeared into the bedroom and came back with blankets and spare pillows and started making up the couch.

"Cut it out, doll." James shook his head, his head jerking up as the words left his lips. She tried not to smile or make a big deal about it. She was so used to Steve and his old timey talk that she took it as a good sign that it had slipped out. He cleared his throat and took the sheets from her, giving a pointed look at the armchair beside him.

She sighed and sat, dropping her chin into her palm as she watched the 6'1 muscled Soldier do something as domestic as making up a couch. _If Hydra could see him now_ she thought with an amused smile.

"I'm sorry I never told you exactly what Steve and I had been through," Rory said a few moments later after the silence rang in her ears. He glanced at her but shrugged.

"I'm used to being on a _need-to-know_ basis," he replied.

Rory nodded and chewed on her thumbnail.

"It's just that I didn't want it to cloud your judgment of him," she said and his brow quirked.

"I… appreciate that, I think?" he said slowly. "You guys were together, you lost a kid, you split. It's not an uncommon thing to happen."

"He lied to me. That's pretty uncommon… I also disappeared and joined a terrorist organization. That's even more uncommon," Rory replied and his lips quirked.

"I supposed it's not."

"You're not surprised."

"I'm observant. From the second you two yelled at each other in the car to what Beth had to say about you leaving, I pieced things together. Jarvis calling you Mrs Rogers gave enough away too," he said with a smirk and she scowled.

"I guess observation is your job," she muttered. Her eyes closed and she felt them burn horribly as tears leaked out of them. "It's taken me two years to realize that Steve was only protecting me. I wasn't in a good place and if he'd told me that we lost a child, I would never have recovered. He's not a bad person… he just did what he thought was right at the time."

James didn't say anything so she opened her eyes. He looked like he was thinking hard about something. She had an awful feeling in the pit of her stomach that she shouldn't have told him about their past. Her job was to help him remember Steve and himself, not to turn him against Steve.

She reached out for him, her fingers sliding over the smooth metal of his arm.

"Please don't let this affect how you remember Steve. He's nothing but a great person who made bad choices when faced with awful things," she said softly and James nodded. His flesh hand covered hers and she was surprised when he squeezed it.

"I'd like to talk to him, soon. If I could," he said softly and Rory nodded, smiling. She wiped her face.

"We'll go and find him tomorrow. I'm sure he'll be happy," she agreed. She sucked in a deep breath and stood. "Get some sleep, ok? We'll talk about it in the morning."

He didn't move as she moved to the bedroom but she took it as a positive that he wanted to talk to Steve and start to move forward.

* * *

Author's note:

no playlist this time. I'll do a double next week. I'm sick as hell and I'm trusting that my editor looked over this because I haven't at all. Sorry guys, til next time!


	12. Unrequited

Metanoia

Chapter 12: Unrequited

* * *

The tension in Steve as he waited for Jack Rollins to wake up had Steve jumping at the smallest disturbances. His mind kept flashing back to that morning, to being on the other end of the phone and once again being utterly helpless. It wasn't a feeling he was used to. There was anger simpering below as well, at who he wasn't quite sure yet. At Rory, for putting herself in that situation again. At Bucky for not getting her out of the way. At Hydra, at Tony for not getting them there quick enough. At himself for letting her go off alone with a target on her back in the first place. When the call came that Rollins was finally awake, Steve felt like everything was about to crack.

It turned out that Rollins had only three things to say to Steve that night.

The first was that Hydra hadn't been after Aurora. The second was that Brock Rumlow was alive. The third was that the team had been sent by Rumlow to bring Aurora back to him because the man was obsessed.

Steve hadn't had the chance to get anymore out of him because Jack Rollins had cracked his tooth, saluted Hydra and had died from cyanide poisoning in the space of twenty seconds. Even the medical unit that was standing by wasn't able to revive him. He wasn't surprised at that – he'd seen the Hydra trick before. Steve was more pissed that he hadn't thought to check before the man had woken up.

It was a relief that they weren't dealing with Hydra as a whole though. It meant Aurora was safe in New York for now and they had time to get them both out. Rollins had suggested that Brock wasn't working for the organization anymore, that his single-minded obsession with Aurora came from the fact that he was in love with her and that she was his.

That moment of blind instinct told Steve to take Rory and run. Run far and fast and out of the country. They could go into hiding, take Bucky with them. The solitude would do his recovery the world of good.

The only problem with that was that Aurora didn't want to run from her problems anymore. She wanted to stay and fight, make up for the things she'd done by leaving them all behind.

"You're going to talk to her about this, right?" Sam asked as Steve watched Jack Rollins be stuffed into a body bag, no more use to them now. Steve glanced at him, his eyebrow rising.

"Talk about what?" Steve replied in a carefully measured voice. "Her psychotic ex not being dead? Or the fact that he wants her back?"

Sam matched Steve's surprise with bewilderment. "Both. Talking to her about both is recommended," he said. Steve shrugged, turning his back on Sam as he left the cell they'd been keeping Rollins in.

"I'll send her a message," Steve said over his shoulder as he made for the elevator. Sam followed behind him.

"Now I know you don't mean that at all." He shook his head, watching his friends back. "He doesn't want her back for any other reason than to destroy her, Steve. Trust me, I was there when he found out she'd double-crossed him. He definitely wanted her dead."

Steve hit the elevator call button viciously. His chest felt tight, like he was holding his breath and couldn't let it out. He still couldn't believe she'd fallen in with someone like Brock Rumlow. He couldn't believe she'd fallen in with anyone at all because he hadn't, but the fact that it was a psychotic meathead who had the same personality as her ex-boyfriend was a blow Steve hadn't been expecting.

Rationally, he knew that it was all apart of her cover, that she wasn't serious about him… but he couldn't help thinking about the first night he'd seen her and how she'd seemed so comfortable in his arms, or how she'd defended him when he'd tried to tell her what a psycho he was.

 _He's not that bad_ had been her exact words with a small smile attached. The small smile that he'd once called his.

"She made it quite clear that she doesn't want my help when she came to New York against my advice and then ended up shot." He shook his head, a hint of anger behind his words. "Besides, she might be happy he's alive. They were together for a while, after all."

"I _really_ doubt that, man," Sam said and Steve could hear the disbelief in his tone.

The problem with Sam was that he didn't know everything that had happened between Steve and Aurora. Steve had given him the bare minimum – they'd been together, they'd broken up and she'd left to go on this mission and had broken his heart. Sam didn't know how much of a rift there was between them or why Steve didn't want to talk to her at all. How angry he was about her purposely putting herself in danger. How jealous he was that she'd moved on.

The elevator doors opened and the two men stepped inside.

"Look man, if you don't want to talk to her I will," Sam said, glancing up at Steve. "She needs to know that a psychopath is coming for her."

Steve sighed, pinching his brow as pain shot across his eyes. He hadn't slept in almost 2 days and the stress of trying to work out what the hell was going on with Aurora was finally getting to him. He just wanted to let Sam deal with it and disappear but he knew he couldn't. Eventually his guilt would come back and he'd blame himself if anything happened to her again.

"Don't worry Sam, I'll talk to her," Steve promised, gritting his teeth as the elevator came to a stop on their floor.

"Good. You need to. I should have let her kill the bastard when she had the chance." Sam sighed, shaking his head.

Steve grit his teeth and pulled out the key to his apartment. He never, ever thought Aurora would be a killer. She'd told him herself that she'd never be an assassin because killing wasn't something she could do.

But he'd seen the aftermath of the apartment, seen how she'd torn someone apart, had shot another in cold blood. At least Bucky had _tried_ not to kill them. The only reason why Rollins' had been alive was because he'd pulled his punch, going for a knock out instead of a kill.

But Aurora hadn't and it scared him.

He glanced across the hall to her apartment. So much had happened there, so much so that it was hard being back in a place they'd once shared so much in. He breathed in and out again, trying to get his lungs to work.

"I'll talk to her later," he promised again and turned from her door, opening his apartment. Sam went to the one next door, the one Clint had used to live in.

"You better. I'll be checking," he said seriously and Steve nodded as he pushed inside.

Later came early the next morning when he ventured down to the kitchen to get food and coffee and found her already there, doing the same thing.

He paused in the doorway, taking in her slight frame dressed in what he remembered her sleeping in – cotton shorts and a singlet top – as she flipped pancakes in a pan. Her hair was back to red and it curled around her ears. She hummed a song, Weezer if he wasn't mistaken, and just for a moment he pretended like nothing had happened and this was the usual for them.

"Holy shit!" Aurora exclaimed when she turned around to reach for a plate and spotted him in the doorway. "Jesus Steve, you scared the hell out of me." She scowled and he cleared his throat, stepping into the kitchen.

"Sorry. I uh… Didn't know if I was welcome," he said stiffly and she quirked a brow.

"It's a communal kitchen. I'm not going to stop you making coffee," she replied, turning back to the pan to pour more batter into it. "Did you want some pancakes?" Rory asked over her shoulder.

"Uh… sure," he agreed. He slipped around the counter on the opposite side and reached for a coffee mug. "Did you –" He grabbed a second, waving it slightly and she nodded.

"Please," she agreed and he moved to the machine. Out of the corner of his eyes he could see her staring into the pan like it was giving her the secrets of the universe. Her back was ramrod straight and she appeared to be forcing herself to breath.

It was much like himself really, except he was staring at a coffee machine and not pancakes.

He poured her a cup and turned to hand it to her and she met his gaze briefly.

"Thanks," she murmured, wincing as she lifted her hand to take the mug.

"How's it feel?" he asked, nodding to the injury before turning away from her to take a seat at the far end of the counter.

"Still sore but it's healing," Rory replied, sipping the coffee. She started humming again, but it lacked the happiness it had held before and turned back to the pan, flipping the pancake with ease.

They sat in silence for several, long and drawn out minutes; Steve sipping his coffee and trying not to stare at the bare legs of his ex-fiance while Rory concentrated on pretending like she didn't know he was staring. Neither knew what to say so it was no surprise to either of them when Rory turned around and they both started to talk at the same time.

"Listen, I'm sorry I –"

"Hydra weren't after –"

They paused and Rory slid the plate of pancakes toward Steve's end of the counter.

"You first?" she said lightly, letting out a small laugh. Steve cleared his throat.

"Uh, sure. And thanks." He gestured to the food in front of him. He took a bite and she waited patiently while he finished chewing and swallowing. "They taste the same," he mused, a smile finally making its way to his lips.

"It's the same recipe," she replied, bringing the mug to her own lips to hide her smile. "I haven't had them in such a long time… I just really needed comfort food, you know?"

Steve hummed in agreement before he spoke again.

"Look, I needed to talk to you about what happened in Arthur's apartment," he said slowly, trying to find the right way to say what he needed to. Rory let out a small sigh and dropped her gaze to her plate.

"Yeah, I wanted to apologize for not listening to you," Rory said, tucking some hair behind her ears. "It was dumb of me, I should have just taken your help but I didn't and I'm sorry." She let out a sigh and shook her head.

Steve pushed his plate around in front of him and clenched his jaw. He wanted to still be mad at her for not listening to him, wanted to get angry for the way she'd handled things but she sounded so despondent and apologetic that he couldn't bring himself to say the words. "It's ok. At least you can admit it."

"Probably should have admitted it before I got shot, huh?" she asked, lifting her head to look at him with a small smirk on her face.

He let out a huff of a laugh and scooped up some more of the pancakes. They really were as delicious as he remembered.

"Probably," he agreed. "But they would have found you wherever you went. They weren't Hydra. They were S.T.R.I.K.E."

Her brow furrowed and she cradled her coffee in her hands.

"S.T.R.I.K.E?" Rory asked, her head tipping to the side. "What do you mean – How do you know they were S.T.R.I.K.E?"

"Because Jack Rollins was found alive in the apartment when Sam took a team in to clean up and he brought him in," Steve started, pausing briefly to clear his throat. "I interrogated him yesterday and he told me that they were sent there by Rumlow and their orders were to bring you to him." He felt like his voice was sticking in his throat, like his tongue was too heavy for his mouth as he explained to her what he'd been told. He didn't want to let her know how anxious and worried he was but she would know anyway. She always knew.

She dropped her mug to the counter with a clunk, her mouth falling open.

"Wait, Brock's alive?" she asked, blinking rapidly and Steve scowled. Of course that was the only thing she took from what he was saying to her. He couldn't help the jealousy that flared in his gut.

"Yeah, thought you might like that," he snapped out, pushing the plate of half eaten pancakes away.

"Like that?" Aurora asked in confusion, frowning at him as she watched him stand and walk around the counter to the sink. "Why would I _like_ that? He's supposed to be dead!"

"Well he's not," he growled, dropping his plate into the sink.

"So you think I'd be _happy_ about that?" she asked in bewilderment.

Steve shrugged, folding his arms across his chest as he turned to face her.

"You were with him, why wouldn't you be happy?" His tone turned bitter and Aurora pushed away from the counter and stood, facing him. "You loved him," he added and her eyes darkened.

"I was with him for a _mission_ , you ass. He was a psychopath, just like you said he was and he threatened everyone I love," she snarled, as she stared him down. "No thanks to you, actually," Rory added, her eyes flashing.

"Me?" Steve blanched, taking a step back. "What the hell did I do?"

" _You_ changed the plan at the Trisk which meant I had to out myself to him instead of slipping away quietly like I was supposed to do," she shot back, pointing a finger at him. "You fucked everything up and you've put me, not to mention my family, in danger of that psychotic asshole because of it."

Steve scrubbed a hand through his hair.

"I didn't think you would have that problem. I needed to motivate people to help –" he defended but she let out a laugh that was cold and dangerous, cutting him off.

"You were thinking about how Captain America was going to save the day. You were thinking about _yourself_ ," she hissed and he scowled.

"Yeah, well you'd know all about thinking about yourself wouldn't you?" Steve snapped, resting his palms on the counter top. "I mean that's how you ended up with the psychopath in the first place, isn't it?"

"Oh you really want to bring up why I left again?" she asked, her eyebrows disappearing into her hairline. "I left because of you, _remember_?"

"How could I forget when you remind me _every_ time we talk?" Steve rolled his eyes, pushing away from the counter. "I've killed myself over it every single day for the past two years hoping that maybe, one day you'll come back and we'll work this out… and then I find out you moved on with that asshole. How long was it? Hmm? Weeks? Months?" He folded his arms across his chest, giving away far more than he had wanted to… but he was so angry with her, so hurt that he couldn't stop himself.

Everything he'd wanted to say to her was pouring out and he knew there would be no going back from this. Could feel his heart fracturing along those barely healed cracks he had tried to patch up.

He still loved her; there was no hiding from it anymore. He had always loved her. He had always hoped she'd come back and he would spend the rest of his life making his mistakes up to her.

"Eight, actually," Rory spat in a clipped voice. "Eight long months where I stuck through being alone, stuck through shitty training sessions whilst trying to convince myself that leaving had been worth it."

"And was it?" He bit out, his teeth snapping together as his heart hammered in his chest.

"Once Hydra found me and I started making progress?" She posed it as a question, dropping her chin to glare at him. "Sure and that progress was only furthered by Brock and what he wanted from me, so yeah, I moved on with him but I sure as _fuck_ didn't love him." Her shoulders were shaking and Steve could see her blinking rapidly but she lifted her chin and looked in square in the eye, daring him to follow up her argument.

"I don't believe that for a second," he sneered, his chest tightening. She threw her hands in the air and turned away from him, heading for the door. He followed and she turned when she heard his footsteps.

"You don't believe it because you are so desperate to have something to be mad at me over," she spat at him, rage crackling in the air between them. "You're so desperate to hate me like I hate you that your jealousy is making shit up."

Steve gave a laugh, shaking his head. "I'm not fucking desperate to do anything. I just know you." He pointed at her, watching as she gave an eye roll and tried to turn away again. He reached for her, taking her shoulder and turning her toward him. "I know you can't be with someone without feeling _something_ for them."

It was her turn to laugh now, cold and cruel and she shook his hand off.

"Oh please. Before I met you I did that _all_ the time. I kept my heart locked away, played around –"

"And then you met me," he said, more than a little smug and giving a small smirk. He took the look on her face as a win.

"Yeah. Then I met you…" she smiled sweetly. It turned feral in a second as she continued, "…and you _fucked_ it up and _then you broke my heart._ " The snarl in her voice was like a verbal slap. Steve took a step away, the victory he felt dissipating.

"You broke mine!"

"GOOD!" Rory shrieked, stepping toward him, backing him up against the counter. "Good. I'm _so_ glad Steve. Being with Brock was _easy_ because it made me forget about _you_." She poked him, hard, right between his pecs. "You _bastard_. Being with Brock distracted me from everything I was feeling, every small little thing that kept creeping back in just to hurt me again and again and again because as badly as you hurt me, I still _fucking love you_."

The silence rang in Steve's ears for what felt like an age as Rory sucked in a breath. Her eyes widened in surprise.

"What?" he said, his voice sounding far away. Had he heard correctly or was he imagining that she'd said she loved him?

"Loved," she snapped, half-heartedly. "I loved you," she tried again. "P-past… Past tense."

He shook his head, reaching for her and taking her by the upper arms.

"That is definitely _not_ what you just said just then." He shook his head. She gave a frustrated sighed and tried to pull out of his arms.

"It's what I meant… let me go, Steve." Her voice was breaking and he knew he had to keep ahold or he'd lose her for good.

"Only if you can tell me, _honestly_ , that you don't love me."

The silence was deafening as she looked up at him. The morning sun shone through the windows, setting her hair and her eyes on fire. She held his gaze, her chest rising and falling with each breath. She licked her lips and Steve lost his mind.

Before he knew what he was doing, Steve had leant forward and pressed his lips against hers. He waited for her fist to fly at his face, waited for her to bite him for kissing her like he was but it never came.

Instead she kissed him back ferociously, her hands coming up to cling to him like a life preserver and that was all it took for him to run his hands down her sides and draw her closer.

They were such sweet seconds while his lips were against hers and then they were over and he was spun around with his head against the countertop, his arm twisted around his back.

"I don't want to love you, Steve," she said in his ear, her voice breaking. "Not anymore."

There was a choked sob and then she was gone, the sound of the door swinging open and then closed meeting his ears as he closed his eyes. He pushed up from the counter but stayed hunched over, wishing that he could just forget her.

* * *

Rory's heart hammered in her chest so loud that it deafened her. Her lungs hurt when she drew a breath and they hurt when she let it go. Her lips burned from where he'd kissed her and her hands could still feel the hard ridges of his arms and shoulders as imprints on her fingertips. She was delirious and heartbroken all over again but she felt lovesick, like she didn't know which way was up.

She passed someone as she raced through the living room and they called out to her but she ignored them, her eyes burning as she made for the elevator. She punched the call button once, twice, swearing at Jarvis when it didn't immediately arrive.

"Hey, kid stop. Don't break my building."

Rory spun around, eyes wild. Tony. She gave a groan and pressed a hand against her eyes. Why out of everyone she could run into right now did it have to be Tony? As if her emotions weren't already taking a beating.

"Where's the fire, Dugan?" he asked as he placed a hand on her shoulder, turning her toward him. She looked up at him through her fingers and found genuine concern there, which came as a surprise considering how he'd been toward her the day before.

"I can't do it," she muttered, shaking her head. "I can't _be_ here. I shouldn't have come back."

"Oh no. No no no you are _not_ running away again." Tony scowled. The elevator behind them dinged and he pushed her inside it. He pressed a button and it started to move, giving her no choice but to go with him.

"Seriously Tony, I'm not in the mood for your guilt trip right now, ok?" She wrapped her arms around herself and stepped away from him.

"Oh I can imagine. Half of Manhattan heard you and Capsicle arguing in the kitchen just know. Sounded killer. How long's that one been brewing, huh?" He gave a laugh and she turned to glare at him, shaking his hand off her shoulder.

"Too long," she bit out, folding her arms across her chest. Everything hurt, physically and emotionally. Her chest felt tight and her head was heavy. Every emotion she had been keeping under lock and key was breaking away and hitting her all at once. She was half a step away from losing it completely and she would have just preferred to be alone.

"Yeah, well you kind of deserved it. Everything you're feeling right now? It's punishment for what you put us through."

The elevator doors opened to his penthouse suite and he stepped out. Rory followed, her temper flaring.

"Put _you_ through? You seem to forget that I was going through some pretty shitty things too!" she argued, following him over to the bar whilst glaring daggers at the back of his head.

He sighed and turned to look at her, his eyes sad.

"I know. It's why I don't completely hate you."

"How nice of you," Rory snapped sarcastically, rolling her eyes. Tony reached behind him in the cabinet and produced two glasses. He placed them on the bar between them.

"I get why you left, Aurora," he said in a soft voice. "I know that's how you deal with things. It's how you dealt with hiding what Jason was doing to you and you ran away with him. It's how you dealt with the aftermath of that and you ran away to 'military school' - which I now realize was SHIELD…" He gave her a narrowed eyed look and smirked. "You run. I drink. We deal with stress differently and I'm not going to blame you for that."

He reached below the counter and pulled out a bottle of single malt scotch and Rory blanched.

"Jesus, Tony, it's 8:15 in the morning." She shook her head as he poured two fingers into each glass. He shrugged.

"You look like you could use a drink." He nudged the tumbler toward her and Rory sighed, dropping down onto the barstool, resting her elbows on the counter. "What started this argument? Other than the two of you being stubborn assholes?" Tony asked as she picked up her glass and took a sip.

Rory sighed as she tried to piece together the parts of time that had become fuzzy since 'the kiss'.

"While I was in Australia, and I was Hydra – "

"Proud of you for that by the way," Tony interrupted, clinking his glass against hers "Climbing the Hydra ranks and coming out on top? I honestly never thought you'd have the balls for something like that."

She laughed, running her hand through her hair. "Thanks. I think? Anyway, while I was in Australia I kind of fell in this with guy, Brock Rumlow, who helped me climb Hydra ranks… and I didn't love him by any stretch of the imagination but he was a nice distraction from Steve…"

"Ah, and Steve found out?"

"Well, yes? He's also kind of the guy that sent that hit squad out for me yesterday… He's not happy that I was a double agent and that I double crossed him _and_ he's a little possessive, kind of thinks I'm his and no one else's," she added quickly, knocking back the rest of the drink in her glass. She shuddered as the liquid burned her throat.

"Oh." Tony nodded and poured her another. "Well. I have to say Roar, your taste in men is seriously in your ass."

"You're telling me," Rory muttered, shaking her head. "Steve is jealous and worried and taking it out on me –"

"Because you're both still in love with each other," Tony interjected and Rory scowled.

" _No._ Because he's a jealous ass."

"Who is still in love with you…"

Roy shook her head, glaring daggers at Tony.

"Yeah, well… I can't do that. I got over him," she snapped, folding her arms across herself again as her stomach churned and her heart gave a painful pang.

"Did you though?" Tony asked, his blue eyes piercing her with their intelligent gaze. She struggled not to squirm.

"I tried," she admitted finally, her shoulders slumping.

"Try harder, kid, because you're not convincing anyone." He snorted, shaking his head.

Rory took another drink.

"I can't do that to myself, Tony. I can't be that person that goes back to someone who hurt them. I did that too many times with Jason –"

"Ah no. Jason hurt you for fun." Tony cut her off with a shake of his head. "Steve hurt you to protect you. There's a big difference."

"Pain is still pain, no matter what the intention behind it," Rory said softly, looking down into the amber liquid in her glass. Pain was the only thing she'd feel if she stayed in the tower. "I'll keep in touch this time, I promise."

"Don't run again, Kid. We need you here."

"We?" Rory asked, glancing up.

"Yeah." Tony nodded, smiling lightly. "We. Me, Steve, your family… The Winter Solider." He added as an almost after thought.

"James," she corrected gently. "His name is James."

"I know. Right now the only person James' trusts is you. You leave and you're abandoning him. Who know what would happen?"

"He would learn to trust you guys. He remembers bits and pieces of Steve…" she argued half heartedly, knowing she couldn't leave James to fend for himself.

"I don't know. None of us have ever taken a bullet for him," Tony replied and she snorted, shaking her head. "You also dragged him out of Hydra … and he listens to you. He looks to you whenever he does anything as if seeking your approval before he does it. Steve told me you used to be his handler?"

"Yeah." She nodded.

"I think there's a part of him that remembers that. You can't leave because he needs you more than he needs anyone else right now especially if he has a hope in hell of fully remembering Steve and recovering." She knew Tony was right but she couldn't bring herself to agree just yet. She felt like she was on a rollercoaster that just kept plunging down and with every breath she took she felt like she would be sick.

Tony reached across the bar and took her hand in his.

"Hell, I missed you kid. So much. Pep missed you too. She didn't even get to tell you that we're engaged." He looked sheepish as Rory gave a shout of surprise, almost upsetting her drink.

"Holy shit, _what?!_ " She stood from her barstool and went around the counter. She wrapped her arms around her friend and congratulated him with a tight hug.

He laughed, his arms folding around hers and his chin resting on her shoulder.

"No one really knows that yet. It's been… a tough couple of years for us… there was the whole Iron Man thing… the Mandarin last Christmas…" His voice rumbled under her cheek and she laughed.

"Oh yeah, I saw what happened on the news. Did the Malibu house get rebuilt?" she asked, pulling away. He smiled and nodded, picking up his glass again.

"Oh yeah, it looks great," he replied. "Pep's there with your family right now. She runs Stark Industries from that side of the country. I bounce back and forth." He waved a hand but Rory froze at the mention of her family. The thought had plagued her since Steve had told her Brock was a live but their argument had gotten in the way of asking.

"My family are in Malibu?" she asked in a small voice.

Tony nodded, reaching out to grip her shoulder.

"They're safe. Uncle Tim called, told me that Hydra was going down and you told him to call me…"

"I knew you'd look after them." She mumbled and he nodded. The didn't know how to convey how thankful she was and she knew she would never accept it anyway. They were his family as much as they were hers, it would be a given for him to protect them.

"Always. So they're safe. Grant and Tim weren't happy about being pulled out of Boston. Neither was Alison… hard to explain to the hospital why she needs to leave."

"But she gets it now?"

"She gets it now," Tony agreed. Rory picked up her glass and knocked back the second drink, the burn making her cough unlike the first. "I can have a jet take you to them today if you want?"

She shook her head. As tempting as that was, she couldn't risk leading Brock right to their door and she told Tony so.

"He's very good at what he does and I don't know what kind of state he's in. The best thing for me to do would be to lead him away. Keep him on my tail so he doesn't hurt them."

Tony gave a sigh and put down his glass. He took her other shoulder in his hands and looked her straight in the eye.

"Asking for help hasn't ever been something you've done so I'm telling you now. We will help you," he said seriously and Rory's breath faltered in her lungs.

"We?" Rory choked out, her eyebrows knitting.

"Me. Steve. Two Assassins who adopted you as their own. A big guy with a rage problem. A god, if I can figure out how to get hold of him," he said and Rory realized he was talking about The Team. The Avengers. "You're not alone. You have plenty of people who want to help. They might be pissed but I can guarantee every single one of them is happy you're back."

Rory nodded, her eyes burning again as Tony spoke. No matter how angry people were with her, how awful she'd been to just leave… they were still on her side if she needed them.

Tony hugged her once more, dropping a kiss to her hairline before he let her go.

"C'mon. Let's call your family, let them yell at you for a while." He motioned for her to follow and she did, smiling lightly.

She settled into Tony's couch and watched as he dragged the big screen in front of them and she waited with baited breath as the call connected.

It was Pepper who picked up first and after a few minutes of congratulating the woman and begging to see the ring (which was an impressive 2 carat affair set in platinum) Rory spoke to Grant for the first time since she'd left. Like others he was angry at first, blamed her for a lot but he didn't hate her.

In fact, none of them did. They were all just relieved that she was ok. Cody and Tuck and Hannah were bigger than she could have imagined. Rose and Mia were simply beautiful and she wished with all her heart that she could be there with them and have them physically crowded around her instead of just crowded around a monitor.

Finally, after hours of listening and crying and catching up with them all, it was just her grandparents left to talk to.

"How're you going, sweetheart?" Dugan asked, taking off his hat to scrub his hand through his snowy hair.

"I'm getting there," she replied, curling her legs under her.

"Did you do what you needed to do?" Peggy asked her and Rory nodded.

"James is here in the building," Rory said and Peggy brought her hand to her mouth as she gasped. "He's confused, angry, scared… his memories come back in fragments. Sometimes violently… sometimes happy," she explained and Dugan smiled.

"I bet Steve is happy."

Rory shrugged, trying to keep her face neutral.

"Sort of? They haven't really had much to do with each other yet," Rory explained tactfully but Peggy's eyes narrowed.

"And is that their own choice or yours?" Peggy asked and Rory frowned.

"I haven't kept them apart, Grandma, if that's what you're thinking." She shook her head. "Steve's been avoiding me and if he's avoiding me then he's avoiding James. That is not my fault."

"Why is Steve avoiding you?" Peg asked and Rory folded her arms across her chest.

"Because he's petty and angry. No matter what I do, I just can't do it right," she murmured. Peggy pursed her lips.

"Are you giving him the opportunity to not be angry at you?"

"I can't even begin to figure out what that means." Rory rolled her eyes, earning a reprimand from her grandfather about attitude. "What I mean is, I'm here in the tower and every time we're near each other we fight."

 _And kiss._

 _And remind each other that you're still stupidly in love._

The thoughts betrayed her so easily and she clamped them down before they could escape.

"You're both so stubborn," Peggy muttered fondly, shaking her head. A smile touched her lips. "He told me you got hurt. It scared him."

"Wait, you've spoken to him?" Rory said, surprised that he hadn't mentioned this to her. Not that they'd had much of a chance but they might have if he'd bothered to come and find her at all.

"At least once a day." Dugan nodded, stroking his moustache. "I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned it to you."

Rory scowled, shaking her head.

Anger boiled to the surface again. How dare Steve not tell her about her family or being in contact with them at all? How dare he talk to them every day and yet not both to come and ask how she was after she was shot?

"Don't be too mad, sweetheart." Peggy said, noticing the look on Aurora's face. "He doesn't know what to say to you anymore. He's caught between still loving you and still being angry that you ran away."

"That isn't the point, Grandma." She huffed, shaking her head. She sucked in a deep breath before she let it out again. "I just don't know what to do. I don't have a plan from here and now with Rumlow coming after me there's just one more added threat to the long list of things to think about."

"Rumlow? Brock Rumlow?" Dugan asked her with a frown. "He found out you double crossed him."

"Yeah Pa. He found out… and he's kind of obsessed with me because we were… together." She explained as tactfully as she could. "He's who sent the hit out on us at Arthur's apartment." Rory looked at her hands. "It wasn't Hydra."

"You're safe in the Tower." Peggy said softly, making Rory look at the monitor again. "Stay there while you can and make a plan. Ask for help."

"It's already been offered by Tony but you don't understand, Grandma. It wasn't Hydra this time but next time it could be. Next time they could realise where Bucky is and they could come. There are two teams coming for us here. Tony's already had to rebuild this place once… and his Malibu mansion… I don't want it to be my fault that he does it again." She explained. She ran a hand through her hair out of frustration. Her only problem was she didn't know where to go from here. All of her SHIELD contacts were likely to be compromised and she still wasn't sure how Rumlow found her in the first place. "I just don't know where to go."

"Stay in the city for as long as you can. Rest. Take the help where it's offered and _talk to Steve_." Peggy replied. Rory drew her knees up to her chin and curled around herself. She would give anything in the world to be there with Peggy and have her grandmother hold her again.

Rory nodded, wishing she could feel her grandmother's warm touch again. All she desperately wanted right at the moment was a hug.

"Take help where it's offered," Dugan told her seriously and she nodded, promising she would. "You don't have to do this alone anymore, sweetheart. You've proven yourself. It's almost over."

Rory nodded. "I definitely have." She agreed. This was it. As soon as Hydra and Rumlow were off her tail she was out for good.

She had a lot to think about now but it was the start of a plan that would hopefully keep her safe for just a little bit longer.

* * *

Author's Note:

I'm so sorry this is a week late. Between sickness and comicon both myself and my editor were completely beat. Next one will be on time as per usual. Let me know what you think by leaving a comment or kudos!

Playlist:

Sucker for Pain – Lil Wayne + others

I don't love you – My Chemical Romance

Can you Hold me – NF, Britt Nicole

**Amendment made to this chapter 12 Oct 16**


	13. Hiraeth

Metanoia

Chapter 13: Hiraeth

* * *

James paced around the room, watching the door with eagle eyes. He was agitated. Rory had left to get breakfast almost three hours earlier and was still yet to return. She hadn't said anything to him about being gone for so long and he felt so stupid that he depended on her like that… but he couldn't help it.

Without her he was alone in the building, he didn't trust anyone else. He had nothing but The Soldier's voice twisting through his mind to keep him company. Filling his head with thoughts of why she hadn't returned.

 _She's abandoned you.  
Left you here.  
They're going to use you._

He did his best to ignore them but he was starting to fail.

What if he _couldn't_ trust these people? What if this was how Hydra got him?

He paused in his steps and stared at the door, chewing on the thumb of his right hand. He was being stupid, thinking like that. Rory wouldn't leave him. She couldn't leave him. She'd promised him…

He growled, shaking his head. All he had to do was step foot outside the door and go and find her. She couldn't be far and he hadn't ever been told he _couldn't_ go for a walk… Maybe she was with Beth in her lab. Maybe she'd decided to make up with the woman and they were chatting as he knew women could sometimes do.

He dropped his hand to his side and steeled himself, making himself walk toward the door. He stood in front of it, listening closely for any sound in the hall.

He heard nothing and cracked the door a little.

Empty hall. Silent. Safe.

Stepping out, he shut the door quietly behind him. He shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his hoodie and made for the elevators, pausing to press the call button.

A door behind him opened and his shoulders stiffened.

"Buck?"

Steve's voice carried, confusion evident in his tone. James straightened and turned to look.

"Rogers." He nodded, finding the man stepping out of his own room. He cleared his throat. He'd wanted to talk to Steve today but not without Rory. He didn't know what to say to the man if Rory wasn't there as a buffer… but he did wonder if Steve could help him find her. He knew the two weren't on good terms but it couldn't hurt to try.

"I'm uh, just looking for Rory," he said a little guiltily, feeling like he'd been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to.

Steve frowned hard, his head tilting to the side the way it had always done when he was thinking hard. "She hasn't come back yet?" he asked and James shook his head. The elevator dinged beside him and opened but he ignored it.

"No?"

Steve gave a groan, as James stayed silent and waited for him to continue.

"We had an… argument." There was a hint of a lie on his voice and James frowned. "That's all we seem to do these days."

"You don't say," he muttered. He knew that and he knew why and yet he couldn't help feel just a little angry with his old friend. He couldn't ever remember Steve treating a dame so poorly.

"She told you about us," Steve said with a resigned voice and James nodded.

"She's avoided talking about you at all unless I asked, but I pieced most of it together," he said pointedly, silently blaming Steve for upsetting her again. "She told me the rest after a nasty run in with Beth _and_ Tony yesterday," he finished, punching the buttons to the elevator again. Steve slid a hand across his jaw, scrubbing hard out of frustration.

"That's just… perfect," Rogers muttered, turning away from him. "She's turned you against me."

A flare of protective anger went through James like wildfire and he rounded on Steve like an angry bull.

"She hasn't turned me against you. I don't _remember_ you," he snarled, his eyes blazing. Steve froze on the spot and turned slowly. James stepped toward him. "She can't turn me against a side I'm not on. Trust me, I know something about being turned." His voice was low and dangerous and he glared at Steve from where he stood.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like –" Steve started to say but James continued without missing a beat, his ears ringing from anger that he was desperately trying to control.

"You know she's killing herself to try and make things right with people around here. You'd do well to show her a little respect," he snapped. Steve shrank a little. The elevator dinged open again but James ignored it for the second time.

"Respect? I did nothing _but_ respect her. I fucking _loved_ her," Steve replied, his mouth a grim line. He shoved his hands deep in the pockets of his jeans. "Did she tell you that I lied to her to protect her? Because I was worried about what she would do to herself?"

"Yeah. She told me," James said, feeling satisfied when Steve looked surprised. "She knows she made a mistake but she got the job done. Hydra and SHIELD both fell and she got me out. She did a damned good thing all while trying to piece herself back together too. So no, she hasn't 'turned me against you' but I'll be damned if I'm not on her side through this."

With his fists clenched tightly by his side, shaking from controlling his actions and his words, he stepped into the elevator and punched the floor buttons blindly.

He loosed a long breath, his vision blurring with every beat of his heart. He didn't want to fight with Steve. Somewhere, deep inside it felt fundamentally wrong. It was similar to when he was ordered to kill him; there was something inside him that made him pull his punches, something that made him dive off the aircraft and into the Potomac after the man.

Steve was apart of his history, tethering him to a point in time that he desperately wanted to get back. If he didn't leave now he might do something irreparable.

The doors were just about shut when a hand shot between them and made them open again.

"I'm sorry, Buck." Steve's voice was horse and his face was ashen. "I didn't mean… I didn't…What I said was stupid of me."

 _Don't do anything stupid til I get back.  
How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you_.

"Yeah well, looks like I didn't take all the stupid with me," he said softly, his brow furrowed as the memory washed over him. "It's James, by the way," he added, in a half-assed voice. He knew Steve wouldn't call him anything but Bucky.

Steve stared at him with wide eyes and he stayed silent long enough for the doors to try and shut again. James stuck his hand out, not wanting to leave just yet. He was remembering things and he was so desperate to hold onto them.

"You… you remember that?" Steve asked, clearing his throat. James shrugged a shoulder, stuffing his own hands into the pockets of his pants.

"Sort of. You were smaller," he muttered.

"I joined the army," Steve replied. James felt his lips lift in a half smile. "I am sorry though, Pal. I didn't… I just… It's been a hard few years. I wasn't thinking."

"You always did have a thing for the head strong dames." He shook his head. Memories floating through his mind in full technicolor, snippets of conversations rang in his ears and for the first time they didn't pain him at all. If anything they comforted him but his jaw was still clenched tight and his hands were still curled into fists.

Steve looked like he wanted to step into the elevator with him, perhaps even hold him, but he didn't and James was glad. He wasn't sure if he could do that just yet.

" _I'm very sorry to interrupt,"_ The soothing voice of Jarvis addressed both men and James looked up. " _But Miss Dugan is trying to call the elevator to her on the Penthouse floor._ "

"Oh… uh… sorry…" he muttered, glancing at Steve.

"You go. I don't really want to get in her way again." Steve shook his head, his smile fading at the mention of Aurora. James opened his mouth to tell him to wait but the doors slid shut between them and the elevator started to move. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and a few seconds later the doors were opening again and Rory was stepping in.

"James!" she exclaimed, her eyes wide with surprise. "What are you –"

"Came to look for you," he said sheepishly, shoving his hands into his pockets. "You've been gone a while and I wasn't… sure what to do…" He felt so stupid that he'd panicked the way he had. Of course she hadn't left him. She wouldn't. She'd promised him so many times; he was ashamed he didn't believe her.

Her expression fell and she bit her lip.

"I'm _so_ sorry," she said, stepping into the elevator. "I… managed to get in touch with my family. I needed to make sure they were safe." She smiled and James wished she wouldn't ever stop. She looked much better when she did, less like the world was sitting squarely on her shoulders and more like the young woman she was.

"It's ok… I just didn't know where you'd gone…" He shrugged, trying not to seem like he'd panicked like an idiot. "I ran into Steve."

"Oh?" Rory said, her voice turning false and light. "How'd that go?" she asked and James knew she was trying to conceal something.

"It's fine. He mentioned you guys had an argument…" He glanced at her in time to see her cheeks color pink and she looked away.

"We did… But what's new?" She shrugged. "Did you guys talk?" It was James' turn to look away now and he cleared his throat.

"Yeah, I suppose. I remembered something else. It's a start," he said a little gruffly. Rory nodded in agreement but didn't push. She never pushed him and he appreciated that too.

There were so many little things about her that he appreciated. He really didn't know what he'd done to get so lucky that she'd come along when she had.

"How is your family?" he asked and she grinned, turning that smile onto him as the elevator came to a stop.

"They're actually great," she sighed, stepping out. He noticed that she studiously avoided looking at Steve's door, instead making a beeline for hers. "I miss them so damn much." He could see her shoulders bunch, but she pushed the door open and strode through with her head high. "But they're safe. That's what I was worried about."

"That's good." James followed. "Where are they?"

"They're in Malibu in Tony's house on the other side of the country. Faaaaar away from whatever trouble I could lead them into." Her smile dimmed ever so slightly and he frowned.

"Tell me about them?" he asked, wanting to see that brightness return to her eyes. It also occurred to him that he knew basically nothing about the woman who had saved him. She'd done a very good job of talking to him for those few days between West Virginia and New York but never actually telling him anything. At the time he hadn't minded but she was the closest thing he had to a friend and he wanted to know more.

"My family?" Rory clarified and just like that the smile returned. She told him about her siblings and what they did. About their other-halves and their kids, how crazy she'd gone without them. Her parents' deaths were mentioned briefly, but then she moved onto her grandparents and it was like she'd never thought of them.

"You guys sound close," he said when she'd finished and the light from outside the window had all but disappeared. They'd migrated to the couch with some leftover pizza from the night before and she nodded.

"Very. We all had each other growing up. We stuck together," she agreed, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand.

"I think I had a sister, once." James frowned, concentrating hard. "The name Rebecca sounds familiar at least," he added and she nodded.

"I can find out for you, if you like? Or you could ask Steve…" she trailed off when she said his name and he sighed.

"I can ask Steve," he said. He watched her for a moment before he spoke again. "He thinks you turned me against him."

Rory's head whipped around.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Rory said, groaning and rolling her eyes. "I avoided telling you anything about us so that I wouldn't accidentally turn you against him" She shook her head, dropping her slice of pizza back in the box.

"I told him that," James said. "I kind of remembered something again though, so I think it's ok." He rubbed the back of his head, a smile tugging at his lips.

"That's great!" Rory grinned. "What did you remember?" she asked and James cleared his throat.

"Nothing… big. I just remember the night I left New York. I told Steve not to do anything stupid until I got back and he said that I was taking all the stupid with me so how could he?" A laugh escaped his lips and he shook his head. "He really didn't listen to me, did he?"

"No but when does Steve listen to anyone?" Rory rolled her eyes.

"It's why he's the Captain."

She laughed and agreed and then fell silent. He looked at her, finding her brow furrowed as if thinking hard about something.

"You good?" he asked and she looked over.

"Yeah, I'm good I'm just…" She loosed a breath. "What do you want to do, J?" Rory asked and he blinked in confusion.

"About what?" he asked in return.

"About this. Where we are. Where do we even go from here?" she said and he realized she was talking about the next part of the plan. James ran a hand through his short hair and leant forward onto his knees.

"I honestly don't know." He looked around the apartment, liking that he had his own space for once. "Did you want to move on?"

"I did… but I will do whatever you want to do. We're a team." She smiled and he nodded. "I'm just thinking that, Brock knows I'm here. Hydra doesn't… not that we know of. It could be safer for us… yet, if something did happen, like Hydra found you, there would be so much collateral damage…"

"But you said this was one of the safest places in the world." He pointed out and she nodded.

"Oh it is. After I was kidnapped from right inside the building, Tony completely overhauled the system… but Hydra doesn't always use the door," she pointed out, her face a grim line of seriousness. "Sometimes they use the hole in the wall that they put there themselves."

"It's true." He nodded. "But we have help here. It's not just us on our own," he reminded her and she looked surprised.

"You want to work in a team?" Rory asked and he nodded.

She trusted these people. They had been the first people she had wanted to run to when she'd rescued him and realized he'd been injured and they were the first people she'd contacted when they needed help. She and Steve may not have been on great terms but they were still on the same side and James knew that Steve would go to the end of the world to help them both.

He told her this, watching as she took in everything he was saying.

"I want to run, James," she said when he was done. She looked scared and he knew that she was. Hell, he was too. For so long he'd taken orders like a mindless machine and now he was on his own he didn't know what to do. His world was upside down and the only thing keeping him balanced was her.

"So do I but, from a tactical stand-point, I think we need to stay." He shook his head. "The building is protected. We have help here. We're safe and we can figure out a way to attack Rumlow first."

"Rumlow?"

"He's the smaller threat if we compare him to what's looking for me." He shrugged and she agreed again. "If we make a plan to draw him out so we can take him down with some help, we'll have a better chance of getting out quieter when we need to."

"Alright," she said softly. "We'll stay. You're right. We're safe here and we have help here."

He knew this wasn't what she wanted because he felt the same, but it was what they needed to do.

* * *

They stayed in the tower longer than either of them had wanted, leaving the apartment only when they had to. Rory showed James where the gym was and he spent his time between the apartment and there, enjoying being able to do something other than stare at the TV or read about horrors on the internet.

Sometimes Rory joined him but mostly she kept to herself, trying not to cross paths with anyone who might be mad at her. She wanted to talk to them, especially Beth, but she didn't know where to begin. Beth had made it quite clear that she didn't want anything to do with Rory the first time they'd crossed paths so she didn't try and bother the woman.

Then there was Steve. Her heart still ached and her stomach still erupted with butterflies every time she thought about the last time they'd met. They'd fought. He'd been jealous. He still loved her and well, she hadn't exactly denied still being in love with him. She wasn't even sure if it _was_ love but she did miss him, however angry he may have been with her.

She called her family twice a day but that didn't fill all the time she had. She'd been to see Doctor Cho once, to get her shoulder checked out. It was healing nicely, not quite as fast as she wanted but faster than any normal person.

She was lonely and scared and constantly living like an attack was just around the corner and she was exhausted. Extremely and utterly exhausted, right down to her bones.

It was the middle of the day when a knock echoed around her apartment, making her look up from the book she was trying to read. She wondered who it was, her stomach a tight knot.

James was in the shower, having gotten back from the gym not too long before. It could have been anyone and she didn't know if she wanted another argument with someone else who was mad at her.

She looked skyward.

"Jarvis, who's at the door?" she asked, swinging her legs off the couch as she rose to her feet.

" _Miss Triplett-Jones._ "

Rory frowned and stood, padding to the door as a second knock sounded. She cleared her throat and opened it, peering out at Beth in confusion and surprise.

"Beth?"

"You've been here for two weeks and you haven't come to see me once," Beth said with narrowed eyes, folding her arms across her chest. "I see Steve and Sam every day. They haven't seen you either. Not even Tony's seen you and it's his tower… I get the feeling you're avoiding us."

Rory let out a small sigh and folded her own arms.

"Well, uh, you made it kind of clear that you were mad at me, so I figured you wouldn't want to see me," she said with a shrug. She lifted her hand and brushed some hair off her face as Beth rolled her eyes.

"Oh yeah, I'm mad. Super mad. Doesn't mean I don't want to see you" Beth said pointedly. Rory stared at the woman for a moment before she stepped back and let her in. Beth breezed past her and Rory shut the door.

"I am sorry, Beth," she said softly, as Beth dropped her bag to the floor.

"I know." Beth turned to face Rory. Neither made to move or sit. "James came to see me in my lab yesterday." Rory's eyebrows rose in surprise. "To apologize for how he'd treated me the day I fixed his arm but to also talk about you," she elaborated when Rory said nothing.

"Me?" Rory asked, glancing toward the door that led through to he bathroom. She had no idea he'd been anywhere other than the gym. She supposed she couldn't blame him. No one had said he couldn't walk around the tower. It just surprised her that he had done it by himself.

"I read your letter to Steve about a hundred times over. At first I was confused, shocked… and then I was mad," Beth said, tightening her hold on herself. "You didn't even give him a chance to explain, Aurora."

"I know," Rory said, looking down at the ground. "But I'd just lost everything, I wasn't thinking straight and I felt totally and utterly betrayed. What would you have done, Beth?" She looked up and pinned the girl with a solid stare. She was done pretending like Beth's anger wasn't hurting her.

Beth had no idea what had been going through Aurora's mind because Aurora had never told her. The blame on that fell squarely on her, she knew but she had reacted the only way she'd known how, by running away from her problems. She'd never been the type to ask for help, from anyone, and she was fast recognizing this as a fatal flaw.

"I don't know," Beth said in a soft voice. "James said the same thing. He said that you did what you did because you didn't know what else to do."

That floored her. She had no idea James had been perceptive and understanding enough to explain why she'd run to someone who was so angry with her.

"He's right," Rory agreed. "What else was I supposed to do? Steve and my grandparents betrayed me. I lost a pregnancy and I was still recovering from the whole ordeal of being kidnapped and tortured…" Her fingers went to the scar on her neck and Beth's eyes followed the movement. "I know I shouldn't have run and I should have called but I didn't know what to say, Beth." Something caught in her throat and she swallowed hard. "I'm sorry I put you through that, I'm sorry I left you to deal with Steve but… I didn't know what else to do."

Beth nodded, her eyes shining. She blinked rapidly. "I know. I'm sorry I've been so mad at you… I… Never really wanted to think about your side of things when I was so caught up dealing with Steve."

"Thank you for looking out for him."

"Lots of us were… but those first few days I didn't want to leave him alone for too long. Wasn't sure what he'd do," Beth said grimly. "You both owe each other big time."

"I think we can pretty much call it even." Rory gave a huff. The two fell silent, awkwardly standing apart.

"I'm really glad you're home," Beth said, breaking the silence finally. She held up her arms and the floodgates in Rory's eyes broke as she went to her friend. She wrapped her arms around her and held on for dear life.

It was that moment that the bedroom door opened and James entered. Rory heard his stammered apology and then he turned around.

"It's ok, James," she said, chuckling as she let Beth go. "It's ok."

He stopped and glanced at Beth before he nodded.

"Good. Good," he said, running a hand through his still wet hair. She heard Beth mutter a _Hail Mary_ under her breath and glanced at her in time to see her turn away. She frowned and looked back at James realizing that he didn't have a shirt on.

Rory struggled not to grin and she cleared her throat. She wandered into the kitchen and opened the fridge.

"So, I'm kind of hungry… does anyone want… left over pizza and beer?" she wrinkled her nose.

The whole 'not leaving the Tower' thing was starting to get old, fast. If it wasn't for Tony's rooftop garden and his private terrace she'd be going a little crazy without fresh air. As it was, she'd give anything to be able to walk around New York again, even just to go and do some grocery shopping.

"You literally have nothing in this kitchen, how on earth are you living here?" Beth sounded shocked and Rory glanced at her.

"Pizza." She shrugged. "We can't run the risk of leaving thanks to my crazy ex, and you know, Hydra." She waved her hand at James who scowled. "I'd kill to be able to leave."

"Mhm, yeah, I bet," Beth snorted. "Look, why don't I go and get some food for you and I'll bring back lunch because we have a lot of catching up to do." She reached for her bag and pulled out a purse. "Did you want anything specific?" Beth addressed James, who merely shrugged.

"Whatever you're having is fine," he replied. He cleared his throat and then disappeared back into the bedroom. Rory watched after him in amusement.

Beth turned to her as soon as he was gone and gripped her arm tightly.

"Dang, girl. How do you find literally the hottest men on the planet?" she whispered as she pulled Rory toward the door. Rory did her best to stifle her laugh before shaking her head.

"You know, it's never my intention and I haven't really had a chance to notice how attractive he is," she replied honestly. Running for their lives kind of made what he looked like irrelevant. She could see the appeal though and knew that, back in his Howling Commando days, Bucky Barnes had been quite the hunk.

"Well, as long as this doesn't work out to be another love-lockdown-denial thing." Beth rolled her eyes. "I call dibs."

"Beth!" Rory laughed and opened the door for her friend.

"Seriously. I mean, he's your ex's best friend. Totally off limits, yeah?" Beth nudged her as she passed. The door across the hall opened and the devil himself appeared. "Speaking of… _Hey_ Steve!" Beth called out, causing Rory to curse and Steve to look up.

"Hey Beth… Aurora." He glanced at her a second later. His eyes never lingered and Rory felt a stab in her chest. Sam followed him behind and flashed her a grin.

"The hermit emerges!" he said loudly and Rory waved a hand.

"Just to walk Beth to the door. She's going to do my groceries," Rory explained, lingering a little into the doorway.

"Oh, hey I should probably do that too," Sam agreed. "Mind if I join you?"

Beth looked him up and down and grinned.

"Not at all, handsome," she replied. Rory rolled her eyes. She'd missed Beth's antics more than she could say. "I'm also bringing lunch back for the two hermits in apartment 8903, did you guys want to join us?"

" _Beth!_ " Rory hissed, her stomach doing flips.

She hadn't seen Steve in over a week, not since they'd argued, kissed and she'd told him she didn't want to love him anymore. She didn't know what to say. Every time they spoke they fought and after that kiss she had no idea where she stood with him. She had no idea how she even felt.

It was a mess and she didn't want to deal with what they'd become.

"We'd love too," Sam answered for the both of them and Rory heard Steve let out a sharp breath through his teeth. "Groceries first. Then lunch." He nudged Steve, who elbowed him back.

"Alright then. We'll be back soon!" Beth flashed Rory and grin and a wink and Rory tried to glare at her. Beth ignored it and followed the two men toward the elevator.

Rory shut the door and leant against it.

It was exhausting, coming back to this place. Her body and mind seemed to be on a constant rollercoaster of ups and downs. The emotional impact was taking its toll. She felt weary and older than her 28 years.

"I'm sorry I went to see Beth," James said softly. Rory looked up to see he'd put on a shirt and she smiled.

"Don't be. I missed her a lot," she replied. He nodded.

"I know. I just want you to stop blaming yourself for things you can't change," he said and her brows knitted. "You did what you had to do for you. They should understand that. You understand why they're hurt, don't you?" James asked and she nodded. "Then they need to do the same for you."

A lump formed in Rory's throat and her eyes burned. She moved form the door to where he stood in a few steps and wrapped her arms around his body. She knew he wasn't one to get close to someone but she needed to let him know that she appreciated what he was doing for her.

In his own way, he was saving her as much as she was saving him.

He was stiff for a long moment and then his arms settled tentatively around her shoulders and she felt him relax, as if he hadn't felt this level of affection for a very long time. He let out a breath that ruffled her hair and then he held her tighter, lifting her enough that her feet barely touched the ground and he could bury his face in her hair.

"Thank you," she murmured and he nodded.

" _net, kukly , bol'shoye spasibo_."  
 _No, doll, thank you_

The buzzing of Rory's phone broke them apart and he let her go easily. He didn't throw her away like she'd electrocuted him, which was a bonus and she took it as a win. He disappeared back into the bedroom while she picked up her phone.

1 New Text(s):

04/19/2014  
12:33pm  
 **I can find a  
way out of  
lunch, if you  
want me to.**

Rory held her breath as she thought about what to say. Part of her wanted to tell Steve to do just that because she didn't want to deal with him… but another, slightly more rational part reminded her that she couldn't avoid him forever. Sadly, their lives were much too intertwined for her to be rid of him for good. Her family had adopted him as their own and her main circle of friends (the ones she was getting back slowly) were all friends with him too. Then there was the whole " _the team is there if you need them, kid_ " that Tony had spouted off and Steve was definitely apart of that.

Reply:  
04/19/2014  
12:35pm **  
Don't be silly,  
Steve. We're adults.  
It's just lunch. **

She held her breath as she sent it and hoped what she'd said was true.

* * *

Author's Note: Another Monday, another chapter. Please feel free to comment and let me know what you think.

Playlist:

Scarlet Letter - Jule Vera

I Will Rise - Karen O

Hysteria - Muse


	14. Louring

Metanoia

Chapter 14: Louring

* * *

Lunch with Steve and Sam wasn't as awkward or unbearable as Rory had been expecting. In fact, Rory actually found herself having a good time, even though Beth and Sam did most of the talking. It was good because they were both incredibly quick witted and funny people, and listening to them talk was about the first normal thing Rory had done in a long time.

Occasionally Steve would contribute and at least twice James had something to say in response, but Rory could still feel the tension in the air and she as hyper aware of whatever Steve was doing. Sometimes she could feel his eyes on the side of her face but when she looked he wasn't looking at all. She didn't know whether she was happy or saddened by this. Gone were the days where they could talk for hours about everything and nothing. She realized, with a sinking feeling in her stomach, that she'd do anything to get those back.

The kiss they'd shared played on her mind almost every day and whenever she thought of it she remembered the words she'd said to him.

" _I don't want to love you anymore_. _Not anymore."_

They'd hurt her to say, they'd hurt her to think and there wasn't even an ounce of a lie in them. It had floored her to realize that even though he'd betrayed her, damned her trust to ash, she still had this pang in her chest and this fluttering in her gut whenever she thought, saw, spoke or even so much as looked in his general direction. She still loved him and it killed her to know that she did.

"Rory! Will you tell him that yoga is the ultimate stress reliever?" Beth's voice broke through her thoughts and brought Rory back to the communal living room where they'd chosen to eat lunch.

She frowned and wiped her mouth on the back of her hand, glancing from her friend to Sam.

"Stress relief?"

"Yeah, like what do you do to wind down?" he elaborated, which told Rory exactly nothing about how they got onto this subject. She looked to James for answers but he just shrugged. "Beth says that yoga is the best –"

"Because it _is_!" She laughed. "You should try it sometime –"

"Me?" Sam's face was a picture of horrified amusement. "I don't do freakin yoga. Do I look like I do freakin – Steve, are you hearing this?" He looked at Steve, rolling his eyes as he did.

"I'm hearing it," Steve agreed, wiping his mouth and leaning back against the cushions of the couch. "I can't say yoga is something I've ever wanted to try." He agreed with Sam, who let out a loud HA! "I've heard chocolate is pretty good though."

His eyes slid toward Rory and when they locked onto hers he smirked. She let out a snort, remembering the night he'd come back from the Arctic mission. Chocolate had always been her second choice for a stress relief and Steve knew this. She was sure he did too because he laughed when she replied. "I guess it's a close second."

Steve laughed, not once breaking his gaze and it was like music to her ears. His laugh was a sound she'd missed while she'd been away and she was happy to hear it again.

"Second?" Sam prompted and Rory felt her cheeks burn remembering that her first choice had been sex and she couldn't exactly tell Sam, Beth and James that. She dropped Steve's gaze and shrugged.

"Sorry, Sam. I'm with Beth. Yoga lowers the heart rate, strengthens the mind and the body and makes you stop and breath." She covered smoothly and Beth cheered, satisfied with her lie. Only James gave her a look that clearly said he knew she was lying. She watched as he looked at Steve and a sly grin formed on his face when he saw Steve's expression and red ears. She narrowed her eyes at him and he snorted, shaking his head and covering it with a cough. He was too damned perceptive for his own good.

"Oh sure, take her side. Damn stupid girls and your flexibility," Sam mumbled and Rory laughed.

"I'm sure you've never complained about a girl's flexibility before, Sam," she said and Sam grinned wickedly.

"Well when you put it like that…" He winked and Steve cleared his throat. Sam turned his shit-eating grin toward his friend but said nothing else.

They prattled on for a while longer before Beth needed to get back to work and Sam conveniently realized he was supposed to be somewhere.

Which left Rory, James and Steve alone in the living room in complete silence that was equal parts awkward and stressful, as no one quite knew what to say. Rory's stomach churned as the silence stretched on and with each passing second the urge to leave rose higher and higher in her gut, like vomit on the edge of spilling over.

She looked between the men; James was looking at his hands and Steve's eyes were focused on a spot outside the window and she knew she would have to be the one to break the tension. Things weren't going to change if she didn't do something soon and she had promised her grandparents that she would at least try and get the two men on neutral ground.

"So, how do you feel about helping us take out Rumlow?" she said slowly, not quite knowing what else to say. She could have prattled on and on about random things like she used to but she really didn't know how anymore.

Steve's eyebrow rose as he turned to her and he shifted in his seat.

"Are you asking me for help?" he asked, genuine confusion in his tone. He glanced at James, who shrugged and gave a nod before he glanced at Rory for confirmation.

"Yes," she said indignantly, annoyance at both of their surprise flashing through her. "You don't need to sound so surprised by that." She cleared her throat. Steve's brows knitted and he held up his hands.

"I'm uh… sorry?" he said lightly, clearly treading very carefully with his words. "I just… didn't realize you were staying," he said finally. "I'm actually surprised you're still around. I was expecting you to leave as soon as you could." His eyes fell on her arm that was no longer in a sling but still bandaged around the shoulder.

Rory looked at her hands and picked at a nail.

"I wanted to," she admitted softly, "But James made the argument that we should stay, so I did."

Steve looked to James, even more confused than before. He thought for sure that all James wanted to do was get away from everything.

"She's still injured and she trusts everyone here," he explained with an almost embarrassed shrug. "With her injury, if we got ambushed again we'd be sitting ducks."

"Security here is pretty solid," Steve agreed, silently thankful that his old friend was still military right down to his core. "So, what, the plan is to stay and take out Rumlow before moving on?"

James sighed and looked at Rory, who said nothing in return. The stubborn set of her mouth told Steve she wouldn't say anything and he knew this had to be killing her, not having control of what she wanted to do. He knew she probably wanted to run, to get away from things that were bothering her – himself, for example – and he couldn't help but feel proud that she wasn't, or hadn't yet anyway.

"Yeah, basically," James said after a moment. "I'm not going to stay off Hydra's radar forever and when they do find me it won't be a walk in the park. It wouldn't be wise for us to be here when they do but we obviously can't leave safely because Rumlow knows where she is."

"And he'll be watching," Steve agreed with his friend.

"And he'll just keep attacking until he gets what he want," James added. Aurora gave a frustrated sigh and stood, pacing back and forth in front of them while rubbing her shoulder. "Good?" James asked and she glanced at him, nodding.

"Painkiller's worn off," she murmured. "It's aching."

Steve watched as James reached into a pocket of his jeans and produced a small bottle of pills. Rory took them without a word, popping the cap and swallowing four. She replaced the lid and handed them back, sending him a soft smile of gratitude.

Steve's chest felt tight. They were closer than he thought and he couldn't help but remember his old friend Bucky and how he'd once been with women. He pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind and grit his teeth. He had no right to be jealous. After all, she'd told him herself that she didn't want to love him anymore. Maybe _James_ was just another attempt at letting him go.

"So you want to get in before him and take him out before Hydra find you?" Steve prompted, steering himself studiously away from that train of thought, and both of them looked at him like they'd forgotten he was there.

"Right. Except we're going to need help," Rory said. She gestured to her arm. "Brock has always liked to use force and there's no way I could take him any time soon." She rolled her eyes and sat back down beside Steve. Her words made him bristle and anger flashed through him.

If she was insinuating that he used force on her then he wouldn't just bring the man in – he'd kill him but before he could say anything James spoke instead, literally reading Steve's mind.

"I really hope you don't mean what I think you mean, doll."

The old language threw Steve but it made him hopeful. Bucky was still in there somewhere, he knew it.

Rory looked from James and then to Steve, noting both their expressions. She rolled her eyes again, huffing slightly at the twin looks on their faces.

"I've been there before and I was better prepared for it this time," she replied cryptically. "He needed four stitches after I busted his lip in retaliation for shoving me. Sadly though, that was a turn on for him and he knew I could take it."

Steve and James' fists tightened at the same time, the metallic whir of James' bionic fingers echoing through the room. She gave a small laugh and held up her hands. "Down, boys," she murmured. "By 'force' I actually meant how many men ambushed us. It wasn't just Brock. I don't actually even think Brock was there." She shook her head.

"He wasn't. There was no sign of him on the security camera footage from the lobby that we pulled," Steve agreed. "The question now is, did you two take out his entire team or can he get others?"

"Depends if he's smart enough to work with Hydra to get hold of James or not," she replied and Steve groaned. That was a whole new kettle of fish that he hadn't even thought about.

"I think he's too proud for that," James said, shaking his head. "He wanted me dead. Their orders were 'kill the asset, get the girl'. He's got a single-minded obsession with Rory and I don't think he'd risk asking for help in case Hydra decided to take her in for double crossing them _and_ helping me."

"Good point," Rory agreed. "I think the best thing to do will be to set me up as bait – "

"You are not using yourself as bait," Steve said immediately, shaking his head as he cut her off. Rory folded her arm across her, pinning him with a dangerous stare. She cleared her throat.

"Uh, Steve? You're doing that thing again where you think you can tell me what to do," she said. Her voice was low and hard, and Steve knew he'd said the wrong thing again.

"You're still injured," he pointed out lightly and she laughed.

"And? I'm proposing using me as bait to draw him out so you and Sam can take him down quietly and efficiently," she explained the rest of her plan that Steve had cut off.

"And how do you want to do that? Walk around New York in broad daylight and wait until he comes for you?" Steve asked, rolling his eyes. There was a beat of silence and James shrugged.

"That's actually, probably the most efficient way to do it," he said and Steve realized he was right. "It's not like he'll waste time if he thinks she's alone."

"We can have Sam above, looking over everything. I can be on foot a little behind, Tony can run surveillance, make sure we're not attracting attention of anyone we shouldn't be…" He glanced at James but didn't say anything,

"Don't even think about leaving me here, Punk." James shook his head defiantly. Steve hesitated, the name throwing him ever so slightly. "I won't do it."

"James…" Rory started but he held up his hand.

"No," he said firmly. "I'm not being left out of this. That son of a bitch is dangerous and the more heavy hitters you have looking out for you, the safer it'll be," he argued, his eyes blazing. Rory chewed on a nail and looked at Steve. He seemed to be thinking hard about something and he met her gaze.

"I supposed we are going to need someone to drive us back. We can't exactly carry Rumlow from Central Park to the Tower," he reasoned. "You can drive, right?"

James' eyes narrowed.

"I taught you. I remember that much."

Steve grinned. "So that's a no then. You were fucking terrible."

James let out a snort and shook his head.

"Then that's it then. That's the plan," Rory said, smiling at them both. Steve smiled at her, a gentle smile that made her chest tighten.

"I guess it is," he agreed. "We'll rendezvous with Sam to narrow down the logistics. The quicker we pull this off the easier it's going to be for everyone." He cleared his throat. He didn't want to happen too fast because the quicker they eliminated Rumlow, the sooner she and James would be gone.

"Less chance he has of pulling together another team," James agreed.

Rory nodded and yawned, her whole body feeling tired and heavy. The pain was gone at least but drowsiness was no way to function in the middle of the day.

"I wish this arm would heal," she muttered as she stifled a second yawn.

"Doctor Cho said it was healing nicely when I asked. The serum is working like it should," Steve replied and she opened an eye to look at him.

"You asked her about me?"

"Just how you were going. I haven't seen you in a few weeks, I didn't think you'd actually answer me if I asked," he replied, sadness tinting his words.

"Oh."

"What serum?" James asked before she could say anything else and she glanced at him, realizing she'd never actually told him about that either.

"Uh, well… my grandparents each took a version of the serum Steve was dosed with and it transferred genetically to myself and my siblings," she explained as simply as she could. "Then when I… when I was taken and hurt by Hydra, they used the remainder to accelerate healing and it kinda stayed in my blood." She glanced at Steve, watching the pain cross his face as the same memories invaded his mind like they were hers.

"Wait, so you're a superhero too?" James asked and she shook her head.

"No, a little stronger and more durable than the average person but nothing like you or Steve. I'll probably look 25 for a few more years, which is nice." She laughed and James smiled.

"It's a good age to be frozen at." He rubbed his cheeks and grinned.

Steve let out a snort.

"You're 27."

"And yet, I still look younger than you."

Rory watched Steve's eyebrows disappear into his hairline and then he laughed. It was a sound she hadn't heard him make in such a long time and happiness erupted in her chest.

Hope wasn't lost for the man he wanted back. Every now and then, flashes of Bucky Barnes came to the surface and all they had to do was encourage them. Keep them safe. She was glad she was helping them both in a way because bringing Bucky back was exactly how she was going to make up for the 2 years she'd taken from Steve.

* * *

It was raining the day they decided to put their plan into action but that actually was a good thing. Rain meant less people in Central Park where they would hopefully apprehend Brock Rumlow. It also meant the streets weren't as crowded as they would normally have been so there were fewer places for his team to hide. All Rory had to do was walk the streets around the Tower – like a woman enjoying her freedom – and Sam's little flying drone would scan the crowd for anyone acting suspiciously. Tony assured them that people kept to a very specific pattern when tailing someone and that the drone would find it.

Sam was to be monitoring from up high on the platform of the Tower, James was going to be walking the streets separate to Rory, and Steve was the end game in Central Park. At all points of time they would have eyes on Rory and with so few of them everyone was confident things would go to plan.

Being out of the tower was nice too, despite the rain. It was cool and refreshing and Rory was just glad to stretch her legs. She kept herself hidden by an umbrella like most of the people in the street and no one looked her way for a second. The one thing that could definitely be counted on in New York was anonymity.

" _Redwing's picked up on someone following you, Dugan. About a block behind,_ " Sam's voice came to her around the 30 minute mark.

"Redwing _?_ " she murmured back in disbelief.

" _Beth named him. It's kinda cute. Dude has a grey hoodie on, hood up."_

She heard James give a snort at the name but then he cleared his throat.

" _I see him. Can't see his face,_ " he agreed.

Rory stopped at a red light and looked around, keeping her glances short and sharp but there he was. Even without seeing his face the overall size and shape of the figure was right for Brock.

"I can't get a look at his face," she muttered, shielding her face with the umbrella again. "I'm going to go and get a coffee," she said, looking at the Starbucks in front of her. The light changed green and she stepped off the curb. "See if he follows me there."

" _We've got eyes on you, dol,._ " James assured her and she forced herself to breath.

She ordered her coffee, gripping her umbrella tightly in her hands.

"Anything?" she asked Sam as she stood to the side and waited for her name – Maggie – to be called.

" _He's out front,_ " Sam replied. " _Watching the entrance. James, you see him?"_

" _I see him_."

" _Redwing scans him at 6'1, 210 pounds. Walks like a killer. It's about 80% sure he's our guy."_

" _80% isn't enough for me, Sam,_ " Steve spoke finally and she could hear in his voice that it was killing him to now have eyes on the situation. He was in Central Park by now, getting into position at the Bethesda Terrace.

Rory took her coffee and went to the creamer station, glancing out of the windows.

"I'm ready to leave. Which way do I go?" she asked, readying her umbrella again.

" _Head right when you leave the doors_." James replied. " _He's a half block to the left, opposite side of the street. See if you can catch a glimpse but don't let him block you off_."

"Yessir," she muttered a salute and stepped onto the street. The warmth of her coffee seeped into her fingers and she took a sip as she looked around. "Where are you?" she asked around the cup.

" _Your right, half a block, same side of the road. Don't worry, you won't see me."_

"As long as you can see me," she murmured.

" _That I can promise,"_ he replied and she smiled softly.

Sure enough, there was a 6'1 man in a grey hoodie standing and watching the Starbucks entrance. Her eyes caught his and for a moment she couldn't move. There was something wrong with his face but she couldn't make out what as it was still obscured in shadow by the hood. He lifted his hand and waved, a smile pulling at what little face she could see. At least she thought it was a smile. It could have been a snarl.

"It's him," she said as she shielded herself with the umbrella and hurried down the street. "He made contact."

" _Keep walking. Enter the park. Stick to the plan,_ " Steve said calmly.

" _I've got eyes on you. Steve, you in position?_ " Sam asked.

" _Yeah, I'm at the Terrace. Make sure you come down the Mall. I'll see you easily."_

"Roger that," she nodded.

The footpaths of the park were wet as she hurried along them and her boots were soaked through in a matter of moments but soon she was approaching the Terrace and Steve was telling her he could see her.

" _He still behind me?"_ she asked, her breath coming out in short gasps.

" _Yup. I got you, keep walking,_ " Steve replied. It comforted her and she slipped down the stairs of the terrace and out of the rain.

For 5, long minutes all she could hear was the sound of the rain and occasionally the rapid footsteps of someone passing by, hurrying to get out of the wet. Her heartbeat hammered in her chest and she fought the urge to reach for her gun. She sipped her coffee slowly, trying to look as casual as she could.

" _Relax, sweetheart. You look tense. You're meant to be out for a stroll, remember?"_ Steve's voice was soft and she let loose a shaking breath forcing herself to park her ass on the bench in the middle of the terrace. It was cold in there and she shivered, forcing herself to breathe. " _I'm just outside the pillars when you're facing the fountain_ ," he told her.

She glanced toward the fountain and nodded.

" _He's just standing at the top of the stairs, same way you came._ " Sam spoke and the back of Rory's neck prickled. She swung her head around and held her breath. " _Wait, he's moving…"_ There was a pause. " _Steve you're gonna have to move. He's doing a perimeter check…_ "

She heard the shuffle of boots and then Steve crept in past her. Their eyes met and he gave a wink, ever the cool and casual Captain America. His shield was slung over his back, even though he was only in a black hoodie and jeans. It was a stark contrast between the two people he was.

" _He's coming down the right side stairs._ "

" _James, go back to the car, I don't want to be here long. I'm going to take him out as soon as I can…_ " Steve breathed.

James gave a grunt of acknowledgment, which Rory found surprising but she guessed he agreed. A quick takedown was a good one, especially in a public place where anyone could see the.

" _He's at the bottom of the stairs."_

Rory looked to her left and could see the grey hooded figure looking around. She heard Steve's footsteps skitter as he made for the arches and when she looked she found him out of sight behind one.

" _He's moving…_ "

Brock passed by the arches slowly, looking every bit like a man out for a walk but she knew he was circling her like a predator. Rory's heart raced tripled when he disappeared from sight.

" _Heading back up the left."_

Steve ducked around the pillar and walked back past Rory. Their eyes met again.

"We're gonna get this son of a bitch, sweetheart," he promised in a low voice and she nodded.

"Of course we will,"she agreed, watching him disappear out of the terrace again.

For another 5 tense minutes she sat and forced herself to drink her coffee, all while trying not to think about what he might be doing.

" _What's he doing, Sam?_ " Steve asked.

" _Standing at the steps just looking in…_ "

"He's taunting me," Rory replied, looking to the roof. "He knows I know he's there and he wants to see if I make a run for it."

" _Prick – Wait, he's moving again. Down the steps… Lost the visual…_ "

But Rory gained it as he came into view.

" _Breath, doll. You've fought him once. You can do it again_."James spoke to her in Russian and she sucked in a deep breath. She heard footsteps and dropped her head, pretending to look at the coffee in her hands.

"I was wondering if I was going to have to do some Prince Charming type bullshit to get you out of that tower, Cupcake _."_

His voice broke the silence as he approached and she looked up. There was something different about his voice. It was deeper, full of gravel and spite.

"I got shot by one of your guys," she replied coolly, gesturing to her shoulder. "First time I've been able to get away."

He walked to the other end of the Terrace and looked out at the fountain ahead.

"Yeah, I saw what you and that bastard asset did to my crew," he growled, glancing around. "I'm surprised he's not here, following you around like the little lap dog you turned him into."

"I didn't turn him into anything." She shook her head. She stood, rising to her feet carefully. "I'm surprised to see you alive, Brock," she said, keeping him distracted while Steve got into position.

"Can't keep me away from you, beautiful." He shrugged, turning to face her. The hood shifted and she gasped as his chin and cheek came into view. They were marred with deep, angry scars and they contorted his lip in a funny way. A chill ran through her as flashes of Zemo's scarred face grinning down at her played through her mind.

His hand came up and touched his cheek. He turned away, toward where Steve was hiding.

"I ain't as pretty as I used to be. I'm working on it. Hope you don't mind," he said in a muffled voice.

"Let me see," she murmured and he turned to look at her. Slowly he pushed the hoodie away and she fought the urge to recoil. His face was pockmarked with burns and scars and a line of stitches around his eye made it look sunken and hollow.

"I saw you try and come after me, cupcake. When the building fell, I saw you try and get to me. To save me," he said and stepped toward her. Steve started moving again. "I was so mad at you, I wanted to kill you and I thought you might actually kill me…" He gave a laugh. "But when you thought I was dead I heard you scream for me…"

She swallowed and blinked, adrenalin dumping into her system like a toxic wave. Her hands shook violently and she clutched the coffee cup hard enough to buckle the cardboard.

"The building was collapsing. If anyone got to kill you it was going to be me."

Rumlow laughed at that.

"That's my girl," he chuckled. He rolled his neck, something in his eyes snapping from warm to cold and when he looked at her again she took a step back. There was a predatory glint in his eye and his hands were moving in his pockets. "Which is why I'm hurt, babe." He clenched his teeth and fidgeted, stepping first toward her and then away. "You told me he meant nothing to you… You told me that you and him were done…"

Rory frowned, lowering her hand slowly to the weapon on her hip.

"Me and who?" she asked gently, her first thought being James.

"Captain _fucking_ America."

She drew a breath and fought to keep her face neutral.

"Why do you think we're not done?" she asked, her voice wavering only slightly. She couldn't see Steve moving in the distance anymore and she hoped he'd only moved out of her line of sight.

"Because I know he's fucking here. I'm not an idiot, Roar. I know what you're trying to do," he snarled, his face twisting grotesquely. She shook right down to her core as it rifled through her memories like a rake and disturbed some she'd rather forget. "I know he's been in that building with you. I've been watching and waiting and I _know_ he still loves you…" His voice had turned dangerous and low and Rory clenched her jaw. "But do you know who else I saw?"  
He asked and when she didn't say anything he stepped toward her and screamed at her "ANSWER ME! _Do you know who else I saw_?"

"Who… Who did you see?" she asked, swallowing hard. Her eyes glanced at where his hands were buried in his pockets. He could have anything in there. She wasn't armed for this. She had a gun on her and her knives. Her shoulder throbbed painfully, reminding her why she couldn't use those properly but she would if she had to.

"That fucking _Asset_ ," he hissed.

Rory didn't need to hear anymore to know that their plan and been blown open but before she could move away from him he reached for her, grabbing her in equally scarred hands.

"Oh no you don't. You see, I called some people; made a very convincingly distressed phone call to NYPD's finest and made sure to say that _The Winter Soldier is in a car near Central Park, he's got a gun!_ " his voice went bright and false and high pitched.

" _Fuck_."

" _How did he –"_

" _Bucky get out of the car and run NOW!_ "

"If Hydra didn't know where he was before, Cupcake. They sure do now." Brock grinned and she struggled against his grip. Her shoulder sang with pain as she lifted her palm and drove it across his cheek, hard enough to swing his head all the way to the side. "Oh that's definitely what I've missed. The fire. The passion." He was still grinning when he looked back at her. "You set this up so that Hydra gets what they want with The Asset and I get you." He pulled her in close and pressed his lips to her ear. "I'm going to have some fun with you."

"Put her down, Rumlow," Steve's voice was loud and commanding and it echoed around the Terrace. Brock laughed and straightened up, turning his head to Steve.

"Ah, the Great Captain America. Just can't admit that it's over between you two, huh?"

Steve's fists clenched. His shield was on his back but he hadn't reached for it yet.

"Kind of like you, I guess," he said dryly.

"Oh no, I know what I have. Just gotta remind her about it." Brock's grip tightened. "But now you have to figure out who you're going to help – her or your best friend –" The distant wail of sirens left Rory's blood running cold. "I can promise you, those aren't NYPD's finest after him."

"Steve, go and help James!" she yelled and she could see the conflict raging within him. "I can take him, just _go_."

" _Don't you dare leave her there, Steve. I am fine_ ," James growled back through their coms and Rory knew Steve heard it.

" _Steve don't worry I got it. I got James_." Sam's voice was the deciding factor and it took Steve only a second to make his decision. In a swift move he pulled his shield from his back and swung it like a discus. It bounced off the columns in the Terrace and Rory heard the sickening _thunk_ as it connected with the back of Brock's head.

He dropped like a sack of bricks and took her with him but Steve was there, scooping up both her and his shield a second later. He pressed her against his chest, holding her as far away from Brock as he could while he assessed if the man was still conscious.

"He hasn't sent anyone here. He separated us," Steve breathed. "He knew I'd have to make a choice."

"He wasn't counting on us having Sam. C'mon, we need to go help them," she pulled on his side, unable to stand looking at the scared face of her ex lover.

Their hands were clasped tightly together as they sprinted across Central Park. Through their coms they could hear Sam and James trading orders and fighting off too many foes to name.

"Sam! Sam where are you?" Steve barked.

A groan and a grunt sounded before Sam replied.

" _First Ave, near the hospital. Sticking to back alleys. Can't go high, there's a chopper."_

"Buck?"

" _I'm with him Steve, don't worry,"_ James replied and Rory felt the breath of relief as it left Steve's lungs.

" _Steve, we're ahead of them for now but they're armed and I don't think they're taking hostages today,_ " Sam reported. " _Civilian lives are the least of their problems._ "

"We're heading for the car, don't worry ok we're coming." Steve changed their direction and headed to the alley where they'd parked the SUV that they were supposed to use to bring Brock back in.

Rory skidded to a halt when she saw four agents standing by it, each armed

"You good to take the two on the left?" Steve asked, his eyes flicking to her shoulder and back and she nodded.

"It's gonna hurt but what's a little pain, huh?" she asked and he snorted, kissing the back of her hand before dropping it and launching himself into the alley.

They were on them before any of the agents had a chance to lift their guns, rendering them useless. Rory delivered a swift uppercut to the one furthest from her before turning to see where the other was. She twisted out of his way at the last second, twisting before whipping out a leg in a turning kick to the ribs.

He gave a shout of pain as he staggered into a dumpster and Rory left him for the moment. The second agent was coming for her and instead of stepping back like he expected she delivered a blur of strikes and counter strikes that he managed to only half block. Her shoulder sang with pain but she grit her teeth and ignored it for the minute.

"Aurora, watch –"

She gasped out as she was shoved forward from behind, losing both her knives and she ducked under the arm of the second agent as the first drove forward. She slipped out of their reach just as agent one made to grab and he ended up with his hands across the face of his partner. She ducked back, kicking agent one hard enough in the back of the leg to have him down on the ground and her booted foot came down over his temple. His eyes rolled back and his body went lax.

She turned to the second agent again and they circled each other for several seconds. He was bigger than her and thought he had the advantage but the bigger they were the harder they usually fell.

He drew his handgun and Rory moved like water, stepping to the side and gripping his wrist with both hands. She turned her back on him, pulling down on both his wrists as she drove her shoulder up into his forearm. She heard the break in both ulnas' seconds before he let out a scream and the gun clattered to the floor.

She swooped down and picked it up, turning on her heel to point it between his eyes. She cocked the hammer and took aim.

"Aurora! NO!" Steve yelled, his voice muffled by her breathing and it took her a few seconds to hear what he was saying. "Get in the car," he ordered and she looked from the broken man kneeling in front of her to Steve. "Do not shoot him, get in the car!" He gestured to the open door. "That's a fucking _order_."

Rory sucked in a breath and held it as she kicked the agent viciously in the face. She turned and scooped up her knives before she slid into the car, clicking the safety on the gun back into place. She focused on her breathing again as Steve slammed the door, willing it to slow down.

Steve jumped behind the wheel and revved the engine before he pulled the car out into the sparse New York traffic.

"What the hell was that?" he demanded as they drove and she looked at him with mild surprise.

"What?" she asked, leaning back in her seat and pressing a hand to her shoulder. It ached something horrible but the adrenalin in her blood was helping with the pain.

"That execution that I almost witnessed!" Steve growled. She rolled her eyes.

"He would have done the same and not hesitated, Steve," she replied, not opening her eyes. "I hesitated."

"That's because he's Hydra."

"So was I, or did you forget that?" she snarled back. "It's what you have to do to survive."

Steve swore and glared out of the front windshield.

"You… can't just…" he seethed and clenched his teeth, not saying another word to her. She was fine with that. She concentrated on what was happening on the other end of her coms. "Sam, we need a rendezvous point."

Grunts and groans came from the other end of the line.

So did bickering.

" _WHERE ARE YOUR TACTICS?!"_

" _I was using tactics."_

" _Care to fill me in next time?"_

There was a pause and a grunt and the sound of bone crunching beneath a metal fist.

" _No_ ," James sniffed and Rory fought to stifle a groan.

"James, bud? Be nice to Sam ok?" she said. "You need to get him out alive."

" _Hey! I resent that you think I can't get myself out of this, Dugan,_ " Sam growled at her. Steve huffed a laugh and shook his head. " _We managed to lose them in East Harlem…_ "

"We're five minutes out from there," Steve muttered, swinging the car around through a red light.

"By lose them, do you mean: beat them to a bloody pulp?" Rory asked.

" _More or less,_ " James agreed. She laughed and shook her head.

They picked them up in East Harlem at a parking yard on E 125th Street. They parked there for a moment while they tried to figure out where to go next.

"We can't stay in New York," Rory said as she turned herself around in the front seat to look at Sam and James in the back. "And unfortunately, you and Steve are wanted men," she gave Sam an apologetic look.

"Ah hell, don't worry about it. I've been 'wanted' since D.C." He shrugged, giving that easy grin she was coming to love. "The thing is, where do we go once we're out of the city?" he asked and Rory shrugged.

"I honestly don't know." She glanced at Steve, who was still staring out of the windshield of the car. "Any ideas?"

He looked at her then, his eyes still clouded with anger and she knew he was still stuck back in the alley. She tried not to dwell on his anger too much. She was doing what she'd been trained to do for the past 2 years. Her reactions were something she could control, unlike a lot of other things in her life right now.

"Boston," he said quietly and she frowned.

"Boston?" She asked. Her old hometown. A place she'd been so homesick for for such a long time.

Steve nodded.

"Your grandparents never sold the house," he said in a voice barely above a whisper and her eyebrows shot into her hairline.

"Excuse me, _what_?"

She'd been devastated to learn that they'd sold her childhood home. She'd never said goodbye to the place that would always be her home. How on earth did Steve know they never sold it?

"They _technically_ sold it, had a sleeper family move in when they moved out. Secretly, it's a safehouse for if any of us needed it," he explained and Rory's eyes narrowed.

"Why didn't they tell me?" she asked and Steve shrugged.

"I don't know. They wanted you to stay in New York?" he suggested but Rory knew it wasn't a suggestion.

"You talk to them every day. You know more than I do about my own family," she stated, her fingers curling into fists at her sides. Steve looked down at her and sighed. "Why didn't _you_ tell me?"

"There was kind of a lot going on, Aurora. I kind of –"

"That is _not_ the point, Steve! They're my family! Not yours!" she exclaimed. Sam cleared his throat from the back seat.

"We should really start to –"

His words were overridden by the looming argument in the front seat.

"You left them, Aurora. You left me. They helped me through that and they are as much my family as they are yours!" Steve slammed his hands on the steering wheel.

"I left because of you _and_ because ofthem, but I supposed the Commando's always stick together," she said bitterly, scowling hard. She threw the door open and got out, pacing away from the car as anger flooded her system.

That anger wasn't just directed at Steve. She was angry with herself as well. Angry for leaving, angry for losing touch with those she cared most about and angry that she was mentally slipping closer and closer to the person she'd once be.

She had been scared on the mission today. Scared of Brock and scared of what could happen. She hadn't been scared in a very long time because 'scared' wasn't an emotion she'd let herself feel.

She heard gravel crunching under boots and she whipped around to face who she thought was Steve. Instead, James stood in front of her, his steely eyes watching her every movement.

"Do you want to leave alone?" he asked in a low voice and she hesitated, caught between nodding and shaking her head. Finally she folded her arms.

"No. We need to get out of the city," she reasoned. "We'll be better equipped if we stay with them." James nodded.

"Then you need to put whatever it is that's going on aside and get back in the car so we can leave," he said and Rory knew he was right. He turned as she started to walk back to the car and he got into the front seat beside Steve.

Rory hesitated for a moment before she opened the back door and settled herself into the SUV. Sam caught her eye and he flashed her a smile.

"Sorry Sam," she muttered. Steve loosed a breath and started the engine, peeling out into the New York traffic with ease.

"Don't worry about it. If you need to talk about anything, I'm here." He offered and she nodded and settled into the seat for the 3 and a half hour trip.

* * *

Author's Note:

Sorry this is late. I had dinner with a friend last night and didn't get home til late. Hope you enjoy it!

Playlist:

Get Up - TJ Stafford

Present Past Future - Beware of Darkness

You Drove me To It - Hell is for Heroes


	15. Vivacious

Metanoia

Chapter 15: Vivacious

**An amendment has been made to a mistake made over chapters 13 & 14\. Please reread them. Peggy never told Rory about the safehouse, so her angry reaction makes more sense. I apologise for the confusion**

* * *

"So how do we know this place isn't going to be watched by Hydra?" Sam asked about an hour into the very tense and awkward drive. No one had said a word since leaving New York and they'd left the radio off after Steve and Rory had bickered about which station to listen to. James had been the one to break the knob, sending them both a dark glare as if telling them to get over it. No one had said a word since that moment.

"Because Peggy and Dugan very publically moved out and a sleeper family has been living there happily ever since. Tony regularly sweeps it for bugs and when I spoke to him this morning he assured me that it's clean," Steve replied, rolling his shoulders.

"You were planning on heading to Boston this morning?" she asked bitterly, still pissed about not being told anything. Steve met her eyes in the rearview mirror.

"I needed a backup plan for if things went south and we had to get you both out of New York," he replied. She scowled and looked out of the window.

"We need to stop and get supplies," Rory said. "We have nothing – clothes, food or weapons."

"We have no money either," Sam pointed out from the back.

"Money is easily obtained," she replied and Sam gave a laugh.

"You want to steal it?"

"Not shoplift, we'd never get away properly. We're going to borrow a credit card which I'll give back as soon as we're done and then have Tony wire whoever it belongs to some money from my account," Rory promised innocently. She pointed to a sign. "There's a Walmart in Rocky Hill. We can pick up another car there as well, just in case this one is being tailed," she finished, daring anyone to disagree with her.

Sam let out an impressed whistle.

"Not a bad plan there, Dugan."

"Not a half bad idea at all," Steve agreed, much to her surprise. She felt something in her relax slightly at that.

He did as asked, pulling into the Rocky Hill Walmart parking lot 20 minutes later. Rory unbuckled her seatbelt and opened the door.

"I'll be half an hour at most, scout out a new car and be ready to go as soon as I –"

"You're not going by yourself." Steve shook his head and Rory raised an eyebrow.

"It'll be quicker. I know what we need and –"

"What if we have been tailed, huh? What if the last three cars to pull in here behind us were Hydra?" He pointed out and she looked around.

"I really don't think Hydra are driving around in a Tercel, a Buick or a Volvo, Steve," she pointed out and he gave her a stone-faced look. She rolled her eyes when she met his gaze again. "Fine. Sam, you're with me. You and James find a car, ok?" She smiled sweetly and slammed the door.

Sam gave a sigh and followed her across the carpark.

"So when are you and Steve gonna start seeing eye to eye?" he asked gently and she sighed.

"Not anytime soon," Rory answered shortly. "I'm sorry about the arguing. He just really drives me insane, you know?"

"Oh, I know." Sam laughed. "He's about the most buttheaded person I know," he agreed and Rory grinned. "But he does it because he cares."

"Yeah," Rory murmured, looking back at Sam. "Sometimes I wish he didn't – Oh I'm so sorry, Sir!" Her shoulder collided with a man who had been walking in front of them. She reached out to steady him, slipping a hand into his jacket as she flashed him a dazzling smile. She lifted his wallet as he stammered back a reply.

"That's ok, ma'am. I wasn't watching where I was going."

She dropped her gaze coyly, letting him head into Walmart before her.

As soon as he was inside she held up the credit card and Sam's jaw dropped in horror and awe.

"Holy shit –"

"We have 25 minutes before he gets back to the register and finds someone has handed his wallet in," she hushed Sam and grabbed a cart. "By the time he sees the double transaction it won't be worth chasing up. I promise the money will be returned to him as soon as possible."

"That is… That _is_ …" He was lost for words as he laughed again.

"C'mon Sam." She laughed and tugged on his arm.

They ran around Walmart picking out essentials – a few backpacks, some clothes for all four of them and then finally some food.

"I'm hoping Pa left his weapons locker at the house because we can't risk the background check that it'll take to buy from here," she murmured as Sam scanned things into the self serve. She kept a studious eye out for any agents on their tail but so far it was a pretty average Walmart crowd.

"If it's a safehouse then he would have, surely," Sam agreed. "Can you give him a call to find out?"

"I'll get Steve to call. He seems to know more than me anyway." She scowled and Sam shook his head.

"You know, they only took him in because he was their connection to you, don't you?" he said gently and Rory made a face.

"They took him in because they've known him longer than me. He was Grandma's first love, Pa's friend and Captain. He _is_ their family and always has been," Rory said with great reluctance. "I still had a damned right to know what was going on with them though," she added.

Sam nodded. "I know that." He picked up some of the bags and Rory collected the others. "But there was a lot going on that he had to focus on. Just don't hold it against him, ok?"

Rory rolled her eyes but said nothing. She took the wallet out of her pocket and went to the door girl. s

"Hey, I found this wallet by the registers," She said as she held the leather wallet out.

"Oh my _gosh_ thank you!" The girl looked surprised that someone had done something so decent. "I'll page the guy now, hopefully he's still here. Thank you!"

Rory smiled and beckoned Sam to follow.

"Where did a nice girl like you learn an awful trick like that?" He asked as they peered around the parking lot.

"I had some questionable teenage rebellion around age 15. I blame Stark." She shrugged. Sam laughed.

A horn caught their attention and they both looked up in time to see a white Ford F150 pickup coming toward them.

"Not a bad ride," she murmured as it pulled to a stop. She slung the bags over the tray and opened the back door to the small cab.

"Could be worse," Sam agreed and followed her inside.

* * *

The Dugan family home in West Roxbury hadn't looked like it had changed at all from the outside. There were still two tall hedges that ran across the front and along the drive; a path that went from the mailbox to the front door, which bisected away to join the driveway and the small porch still had the creeping vine that flowered something white that smelled so lovely in the summer. There was even the rocking chair that Dugan had sat on in the evenings to read the paper.

It was inside that was different. Rory felt the heartbreaking sense of longing the moment she opened the door and looked around to see bare walls, bare floors and smelled the cleaning solution and pine instead of the smell of home.

All pictures of her family were gone, instead replaced by people she didn't know. There was a grand piano in the sitting room off to the left that hadn't been there before and where a coat rack had once stood there was a hip height vase with tall, flowing reeds that brushed against her jacket as she walked past.

"There're four bedrooms and two bathrooms upstairs. Pa's study is off the kitchen, to the right. Living room and dining room are to the left…" Rory rattled off as she placed her backpack on the stairs. Her heart ached as she tried not to think about her entire life in this house being gone.

"What's security like on this place?" James asked, shifting his backpack off his shoulders as he looked around the entrance warily.

"Stark outfitted it even before Peg and Dugan decided to leave," Steve spoke and Rory studiously avoided his gaze. "It's internally controlled from the study so it's the safest place we have. It was never on SHIELD's books as a safe house. This is exclusive to family only."

"And family still didn't know about it," she couldn't help but add. She picked up her pack and started up the stairs. "Rooms are this way." She gestured but she didn't see the point in leading them around by their hands. Only James followed her and she set him up in the room that was connected to her old one via the bathroom.

She looked around her room in a slow circle.

The walls were bare and empty and she wondered where all her stuff had ended up. The bedding on the bed was strange and unfamiliar and the room smelled nothing like what she remembered. The only thing that was the same was the view and the lilac color of the walls.

A knock sounded at the door and she abandoned her analysis of everything that had changed to answer it. She was surprised to find Steve on the other side.

"Hey?" Rory said with a small degree of uncertainty. "What's up?"

Steve cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair, a sign that he was struggling with something internal. Her stomach formed a knot. She didn't want to fight with him again.

"I just wanted to apologize for not telling you about this place, and that I was talking to your family every day…" he grit out, clearing his throat before meeting her gaze. "That wasn't fair of me."

"No," she said softly. "But I suppose I deserved it," she admitted and Steve's eyes widened in surprise. She opened the door wider. "I'm sorry I almost shot that agent today." She turned around and headed back into her room, an invitation for Steve to join her.

He did, shutting the door softly behind him and she stood in the middle of the room watching him. He leant against the closed door.

"I'm surprised," he said gently. "You've never been a killer."

"I kind of had to be for Hydra," Rory said with a grimace. "I guess in the heat of the moment I forgot that I didn't need to be anymore."

"No, you didn't." He shook his head. "It's not the first time recently that you've surprised me by being someone you're not."

Rory let out a small laugh.

"But I am, Steve. Now I am anyway." She folded her arms across herself. "Like I said to Maggie, I'm not the same person I was when I left. Things changed me. I changed me."

"I didn't think you could change that much," he said. A pained expression crossed his face and Rory's nose itched like she was about to cry. She grit her teeth against it, running a hand through her hair. She gripped the back of her neck before she answered, as if holding herself together.

"But I needed to and I'm not sorry for it. I'm stronger now, more decisive. I'm still working on the temper though." She smiled and he laughed.

"I don't think you could ever change that." He shook his head. "If anything it's gotten worse."

"Yeah well, I had to match the people I was surrounded by. It came in handy a few times," she said. Steve lifted his head, leaning back against the door lazily.

"You going ok being back here?" he asked. Rory looked around.

"It's sad to see my home gone," she admitted. "I can't help but feel like this is my fault."

Steve shrugged.

"In a way it is," he agreed. "But I secretly think Dugan was itching to get back into SHIELD whatever way he could."

"That sounds like Pa."

"So don't completely blame yourself."

"Good to know." She smiled. Steve watched her for a moment longer before he spoke again.

"How are you doing after seeing Rumlow today?"

Rory frowned, Rumlow scared and battered face entering her mind. She shivered, unable to hide it and she shook her head.

"He reminded me of Zemo," she admitted and Steve nodded.

"Me too."

Rory grit her teeth.

"I'm starting to see a pattern in my life, Steve, where I'm pursued by scarred psychopaths who have an unhealthy obsession with me," she said and Steve laughed loudly. He clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle it but it didn't work. She couldn't help but laugh too. "I think I'll be ok though," she added and he nodded.

"I hope so. I was worried when I saw him because it made me think – " he cut himself off. "It reminded me of that and I know how badly that affected you then." He cleared his throat, continuing before she could say anything. "But you're a stronger person now, so of course you'll be ok."

She wasn't 100% sure on that just yet, but she appreciated his concern. They had been through that awful moment in time together; it was only natural for Zemo's scarred face to haunt Steve as well.

"I appreciate your worry," Rory said to him. "I'll let you know if I'm in any trouble."

"Sweetheart, you've been in trouble since you got back." He laughed again and she tried to glare at him, ending up unsuccessful. "As long as you're ok."

He put his hand on the doorknob and suddenly Rory didn't want him to go. She wanted him to stay and sit with her so they could just keep talking like they used to.

But she didn't stop him and Steve didn't stop himself, even though for a moment it looked like he might.

"Get some sleep, Steve," she told him as he stepped out of her room. His blue eyes found hers and neither moved for longer than they should have. Those eyes, those lovely blue eyes that she had missed like a hole in the head studied her with such worry and affection that it took her breath away.

She was dizzy when they broke their gaze.

"As long as you do too," he replied and then he was gone, the door swinging closed behind him.

Rory sat on her bed, her mind mentally trying to catch up with the last 12 hours.

She didn't know how long she could keep yo-yoing back and forth between being angry enough to want to hurt Steve and missing him enough that it hurt her instead.

Trying to remind herself why she'd backed off in the first place helped some. She didn't think they would ever be back where they were again but at least he was in her life in some way. That alone was all she wanted right now. It was all she could handle.

* * *

Four days passed with no major incidences – the Hydra type or between the quartet. Mostly they stuck to separate sides of the house: Steve and Sam taking up residence in the study while James and Rory stuck to their rooms. Occasionally James left to do a perimeter check and Rory went down to the study to see if there was anything she could do, but there never was. Tony's promise that the house was safe was true and it felt nice to feel secure again.

It was almost a week before they found time for the four of them to sit down in the same room together. Natasha was on the stand in front of the Department of Defence and they were all watching with baited breath, wondering why on earth the most elusive woman they all knew was putting her face all over the world.

"They're calling for her damn arrest," Sam muttered under his breath, reaching forward to place his empty beer bottle on the coffee table. Rory reached forward absently to place a coaster under it, her eyes glued to the TV screen.

" _You're not gonna put me in prison. You're not gonna put any of us in prison. You wanna know why?"_

"Now isn't the time to be a smartass, Nat." Steve groaned softly, sitting forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

" _Do enlighten us?"  
"Because you need us. Yes the world is a horrible place and yes we helped make it that way but we're also the only one's best qualified to defend it. So if you want to arrest me, arrest me. You'll know where to find me."_

Rory loosed a long breath through her teeth and watched a smirking Natasha stand and stride from the courtroom like hell in high heels.

"There you go, boys. America needs you." Rory laughed, a nervous sound coming from her throat. She finished her bottle of beer and placed it next to Sams'.

"According to Nat, it's the world that needs us." Steve shook his head in amusement.

"She's not half wrong." Rory replied. "She's blowing all her covers by doing this."

"She'll be fine." James said quietly from the armchair in the corner of the room. He was staring a point on the floor, his fingers trailing over his lips softly. Rory glanced at him, knowing that the look on his face meant he was lost in some kind of thought and she raised an eyebrow at him in an unspoken question.

His head dipped in a nod.

"I remember her," he said, closing his eyes. "But she wasn't Natasha Romanoff then."

"Oh?" Sam said with a frown.

"Natalia Alianovna. Red Room's finest."

" _Oh shit_ ," Sam said dumbly. He stood. "I think I might leave you to… uh…" He cleared his throat and picked up both the empty bottle of beer. "Excuse me." He disappeared from the room quickly, shutting the door between them and the kitchen.

James leant back in his seat, blinking rapidly.

"James?"

"I'm fine," he snapped, running a hand through his hair. "I'm fine." He gave Rory a grim smile as he opened his eyes.

"You sure Pal?" Steve asked gently. James looked from Rory and to his old friend. Their faces were both etched with identical concern. He was ok, mostly. He'd barely slept in 3 days and the only time he did was when he was on the bathroom floor with the door to Rory's room wide open. If she knew he slept there then she didn't say anything. If she didn't then he wasn't about to tell her. He just felt… safer somehow, being closer to her. There was nothing romantic behind it, he knew that she was Steve's girl through and through… she'd just done so much for him that she'd become this safe place for him to be. Besides, if he told himself that he was protecting her by keeping her in eyesight then it made him feel less like an idiot.

"James?"

Rory's soft voice and warm touch brought him back to the room.

"I'm ok. Really. I just remember… her. She was brilliant. Human, even in that horrible place," he said, his lips pulling in a smile. He was fairly sure they had had something together. He remembered the punishments they'd both received for it, but he didn't regret it. He hadn't then and he didn't now and he wondered if she remembered like he did.

"Where is she now?" Rory asked, looking over at Steve. James didn't miss the way Steve's eyes lingered on where her hand was wrapped around his on his knee, before the man looked up.

"Gone dark. Probably with Clint."

"Barton?" Rory frowned. "He's gone dark?"

Steve nodded. "Around the time you left. He resigned, took off. No one's heard from him since."

James felt Rory's hand tighten around his and heard her sharp intake of breath as her eyes narrowed in on the floor. He flicked his head around and pinned Steve with a look that said 'dumbass'.

Steve closed his eyes and let out a sigh.

"I didn't mean it like…"

Rory stood anyway, her hand sliding from James'. Steve reached for her, his hand catching her wrist

"Aurora, I didn't mean –"

"I know." She stopped beside him, her lips pulling into a thin line that looked forced. She pulled her wrist from his grasp. "Sam went and got real food yesterday. I think I might cook dinner," she added before disappearing from the room.

Steve let out a frustrated breath and buried his head in his hands.

"I can't win," he groaned and James chuckled softly.

"Of course not. You've always said the wrong things." He grinned as Steve lifted his head to glare at him. James held his hands up in defense. "How you ever landed a girl like that in the first place is beyond me."

"Fuck you too, jerk!" Steve exclaimed with a laugh.

James grinned.

"She'll come round, Steve." He cleared his throat. "That girl is crazy about you."

"She hates me." Steve shook his head. "For good reasons."

"Reasons that she understands. Give it time."

Steve was quiet for a long time, a small frown creasing his brow.

"What makes you say that?" he asked finally and James tore his eyes away from the TV screen.

"I can just tell."

* * *

" _I can just tell._ "

James' words echoed around Steve's mind as he rinsed the dinner dishes at the sink. He was watching them through the window, Aurora and James, as they sat flipping knives by the pool. He appeared to be teaching her something fancy with his smaller knife and she was laughing as she fumbled around trying to figure it out. It was the first time Steve had seen James laugh and it made him look younger, more relaxed. Exactly like Steve remembered.

It was good for him to laugh, Steve knew this, but he couldn't help but feel the tiniest bit jealous at the image they made. Both of them sitting close, their feet in the pool and their shoulders and legs touching. They looked… happy. Something Steve failed to make either of them.

"You stare any harder and you're going to crack the glass."

Sam's voice startled Steve and he splashed water down his front. Sam laughed. Steve swore.

"Nice. Real nice, Sam," he grouched, reaching for the dishtowel.

"I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not." He grinned. Steve shot him a glare and threw the dishcloth on the counter. "You wanna talk about what you were staring so hard at?" Sam asked as he craned his neck to look out of the window. "Ohhhh I think I know."

"Shut up, Sam," Steve muttered. "I was just watching what was going on," he shrugged. He glanced out of the window again, smiling lightly. "It's good to see him smiling." He paused. "It's good to see her smiling again too."

He gave a small laugh as Rory flipped the knife right into the pool and she and James watched it sink to the bottom.

"You worried?" Sam asked. "He's attractive, they've been through shit, they're rarely apart…" Steve didn't reply as he watched them argue about who was going to dive in and get the knife.

Rory kept gesturing to his arm and shaking her head. James kept rolling his eyes at her until finally he closed them and clapped a hand to cover his eyes as Rory shucked her sweatpants. The eye roll from Rory said it all and Steve laughed.

"Sometimes," he admitted, turning away as Rory dove into the water. "Do you think I should be?"

"Depends on whether or not you're ready to admit you're still in love with her?" Sam said easily. Steve didn't answer, so Sam continued. "Look, I didn't know you two before and ya'll tiptoe around each other like you're expecting a fight… but there's something there between you," he paused and looked outside. "And it's not between them." Sam tapped lightly on the glass. "He needs her, but not in the way you're thinking."

Sam sounded so sure and Steve almost believed him, but as he looked back at the pair in time to see James haul Rory from the pool with one hand. She laughed hard, falling against him as she did so. She proudly handed him the knife and James shook his head, a fond smile on his face.

"They speak in Russian when I'm around."

"He feels more comfortable with it," Sam waved a hand.

"She knows exactly what he's thinking, all the time. She knows him better than I do and he's my best friend."

" _Was_. He's not the same guy Steve, we've been over this."

Steve nodded sadly. He did know that. He wasn't actually sure if he was jealous of him or her anymore.

"It's just… it's hard, Sam. I've got them both back and I know neither of them." He cleared his throat, leaning against the counter top with both palms flat.

"I know man, I know." Sam nodded. "But she helped him. There's always going to be that between them but I'm like 99% sure it's not romantic in the slightest." He reasoned with a shrug, turning away to grab the door as Rory and James returned. "Have a nice swim?" He opened it for her with a laugh.

"Wasn't too bad. A bit brisk," she replied. Sam gave a grin and picked up his phone as it gave a shrill ring.

"This is Wilson?" he answered, leaving Rory dripping wet in the doorway.

"Hey! What about a towel!" Rory exclaimed with a laugh.

"I got it," Steve said, disappearing for a moment to grab a towel and when he returned, he held it out for her. She took it from him, her smile dazzling and bright.

"Thanks," she chirped. "It's still not quite warm enough to be all that enjoyable," Rory explained as she shivered.

"I bet." Steve smiled.

"I tried to tell her." James shook his head. "I could have gotten it."

"I'm still not 100% sure that your arm won't short circuit." She shook her head. James rolled his eyes.

"That's… that's not how it works."

"Let me check with Beth first, ok?" she suggested and James' eyebrows rose.

"Beth?" he asked, his eyes widening.

"Yeah… _Beth."_ a slow smile crept across Rory's face. "Or you can call her, if you like?"

Steve's eyebrows rose in surprise at the teasing tone in her voice. James' eyes narrowed and his ears went pink.

"Mozhet byt', ya"

" _Prosto day mne znat'"_

The two stared off for a moment, Rory's eyes sparkling as she teased him and James' narrowed almost dangerously. Only the smirk of his mouth gave him away.

Sam returned a moment later.

"That was Nat. She wanted to send us the coordinates to where she's going to be staying for a while," he explained. Steve frowned and checked his phone.

"She didn't try and call me?" he said, looking at Sam.

"No. I messaged her this afternoon to make sure she was ok after the trial." He shrugged. Steve smirked, his eye catching Rory's.

"Is that right, Sammy?" she smiled, nudging his shoulder.

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean, Dugan?" Sam elbowed her as she moved past him. She grinned, giving a small shrug.

"It just means that Nat has bite. Hope you can handle it." She laughed. Sam's mouth dropped open in surprise and he let out a huff of indignation.

"Are you saying I couldn't handle the Widow?" Sam asked, glancing at Steve.

Steve shrugged but it was James who answered.

"Birdboy, I created her and I couldn't handle her." He pushed off from the doorframe and helped himself to a drink of water.

" _Bird –_ Steve are you going to let them disrespect me?" Sam asked.

Steve threw up his hands. "Not my fight, man," he said simply, grinning at his friend.

" _Steve!_ Man. I thought we were a team!"

Rory laughed and ran the towel through her hair, sending the curls wild. Steve's fingers itched to run through the tangled mess. She glanced at him and did a double take as their eyes met. Steve's breath caught. They were the most vibrant shade of amber he'd seen in a long time.

"We might be a team Sam, but that doesn't mean what they're saying isn't truth." He tore his eyes from Rory's to look at Sam.

He laughed at Rory's triumphant "HAH!" as Sam groaned.

"Cold man. So cold," he muttered, before he disappeared from the kitchen. Steve laughed, feeling lighter than he had in a very long time.

* * *

Author's note: I do apologise for the delay on this one. I've had some rather tough life issues crop up at the moment and I have had very little time to do anything but deal with them. Hopefully I will be back to weekly updates but please forgive me if I miss a Monday here or there. Thank you.

Playlist:

Closer - The Chainsmokers & Halsey

You and I - Pvris

Used to - Mutemath


	16. Atychiphobia

Metanoia

Chapter 16: Atychiphobia

* * *

Something had woken Aurora and she stared at the ceiling, listening hard, as she tried to figure out what. The sounds of the street filtered in to her – a dog barking a few blocks over, the TV from next door playing some late night/early morning trash infomercial, nothing too out of the ordinary…but she was awake and she didn't know why.

She sat up, holding her breath as a creak sounded outside her door. There was a whispered voice and she looked across the room to the bathroom door that was wide open. James lay on the floor in the bathroom, where he had for the last week and a half. She never said anything, pretended like she didn't see him. She knew that this was his way of dealing with whatever it is that was going on in his head. She knew from past experience that PTSD sufferers always struggled to sleep normally for a while, this was merely something he needed to work through.

But whatever had woken her hadn't woken him and as she swung her legs off her bed she heard a whisper outside her door again.

" _I told you, she's sleeping."_

A pause.

" _Why don't you call back in a few hours? No I'm not…"_

She recognised the voice as Steve's and she loosed her breath, standing and walking to the door to open it. She met his blue eyes, which were wide with surprise, easily and watched them quickly changed to guilt.

" _Sorry_ ," he mouthed. "Hold on, hold on. She's here. We woke her. Can't promise she'll be nice…"

He held the phone out and Rory could hear someone squawking on the other end of the line.

"It's for you."

"Me?" She asked, taking the phone.

" _Nice? NICE!? She BLEW UP MY APARTMENT, ROGERS!"_

Her eyes widened as she placed the phone to her ear.

"Arthur!?" Rory gasped and Steve winced. Rory leant against her doorframe as her knees went weak.

" _You are the single hardest person to get a hold of, Dugan."_

The Brit's voice barked down the line at her and she held her breath.

Arthur, sweet, lovely Arthur who had done nothing but support her decision to leave. Arthur, who kept her secret for the last two years. Arthur, who loved her so terribly, even though she'd never fully returned for him ever.

She hadn't called him. She hadn't been game enough to. She'd broken his heart when she'd made him defy his friends to lie for her. If there was one person who had every reason in the world to never talk to her again, it was him.

"That's kind of the point," she replied, her nose aching as she held back tears. She blinked rapidly and sucked in a deep breath. She had no idea what to say next and was glad when he filled the silence.

" _I can't believe you blew up my bloody apartment!"_

"I'm sorry! I needed somewhere safe to go when I got back to the city," Rory explained hastily. She glanced at Steve, who was looking at her with a mixture of satisfaction and pity. She scowled and turned back to her room, shutting the door on his smug face.

" _Yeah. Thanks for the call by the way. Nice to see you've returned to the land of the living,"_ Arthur growled. " _You know, I understand you not calling me in the 2 years with your mission and all… but you come home and you don't say a word?"_

"You weren't here! Fury told me you were off in the UK on your own mission," she argued, frowning. "The same mission I had, if I read the files right."

Arthur let out a breath.

" _Yeah, well. I wasn't much use at home was I? I couldn't watch everyone go to pieces trying to find you when I knew the truth._ _I hate you for that, by the way."_ Arthur's words were as harsh, his voice filled with venom that spat like poison down the line. " _I hate you for making me lie for you and I hate you for driving me from my home and my family._ "

"Arthur I'm – "

" _Blowing up my apartment is probably the nicest thing you've done for me in 2 years."_

"I promise I'll have it returned to the way it was."

" _Don't bother. I'm stuck in England at this stupid manor for a while."_

Rory frowned at his words. The only reason why he would be stuck in England was if Lord Montgomery Falsworth had passed away. Rory's hand clapped to her mouth.

"Oh Artie I'm so sorry."

" _You missed a lot, Aurora._ " His voice sounded muffled, choked and she knew he was fighting back as many tears as she was. " _Steve, Aunt Peg and Uncle Tim came over for it. He died peacefully in his sleep… Darce has been really great about everything…"_ there was a laugh, " _…except when she found out I was a Lord. She was kind of pissed that I never told her_."

Rory let out a breathless laugh and smiled.

"You guys still together?"

" _Sort of. After the… Thor Incident in London, her and Jane went back to the States… and then they went to Asgard. I'm not entirely sure where in the universe she is at the moment but she's due back any day."_

"Holy shit."

" _Yeah, like I said: you missed a lot. We were planning on moving back to the States one day but_ someone _blew up my apartment…"_

"I didn't blow it up. It was shot up. Big difference," she said tartily. "I also got shot there."

" _Good_. _I hope it hurt."_

"Ass."

There was a long pause and Rory pushed off the wall and went to her bed. James was back in his room, his door tightly shut between them to give her privacy.

" _So, what's news then?"_ he asked and Rory let out a huff.

"I didn't think you'd want to know if you hated me _,"_ she replied, sarcasm thick in her tone. Arthur laughed.

" _Oh please. I can hate you and still be curious as to what the hell you've bee doing for 2 years…_ "

She yawned and settled down in her bed to tell him everything, from starting as a new recruit all over again to being picked up by Hydra. The only thing he really seemed to get stuck on was her moving on with Rumlow. Despite being assured that it was mostly for further her mission, he was still flabbergasted by it.

" _RUMLOW?! YOU MOVED ON WITH RUMLOW?!"_ Arthur exclaimed, his voice taking on a squawk similar to a disgruntled chicken. " _That wanker is a psychopath!"_

"I _told_ you, it was for the mission. And I wasn't in a great place… and how do you know him anyway?"

" _I did some training with him, back when Fury thought we needed to train separately. What the fuck, love?"_

"Oh yeah. I know. He's currently after me. Still thinks we're in love and wants me _all_ to himself," she sighed dramatically. "He wants Steve _and_ James dead too. Thinks they're both threats."

" _Steve I can see, but Barnes?"_

"He's got a charm about him… He reminds me of you actually." Rory smiled fondly.

" _Oh goody I've been replaced_." His voice came across sour and dry and she winced.

"Don't be like that."

He gave a sigh and Rory imagined the expression on his face. The frustrated one that made him scrunch his nose up and narrow his eyes. God she missed him. Missed him as much as she'd missed her grandparents and Steve and everyone she'd ever loved. Her heart ached.

" _I'm glad you're doing ok but I'm serious Aurora. I… I hate you. I don't want to but I do. You… you broke my heart._ _You broke your family's heart and made me watch. That's worse because I couldn't ever think of a way that you would forgive me if I told… and now I couldn't care if you forgave me or not."_ He cleared his throat as he stumbled on his words. Rory could hear sounds in the background, like he was pacing across a room. The slow rhythm fit with what she remembered. If she closed her eyes, she could pretend they were back in one of their hotel rooms after a mission, could pretend none of it had happened.

Rory's eyes stung and she struggled to breathe.

She understood. She really did. He was the one person she had known wouldn't forgive her. She'd put him in a very compromising situation and while she was glad he stuck to his word, she wished he hadn't. She wished he'd told them and they'd come running and she'd have been safely at home when SHIELD fell instead of running for her life.

Of course, she wouldn't be helping James like she was but she couldn't imagine _not_ helping him, no matter who's side she was on.

"I – I understand," she cleared her throat as her words failed her. "I understand. I'll…uh, I'll have Steve send you my number, ok? If you ever feel like… I don't know, abusing me?"

" _Please do_."

"I really am sorry, Arthur. You have no idea how often I wanted to call you but I really had no idea what to say."

" _I know, love. I thought about telling them everything but I didn't know how to admit I'd kept it from them._ "

There were a few more beats of silence where all she heard was his breathing down the line… and then the dial tone rang in her ears and her already shattered heart chipped away some more.

Dropping the phone, she buried herself into her blankets and wept. Tears came hot and fast and she felt like she was suffocating. She shook, her muscles going rigid as panic flooded through her system like a shot of acid.

The bed dipped, someone's arms encircling her tightly and for a moment she thought it was Steve.

And then he spoke.

" _Mne ochen' zhal', kukly"_

 _I'm sorry, doll._

James.

"I'm ok," she murmured, leaning into him. "Arthur and I have been friends for a very long time," Rory said through small hiccups. "He was the only person who knew where I was and I swore him to secrecy. He had to leave because it broke his heart to lie to everyone."

She felt James nod, his chin resting on the crown of her head.

"If he kept your secret then he's probably not going to hate you forever," James said softly and she gave a harsh laugh.

"I made him lie to everyone he loves – his family _and_ his friends." She sat up and wiped her face on the back of her hands. "He had to watch their lives fall apart while they looked for me and he kept it quiet… I-I… I'm an _awful_ person to ask him to do that." She felt her breath come short again and she dropped her head in her hands.

James' flesh hand rubbed her back gently, the warmth radiating through her nightshirt.

"He trusted you. You must have meant a lot for him to keep something like that."

"Grandma always did say he was a little bit in love with me," she hiccupped and nodded. James laughed gently.

"That seems to be a common theme with you, _kukla_."

She elbowed him and he laughed, his metal fingers encircling her arm so she couldn't do it again.

"C'mon, lie down. You look beat." He slid to the edge of the bed so she could have room and she lay down next to him. He stood, reaching for the glass on her bedside table to refill.

"James, why do you sleep on the floor in the bathroom?" Rory asked softly as he crossed the room to fill the glass.

He didn't answer until he returned to her bedside, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"I don't really know, to be honest," he said, scratching his chin. He placed the glass down and looked at her. "I think a part of me remembers the hard places we had to sleep during the war, and I can't get comfortable anywhere else. I'm fairly sure I do this every time I'm woken up… Hydra never usually gave me much to sleep on anyway…" He paused and his gaze dropped. "I also like being able to wake up and see something familiar and safe." He glanced at her, his expression a little sheepish and it clicked in her head what he meant.

"Me?" Rory asked and he nodded. She lifted her arm and grasped his hand. He gave her fingers a squeeze.

"Get some sleep. I'll try and sleep in the bed like a normal person." His lips lifted into a half smile and she laughed.

"I don't care where you sleep. As long as you feel ok."

He nodded and slipped his hands from hers, disappearing back toward his room. She didn't hear him close either door, but she did hear the slight rustle of bed sheets as he got into the bed.

She gave a huge sigh as she felt the tension drain from her body, sleep puling her under like a dark wave of oblivion.

The cold wind whipped around Steve as he trudged through the mountain pass. The snow was half way up his legs and he couldn't feel his feet but he kept moving. He had to keep moving. He had to find Bucky before it was too late. Before he died out here, alone.

He squinted as a flurry of white washed out his vision and he turned when he thought he heard something behind him. Someone calling his name, a woman he guessed, but who would be out in this weather?

He turned back the way he had been headed but paused. He didn't know which way that had been. There was no path either, no landmarks to give him direction; just a blinding white and an icy chill all around.

"BUCKY!?" he yelled, his voice small and muffled by the storm blowing around him. He looked skyward, trying to figure out which way the train line ran so he could find the direction Bucky would have fallen. Snow fell in his eyes and he blinked as they burned.

" _Steve!_ "

The voice called to him again and he whipped around in a circle. It wasn't Bucky, it was far too feminine for that. It carried on the wind, bouncing between the rock faces that he knew should be either side of him.

He frowned in confusion and tore his eyes away from the sky. He peered into the distance. Was that someone coming for him? The silhouette wasn't very tall, nor was it very broad and it had a distinctively naked feminine shape that he recognised immediately.

"Aurora?" Steve called, his voice once more being carried by the wind and the weight of everything he was feeling. Seeing her out there in the cold, completely naked made him feel things. Things he'd been fighting for far too long. "Aurora what are you –"

"Why didn't you come and find me, Steve?" she sobbed as she approached. Her voice sounded strange, horse and low and breathless like she'd run a long way to get to him. Steve squinted through the white haze, watching as she came into focus. His gut tightened, telling him there was something wrong.

Her red hair haloed around her like it always had, yet she looked strange. Unearthly as her pale skin stood out against the white snow. There was something dark and wet glistening on her skin and it took him a moment to realise that it was blood.

Her blood.

It poured down her front coating her skin in the slick, dark liquid. He could smell the metallic tang on the air as she drew closer.

He let out an anguished cry as he moved toward her.

"I tried," he said, unable to look away from the gaping wound at her neck. He felt sick as he reached out for her. She stopped moving.

"You didn't come," she whispered. Aurora breathed deep and her skin peeled away at the collarbone. He gave a cry of horror, taking her in his hands to try and hold her together again. She felt cold, so damn cold and his hands shook so hard that they slipped over her skin.

"You didn't want me to!" he exclaimed as he looked into her dead eyes. "You left me!"

"You didn't find me like you didn't find James." She lifted her hand and pointed to something behind him. He turned to see her pointing at another figure, one that was taller and broader, and missing his left arm. "You let him die and you murdered who I was." Her voice was in her ear and he jerked away. She reached out and grasped his wrist as he felt himself fall.

Her grasp was sticky and hot and he couldn't twist out of it. He looked up into her eyes, silently pleading with her to let him go.

"I wanted to look for him," he gasped desperately, hearing crunching footprints get closer and closer. He didn't know if he could take seeing his friend as well as his ex-love. "I wanted to look but everyone said it was useless."

She smiled, her pale lips pulling unnaturally wide to show almost all her teeth.

"The Russian's looked. They found him and tortured him and it's your fault. Just like me leaving was your fault. _Everything_ is your fault, Steve."

"I didn't mean to hurt you like I did."

Bucky grabbed him from behind and forced him to his knees. He was so cold now, he felt smothered by it and he didn't fight back as Bucky pushed down on him.

The ground cracked after a moment, giving way to ice water and he sank down into it. He looked up into the faces of Aurora and Bucky as he disappeared further and further under the ice until he couldn't see them anymore. He couldn't breathe and his lungs screamed for mercy but this was his punishment. This was what he deserved for what he did to them.

"NO!" He cried out, flinging his arms out in front of him to try and break free. His eyes snapped open as his fists connected with something solid, followed by a crash.

He sat up, eyes snapping open as he gasped for air, shaking where he sat. He was cold, like there was ice in his veins and he had a sense of dread that things weren't ok.

He stared into the darkness of the bedroom as his heart raced and he tried to push the images of a one-armed Bucky and a blood soaked Aurora out of his mind but he couldn't. They were seared so badly into his brain and he was sure they would never leave.

An overwhelming urge to go and check on them hit his gut and before he could comprehend what he was doing, he was out of his door. He charged down the hall stopping short when he realised that Aurora's door was already sitting wide open.

Panic gripped him and he strode in, finding the bed cold and empty. He ran his hands over the mattress a few times, trying to detect any kind of body heat, but there was none.

The breath rushed out of him and he stood for a moment trying to gather his thoughts. The only thing turning in his mind was a long stream of _she's goneshe's goneshe's goneshe's gone –_

She wouldn't have left, couldn't have. Surely she would have said goodbye or _something_ first. Surely she would have –

"She's downstairs."

A voice made him jump and he reached for where his gun should have been as he looked up.

Bucky stood in the doorway of the bathroom, his hands up high and Steve sucked in another breath to calm his racing heart.

"Downstairs," he murmured dumbly. Bucky frowned.

"She had a nightmare, went to get some hot chocolate or something…" Bucky paused before asking "Are you ok?"

Steve rubbed the back of his head.

"m'Fine." He muttered, feeling like an idiot. Of course she hadn't left. She had nowhere to go and they had been doing pretty ok over the last few days. Hearing from Arthur had shaken her a little and she'd spent the day avoiding them all but she hadn't run away.

"Nightmare?" Bucky asked and Steve met his gaze.

"Yeah," he admitted, his shoulders dropping. Bucky's hair was growing longer again and now he looked somewhere between Steve's old friend and the new one that had taken his place.

Guilt snaked up Steve's throat like acid and he knew that his nightmare was still right – if he'd gone to look for Bucky like he'd wanted to, his friend would have been by his side, and not used and abused by terrorists. The man who was in front of him now was as equally his fault as it was Hydra's.

"Do you need to talk about it?"

"I don't think so." Steve shook his head.

"Ok," Bucky said simply, turning his back on Steve.

"Do you remember anything from what happened?" Steve blurted out to his retreating form. Bucky stopped and turned slowly, his eyebrows knitted together as he did.

"You meant what happened to land me this?" He held up his metal hand and Steve's eyes fell on it.

"Yes." He nodded to the arm.

Bucky studied it intently for a moment.

"I remember it being cold and I remember a train." His voice was soft and Steve held his breath. "We were on the train… I was… I did something stupid. You told me no but…" He tightened his fist and dropped his hand. "It's fragmented. I can't tell what is and what isn't the truth half the time."

Steve's jaw clamped hard. This was his fault. This man was his fault.

"I'm sorry I never found you," Steve said and Bucky shrugged.

"I survived. It's not your fault. From what I've read, it's not even possible that I did, so I don't… blame you." He cleared his throat. "I did blame you, once or twice, before I knew who you actually were. I would see your face sometimes and… Like I said," he cut himself off, tapping his head with a frustrated jerk of his arm. "Fragmented memories. I'm not the person you want me to be, but I'm trying real hard to remember who that was."

Steve drew a deep breath and turned to the doorway as the sounds of something breaking and a string of curse words filtered up to them.

"You should go talk to her. She wasn't in a good way when she woke up," Bucky said, turning again as he did. Something cold sank in Steve's gut.

"You were with her when she woke up?" he asked, the image of his girl and his friend tangled together in the sheets.

"I was in my room, the doors were open," Bucky replied. His eyes narrowed as they fell on whatever expression Steve had on his face. "Stop."

"Stop what?" Steve snapped testily.

"Thinking whatever it is you're thinking. There's… nothing there between. I owe her my life. I care about her… but she's your girl." He shrugged a shoulder, his right palm coming to rest on his left forearm, drawing it across him.

"She hasn't been my girl in a while," Steve muttered, running a frustrated hand through his hair.

Bucky studied him a moment before shaking his head, muttering something akin to _bullshit_ under his breath as he turned away.

"Yet, she woke up calling your name," he said over his shoulder as he disappeared into the dark. Steve waited a moment before he left the room, unsure of what to do with the information his friend provided.

The muttered curses were soft but got louder as he got further down stairs. He could see her moving in the dim light from the range hood, hunched over and inspecting something in her hands. A sharp memory crossed his mind of a similar time a little over 3 years earlier in the same house; a memory from a time when they were new and not quite ready to admit that it was love.

He smiled listening to her curse like a sailor.

"Ow, fuck. Son of a _mother fu-_."

"Aurora?" he said softly, flicking on the overhead light.

" _Steve_ ," she gasped, her head flicking up so fast he heard her neck crack. She wobbled and reached for the counter for support. "W-what are you doing?"

"I… had a nightmare." He fumbled for what to say for a moment before he decided to be honest. "Wanted some hot chocolate." He couldn't take his eyes off her, trying to commit her red hair, blushing cheeks and blood-free skin to memory to erase the nightmare.

"Yeah, me too… but like always I'm a klutz and I smashed a mug." She scowled down at the ground. He rounded the counter and saw the pieces of shattered mug by her bar feet and realised she was wobbling around because she'd managed to stand on a piece. Blood flowed steadily from the small cut and he swallowed hard.

"Stay there, doll, I'll get the broom," he said, ducking into the small door to his left. He swept up the porcelain from around her feet and then patted the counter. "Boost up, let me have a look."

She did as asked, boosting herself up and swivelling so that her heels rested on the marble counter. He stepped closer, feeling her vibrant amber eyes on his face. He looked at her then and he faltered. Her eyes had always killed him and now, to see them so bloodshot and full of sorrow he just wanted to sweep her up into his arms and promise her the world.

He cleared his throat as he took her foot, lifting it to inspect the wound. It wasn't deep but there was a sliver of porcelain stuck in the fleshy part in the arch and blood seeped around its edges.

"I think I saw a first aid kit in the cupboard above the fridge," she murmured, leaning back on her hands. He glanced at her, his eye catching the bright tattoo that he could see disappearing down her chest, before he placed her foot back on the counter and turned away.

He searched the cupboards until he found one and when he turned back he found her staring up at the ceiling, her calf resting on her knee.

They were quiet for the moment while he pulled up a barstool and opened the kit.

"I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours," he said dryly to break the silence as he took out some tweezers, cotton swabs, and a bottle of rubbing alcohol and got to work, cleaning the blood off her skin.

She snorted and Steve thought that meant she wasn't going to talk… and then she did.

"It was the same one I always used to get. The car accident, the laughing, seeing my mother cut to ribbons while I sat in her blood," she said softly, her voice barely a whisper. "I guess being back here… triggered it or something." She shrugged and Steve nodded as he picked up the tweezers. "But this time I got out of the blood and ended up in that _place_ again and he cut me open…I couldn't breath …" Her fingers went to her throat. Steve's fingers tightened around the tweezers as he pictured her again painted in blood.  
"I've had _that_ nightmare since I left but this was like a 2-fer deal. Over and over again, every night he cuts me up… but tonight I watched my mother die first." He voice caught and she jerked her foot as he pulled the slice of mug out of it.

"I'm sorry," Steve murmured before he looked up and met her glassy-eyed gaze. She shook herself after a moment, shaking off something dark that he couldn't see before looking down at him.

"So I told you mine…" Rory said in a low voice, a small smile tugging at her lips. Steve let out a breath and reached for the antiseptic.

"More or less. My nightmare included a blizzard, your bloodied corpse blaming me for not coming to find you, and Bucky drowning me as punishment for not going to find him." He explained as he concentrated on cleaning up her foot again. She reached for him, placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed tightly.

"I'm sorry."

She echoed his words but he shrugged. "It wasn't you."

"No, but me continually reminding you that you're the reason I left probably doesn't help."

He didn't speak while he bandaged her foot, barely keeping his eyes on his work. He rested his elbows on the counter when he was done and buried his face in his hands. His chest felt funny and his breath hurt as it filled his lungs.

"If I could take back everything, I would," he said thickly, his throat tightening with every word he spoke. "If I could go back and tell you everything, I would. If I could go back and find _Bucky_ , I would.  
If I could go back and search a little harder for you I _would_ … but… but I _can't_ … I can't and I'm _sorry_. I'm so sorry," she hushed him and sat up, scooting forward so that her legs caged him and his arms rested on her thighs instead of the counter.

His face pressed into her stomach and it was then that he realised he wasn't breathing and his ears were ringing and he was having a panic attack for the first time in years.

Her fingers carded through his hair and her words didn't make sense but he was pretty sure she was telling him to breathe. He held her tight, his arms around her hips and she dug her heels into his back to keep him where he was.

"You and I both know that finding Bucky wasn't an option." Was the first thing he heard when the din in his ears subsided. "There was no way the terrain would have let you and as far as you knew he was only human. You would have lost your team if you'd gone to look and you could have died too."

"But he was alive."

"Yes, he was…" she said matter-of-fact. "Still doesn't change anything… and neither would telling me that I'd lost our child," her voice cracked as she spoke and he tightened his arms around her. Her nails dragged over his scalp. "There's every chance that I would have run if you'd told me because that's just what I do."

"But you might not have hidden from me. You might not have hated me."

"No, but other things could have happened. Who knows, I might have done something completely reckless and actually gotten myself killed," she countered. He heard her inhale and exhale, heard her heart exploding in a drumbeat he'd never forget. "I've had two years to think about a lot of things, Steve. Two years to crunch all types of possibilities and you know, coming back, I really, truly expected to hate you…" She paused and took a breath, "...but I don't."

"You kinda do," he pointed out, not wanting to believe what she was saying was real.

"I resent you but I don't hate you. I get why you didn't tell me, I just wish I'd seen it at the time." She gave a soft sigh and held onto him tightly. He stared across the room, the side of his face pressed into her body. "My leaving was as much my fault as it was yours, but I think the blame lies mostly on Fury."

Steve's blood turned cold. Fury had orchestrated the whole thing from the start. If it hadn't been for that mission, Rory would never have had a place to go. Anger bubbled to the surface of his blood and his fingers tightened their hold on her shirt.

Lights flashed outside the window as a car drove past the house and Steve tracked them until it was dark again.

"I'm still sorry," he murmured, leaning back to look up at her.

"So am I." She grimaced, her fingers falling from his hair to his shoulders. They left a trail of tingles that made Goosebumps erupt over his skin. "This was my mistake…" Her hands cupped his jaw and her eyes searched his. "Not yours. I needed to get away at the time but it was a mistake and I'm sorry. Sorry I did that to you and to us."

She was so close to him and her legs were holding him in place. His mind flicked back to Stark's kitchen when she'd let him kiss her and then shoved his face into the counter.

She didn't love him. She didn't want to love him and he was the same. This was too hard for them, their history clouded any possibility of them having anything again – she was always going to harbour resentment for him lying and he was always going to be angry for her leaving.

Their paths had crossed but instead of stopping to join together, had shot off in different directions and it would be an impossible feat to bring them back on track.

Taking a deep breath he started to lean back. He was too close to her, there was too much of him touching too much of her. His self-control could only take so much and his heart was pounding painfully enough to make him feel sick again.

But she wouldn't let him go.

Her fingers dug into his jaw and pulled him closer. She leant down, her eyes wide and her lips parted. She didn't look like she was breathing at all.

"Aurora, I –"

His protest was lost as she pulled his lips to hers and kissed him tentatively.

Steve's ears rang and his fingers found warm skin as he pushed them under her top to rest on the small of her back. Her legs caged him in and for a few brief moments he felt nothing but her soft skin, tasted nothing but her tongue on his and heard nothing but the small sigh of relief that came from her mouth on his.

Their world was suspended for a moment in time.

* * *

Author's Note:

Hey guys, I'm so sorry that it's been so long since an update. I've had a few very big, very serious life changes which prevented me from doing a lot of things.

I can't promise that I will have something for you every week but I will definitely be wrapping this up eventually. Thank you for understanding. Life gets in the way much too often.

Playlist to come next chapter.


	17. Saudade

Metanoia

Chapter 17: Saudade

* * *

Rory's heart thudded in her chest as her brain caught up with her actions. She was kissing him. Actually _kissing_ him and there was no urge to get away and it had been orchestrated by her and her alone. She wanted this. She _needed_ this.

A moan escaped from between her lips, making Steve's shoulders stiffen under her fingers. He tried to pull away, but she dug in, keeping her mouth on his as she leant over him. He couldn't leave now. There had been a time bomb in her body for too long, waiting for this moment to count down and she needed to explode with him again, like they used to.

They broke apart briefly and she sucked in a deep breath, her exhale shaky and full of ecstasy. Holding his gaze, she looked long and hard into the sky-blue depths of his eyes as he looked up at her. He studied her back just as intently, eyes wide and shining with surprise. They were two people on a knife-edge, unsure of which way to fall.

"Is this…is this a good idea?" he asked through a shaking breath. Her shoulder came up in a half shrug and she leant back as he rose from where he'd been kneeling between her knees. He stood over her, his eyes taking in every inch of her that he could see and she felt small under his gaze.

"I honestly don't know," she replied, giving a nervous laugh. It had been a while since her heart had raced quite so painfully. She closed her eyes as his hand came to cup her jaw, his fingers feather-touches on tingling skin. He traced from the curve of her jawbone and down her neck, leaning forward to place small kisses where he touched. When he reached the top of her tattoo he studied it, his fingers tracing the splashes of color and the constellations that covered the ugly scar that had damaged her.

Without a word he peeled off her tank, his fingers continuing their line down the stars. He stopped after Grant, the Taurus, and studied the last in the line, the one that fell between her breasts on the crux of her sternum.

"Who's the Cancerian?" he asked and she was surprised he recognized the five point sign on her chest. She'd known, back when she'd gotten it done that it had been a bad idea to include him on her family line but she couldn't resist. He'd been there when the scar had been a wound. There'd been one last space to cover and she couldn't have thought of a more fitting person to fill it.

"You," Rory said softly, dragging his face back to hers with her hands cupped around his jaw. "There was space left to cover. I figured you belonged there even if we weren't together anymore."

An expression crossed Steve's face that she couldn't decipher and it made her throat as dry as the Sahara. Doubt trickled into her thoughts like a disease, causing her muscles to bunch in preparation to run. It was stupid to think that he'd push her away after this but what if that was too much for him? After all, she had been the one to say there was nothing left. A permanent mark on her skin specifically for him called her out on the liar she was.

"What – why are you looking at me like that?" Rory asked, her heart beating wildly in her chest.

Steve's chest rose and fell as he sucked in a breath and he shrugged.

"I… I don't… I…"

His words seemed to fail him but he didn't move. His hands dropped from her skin, leaving her cold and very naked as she sat on the counter. She shook, from fear and adrenalin and the possible rejection she was about to face.

Gritting her teeth she straightened, every fiber of her being telling her to run. She placed a hand on his chest and pushed him, sliding to the edge of the counter to get down.

"Excuse me, I –"

Her words failed as his hands grabbed her, first her wrist and then her thigh, keeping her in place on the counter. He stepped into her space again, between her knees, crowding her and she had only a second to draw breath before his lips were on hers and he was kissing her hungrily.

A throaty groan escaped his lips that sent a red-hot bolt of lust down her spine. She threaded her fingers through his hair, moaning into his kiss before she could stop herself.

His hands were covering her naked skin now, leaving fire in their wake. She hadn't felt this alive in a long time and she never wanted it to stop. He held her close and kissed her like they were running out of time, leaving her lungs gasping for air.

They broke apart to shed his shirt, and she traced every familiar line and hard plane of muscle on his body with her hands. Aching for him, she reached for the band of his sweats to pull him closer.

It was like their first time all over again as he gripped her thighs and pulled her to the very edge of the counter. Deftly, he pulled the bands of her shorts and underwear over her hips, pausing only to help her lift so they could slide down her legs. His fingers pushed into her folds, spreading the wetness that had pooled with the heat of his kiss. Her mouth found his neck and teeth found skin, and she bit down to elicit the moan that she knew would make her shiver.

Without a word of warning he thrust into her, making her gasp and press her face into his shoulder to stop the moan that would wake the entire state of Massachusetts. He hushed her as he stopped moving, letting himself settle deep inside her.

He was so familiar; the way he stretched her, the way he smelled and tasted and sounded. It was like they'd never stopped doing this and she hoped they would never stop again. She rocked her hips to urge him on, her mouth finding his again.

Their rhythm was the same and it took no time at all for her to tighten around him in an orgasm that had her seeing stars. A small string of curses escaped his lips before he too came with an intensity that left him slumped over her, his forehead on her shoulder.

Breathless sighs passed between them for a number of minutes, neither wanting to move from the others arms. It was over much to soon for either of their liking but it had been as good as they'd remembered.

Steve lifted his head fist, pressing soft kisses against her mouth and cheeks.

"I'm sorry, I don't… I didn't mean –"

"Apologize again and I will hurt you," she murmured, smiling in spite of herself. "That was amazing."

"It was," he agreed.

"I missed this."

"So did I."

He slid out of her, eliciting a small whimper that made him smile and he kissed her gently.

"Do you think we woke the others up?" he asked, casting a look toward the roof. Rory muffled a laugh and reached for her shirt. Steve ducked down and grabbed her pants, sliding them over her ankles and calves before she took over.

"I really hope not." She winced, not really wanting to explain herself to either Sam or James. She could just hear the jibes they would both throw at them now. She also could hear the questions about what this meant for them and she'd rather not tackle those right away.

She was so consumed by the unanswered questions that she almost missed the flash of a silhouette as it darted across the glass cabinet doors. She reached for Steve, grabbing his wrist as she tracked another movement in her periphery through the kitchen windows. She pulled him to down to her under the guise of kissing him again but when she didn't, Steve's brow furrowed.

"What's –"

She shushed him, pulling her eyes away from the glass to look him in the eye, smiling as though she was suggesting something entirely different to what she was about to say.

"I think we have an audience…" she said softly, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. Steve's jaw tightened under her fingers.

"Hydra?"

Rory nodded, tracing a line from his jaw and into his hair. She pulled back ever so slightly.

"If it was Rumlow he'd be charging in here right now after what we just did…"

Steve's shoulders went rigid and his hands felt like fire as they shifted on her skin, sliding down lower on her hips as he lifted his arms in preparation to move. He closed his eyes a moment, sucking in an exasperated breath through his nose.

Rory knew what he was thinking – they were finally on even ground and feeling normal for the first time in forever. It was the living definition of Murphy's Law that something would ruin it for them. It wouldn't feel right if something _didn't_ ruin it.

She pressed a kiss to his forehead, silently promising that they'd return to this when they could.

"How many?" Steve murmured, leaning forward to rest his mouth on her shoulder. She knew he was watching the doors now and her eyes returned to the cabinets.

"I've only seen two, but there will be more," she replied. Goosebumps erupted over her skin as his lips skinned her collarbone. "We're going to get up and head for upstairs. We get our gear, and James and Sam, and then we get the hell out of –"

A deafening explosion cut her plan in half and Steve pulled her off the counter, throwing them both to the floor as a wave of heat pushed through from the sitting room. His arms crowded her as he tucked them behind the counter island and held her close.

"Your plan was good," Steve huffed. "But I think they know we know."

Rory shrugged easily.

"Win some, lose some."

She could hear the agents now, their heavy footsteps and the familiar creak of heavy duty SWAT gear. She lifted her head so her eyes were over the counter and peered through the smoke.

"They have night vision goggles," she said softly, "heavily armed…." she paused, her eyes falling on the butchers' block inches in front of her. She reached for it, making a wild grab as gunfire rang through the kitchen. The cabinets exploded around her, the shots narrowly missing their mark. Steve heaved her back, arms around hips and a string of curses falling from his lips.

"What the hell are you doing?" he hissed as the butcher block clattered to the floor beside them. She grinned, drawing out two of the long, thick carving knives and testing their weight. They weren't the same as her daggers upstairs but they would do.

"I'm going to distract them while you go and get James and Sam and the weapons, ok? Don't forget my daggers. You guys get out. They're not here for me." She smiled at him, watching as his mouth opened to argue. She pressed her lips to his to silence it and didn't give him another moment to protest before she scooted around the opposite side of the counter, launched herself on her knees across the tiles and into the fray.

She took out the legs of the first agent she came across, slicing the butchers knife across his shins. His gun made her ears ring as he aimed blindly, but she was already gone, springing up to hit the lights.

Shouts of surprise echoed around the room as she blinded those wearing goggles, and she had just enough time to count how many there were scattered around the smouldering remains of her living room. There were 6 here with her but more upstairs and she could see the path Steve had carved as he'd left the kitchen by the scattered and unconscious bodies on the floor.

The sight of the destroyed house made her angry. Determination flooded her veins, a familiar drug she'd relied on over the past two years. That determination was what had made her so deadly and valuable to Hydra. It was what made her lethal. Every ounce of anguish and suffering she'd experienced since returning back to the States was used to fuel her fight.

She moved around the room like wild fire, slicing and stabbing and disarming as many of the agents as she could. She took hits but she felt none as her training slotted back into place like an old skin. She didn't feel anything except the drive to win and she didn't hear anything except her own heartbeat and the faint sound of shouting in the distance.

They hadn't left like she'd told them and she turned to see the three men fighting their way back down the stairs.

"Go!" she ordered over her shoulder as she kicked the last standing Hydra agent in the chest. His rifle went wild and she slashed her blade over his wrist as he fell, making him drop the weapon. Her long chef's knife founds its place on his neck and he froze on the spot, looking up with her with smirking, hate-filled eyes.

"Not without you!" Steve replied but she shook her head.

"No, I need to find out what they want. Who sent them," she argued, her grip tightening in the agent's hair. Steve held her gaze for a moment before he nodded.

"Sam, go keep watch and get the car started. There should be a few in the garage. Just not the truck. We can't use the truck… James you –"

"I'm staying," James replied without looking away from Rory. Their eyes met and he gave a nod, a silent agreement toward her actions. She sucked in a breath and turned back to the agent, focusing in on what she was doing.

"Who sent you?" she demanded, pushing the knife in a little so a ruby of blood bubbledout of his skin.

The agent's smirk widened, infuriating her so she twisted the knife, peeling back a sliver of tanned skin.

" _Who sent you_?" Rory asked again, enunciating every word with a push. The room was silent behind her and she knew Steve and James were watching her.

"There's a big reward out on your head, Agent Dugan," he spat, his eyes narrowing on her like a wolf on a lamb. "But there's a bigger one on his…" he nodded behind her and she could only assume he was talking about James.

"I won't ask again. Who sent you?" she asked for the last time, knowing better than to play his games.

"Did you think you'd gotten rid of our leader when you killed Pierce?" he asked, a low laugh turning to a cough as she pressed the knife into his windpipe. "Cut off one head, two more take its place."

Rory's eyes widened as she watched him open his mouth. She lifted her foot and kicked him hard, dislocating his jaw so it stayed open, to stop him from crunching the cyanide pill at the back. He screamed out in pain and fell forward, coughing and moaning, as pain no doubt erupted through his skull.

"Nuh uh, I know that trick. I tell you when you can die," she said softly, shaking her head. "Tell me what I want to know." She grabbed his hair and lifted his head, making him look her in the eye.

"I don't know his name. All I know is that he's German and very angry you stole something from him," he got out slowly, his words slurred by his injury. Rory frowned. She didn't steal anything from anyone.

"I didn't steal –" she paused as his eyes slid over to James in the shadows and it made sense. "I stole The Asset."

"They want him back. Time… is running out for him to be useful to us anymore. As soon as that time is done, he will die."

She exhaled through her nose as it all made sense. The memory wipes. The cryogenics. They needed him back by a certain time or else they wouldn't be able to wipe him again. That was both good and bad; good because they would stop trying to find him, bad because they would just want him dead instead and they wouldn't stop until he was buried in a shallow grave. Even with a slack jaw, the agent still smirked.

"He's thawing out the others as we speak, Agent Dugan," the man croaked and Rory frowned.

"What others?"

"He always has the next move planned and deployed before you know what his last was. I think he knew we wouldn't succeed against you four… but _they_ will…"

"Who is _he_?" she demanded, pressing her knife into his neck again.

"Was it worth it, Agent Dugan? Was he worth it?" The agent ignored her, his eyes flickering to James and back.

She leant down to him, her face inches from her own.

"Tell me who _he_ is," she whispered softly, ice in her voice while she dragged the knifepoint slowly and lightly across his throat, "and I will end your misery."

The agent's throat bobbed as he audibly gulped.

"Vasily," he croaked. "Vasily Karpov."

Satisfied, Rory pulled the knife across his throat fast and hard, opening it up wide to let his blood flow free. She watched the panic flare in his eyes as he stoped breathing and started choking instead.

She dropped the knife to the ground beside him and the world started to ring. Her shoulders heaved as she looked at the blood on her hands.

"We need to leave," James said and somehow she heard it over the ringing in her ears.

"You _killed_ him." Steve rounded on her as she started to walk with James. He reached for her, stopping her in her tracks. His fingers slipped on her skin, finding a large patch of blood and she puled out of his grasp easily.

Sirens echoed through the night and she knew they didn't belong to Boston PD.

"We don't have time right now," Rory snapped, her vision blurring as her eyes watered. She wiped her hands as best she could on her thin cotton shorts but it did little more than push the sticky blood around her skin. "Do we have everything we need?" She looked at James, steeling herself up again with grim determination.

"Sam and I had the packs ready to go before they entered," James replied.

"Right. Let's move."

On autopilot she picked her way through the wreckage that was her old house and she tried not to look at what was left. The car that was in the garage was a small Toyota Camry and, with Steve squeezed in beside her, the backseat felt hot and crowded.

She pointedly ignored Steve as Sam punched the engine because she knew he was just waiting to have it out about what she'd done. She wasn't exactly proud of it herself but there was a twist in her gut that came with having him mad at her.

They'd been doing so well and now…

The silence from Steve lasted for exactly 5 minutes before he demanded answers again.

"What the hell was that back there? You _killed_ him."

"Yes. I did. Because he was trying to kill _me_ ," she spat, her temper breaking as she inspected her hands a little more closely. Her skin was starting to sting where she'd nicked herself with the kitchen knives while fighting with them. She'd forgotten what it was like to fight without perfectly balanced weapons. It was only when Steve's hands folded over her own did she realise that hers were shaking badly and she felt cold all over.

It was always the same when she lost herself completely. It was like a disassociation that she'd trained herself to have – she did the job she was meant to do but coming down off it; be it days or weeks later, she always felt cold and disconnected from herself.

Steve took a t-shirt out of his bag and started to wipe her clean, his jaw set in a firm and solid line.

"We could have left him. You didn't have to do that," he growled softly, his eyes not meeting hers while he patched her up.

"And risk him following us? Or telling whoever was behind those sirens what car we were in?" she asked, finding her voice a little shattered and broken. "You're not an idiot Steve. You know I had to." He made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat.

"You ran into a fire fight with _knives_ , Aurora. _Kitchen knives!_ You could have been killed… _"_ Steve clenched his jaw and sucked in a deep breath, keeping his temper in check. She honestly wasn't sure if he was mad at her about killing the agent or putting herself in the line of fire…

"I did pretty well, all things considering," she replied dryly.

Sam snorted from the front seat. Steve's head snapped up and focused on Sam, an incredulous look on his face. "Sorry, sorry. She just…has a point," Sam said quickly.

Steve glared at him, daring him to say anything else. Sam focused back on the road, pointedly ignoring the scene occurring in the backseat.

"Rory, you're slashed to ribbons, covered in blood, your lip likely needs stitches," he rattled off, his voice becoming harder and harder as he spoke. She pressed her fingers to her lip, not even realising that was busted until then. He reached for her, his fingers pinching her chin lightly as he turned her to face him. "What were you _thinking_?" The hardness was dulled slightly by sheer exasperation.

"I did what I had to do!" She exclaimed, her face free as her lip stung. Her shoulder hit the door and she scowled, rubbing it as pain stabbed down her arm. "If I didn't kill them, they would kill me. That's how they work: kill or be killed! Trust me, I know exactly what they were thinking!" There was a hysterical edge to her voice and she sucked in a deep breath.

"Alright, alright. Can we just… cool it for a second?" Sam said, his voice tight and anxious as it broke through. Rory heard the creak of leather as his fists tightened on the steering wheel. His shoulders bunched and then rolled back. "They found us. That's no one's fault but they did… so either they have been following us since New York or they made a really good guess as to where we were, I don't know… But we need to figure out where we are heading at… 4:32 in the morning."

The car was quiet. No one had any idea about what to do or where to go until –

"Natasha," Rory said quietly. "Do you still have her coordinates?"

"Yeah, in my phone. You should probably call her before we just travel on up there though," Sam said, digging in his pocket and producing his phone. He passed it over the seat and Rory took it. Her fingers were still stained red and she had to wipe them on the t-shirt before she could unlock his screen.

She found Natasha's number and hit call, holding her breath while she waited for the Widow to pick up.

" _Wilson? Do you have any idea what time it is?"_ she griped in a voice thick with sleep as she picked up the call.

"It's Rory, actually. Sorry for the timing."

" _Dugan? What's wrong?"_ Nat's voice was instantly alert and concerned when she heard Rory's voice.

"We're ok. We were ambushed, again. My home is officially gone now," she said in a brittle voice. "We're trying to figure out where to go and –"

" _Shh, it's ok. I sent you the coordinates just in case. Follow them,_ " Nat cut her off. " _Anyone hurt?"_

"I have a few scrapes and bruises but we're ok," Rory replied, smiling at the concern in Natasha's tone. "Where are we headed?"

" _Iowa. Hope you like the farm life_ ," Natasha smirked. Rory frowned.

"Iowa? What the hell's in –" Rory gasped when it clicked. "Clint!"

" _We're totally off the grid here. It's his family home. Shield didn't even know about it…_ "

"It sounds perfect. We'll put it into the GPS," she said, nodding.

" _See you in about 19 hours. Drive safe._ "

Natasha hung up and Rory scrolled through Sam's phone until she found the coordinates. She read them out to Sam who punched them into the on board computer.

"Ok, 4 and a bit hours driving each and we'll get there," Sam said, squinting at the monitor.

Rory nodded and tried to curl her legs under her. She wasn't sure if it was cold in the car or if her body was coming down off the adrenalin but a shiver went through. She felt both high as a kite and exhausted beyond belief. She forced herself to keep her eyes open to ask one last question.

"James," she asked after a moment of silence. "Who is Karpov?"

She held her breath as James turned in his seat.

"One of my creators," James answered, his eyes dark like a stormy night. "I was his puppet before the Americans took me. He trained me up and then made me train…more of me."

"Wait, there are _more_ of you?" Sam asked incredulously from the front seat.

"Enhanced, yes."

"Bionic?"

James' eyes narrowed on the side of Sam's head.

"Not to my knowledge. But it didn't work. They were too uncontrollable so he suspended them." James' shifted his gaze back to Rory. "If he's waking them up then we have more trouble coming for us than Rumlow would cause."

She breathed in and out for a few moments, begging her heart to stop beating wildly in her chest. She knew Steve could hear it, James too, and she wanted to keep as in control as she possibly could.

"So what do we do now?" Rory asked to no one in particular.

"We drive to wherever the hell Nat is sending us and we figure it out there," Sam said in a resigned voice. "Get a bigger team…"

Rory nodded as Steve muttered in agreement.

"You guys should try and get some sleep while you can," Sam called over his shoulder. "I got more sleep than any of you, so I'll drive until we hit Rochester."

A murmur of agreement tumbled from Rory's lips. A second shiver went through her body as exhaustion melted her muscles. She couldn't keep still. She was so tired but her legs wanted to keep moving. She shifted over and over again until finally Steve's warm hand touched her shoulder.

"You good?" he asked gently, any trace of annoyance replaced by concern. She nodded stiffly.

"Just cold. Jittery… from the adrenalin…" she murmured, running a hand through her hair. The strands stuck to the tacky blood on her fingers and she cringed. Silently, he reached for the bag between them and pulled out a jumper, handing it to her.

She took it gratefully and put it on, burrowing into it for warmth. She rested her head against the window and watched the sun slowly start to peek above the horizon. She shifted again, putting her feet on the floor before drawing them back up again in an effort to get comfortable. She groaned softly in frustration, leaning one-way and then another.

Finally Steve's hand gripped her shoulder again and he pulled her into his side, settling her head on his shoulder while his arm tucked around her body.

She gave a soft sigh and relaxed into him. She felt his lips press against her head as she closed her eyes.

* * *

Authors note:

Short but sweet. I'm sorry my schedule has been thrown off. Life gets in the way sometimes. I've also done about a dozen rewrites and the ending has changed roughly 5 times now... so please bare with me.

Thank you.

Playlist:

Bonfire - Childish Gambino

Adore - Amy Shark

Heartbeat - Childish Gambino


	18. Querencia

Metanoia

Chapter 18: Querencia

* * *

The sun rose just after 6, but by that time they had passed through Albany and were far on the other side. Rory slept through Syracuse and Buffalo, waking only when the drivers changed hands just outside of Rochester. She hadn't been happy when her solid mass of warm Super Soldier slid out of the car, but it was quickly replaced with a second, slightly stiffer one.

It was a small surprise to her that James was ok with letting her lean against his shoulder to doze; they didn't have too much of a choice because the back of the Camry was small and he was not, but he didn't flinch away when she relaxed against him. Instead, he lifted his arm as Steve had done and tucked her into his side.

She drifted in and out of sleep as they travelled; listening to the radio play soft music or watching the world fly past through the windows. Her skin stung, her wrists ached and she couldn't shake the feeling that she'd fucking up when she'd killed the agent. She tried hard not to dwell on the guilt rippling around in her gut but she just couldn't.

" _Do you think I did the wrong thing by killing him?"_ she murmured quietly to James, her words in Russian. She felt Steve's eyes on her in the rear-view mirror but she refused to look at him. She didn't want him to know what she was saying in case she proved him right.

" _No, he would have killed you or himself… you did what your training told you to do,_ " James replied, his voice a rumble. He didn't lift his head and his eyes remained closed.

" _My Hydra training,_ " she countered as a half argument.

" _Yeah, so? You know how he worked so you acted accordingly. You did what you had to do."_

Rory exhaled sharply and nodded. James was right. Her training had made her stronger and she'd been able to make the call for survival. That was something she had lacked in the past.

James shifted and when Rory glanced up he was looking at her curiously.

" _Why are you so worried that you killed him?"_

Rory shrugged a shoulder.

" _I guess being reminded about who I used to be and having someone be disappointed in me has shifted my perspective a little,"_ she replied, her eyes flicking to Steve in the front seat.

He wasn't looking at her anymore. Instead, his eyes were trained on something in the distance and his knuckles were white as he gripped the wheel. There was a line of tension across his shoulders that was usually there she and Bucky spoke and didn't include him. He was jealous, she knew him well enough to know that, but the emotion was pointlessly placed because neither she nor James was in any kind of place to feel anything past plutonic caring.

She just didn't know how to tell Steve that.

" _You're not the same person. Neither am I… You killed them because you had to… I didn't because I don't want to be that person anymore,"_ James said slowly, as if unsure whether what he was saying made sense.

Rory nodded. It made sense but maybe, just maybe, she didn't want to be that person anymore either. Not if it meant she and Steve wouldn't ever see eye to eye. The flip side of that meant regression and she wasn't sure she wanted to do that either. There was a fork in her road and she was unsure which way to walk.

" _You're thinking too hard about this, Doll_."

" _I don't know what I want to do,"_ Rory replied with a small sigh.

Only twenty minutes had passed when Rory jolted away at a rough patch of road. She sat up and stretched, her body aching as she arched. She felt gross, her skin still sticky from blood and sweat.

"How far away are we from a truck stop?" Rory asked, leaning forward in her seat to rest her chin between the seats.

Sam fiddled with the GPS, while Steve's gaze met her in the rear view mirror briefly, a question in his eyes.

"There's one not too far up the highway," Sam answered, turning to look at her. "Why?"

"I need a shower," Rory replied, her nose wrinkling as she tore her eyes away from Steve. Sam gave her a once over before nodding.

"You do look kinda gross."

"Thanks Sam. You know how to make a girl feel special." She rolled her eyes and he chuckled, leaning his head against the window again.

"It's a gift."

Rory asked as she turned to face Steve. "Do you mind if we stop?" she asked and he rolled his shoulders.

"It's fine," Steve replied, glancing over his shoulder. "It's your turn to drive after this anyway."

"Great, well, I want snacks for that." She sat back in her seat. "And some better music. I'm sad, Sam, I thought we had Marvin Gay in common."

"There is nothing wrong with great country classics," Sam interjected and she rolled her eyes.

"Sure, if you're in the middle of Alabama. We're just outside of Cleveland," Rory replied, shaking her head.

The came to the truck stop 10 minutes later and Steve pulled into the car park furthest from the entrance. He turned in his seat to look at her as she gathered her pack.

"Be quick, I don't want to sit here to too long."

Rory snapped out a sarcastic salute." Aye aye, Capt. I'll be in and out," she said while shrugging the pack over her shoulder, "Any requests for food?"

"I'll come with you and pick out some things," Sam said with a groan as he stretched, "And keep an eye on your music selection."

"Oh I'm not using CD's, Sammy." Rory shook her head as she slid out of the car, flipping her hood up to hide her dirty face and hair. The two fell into step. "My other burner phone is fancy enough to take Spotify. I just need to get a cable."

"Yeah, well, we'll see," Sam replied, rolling his eyes. "I'll meet you back here in 10." He looked around. Rory nodded, her gaze shifting over the patrons in the busy truck stop.

No one paid her any heed as she walked to the women's bathrooms. As far as truck stops went, these were actually fairly clean and the hot water was heaven on Rory's aching limbs as she stepped under the jets.

The blood washed down the drain easily, and she could inspect the few cuts on her forearms. They were healing nicely, the serum turning them to little more than scabs. Her lip did ooze a bit if she moved it and she made a mental note to ask Sam or Steve to patch it up before they started driving again.

Once out of the shower she stood in front of the mirror and inspected herself further. The fluorescent lighting of the bathroom made her look washed out and haggard and she hadn't realised how horribly pale and thin she'd gotten. Everything looked sunken and her wet hair clung to her skin like rivulets of ink.

How she looked scared her more than how she'd acted. There was a visible difference between then and now and she was stuck somewhere in the middle. Somewhere she needed to get out of. She'd learned so much from Hydra. All the training and missions with them had brought her forward by light years in terms of skill and experience… but by doing that she'd lost a part of herself.

Granted, she'd been happy enough to let that person disappear under the anger and heartbreak she'd suffered but she found herself asking, not for the first time, if it had been worth it.

Her family, although happy to have her back, treated her differently. Steve did too and she knew he hated that she'd killed that man so easily… But it hadn't been easy. It had just been practiced. Her actions would come back to her somehow, whether by nightmares or panic attacks or by lashing out at someone she loved. They always did.

But Steve had calmed her after her last one. He'd chased the demons of her mind away like he'd always been able to do. Her chest tightened painfully as the memory of being with him again washed over her.

For the first time in months her brain had switched off and he'd made her stop thinking. She hadn't been lying when she'd told him she'd missed him. She hadn't been lying when she'd said it was all her fault that they were like this. She missed him and everyday they were together old feelings returned. Rationally though, she needed to push them back, to push them away until all of this was over and she wasn't a wanted woman any longer. Here was no time to tell him all the things she so desperately wanted to tell him, to be with him the way she wanted.

The door opened to the bathroom and broke her train of thought. She grabbed her bag, hooking it over her shoulder and she met up with Sam, feeling jittery and breathless and tight across the chest.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked out of the corner of his mouth as they crossed the hot pavement to the car parked on the far side.

"Nothing. Why?" she asked, her words tight. She didn't look at him. Her grip tightened on the strap of her pack.

"Because you look twitchy," Sam said. His shoulder brushed hers. "So… are you good?"

Rory glanced up at him and gave a desperate shrug.

"I honestly don't know," she said softly and Sam nodded, urging her to continue. "I feel like I'm stuck between two people… and I'm not talking about Barnes and Rogers."

"You're talking about yourself," Sam said, smiling slyly. "Don't worry, I don't think you've got it in you to get caught up in some love-triangle bullshit."

She smiled and cleared her throat.

"I just… When I left I wanted to bury her, the old-me – whatever you want to call her. I had a mission and something to prove and I shook her off and became… well…"

"Hydra," Sam replied when the words failed her. "You became Hydra."

"Yeah…."

"But now you're back," Sam continued, speaking as if reading her mind, "And you're realising that maybe Hydra isn't exactly the 'you' your family and friends want to be around." It wasn't a question but she nodded because he was right.

"Yeah," Rory said again, her tone decidedly more miserable. The car was in sight now and she straightened her shoulders. "I'll be fine," she murmured, clearing her throat ceasing the conversation.

"I'm sure you will," Sam said, his shoulder nudging hers again. "But if you're not and you just… need an ear to borrow, I know a guy." He smiled as she glanced up at him. "I hear he didn't know past-you. Hell, he barely knows Hydra-you but he thinks she's not too bad."

"Not too bad, huh?" Rory asked, splitting away from him to head for the drivers seat.

"She's pretty kick ass that's for sure. Smart as hell too." He grinned and she laughed as he disappeared into the car. She liked Sam. He reminded her of her brothers and it was nice to know he had her back.

"Feel better?" Steve asked from the passenger seat as she took her spot behind the wheel.

"Much." Rory smiled. She reached into a shopping bag and pulled out the AUX cable for the stereo. She fiddled with her phone and gave a sigh when good music poured from the speakers. "No complaining, Sam." She met his gaze in the mirror, seeing the look of annoyance as Weezer started to play.

"I won't say a word," Sam grumbled, sliding down in his seat and pulling a blanket over his head to block everything out.

And then they were off again, driving in silence toward Iowa and somewhere they hoped would be safe.

* * *

The car was silent save for the music as they drove and it left Rory to her own thoughts about who she was and whom she was going to be. After about an hour she couldn't take it anymore. Questions kept repeating themselves and she was going to scream if someone didn't say anything

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with… T," she said loudly, reaching over to turn the music down. Sam gave a huff from under his blanket but said nothing.

Rory looked over at Steve, who glanced up from the notebook he was sketching scenery in. She raised her eyebrows at him, egging him to answer the question and he let out a huff.

"You're serious?"

"I'm _bored_ ," she replied dramatically, rolling her eyes. "Seriously, this car is quieter than a tomb and I'm falling asleep at the wheel."

Rory squinted out of the windshield at the road in front of them. The sun had disappeared behind a very grey looking cloud and she hoped they weren't driving into a storm.

" _So…_ I spy with my little eye, something beginning with _T_ ," she repeated, smiling at Steve's disbelieving look.

He sighed, his pen hitting the paper again before he looked out of the window.

"Truck."

"No. Too obvious." She shook her head. Steve frowned, shifting in his seat.

"Toyota," James said from the back and she grinned, glancing at him in the rear view mirror.

"Again, too obvious."

He frowned, peering hard out of the window the same as Steve.

"Tyre?" Steve said, sounding a little triumphant and she laughed again.

"Not quite."

He gave a huff.

"You've gotta make it somewhat easy!" he groused, looking away from her. Rory could see his cheeks pull into a smile as he did.

"Turnpike?" James asked and she shook her head. "Turtle?"

"Where was the turtle?" She laughed, glancing behind her. He shrugged.

"Maybe it was something you saw way back there."

"It's gotta be in her line of sight now." Sam's muffle voice joined the conversation but the man didn't move.

"I know how to play," James grumbled, folding his arms. "Is it in the car?" He asked after a moment.

"No." Rory shook her head.

"Can we still see it?" Steve asked and she nodded, her eyes flicking to the sides of the road.

"Sure can."

There was silence for a few more moments until Sam pushed the blanket off his face. "It's Tumbleweed, you morons." He yawned and Rory laughed, slapping her fingers on the steering wheel.

"Sam got it."

" _How_!?" James and Steve both exclaimed at the same time, their voice an identical burst of frustration.

Sam just shrugged and stretched his shoulders.

"I can't help it if I'm more observant than you two," he said. "Anyway, shut up it's my turn." He grinned and Rory laughed, happy for the distraction for the first time the whole car trip.

The game dwindled out to a stop as they approached Black Oak, Indiana and Steve called for a driver swap. Rory agreed. They hadn't lost the light yet but her legs were stiff and aching and she'd been yawning more and more as the hours had gone on. Her butt was also completely numb and her bladder full.

They pulled into a roadside diner to grab some food and stretch before they got back into the car for the last leg of the trip with James at the wheel. She sat beside him, her legs curled under her as the day turned to night on the horizon.

She hadn't realised she'd fallen asleep until the car was slowing, crawling along the road in search of a dark driveway. She stifled a yawn and rubbed her face, trying to wake herself up enough to think straight.

"You would think we'd have seen a house by now… " Sam murmured from the back seat. Rory sat up a stretched, pressing her nose out of the window to stare into the blackest night she'd ever seen. It had started raining at some point, the windows streaked with droplets of water.

"Well, Nat did say it was off the grid… The rain isn't helping either," Steve replied. He tapped the window. "Looks like a break in the grass about a half click away, Buck."

"I see it," James murmured his eyes narrowed on the spot that Rory now saw.

"GPS says we are almost on top of where we need to be," she said softly, noticing the tension in his shoulders. He nodded, a tick ruining the line of his jaw.

They pulled to a stop beside the break in the trees and sure enough there was a dirt driveway leading into the darkness. Rory peered at something, her eyes narrowed on the shape blocked by trees.

"There's a letterbox in the grass…" Rory commented, unbuckling her seatbelt. She opened the door, using her cell phone as a light as she stepped into the drizzling rain. She could feel the apprehensive gazes of the three men in the car on her back and she wanted to tease them… but the further away from the car the more the darkness swirled around her and the more it put her on edge.

She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the name on the side.

BARTON.

"It's this one!" she called out, turning back to the car with a nervous laugh. She trotted back through the rain and pulled the door open quickly. The knot in her stomach dissipated as she slipped into the car. It was stupid and childish of her to be afraid of the dark but she knew what might be lurking there.

Her eyes fell on the gun in James' hands and she rolled her eyes as she wiped the water from her face.

"Put it away." She shook her head.

"What?" He frowned down at her. "Steve has his out too!" he protested and she craned her neck to Steve hurriedly shoving his own gun into his jacket pocket. He shrugged, giving her a sheepish grin when their eyes met.

She gave a breathless sigh, shaking her head in amusement at their protective ways.

James crept the car along the long and winding drive, through the fields that were high and over grown. Rory wondered what the Barton family had once grown here but she couldn't make out anything that could give it away. She guessed corn, the crops being well over the car.

Finally a house came into view as they dipped into a valley. The lights of the rustic looking farmhouse were blazing bright and a dog stood on the porch, barking loudly at the newcomers.

The house was big; two stories with an attic, with clapboard walls and a wrap around porch with spandrels and columns. The windows had wooden shutters and lace curtains, the light pouring out a homey yellow. Rory imagined there was a barn somewhere around the back, cloaked in darkness for now. She smiled. No wonder Clint had retired here. Even in the dark, it was beautiful.

The screen door opened as James pulled the car to a stop and Clint pushed out, wiping his hands on a dishcloth. He was dressed in flannel and his hair was longer than she'd ever seen, and scruffy enough that she wanted to run her fingers through it to tame it.

Steve and Sam exited the car first. Steve called out a hello to Clint and Sam went to the trunk to retrieve their packs. The dog shot down the stairs toward Steve and Clint whistled for him to stop.

"Lucky! Be nice."

Rory was hit with a pang of nostalgia upon hearing her old friend's voice.

A creak had her attention moving to James behind the wheel. He was peering warily out of the windshield at Clint, his brow a straight line of concern. His fingers were tight around the steering wheel and she realised that the creak was a cry of protest from the leather beneath his fingers.

"Hey," she said softly. "You good?"

"Yes," he replied, his voice unsure. He rolled his shoulders and released the wheel, flexing his fingers absently. "I'm just…" He seemed to lose his words, his lips thinning into a hard line and Rory looked back to the house. She could see Natasha on the porch, smiling at Steve and Sam as they walked up the steps toward her.

"I get it." Rory said with a small nod, reaching in to take his hand. He stared at her fingers as she threaded them through his. "But these people are safe. Clint was my supervising officer and Natasha – "

"Natasha was Red Room," he said and her eyebrow rose.

"Natasha changed sides," Rory reminded him gently. "Just like me. Just like you."

"I know." He said nothing more for a few moments. "I remember her. It's strange… we were together…I think. The memories are… _interesting_ …" He let the thought trail off and it took Rory a few seconds to realise what he meant.

"Oh you were _together_ together," Rory said, her eyes wide. She had originally thought they'd been together as partners, or together as trainer-student. But _together_ together meant a whole different thing. Maybe he was nervous about seeing her again after so long.

"As together as people can be in that place." He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his head with his free hands. A bubble of laughter welled up but she pushed it down. The action was such a Steve thing to do that she wondered who had learned it from whom.

"Well… I'm sure she still remembers you." Rory said softly, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. His eyes narrowed slyly and a smirk touched his lips.

"There's no way she could forget me, doll. I've been told I'm pretty unforgettable in that respect." The teasing tone made her freeze but it was the laugh that rumbled through his chest that almost had her falling out of the car. She couldn't believe the flirty nerve of the man.

She'd been warned about Bucky Barnes but this was… well, she could see the appeal.

"James Buchanan Barnes!" she squawked awkwardly as she opened the car door. Rain splashed her in the face. "You are…"

"Oh come on. It's the truth!" he called after her as she got out and strode away. Steve's eyebrows were furrowed as she stomped up the porch steps to where he'd been waiting, peering into the darkness like a worried father.

"Everything ok?" Steve questioned, his eyes flicking between the two.

"Perfect." She smiled sweetly at Steve before throwing a glance at James who was hot on her heels. "He's just _fine_." She shook her head and James chuckled again.

She pulled up short as the screen door opened again and Clint stood in front of her with a towel in his hands. The words she'd been about to throw at James were lost on her lips as she held her breath upon meeting Clint's gaze.

"Nice of you to come home, Dugan," he said, clearing his throat. He crossed his arms and Rory felt her stomach plummet. She hadn't expected anger from Clint. Sadness, annoyance or disappointment maybe… but not anger.

"Go easy on her, Barton," Natasha's voice warned as she appeared behind him. Nat took the towel from Clint and handed it to Rory, who took it with a grateful smile.

"I supposed you _have_ had a few people yell at you lately." He rubbed his chin. "And you did just spend 19 hours in a car with your ex…" A grin spread over his face and she heard Steve let out a small huff. "I guess that's enough punishment for a lifetime."

A laugh bubble out from Rory's lips as she flung herself into Clint's arms. He was familiar and warm, and smelled like fresh soap on a sunny day. He held her tightly for a long moment, lifting her ever so slightly off the ground and squeezing her until she couldn't breathe.

"I am honestly surprised to see you both together," he said as he righted her on her feet. His arm stayed glued around her shoulders and she turned to face James and Steve.

"Well, we both have a common interest that we care very much about." She glanced at Steve before looking at James. He was looking pointedly at the ground, his bionic hand tucked tightly into his hoodie pocket.

There was a pause as Clint took in the new face. "This is James," Rory said into the silence.

"Barnes. Yeah, Nat told me," Clint said softly, sizing the man up. There was a tense moment where Rory didn't know what would happen. She glanced nervously between the two men when James finally met Clint's gaze.

Nat and Clint seemed to be close but she had never been sure with them. She knew they had a history and if James and Nat had a history she would have told him. She held her breath, only releasing it once Clint offered his hand.

"You were my favourite Commando when I was a kid," he said stupidly and Rory let out a groan.

"Oh I like him," Sam muttered through a laugh and a grin as he tried to avoid the filthy look Steve was shooting him.

James nodded slowly, withdrawing his hand and tucking it deep into his pockets again.

"C'mon then, let's get inside. I have food if anyone is hungry. Its just stew but it's my grandma's recipe and it's probably the greatest food in the world…"

Rory's stomach let out a rumble as if on cue. "Starved, actually," she admitted, earning a laugh from Steve.

"You ate like an hour ago," he said as everyone trekked inside and the door closed behind him.

"More like 4 and I hadn't had much to eat before that," she shot back, poking her tongue out at him childishly. He opened his mouth to retort something as equally childish but a hand found her arm and pulled her away. Rory smiled at Natasha before the two embraced tightly.

"Thank you for this," she murmured into her friend's hair, her eyes stinging with tears of gratitude and love for the ex-KGB agent.

"I knew trouble wouldn't stay away from you for long, _sestrenka_ ," Natasha replied, dropping a kiss to Rory's cheek. She turned to James after a second and gave him a once over. " _You haven't changed at all,"_ she said to him in Russian, her voice throaty and low. James shrugged a shoulder in response.

" _Your hair is shorter but I still know your face, Natalia."_

Natasha's eyes widened ever so slightly but a smile touched her lips. "It's Natasha now. I left Natalia behind a long time ago."

James nodded and Natasha seemed satisfied with that. She turned toward the kitchen.

"Come on. You can tell us everything over some food." She beckoned to them, her arm resting around Rory's shoulders. "Clint is _very_ interested to hear all about what you've been doing," she said slyly, grinning when Rory glanced at her with narrowed eyes. "He doesn't quite believe that our little protégé turned dark side on us."

"It was for a mission," Rory sighed as they entered the kitchen. The moment she smelled food her mouth watered. Whatever Clint had cooked smelled heavenly and she couldn't wait to eat.

"Yeah but it's _you_. You're literally a SHIELD Legacy," Clint replied, pulling out a seat as he passed. Rory took it, sitting as Steve and Sam crowded either side of her. "How the hell does a SHIELD legacy get accepted into Hydra's ranks?"

Rory glanced around before she answered, looking for James. She found him in the doorway. She tipped her head for him to come and join but he shook his, his eyes flicking to Natasha across from Rory and back. He rested his shoulder against the doorframe, a silent protest that he would stay where he was for now.

"By proving my worth," she replied softly, turning back to Clint. "I used my anger to show them what I was capable of." Clint's eyebrow rose so Rory sighed and started from the beginning. From when she found out about her family secret and she accepted the mission from Fury, to when she realised she was in so deep that she didn't have an out.

"Brock _Rumlow_?" Clint said in a voice that was filled with both shock and disgust. "How the hell did you cross paths with Brock Rumlow?"

"Hydra. He's Hydra and he trained me," Rory replied, not looking away from Clint for fear of catching Steve's eyes. "He was a bit of fun, a way to let off some steam but he wasn't supposed to –" _Fall in love with me;_ she cut herself off before she could say the words.

"Sucks to be you," Clint snorted, shaking his head. "Rumlow is the biggest piece of shit I've ever met."

"Yeah, well, I wasn't in a good place. I was trying to keep shit together. I was _trying_ to prove a whole bunch of fucked up things that don't matter and I was _trying_ to keep myself alive… I made a mistake." Rory ran a shaking hand through her hair. "Brock seemed like a way to get in, stay in and manipulate my way to wherever I needed to go."

"So… you pulled a move straight from the Black Widow Handbook and shacked up with a man who is basically your ex boyfriend but worse." Clint gave a laugh and Rory's eyes narrowed.

"Hey, I'm _right here_." Natasha protested but it was drowned out.

"Not Steve, the _other_ one," he added as an after thought.

"Oh fuck you, Barton." Rory hissed. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment but she refused to look away from him. "It worked… right up until he admitted he loved me and I realised I may have gone too far."

"You think?" Clint rolled his eyes, lifting his hands in defence. " Easy. I'm just pointing out that your taste in men sucks ass, Aurora."

"Steve's right here too," Natasha piped up, this time earning a severe glare from Rory. The red head merely smirked and shrugged, looking down at her stew to take a bite.

"So he's the one who's after you and Hydra is after him." Clint looked between the two wanted fugitives, shaking his head like an exasperated father.

Rory nodded, placing her empty bowl on the table in front of her.

"Vasily Karpov to be exact," she added. There was a clatter as Natasha dropped her bowl, the remanets painting the floor around her feet.

"Karpov?" Natasha asked in a voice barely above a whisper. "Karpov is _dead_."

Rory looked over to Natasha and found her staring with wide eyes at James in the doorway. It took Rory a few moments to register that she was seeing fear on Natasha's face, an emotion that was rare for the world's deadliest assassin.

"Karpov is only dead for those he needs to be dead for," James muttered, not moving an inch.

"I take it you know him then?" Clint broke the silence, his hand coming to rest gently on Natasha's shoulder.

She cleared her throat.

"Vasily Karpov worked the Red Room while I was there. He's ruthless and efficient. He oversaw the training that the Winter Soldier inflicted on us," she explained concisely, her words feeling unnatural and forced as if it were an effort for Natasha to speak. "He was the one who discovered our –"

Rory heard James' sharp intake of breath and then he was gone, his boots sounding like drumbeats as he disappeared from the kitchen. Rory rose from her chair but Natasha caught her hand.

"If Karpov is after him then he stands no hope. Karpov made him. The Winter Soldier is Soviet property and they're going to want him back. They will destroy anything in their way to get what is theirs." The Russian's warning was tainted with pain and sorrow and shook Rory to her core. She pulled her hand from Natasha's and followed after James, The Widow's words ringing in her ears.

She found James pacing in the living room, his eyes tracking every window as if there was something out there staring right back into the house.

"You good?" she asked the two words that had somehow become their phrase.

His back stiffened and he shook his head once.

"I remember Karpov. I can't _forget_ Karpov," he said through clenched teeth. "He made me and he knows how to destroy me." He loosed a breath, tapping his head. "The American's handled me. They wiped me and ordered me however they wanted but they never _used_ me." His words were rapid, like a thread was unravelling inside of him, fraying as if to snap at any moment.

Rory kept her distance and held her hands up. She slid the door shut behind her and hoped the others would know to steer clear of the room for the moment.

"Is this why your memories keep coming back?" she asked, choosing her words carefully.

"It's why I remember everything they have ever made me do," he replied. "It's why I know who I killed and why I killed them. It's why I remember their punishments. Why I remembered you so quickly. They never had the right programming."

Rory frowned, confused by his words.

"But you did as asked."

"I did because the pull was there… but the stories about me being a machine aren't lies. They aren't tales spun to scare people." He ran a hand through his hair, desperation blooming on his hard features. "There's a book that the Soviets have – that Karpov has. It's a book that renders me nothing more than a living and breathing machine."

"You think Karpov would use this book?" she asked, trying to stop her heart thundering in her chest.

"I know he would. If he thinks he's lost me then he would try. I don't know how long I can go without being reprogrammed… I don't… I've never…"

"Five weeks," she answered him, recalling what Pierce had told her when he'd given her the job. "Five weeks before you can't be wiped again; ten if they push it, but after that you can't be frozen. You probably can't be wiped either."

James' nostrils flared as he drew a breath.

"How do you –"

"I was your handler. I had the proverbial user manual for a time… I didn't know about the book though." She let herself smile and rolled her shoulders.

"No one did," his voice dropped and sadness crept into his tone. The threat of him losing control was low and she moved closer to him. "I've pulled you and everyone in this house into a mess. I don't know why you bothered to help me…"

She let out a small laugh and folded her arms. "I don't know if you noticed this James, but I was kind of in trouble myself." Rory shrugged a shoulder. "And I promised you I would help you. Even if you don't remember it, I did. Besides, it's not like everyone in this house hasn't been in hot water before."

"That's not the point. Karpov is a dangerous man and he knows how to use me. I don't want to be used against those I care about." His eyes flickered back toward the kitchen and she wondered if he was talking about Steve and Natasha too.

"I will do my best to ensure that that does not happen." She reached for him and took his hand. "You just have to trust me."

His shoulders heaved as he looked down at her and he nodded.

"I do."

"Good." She smiled again and squeezed his fingers before dropping them. "I think it's time for a well deserved sleep in a proper bed without the threat of Hydra attacking us from all sides." She stifled a yawn. "For one night at least."

He didn't say anything more as she headed for the doorway but he didn't have to. She knew that he was eternally grateful for what she was doing and that was all that mattered to her.

* * *

Author Note:

Yo I am sooooo sorry it's been a while since I last updated. In that time I have gone through a number of things and I really have had no time to write.

I'm back into it however and the end of this story is still going through a number of rewrites so I will hopefully have things out sooner rather than later. I promise it won't be another 6 months between chapters. I'm really sorry about that.

Till next time, leave me a message or sent me an email! I do like hearing from you all!

Playlist:

A Horse with No Name - America

(Don't Fear) the reaper - Blue Oyster Cult

Paint it, Black - Rolling Stones


	19. Enouement

Metanoia

Chapter 19: Enouement

* * *

Rory slept soundly for the first time in weeks.

When she woke up, it took her a few moments to adjust to where she was. The room was bright; the walls a blinding white as the light streamed through the open window. She guessed it was late morning and she'd slept in. Falling back against the pillow, a smile touched her lips as she remembered where she was.

She was at Barton's home.

She was Safe.

Her body felt better after a good rest and for the first time in weeks she didn't feel like she was struggling through hot tar just to move. Clint hadn't been kidding when he'd said his grandmothers' stew was the secret to a good nights rest. It could also have been the safety that came with being in the middle of nowhere surrounded by the world's deadliest people.

She didn't care which reason it was, she felt fantastic and that was all that mattered.

Looking around, Rory took her time waking up. Natasha was out of the room they were sharing, so she lazed in bed for a few minutes and enjoyed the solitude. Somewhere in the house she could hear a radio that was playing a pop song she didn't know. The coffee maker was going in the kitchen and she could hear a whole farm worth of animal sounds that would make Old McDonald happy. It was so peaceful, she wondered if they could just stay there forever. It was obvious why Clint had happily retired.

By the time she rolled out of bed and showered, it was gone 9. The smell of something delicious and sweet wafted up the stairs, making her stomach growl loudly. When she entered the kitchen, she was practically drooling.

"Well hey there sleeping beauty," Clint greeted her with a big smile as he stood by the stove with a frying pan in his hand. "I wondered if the smell of bacon and pancakes would wake you up."

"Clearly you know me too well, Barton." Rory smiled and swiped a piece of bacon off of the plate Sam was carrying past her. He let out an indignant 'hey' which she promptly ignored.

"Yeah, that'll happen," Clint replied. "Sit. I'll dish you up some of everything."

Rory did as told and looked around the table. She frowned when she realised both the super soldiers were missing.

"Where are –"

"Chopping wood," Natasha replied from behind her newspaper. It flopped down and she met Rory's confused frown with a perked eyebrow. "Don't ask. I have no idea why but they are and honestly, if you go and look you won't be complaining at all." The last statement was emphasised with a wicked grin and Rory's curiosity was piqued enough to get up and leave the table for a moment.

"Oh come on Nat, they're not pieces of meat," Sam complained loudly, shaking his head.

"Jealous we're checking them out and not you?" Natasha countered and Rory smothered a laugh. She pushed her way onto the front porch and stopped by the rail when her eyes fell on what Natasha meant.

The two men seemed to be in some kind of competition to see who could break the biggest piece of wood… the only difference was that the axe was in several pieces beside the mountain of timber and they were using their hands to break tree trunks into pieces

"They broke the axe about two logs in…" Natasha said in a low voice as she joined Rory by the rail. "James picked up a hunk of wood and ripped it apart with his metal hand… so of course –"

"Steve had to try it too." Rory rolled her eyes in amusement.

Steve had a competitive streak almost as long as his stubborn one. She drew a breath as his shoulders and back bunched while he pulled apart a tree trunk thicker than his torso. The crack reverberated through the air, echoing around the empty space. It was followed up by a laugh from both of them.

"Hot damn," she murmured without thinking. Both men turned at the sound of her voice and grins broke out on their faces. James lifted his arm in a wave and she smiled back, her eyes catching Steve's as he wiped his brow.

Seriously, _hot damn_.

"I told you."

Natasha smirked, nudging her with her elbow as James picked up a trunk that was even bigger than Steve's. He flashed them a grin as he started pulling on it, the metal plates of his arm whirring loudly before it broke apart, showering the pair with dirt and wood chips. There was silence for a moment before they peeled off into laughter. "It's good to see Steve smiling… He hasn't done that too much since –" The Widow cut herself off with a small clearing of her throat and Rory winced.

"Yeah. I can imagine what that's like," Rory muttered. She turned her back on the scene as Steve lifted his shirt to wipe the dirt and wood off his face and flashed his impressive physique. The same physique she'd spent two years trying to forget but remembered anyway, especially on lonely nights where she had nothing better to do than to get lost in her memories.

"I didn't mean to make you feel bad…" Nat followed her back to the kitchen and Rory nodded.

"I know. I think I kind of deserve it though."

She forced herself to smile as she took her seat. Natasha's hand fell on the back of her neck and she squeezed once before dropping a quick kiss to her crown.

"At this rate I won't need to use electricity at all this winter," Clint spoke cheerfully as he pushed the plate of food toward Rory. "You need to eat. You're too skinny." He gave her a look that reminded her of a father and she picked up her knife and fork.

"Yes sir, Mama Barton, Sir." She mock saluted before tucking in.

It wasn't long before James and Steve trudged inside, still snickering about the log explosion.

"Wood's chopped, Barton," Steve said casually as he took a seat beside Rory.

"Chopped or torn apart?" Rory replied dryly and Steve caught her eye over his coffee cup. With a casual hand she reach over and brushed some bark off his shoulder, her fingers brushing his jaw before she withdrew them.

"The axe broke. What else were we supposed to do?" James interrupted, a suspiciously mischievous glint in his eyes. She hadn't seen this side of James much, but it seemed being around Steve and feeling safe really made him let his guard down. She liked it.

"I suppose you're right. Those muscles really do go to waste if you're not saving the world." She winked at him and he snorted.

"I never saved the world, Doll." He shook his head. He reached for a stack of pancakes that Natasha was passing him.

"You did once or twice," Steve cut in with a shrug.

"Yeah man, I've watched those Howling Commando movies like a thousand times… You definitely saved the world," Clint stated. Rory watched James' grip on his plate shift from relaxed to cautious and his lips turn into thin lines. She leant forward to touch his hand but he took a breath before she could, lifting his head as he exhaled.

"There are _movies_?" James asked and Sam laughed.

"Oh god yes. There are the ones you guys made in the 40s and the those were remade in the 80s which, in my opinion, is the Golden Age of action films." He turned to Rory, a frown on his face. "Who played him again? Costner? Lowe?"

"Mel Gibson," Rory replied with a twitch of her lips. She saw Steve's lips pop open in surprise out of the corner of her eye and she turned to him. "What?"

"You knew about them?" he asked in a surprised voice. She grinned.

"I forgot about them til now. I was young when they came out. First one came out before I was born." She laughed at a memory surfacing of when she was a kid. "Grant and Tim were big fans."

"I feel like that is something that should have been on your list for me," he said with a mock pout and she laughed again.

"I'm sorry. I'm sure we can find them somewhere and watch them anyway. I never actually got to finish that list."

"I've got them… somewhere," Clint piped up from the kitchen. "Barney had the VCRs. They're probably in the attic."

"You've still got a player?" Sam said through a barking laugh.

"This house has been untouched for a lo-o-ong time," Clint reasoned with a casual shrug of his shoulder. He disappeared for a few minutes before he returned. "Found them."

Rory let out a laugh and wriggled her fingers at him, wanting to see the movie case again.

"Oh my god, this looks _awful_." She laughed, turning the faded plastic over in her hands. "We need to watch it immediately."

"We really don't." Bucky shook his head, taking the tape from her. His lip was pulled back in distaste and he was frowning deeply, which made Rory laugh.

"What's wrong, J? Scared it'll make you remember something?" she teased. James side-eyed her, shaking his head.

"No, I'm scared it'll give me nightmares," he replied, standing and following the others into the living room. Rory muffled a laugh and followed, taking her place on the couch between Sam and Steve.

* * *

"Well…that was _terrible_ ," Steve stated with a laugh as the end credits on the first movie started to roll. "That wasn't even close to what happened."

"Yeah, I don't really remember it but even I think that's total bullshit," James agreed from his place on the floor beside Rory's legs. He reached his hand back blindly and dug around in the popcorn bowl for some more but found only kernels. He pouted and pulled his arm back, resting his elbow on Rory's knee.

"It's taken from the movies you guys made as propaganda." Rory laughed, "Are you saying the American Military _lied_ to the people to get them to follow you?" She raised a mocking brow and looked between James by her knees and Steve at her side.

The two men looked between one another conspiratorially before James shrugged.

"I'm pleading POW trauma. I don't remember," he said so innocently that Rory couldn't stifle the laugh that escaped her lips. She pushed his arm until it slipped off her knee and shook her head.

"You're terrible," she muttered, turning to look at Steve. "What's your excuse then, Steve?" She asked, quirking a brow as if challenging him to bullshit.

"I have no excuse… I'm very aware that I was used," he replied with a shrug. Rory pursed her lips before she shook her head. "But it did the job so I can't complain."

"But you'll complain about an amazing piece of 80s classic cinema." Sam rolled his eyes. "You really are an old man."

Rory let out a laugh and ducked forward as Steve reach behind her to punch Sam in the arm. She didn't miss the way he slid his arm back slowly across her shoulders. His touch left a tingle on her bare skin and she suppressed a shiver as the credits for the next movie started to roll across the opening scene.

They hadn't had the opportunity to talk about what had happened between them in Boston but that didn't mean she'd forgotten. There was no way she could, even if she'd wanted to. The memory of it was seared in her mind, much like the very first night they'd been together. The two situations were eerily similar – hard and fast, neither one knowing if it was the right thing to do but not caring for that moment regardless.

It couldn't go any further, she reasoned, her focus no longer on the terrible movie playing for them but on the problem at hand. It was one moment that was long over due and that was all. As much as she wanted it to all be ok and for them to be together again, they had to finish whatever the hell kind of trouble they were in first.

But it was hard to be convincing when his fingers were lightly touching her shoulder, drawing small shapes that made her spine shiver and her skin prickle with goosebumps.

Looking out of the corner of her eye she knew he knew what he was doing. She could see the light tug of his lips and the crinkle at the corner of his eyes. She dug her elbow into his side but only succeeded in letting him pull her closer.

Her heart raced but she burrowed in like she belonged there. There would be a time for reality to destroy the happiness that was bubbling in her chest but right now was not it.

It was late.

* * *

Steve had heard the clock in the front hall chime 11 a while ago… or had it been 12? He couldn't remember. He was distracted and as he stared into the fire that crackled and danced in front of his eyes, the list of problems they had to tackle sooner or later only seemed to grow and grow.

No matter what way he looked at it, both Hydra and the U.S. Government wanted both Bucky and Aurora either dead or behind bars. At this point in time he really didn't know the distinction between the two organisations, if there was any.

They also had two other glaring and specific problems: Brock Rumlow, the psychotic ex of Aurora's, who would stop at nothing to get her back only to kill her, and Vasily Karpov, the Russian wildcard who wanted his weapon back to kill others.

Steve honestly didn't know what to tackle first and despite his training as a strategist and a solider, a cloud of anxiety kept invading his mind and sending it off track in a panic.

What if he couldn't save them? What if he could only save one? Who would he save when it came down to it?

The questions rolled around in his head like an avalanche, gathering size and weight and uncontrolled stress, blocking out any potential solutions to their problems.

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't hear the light footsteps enter the living room, nor did he hear their soft voice calling to him until they were right beside him.

Steve jumped at the light touch on his shoulder, rising fast and rounding on his opponent without thinking. Instead of a threat, he found Aurora, now a foot away with her hands held high. She had two bottles of beer dangling from her fingertips and was looking at him in surprise.

"Hey, it's ok. It's just me," she said in a low voice, a smile pulling at her lips.

Steve loosed a breath and rolled his shoulders. His fingers ached and he realised his fists had been clenched and ready to throw a punch at the girl, all because he'd let his guard down.

"Sorry," he muttered lamely, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair. "I didn't hear you come in."

"I can see that," Rory replied, moving closer, holding out the bottle of beer for him to take. "You good?" She asked as he took the bottle and cracked it open.

He nodded as he sat back down in the overstuffed armchair by the fire.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Steve replied, a sigh escaping with his words.

"Do you want to be left alone?" Her voice was small and he shook his head, turning to look at her over his shoulder.

"No, it's ok. I'm… not doing anything anyway." He mustered a smile and cocked his head for her to join him. "What's up?"

"Nothing's up." She shook her head as she perched herself on the arm of the chair he was in. She tipped the bottle back and took a drag, the light catching on the condensation on the glass. "I just didn't hear you come up to bed, figured you might be lost in that mind of yours." She tapped his forehead with her knuckles, smiling softly. He closed his eyes and nodded, letting his head drop between his shoulders.

"I'm not lost," he murmured, opening his eyes to look at the cold bottle in his hands. "I just don't know what to do right now."

"So don't dwell on it," she replied and he gave a small sigh.

"It's kind of important, don't you think? You and Bucky are both wanted by some pretty dangerous people. What if I – we can't help you?"

There was silence as she shifted beside him, wiggling herself so that she was sitting more securely on the arm, her back against the high back of the seat beside his shoulder. She took another drink.

"You don't need to help me. I'm perfectly ok."

"You have half of Hydra after you and a psychotic ex-boyfriend wants you dead… how is anything about that ok?" he deadpanned, an incredulous look in his eyes.

"Because I have a team and a normal, not-psycho ex- _fiancé_ at my back, ready to help me if I need it?" Aurora shrugged easily. She sighed when he didn't crack a smile and traced her finger around the neck of the bottle. "Brock… well, he's dangerous but I can take care of him." Steve's brow raised further, his expression a non-verbal _what the fuck._ "I knew what I was getting into with him from day one. I just didn't expect him to fall in love with me the way he did, but then again –"

"You never do." Steve rolled his eyes and she shoved his shoulder, her hand cool and damp from the bottle. "It's the classic, Rory Dugan play right? Make a guy fall in love and then act surprised when it happens?"

"Fuck you," Rory said with absolutely no conviction at all. The laugh that had escaped at the same time dulled her words.

"Maybe later," he shot back lazily, letting a snort of his own out. He sucked in a breath, feeling the dull thrum of anxiety lifting for the first time in hours. He looked up at her and found her gaze on the fire. The orange light turned her skin yellow and made her hair an auburn halo of fire around her face. Her eyes were warm and bright and he wanted to commit that image to his memory for the rest of eternity.

"Probably wouldn't be a great idea right now," she said in a low voice, her eyes dropping from the fire to the bottle in her hands.

"It probably wasn't a good idea in the first place," Steve countered. She glanced at him.

"Do you regret it?"

"Christ, no." He shook his head. "Do you?"

"Not really." She shrugged.

The two locked eyes for a moment, unspoken words turning the air thick with trepidation.

"Did you mean it… when you said you don't hate me?" he asked, his voice sounding small and unsure. The conversation that acted as a prelude to sex had played over in his mind almost as much as the sex itself.

"Of course I meant it," she replied, her palm coming up to rest on his cheek. "There is nothing that we could have done to change the outcome of what happened. I understand this and I get it. This was my mistake. I shouldn't have run."

Her voice cracked and she cleared her throat hastily. He brought his hand up and covered hers, holding it against his face.

"Do you think we have a shot at fixing this?" he asked, his fingers linking through hers. He pulled her hand around to his lips and kissed her palm.

"I don't know and I don't think we should think about it right now." She shook her head. Her words were gentle but they were still rejection. He nodded, exhaling gently as not to sigh. "You said yourself we have a lot to think about. We shouldn't complicate things by trying to figure us out as well." She used her other hand to pinch his chin and pull his gaze back to her. "That doesn't mean we won't."

"Just not right now," Steve murmured. She leant forward and kissed him gently before sitting back and settling onto the armchair again. Her fingers still stayed linked with his and they felt silent for a while.

"Do you ever think about what would have happened if we hadn't… if you hadn't –"

"Lost the baby?" she supplied when his words failed. "Oh yeah, once or twice." Rory smiled, sadness tingeing the edges of her eyes. "We would have been parents. How crazy is that?"

"You would have been great," he smiling in response and taking Rory's had to squeeze her fingers.

"I would have had no idea what to do."

"Yes you would've. I've seen you with your nieces and nephews. You're a natural."

"They're not mine," she replied with a small laugh. "I can give them back when things get tough. Can't exactly give my own back."

"No, but that's where I come in." He smiled again, glancing up at her.

"Captain America saves the day?" she teased, returning his smile with a thousand-watt one that was just for him.

"Captain Dad, you mean." He winked, tipping his bottle back to take a drag. "Less political, and the uniform is more comfortable."

She laughed then, leaning into him and taking a drink herself.

"You could have had that boy you always wanted first," she asked after a moment.

Steve frowned slightly as he thought.

"I would have been happy either way but a boy would have been nice."

"A baby superhero," Rory teased gently. "Ready to help you save the world, or play ball in the garden with."

"Hey, a girl could do that too… We could have had a girl after. Given him something to protect." He shrugged easily. Aurora turned on the arm of the couch and swung her legs across his lap, so her feet were on the other side.

She leant forward, folding onto her knees to look at him. She caged him in, their faces close, but her features were cast in shadows, the only colour coming from her hair and the light that lit her up from behind.

"I did like having older brothers… but sometimes they were pains," Rory confessed and he laughed.

"So you would have wanted a girl instead?"

"Yeah, I think I would have." She nodded. "She would have been _such_ a daddy's girl though, I know it."

"Probably," he agreed. "I always like the name Sarah. That was my mothers name."

"Mine too."

"Well, at least we can agree on that."

They fell silent then and Steve let his thoughts run away with him. He'd tried hard not to think about what could have been for so long that now they were talking about it, he couldn't help himself.

Would she have had red hair or blonde?

Amber eyes or blue?

Would he have been tall or short?

Have the health problems that Steve had had as a kid or be healthy because of the serum?

So many questions that would never have answers and he hated them all.

Not once did his eyes leave Aurora for a second as he thought through all of these and he saw the exact moment she started crying. Her face crumpled and she held herself tighter. A small gulp escaped her lips and he gathered her into his lap and held her tight.

"I'm sorry that I lost it," Rory whispered against his neck. "I'm sorry that I didn't know. I'm sorry that I –"

"Hey, sweetheart stop. It's ok. None of it was your fault," Steve murmured into her hair. "It happened and I should have told you and we should have worked this out together." He felt her nod and tightened his hold. "I'm sorry I did this to us."

"So am I."

He kissed her hair again and let his lips rest there for a moment. They had needed this. They had needed to talk without fighting, listen without judgment and accept the past that wouldn't change.

Steve knew it would be a long time before they were ok to even consider getting back to where they'd been but he knew he wasn't going to give up. He would tackle their problems one by one until there was nothing left to deal with except this between them and then he would fix that as well… because he knew, without a doubt that the woman in his arms was meant to be there and she always had.

His mother had always said fate had a funny way of doing things and he was only just now beginning to see what she meant by that.

* * *

Author's Note:

Nothing new to report. Still writing the ending. Sorry about the delay.

Playlist:

Truth is a Beautiful Thing - London Grammar

Close but not Quite - Everything is Recorded, Sampha

Splinters in the Fire - Husky

Closure - LEO


	20. Meliorism

Metanoia

Chapter 20 - Meliorism

* * *

"Do you remember the day you puked on a dame at Coney Island because you went on the roller coaster too many times?" Steve asked as he looked up from the old motorbike he was fixing on Clint's front lawn.

James sat on the grass beside him, handing him different tools as he needed them. Aurora wasn't far off, sitting on the porch steps with a book and a cup of tea in her hands. She looked up with a small frown at his question and Steve had to hide a grin.

The couple of weeks they'd spent on Clint's farm had been nice. Relaxing. They were safe here. The ability to recharge their batteries, to unwind for just a moment, was appreciated and very much needed. They knew they'd have to figure out what to do sooner rather than later, but for now they just enjoyed the serenity.

Steve used the down time to get to know the man who looked and spoke like his old friend. He used it to reconnect with Aurora, and for the first time he felt like he was making headway with both of them.

"Uh… No. No I don't remember that," James answered with a shake of his head. He handed Steve a wrench, his brow furrowed in concentration as he tried to recall the memory. Steve cleared his throat and focused on the bike in front of him.

"We'd met these dames at the ice cream parlour earlier in the day. Dot and Betty. Real pretty. We ran into them after you'd been on the cyclone for about the hundredth time." Steve told the story with a wave of the wrench every so often for emphasis.

"Steve…" Aurora's warning was low but playful and he shot her a grin over the seat of the bike. Her eyebrow was raised accusingly. She knew this story and she knew this was _not_ how it went.

Steve struggled to hold back a smile.

"They wanted to go on the Cyclone again and I said _Buck, you probably shouldn't you'll be sick_ …. and you said –"

"No Stevie, c'mon it'll be fine…" Bucky said slowly, a frown furrowing his brow. "but –"

"You did it anyway and when we got off you puke _all_ over Dot's shoes. Really pal, it was embarrassing," Steve insisted, trying to hide his grin. He bit the inside of his cheek as he heard Aurora let out a huff that could have been a laugh but also could have been exasperation. He glanced at Bucky, finding his friends' face pinched with confusion until it lit up in indignation.

"You _jerk_!" Bucky exclaimed with a laugh. " _I_ didn't puke on Dot's shoes! _You_ did!" He threw a spanner at Steve, who dodged it narrowly, and flipped him off. "You punk. I _wasn't_ the puking wonder. You were… Which was a damn shame because I think Betty had a thing for me... Don't lie to me, jerk!"

"You remembered, didn't you?" Steve asked, laughing loudly. He caught Rory's eyes again and she rolled them, going back to her book with a shake of her head. He grinned, knowing she was still watching out of the corner of her eye.

His heart pulled tightly as he took a breath. It hurt sometimes how much he missed her.

"When are you going to make things right?" Bucky said softly, pulling Steve's attention away from the girl on the steps.

"What?" Steve frowned, clearing his throat. He knew his ears were turning red at being caught staring, so he focused on what he was doing to the motorbike. At least he tried to focus. It took him a few seconds to remember what he had been fixing and Bucky snorted loudly.

"I see how you look at each other," Bucky went on, leaning back on his hands to crane his neck to look at Rory. "You need to fix it."

"I don't know how and the damage I did isn't something to fix." Steve shook his head, clearing his throat. "Besides, it's been 2 years. Neither of us feel that way about each other anymore..."

Bucky was silent for a moment as he watched Rory, which worried Steve a little. He glanced at his friend.

"So you wouldn't mind if I kind of, sort of, liked her a little?" Bucky asked, turning back to look at Steve.

Steve's lungs tightened, a feeling only equal to being punched and he struggled to breathe for a moment. He knew it was bound to happen. His friend had fallen for his girl and was now asking for permission to –

"Oh Jesus Steve, breathe." Bucky's eyes went wide and he sat forward. His shoulders shook as he tried to contain his laugh but a snort escaped anyway and Steve frowned. "You should'a seen your face."

It took Steve a moment to realize he had been joking, and while Steve was happy his friend was finding his sense of humor, he wasn't too thrilled at being at the butt of his jokes.

"Who's the jerk now, huh?" Steve bit out, tossing the wrench back toward the laughing man. "That wasn't funny."

"No but it proves my point that you're still sweet on her."

"Alright fine. I mean, how couldn't I be?" Steve rolled his eyes, gesturing in Aurora's general direction. "I know I fucked up but I don't know how to fix it."

"We'll work on it. Trust me, I don't see Rory as anything more than a friend and kick-ass partner and, honestly, I think she'd look right through me if I stood in front of her buck-ass nude." He frowned hard for a second, a look Steve was coming to recognise with being attached to a memory. "Why do I feel like that already happened?"

"You weren't nude, and it was Peg, not Rory… but you were _so_ mad about it." Steve snorted, shaking his head as a memory of Peggy Carter snubbing Bucky in favour of Steve during the war flashed over his mind. "I think that was the first time a dame had overlooked you for me."

"Must run in the family then," Bucky grumbled, throwing himself on the grass to stare up at the sky as Steve continued working on the bike.

"What? Having taste?" Steve teased. Rory snorted behind her book, not looking up but alerting Steve to the fact that she'd heard everything they'd said. His gut tightened with anxiety. He wanted her to weigh in on how she was feeling about this, particularly the issue of ' _them_ ', if that was even still something that could be there.

"I was going to say _not_ having taste if they're interested in a mug like yours." Bucky lifted himself up onto his elbow, picking at the grass.

Steve kept his eyes forward but in his periphery he could see Rory forcing herself not to smile. Her lips were pursed and there was a wrinkle in her brow that he wanted to smooth out with his thumb.

Or his lips.

" _Pathetic_ ," Bucky muttered under his breath and Steve opened his mouth to tell him to shut up but when his eyes landed on the tall, stretched out form of James Buchanan Barnes in the grass, his mind came to a grinding halt.

Instead of the bionic super soldier who had once tried to kill him lying in the grass, he saw James Buchanan Barnes, his old friend and brother. The tension was gone from the man's face and shoulders, and that lazy, almost bored expression was back in place. Bucky ran a hand through his floppy hair and Steve had to remind himself to breathe again.

Every single day something else was different about him. Things were changing. He'd overheard Aurora and Bucky discussing that it was probably because he was getting closer to the point where Hydra couldn't wipe him again without killing him and for that Steve was glad. If they could just hold on a little longer Hydra might leave them alone.

A shout from inside disturbed the peacefulness of Steve's world and he saw the moment Bucky went from relaxed to on guard, his body going rigid as he sprang to his feet and searched for the threat.

"Hey! Hey you guys better get in here and see this!" Sam's voice shouted again and the screen door banged open to reveal the man looked as stressed as Bucky.

Steve dropped the wrench and followed Bucky toward the house, stopping only to help Aurora to her feet. They entered the living room together and found everyone else crowded around Clint's small TV screen. Natasha leaned forward and turned up the volume.

"… _terrorist attack is unfolding at Santa Monica Pier, California. It is believed a group of masked and armed vigilantes have stormed the beach, terrorising tourists and locals alike –"_

"Jesus Christ is that is –" Rory drew a breath, pulling up short as she watched the shaky camera-phone footage someone had taken of the black wave of soldiers as they moved along the beach and up the pier.

"Hydra," Steve finished for her. "They're Hydra."

"But what are they doing at the Pier?" Sam asked the question on everyone's minds.

Every station was showing the same or similar clips with anchors and reporters trying to make sense of what was going on. There were hostages taken, people who were hurt and just as Steve opened his mouth to tell the Avengers to suit up, his phone rang. A number he didn't know flashed up on the screen but he answered it anyway, guessing it was going to be someone important.

"This is Rogers."

" _Captain, it's Agent Hill,"_ Maria started talking in that clipped tone we was familiar with and he loosed a breath. _"I'm sorry to bother you but we have a situation."_

"Ah yeah, I'm watching the news… Who the hell are these guys?" He asked, scrubbing his hand through his hair. He could feel the other's eyes on him, feel them looking at him for guidance but he waited for Maria to respond.

"All we know is that they're Hydra and they're not… _normal_." She cleared her throat, her tone dropping at the last moment.

"Normal?"

" _They're like you, Steve. We don't know how, we don't know why, but nothing we're doing is bringing them down."_

Steve frowned at her words.

"Wait, 'We'? Who is _we_. I thought SHIELD was gone." He pinched his brow and paced.

" _SHIELD technically is gone but… they're not at the same time. There are still teams who are working…_ "

"So send them in," he bit out in annoyance. His eyes fell on Aurora and Bucky standing side by side and he stopped pacing. For the first time in his new life he didn't want to go running in head first to a situation to fix it. He had more important things to do now. Two people who needed him... He was torn between life and duty and he didn't know what to do.

" _We did_ , _"_ Maria bit back in the same tone. _"The deaths the news is reporting? They're ours… and we can't afford to loose anyone else."_ There was a pause and Steve heard her draw a deep breath." _We need you, Steve. We need the Avengers… I know you're busy hiding two wanted Hydra Agents –"_

" _-_ they aren't Hydra."

" – but _more people are going to die. I've already called Stark. He said he and Bruce are ready to go if you are._ "

Steve's jaw ticked as he looked between his friends. Natasha and Clint were peering at him, just waiting for his word. They knew what Maria wanted from them and he hoped they would help him out. His eyes shifted left and fell on Sam.

Sam knew something was happening and technically he wasn't an Avenger but he didn't think he could leave his friend behind even if he wanted to. Sam had run head first into the fray during the Battle on the Helicarriers and had proven his worth then. Steve knew he would do it again in a heartbeat.

Finally his gaze fell on Bucky and Aurora. He couldn't ask them to come. They would be arrested on sight if they were seen by anyone.

"Let me talk to them and I'll call you back," he said finally, looking down at the floor.

" _5 minutes. We don't have a lot of time, Steve._ "

The line went dead and he dropped the phone to his side.

"She wants us, doesn't she?" Clint was the first to speak, a tired wariness in his voice that Steve understood fully.

"These guys are different. She's suspecting they're super –"

"Karpov," Bucky said immediately and Steve met his gaze. "They're the others… the others like me."

"Probably," Steve agreed, realising that Hill didn't know about them. "Hill has sent teams in already to try and defuse the situation and they're dead. There are civilian hostages that need to be found and rescued before anything can go from bad to worse. Basically it's –"

"Uh Steve, you should watch this…" Natasha interrupted Steve's flow of speech and turned the television up. A black-masked face filled the screen. Down the front was a crudely painted white skull and all that could be seen of the person beneath were his cold and calculating eyes shined with bloodlust as he peered down the news camera.

"Where are your Avengers now, America?" the masked voice said, his voice clear despite the mask. Rory's gasp was quick and quiet but Steve had the same thought as her. He knew that voice. That voice belonged to Brock Rumlow. "Where are they? Could it be that they've run, now that their whole institution has fallen?" He reached off camera and grabbed someone, a reporter, and held a gun to his head. The man whimpered, his eyes closing and a prayer falling from his lips. "There's a new world order, starting today. SHIELD is gone and Hydra is taking its mantle. There's just some trash we need to take out."

The gun fired and silence rang as the TV screen cut back to a quiet studio where the news anchors sat silent with shock, their mouths open wide as they stared at the carnage that was unfolding off camera.

"Jesus christ the whole world just saw that," Natasha breathed out. "Was that -"

"Rumlow," Rory confirmed in a soft voice.

"He as an army," Steve agreed. He punched redial on his phone and Maria picked up after half a ring.

" _Did you_ –"

"We saw. We're coming. Get civilians out of there. Send us a quinjet to –"

"I have a jet, Steve," Clint said as he strode through the living room. Steve paused, his brow furrowed.

"You have a jet?"

"Yeah. I borrowed it in case I needed to get to you guys fast. It's in the barn." Clint shrugged a shoulder, opening a closet and pulling out his compound bow and a quiver full of arrows. He glanced back, noticing every staring at him in varying states of shock. "What? I said I was _semi_ -retired."

"Huh. Ok. Good… Uh we have a jet, we'll be there soon," he said to Maria, pulling the phone back to his mouth.

" _Thank Christ… tell Barton he's an ass. That jet almost cost me my damn job… See you soon."_

The line clicked off and Steve dropped the phone to the couch. The sight of his team getting assemble again made his chest swell with pride. He may have had other, more important things to do but right now they were going to help people, save them, which is all he'd ever wanted.

He grabbed Aurora's shoulder as she walked past him, knowing the look of determination on her face had everything to do with wanting to fight with them.

"You and Buck are staying here," he said as gently as he could. She spun on her heels and glared at him, wrenching her shoulder from his grasp.

"We damn well aren't!" Aurora exclaimed, but he held up a hand.

"I don't have time to argue with you, Aurora. It's too risky for you to be out in the open like that." Steve shook his head, moving past her to go and retrieve his suit from his room. She followed him, her anger like a hot wave at his back but she didn't say anything until they were in his room.

"This is bullshit, Steve. You know we could help."

"I do, but the decision isn't about your skills." Steve snapped, peeling off his shirt and reaching for his suit. "It's about keeping you both safe. If this is Karpov's team and they're calling for him then it could be a trap for Bucky. If Brock is there, it could be for you, we don't know." He looked at her, found her face pinched with frustration and anger. "You two being there would be a risk that I'm not prepared to take."

"I would be fine."

"I never said you wouldn't be…"

"And you know I can hold his own against these guys, probably better than you could considering he helped _train_ some of them!" She exclaimed, rolling her eyes. "And if this is them calling us out I'm not going to stay here like a coward and let you fight my battles! I'm coming with you and that's – "

" _No_. You're not. I can't take the risk having you there because _I don't think I'd be ok_." Steve's tone hardened and he glared at her. "I wouldn't focus. I'd be too worried about _you._ For once in your damn life, Aurora, think about someone other than yourself! _"_

He turned away from her as his fingers fumbled on the buckles of his suit. He paused, holding his breath for a minute as he tried to relax. If she still couldn't see where he was coming from then what was the point of trying anymore? He didn't know why he couldn't give up.

"Ok." He voice was so soft he thought he might have imagined her speaking, but when he looked at her again her gaze had softened. She stepped forward, swatting his hands away to help do up his suit. She didn't say anything as she worked to buckle him in.

"I'd worry about Bucky too," he added after a moment just to fill the silence. "I just got both of you back, I'm not ready to have to fight for you again." His shoulders slumped a little in defeat.

It was the truth. He wasn't ready for things to go wrong, for her or for Bucky. He wasn't ready to let her go yet. He glanced at her when she didn't say anything and found her staring at him.

"I understand," she said simply. She reached for his chin and pulled his head down to hers, where she planted a searing kiss against his lips before pushing him away. Steve loosed a breath as his lungs fought to work again. Aurora cleared her throat.

"I'm mad at you, but please don't die," Aurora said in a clipped tone. A second later she was gone, spinning on her heel to stalk from his room.

Steve's head spun from the shock of both the kiss and winning an argument against the stubborn woman, and he stood in a daze as he tried to remember what to do next.

"I know why you don't want us to come." Bucky's voice in the door nudged him from his stupor and he cleared his throat.

"That's good," Steve said, grabbing the rest of his suit and shoving himself into it. "Like I just said to Aurora, I'm not ready to lose either of you and something about this situation isn't right."

"No. It's not. I would rather not tempt fate with Karpov. I like having my own brain in my head." Bucky gave a wry smile and shoved his metal hand through his hair. "Roar gets it too, I know she does. She's just bored and restless and scared."

"Aren't we all?" Steve grunted. "Keep an eye on her for me, would ya Pal?" He clapped his hand on his friends shoulder as he passed him, squeezing it tightly. Bucky dipped his head in agreement.

"Two eyes, wide open. You sure know how to pick 'em, Steve."

Steve snorted and shook his head. "That I do."

Aurora was sitting on the porch steps holding onto Lucky's collar when he exited the house. The rest of the team were boarding the quinjet that was in the wide doorway to the barn. Steve was impressed Clint had even managed to smuggle one away from SHIELD. He ruffled her hair as he passed, only looking back once he made it to the jet.

Bucky was sitting beside her now and her head rested on his shoulder as they watched him leave.

Steve could breathe easy knowing that they were safe on the farm. He wouldn't be distracted and he could bring Rumlow down once and for all.

With that in mind he boarded the plane and looked at his team.

"Nat, can you patch Tony and Bruce in. We'll figure this out on our way there." He made his way to his seat and Natasha murmured a ' _aye captain_ '. In a few moments Tony's voice came through the speakers and Steve smiled.

" _Is this where you say, Avengers Assemble, Captain?"_

* * *

Santa Monica Pier was a warzone and the Avengers had landed in the middle of it. Tony and Bruce had gotten there before them and had set up an area with the military and police in the parking lot to the right of the aquarium.

There were 9 super soldiers in total – excluding Rumlow – and they had taken over the pier, starting from the north entrance and extending all the way to bait and tackle shop at the far end over the ocean. Coupled with enough Hydra enforcers to start a small army they had their work cut out for them. Thankfully the agents didn't seem to be enhanced, they were just following orders to round up civilians and kill anyone who tried to stop them.

It would have been an easy enough mission if there hadn't been so many civilians currently trapped among them. With a death toll already in the double digits Steve knew this was going to be a delicate operation so that no more lives were lost.

The world was watching them, confused as to what was happening. To them it appeared that there was no catalyst – there was no racial or religious motivation, just a man proclaiming a new world order and calling the Avengers out as a challenge. Steve knew better of course. The catalyst was the fall of SHIELD and the stolen property he needed so badly to protect.

"Well, they know we're here," Clint said dryly as they stepped off the quinjet and made for the cover of the tents that had hastily been erected in the parking lot.

"There was no way we could have pulled off stealthy for this. People need to see that we're taking action." Steve replied with a quick shake of his head. He peeled off his helmet and let his eyes adjust to the shadows before he moved in further.

"Captain! Over here!" Tony beckoned to him, calling him to a transparent projection screen. They had a 3D map of the pier pulled up, the red dots denoting where the Soldiers were stationed.

"Has anything changed since we last spoke?"

"Not at this stage," Bruce answered instead of Tony, shooting the rest of the team a small smile. "Brock hasn't spoken again, but no one else has died either. I've been talking to the hostage negotiators but I don't think negotiating with them will do much good."

"From what we've seen they're brutal but they follow Brock's word to the letter," Tony interjected, fiddling with something on the table in front of them. The screen lit up and the hologram of the pier flattened, making room to show faces and what little information they had on the invaders.

"There're nine of them in total and around fifty Hydra enforcers who seem oddly military but General Ross claims to never have seen them in his life. Major Talbot is currently having an aneurysm trying to ID them - " He threw a hand over his shoulder to where a man in full military dress was yelling into a phone and pacing like a caged animal. "Video footage is shaky at best but I've managed to pull some things from people's cell phones –" Tony brought the attention back to the table and he pressed play on a video in the corner of the screen.

It showed Rumlow, his crossbones mask over his face, barking orders at the men as if they were dogs. They followed his word blindly and Steve realized that they were just like The Winter Soldier in the way they moved without argument.

"Look familiar?" Tony asked, pausing the video again.

"Any sign of Vasily Karpov?" Natasha asked and Tony shook his head. They'd sent Tony and Bruce everything they knew on the flight over and Tony had promised to research what he could.

"Nothing. The guy has been inactive in the military since the early 2000's and has supposedly been living a blissful life of retirement in rural Russia." He replied. "He's not here today as far as I can tell. All cars in a fifty-mile radius have been searched and surrounding beaches and suburbs are quarantined. We've got SWAT protecting them but no one is willing to risk sending anymore of their guys in because these Soldiers hit too damn hard."

The lack of information that Tony and Bruce had been able to get was demoralizing and Steve rested his palms on the tabletop.

"Do we know who these guys are exactly? Any I.D. matches? It might give us an idea of what we're up against if we know _them_ as people," he asked, flicking to another video that showed a clearer image of one of the soldiers brutally attacking an off-duty cop in front of his family.

"We've managed to get facial recognition hits on two, maybe three of the soldiers…" Maria Hill's voice made Steve look up and he watched as she approached. "Non-descript civilians who went missing about 10 years ago. The one we're not sure on is supposed to be dead. Hydra has picked people for whatever this is based on how easy they'd be to disappear."

"They always have," Natasha spoke again, this time her voice was deeper, huskier. "It was like that for the Widow program. Girls stolen from overcrowded families. Picked off streets. Adopted from orphanages…" She looked away then as Clint placed a hand on her shoulder. "No one misses you if they don't know you exist."

"So really all we know about them is that they've done something to them to make them like, well… Steve." Sam asked, folding his arms across his front.

"Barnes. They're closer to Barnes," Natasha clarified. "Steve still has his autonomy. These guys don't. This will be a kill-or-be-killed situation. I hope you all know that." With those words she turned on her heel and disappeared further into the tent, Clint following close behind. Steve watched her walk to a wall filled with Intel and he turned back to the rest of his team.

"She's right. We need to end this situation before anyone else dies," he said, hunching over the desk again.

It was like playing a game. He had to strategize where best to put people and that was what he'd always been good at. Even before his procedure, Steve Rogers had always been good at using his brain and that's what he had to do now.

* * *

Author's note:

Sorry I've been absent. My life literally turned upside down but this is finished and ready to be edited and published.  
Stay tuned for more!


	21. Kef

Metanoia

Chapter 21 - Kef

* * *

The pier was brightly lit by the overhead sun and sweat rolled down Steve's back. He wanted to say it was from the heat of the midday sun, but he knew it was because the lives of an estimated 150 civilians were resting on his shoulders and one wrong step could have them all slaughtered.

Somewhere behind him he could hear the sounds of battle: Natasha's Widowbites as she attacked, and the grunt of Clint as he swung his bow like a bat. In the air Tony's repulsors fired and Sam's jets hummed as they ducked in and out of the fray, plucking people to safety when either of them got the chance. This was coupled with _tck-tck-tck_ of gunfire, turning the heart of one of California's most love tourist attractions into a warzone.

They'd managed to kill four of the nine enhanced shoulders already, three of them at Steve's hand. His objective now was to get to Rumlow as quick as he could. There was a chance that if he took him out, the rest of them would be useless.

" _Cap, I got eyes on Rumlow,_ " Sam said, his words music to Steve's ears. " _Heading into the Carousel, he's alone, but be cautious."_

Steve oriented himself and saw the Hippodrome building up ahead, it's pale walls a beacon on the pier.

"I'm on my way there now. Bruce, what's the situation with the Hydra soldiers? How many more do we have to take out?"

" _US military seem to be handling them now. Several arrests have been made and we've had a few casualties. Cut their numbers by a third though, so that leaves you guys to take down the Enhanced,"_ Bruce replied, having been left in the tent to avoid having to use The Hulk. The quarters were too close for something of his size and there were too many civilians that could get hurt by him in the crossfire.

"And civilians numbers? How many have we accounted for?"

" _Around 90 but we have no way of knowing exactly how many of them there were on the pier in the first place. It's a Saturday at the start of tourist season… best estimate is that there were between 200-300 people on the pier at the start of the attack, with around 90-120 remaining now. The military have pulled people out but a full sweep hasn't been done."_ Bruce paused " _There's also been civilian deaths, we're still getting numbers on those._ "

Steve loosed a breath as he tuned Bruce out, his stomach in knots but determination in his veins.

He pressed himself against the wall of the Hippodrome, hunting for answers. It was quieter on this part of the pier and he wondered why. Soldiers, super or otherwise, hadn't stopped him from making his way here. It made him nervous and had him feeling like he was walking into a trap. His team was doing a good job but the pier wasn't all that big. He should have at least run into someone who wanted to stop him by now.

"I'm going in after Rumlow. Keep taking those guys down. Widow, if you can get over here to cover me that'd be great."

" _On it, Cap. Just let me… Oh, hey Soldier –"_ Her voice turned sickly sweet before there was a crunch and the familiar sound of a body hitting the floor. " _I'll be behind you in 5_."

Steve steeled himself up and pushed into the building, holding his shield high in front of him in the event of an ambush.

The carousel was still and quiet in the middle of the atrium, and it reminded him of something he'd seen back in his day. The wooden structure was bathed in light that streamed in through the arched windows, giving it an otherworldly feel, which would have been beautiful under different circumstances. There were people cowering against the center column; mothers and their children were taking cover as best they could, all of them looking terrified and desperate for help. They must have been on the ride when everything broke out. Steve jumped on his coms right away to get someone over to get them out.

"I have hostages in here. Women and Children _,_ " he said as he flashed a little boy with tears streaming down his face a confident smile. The kid buried his face into his mothers' neck and her arms tightened on him.

" _We'll send someone in for them, sweep the place, and make sure it's clear."_ Maria was the one who replied to him. _"There should be a way out through the maintenance entrance in the basement, opens under the pier_."

" _I'm behind Nat. I'll get them out,_ " Clint answered Maria, and Steve straightened his shoulders satisfied that these people would be helped.

"He went that way," a woman said in a cautious and low voice. She was cradling a child to her chest and looked terrified, but she raised a hand to point at a maintenance door on the far side of the carousel despite that fear. "The big man with the mask over his face? Th-that way."

"Thank you, ma'am. Someone is coming to help you so just sit tight, ok?" He nodded to her, lifting his SHIELD and entering the door.

The door lead to a stair well and he descended down, realizing after a few moments that he was under the carousel now, in the maintenance tunnels. The lights were dim and the temperature was cool but he pushed on. His earpiece crackled as the reception failed. He knew he should have waited for his team but Rumlow was too important.

He tried all doors he came to and all of them were locked, except for one. He kicked it open with his boot, with his shield up and his gun pointed over the top of it in anticipation for an attack.

But it didn't come. Instead he was met by the sight of Rumlow reclining lazily behind a worn desk, his mask off and resting in front of him.

"It took you long enough, Cap."

Steve could see his face in all its grotesque glory.

Taking a cautionary glance around the room, Steve found that he was in a simple office where there seemed to be nothing out of the ordinary besides Rumlow. Behind the desk was a boiler and a few discarded mops that looked like they were several months past rotting. Steve doubted if anyone had been in there for a long, long time.

"Your defences were good. Had to be thorough when taking them out," Steve shot back and Rumlow smirked. His feet were up on the desk and he looked almost bored, as if luring Steve here was all part of his game.

"Well the plan always was to keep you all occupied for as long as possible." Rumlow grinned, lacing his fingers behind his head in an arrogant show of victory. Steve frowned.

"The plan?"

"Everyone has a plan, Cap. What's yours?"

Steve frowned at the question. "To end this."

"Right, of course it is. You only ever want to fix things… the world, yourself… the girl." Rumlow smiled as Steve's spine stiffened. "I'm surprised she's not here. My girl shares the same obsessive want to fix things too."

Steve bristled, knowing he was being baited.

" _Your_ girl?" Steve asked, frowning slightly as jealousy bristled through him. "You mean, Aurora?"

"Who else?" Brock rolled his eyes. "Like it or not she's the one thing we have in common. _But she's mine_ ," he snarled, his casual facade slipping for a second. He breathed deep before smiling again. "We were doing just fine before you decided you wanted her again."

"I never decided that at all." Steve shook his head, levelling his gaze on Rumlow.

"You see that's what I thought at first. Back when you still thought I was on your side and you saw us together. I didn't think you would come between us. You and I were friends after all." The sneer pulled at his scars and twisted them, making him look like he was made from clay.

"We were never friends." Steve shook his head. Rumlow snorted, sneering at him in derision.

"I'm heartbroken," Rumlow bit sarcastically with an eye roll. "Still, friends or not she assured me whatever you two had was over. She talked to me about you sometimes. Late at night after we were both spent from fucking. She had me entirely convinced she was over you."

"So what made you change your mind?" Steve snapped out, trying hard to ignore almost every word he said about her. He didn't want to know what had happened between the two of them. She'd only made it seem casual but he was getting the sick feeling that it was more than that.

"She was Hydra. She may have thought she was a double but there's no way I can be double crossed… and then she saw you again and suddenly she's SHIELD?" He spat, the spittle hitting an inch to the left of Steve's boot. "Bullshit. She _hated_ SHIELD… but she loved you. Even after you practically killed her." Steve flinched at the hard words. Rumlow caught the reaction and smiled. "You told her she was worthless; Said she couldn't do things. I'm guessing that you probably wouldn't let her come. You probably fed her some bullshit about it being too dangerous, what if this was a trap for her?" He waited expectantly and Steve knew he was treading dangerous waters.

Rumlow was under his skin, getting into his mind and twisting things he thought he had worked out.

"Is it?" Steve asked, the back of his neck prickling with anger. His fist was gripping his shield strap so tightly his fingers were hurting. Rumlow was goading him, trying to get a rise out of him so he would lose focus.

"No. No this was always just a distraction. One that you couldn't say no to. None of you could." Rumlow dropped his arms from his head and placed them on the table.

Steve frowned. "A distraction for what?"

"Karpov taking back what's his. The man is smart, I'll give him that." Brock grinned. "He's gonna help me take back what's mine too. That's the deal."

"You have no idea where she is," Steve spat, his jaw clenched so tightly as even he didn't believe the words. The thought was in his mind now.

Rory would do anything to keep any of them safe. What if something had happened while he was gone and this really was a distraction to take her? That's how Zemo took her from him last time. Who was to say Karpov wouldn't use the same tactic?

His mind raced and he hoped his team wasn't far away. He'd been dumb to come down here on his own. His coms only crackled with static and he didn't want to call on them and show Rumlow how scared he was. He was flying solo for the foreseeable future but surely someone would be coming after him soon.

"You can't be sure she's where you left her, can you?" Brock laughed, reading the expression on Steve's face.

Steve straightened his shoulders and cleared his throat. Rumlow's mind games might have been working on him but he knew that the other man felt the exact same way about Rory as he did.

So naturally, turning the tables was the only option he had to stall for time.

"Oh I know exactly where she is," Steve said in a voice far more confident than he felt. "I put her there myself with the promise that when I got back we would talk about us. Hate to be the one to tell you this, Brock, but she's quite eager to see if she and I can make things work again. I mean, we worked just fine this morning… and last night. Same intense chemistry we've always had in bed - "

Rumlow's chair thudded to the floor with enough force that Steve was sure he heard something crack. His eyes blazed with anger and Steve knew he'd hit a nerve.

"I hate to say it, but I think you're old news." Steve shrugged, flexing his fingers on the band to his shield.

"She _loved_ _me_ , _"_ Rumlow roared, his face twisting. "She loved me more than she ever loved you. I never hurt her like you did."

Steve's jaw clenched as the truth hurt but he shook it off.

"No, maybe you didn't… but you're still second best to me," Steve taunted, the words sliding off his tongue far easier than he imagined they would. "She used you to get over me but look what happened as soon as I came back into the picture… She left you to be crushed by a building and came running back." He smiled as Rumlows' face went red. "That day she stayed at her sisters? The one when you almost caught me at the mall? She was with me."

Rumlow's eyes widened with rage before he swiped the desk across the room with a closed fist. Steve took a step back calmly, watching him bellow like a bull.

"She'll love me again," he growled, drawing himself up to full height. Steve took a small step back, realising that whatever they'd done to save him had made him bigger and his presence took up the room.

"Will she?" Steve rolled his shoulders, sensing the fight that was coming.

The ex-SHIELD agent was as fast as Steve remembered and hit a little harder as he rounded on him with jabs, crosses and a hook that felt like a sledgehammer. Steve could only block as he advanced, bracing his forearm over his head with his shield above him. He sucked in breath after breath as Rumlow's blows landed, rattling his teeth. Maria hadn't been wrong when she'd guessed Rumlow had been enhanced.

Soon Steve had the wall at his back and he had no choice but to dodge a wild uppercut and dive under the fast fists to even the game, grabbing Rumlow in a clinch that allowed him to throw his knees into his abdomen.

They grappled for five long seconds, evenly matched in their fight. For every knee Steve pummelled into Rumlow, he received a blow overhead in return until both of them loosened their grip and stepped away from each other to catch their breath.

Rumlow circled him, his steps solid and sure, his eyes screaming with bloodlust. Steve watched him closely, circling with him, never letting him step without stepping too.

Rumlow let out a low laugh.

"I knew you were the one who taught her how to fight. I could just… feel it." His fists clenched, the gloves creaking in the silence of the labs. "You both have the same moves… the same way you throw a punch…" he said with a breathless exhale. He was having far too much fun with this. It was like the fight meant nothing to him.

Something wasn't sitting right with Steve. Rumlow had something planned. He could feel it, but he just couldn't work out what it was.

"I didn't teach her but I sure trained her hard. It's how we got closer I guess," Steve said calmly, his heart hammering in his chest. Not knowing Rumlow's angle was making him nervous. Nothing Rumlow was doing made sense, even by unhinged psychopath standards.

"That explains why she was all over me the night I taught her how to kill," Rumlow said in a teasing tone and Steve's heart stopped. His eyes grinned at the expression that must have been on Steve's face because his next words sounded delighted. "Oh yeah, Rogers. I was there when my girl took her first life. Let me tell you, the sex after was –"

He never finished the sentence as Steve charged forward, fury pumping through his blood. The one thing he would never like about who she was now was her ability to kill without a second thought. She'd never been like that before.

There was too much cold blood on her hands and now Steve knew exactly who to blame. All sense of reason left him as he attacked.

Rumlow had to be stopped. He had to be brought down and taken in no matter what- not just for the safety of the people in the building but for hers as well. He needed to do this for Aurora because after everything she'd done, all the years that had passed, he still loved her.

"The way she looked after she killed her first target was beautiful, Rogers," Rumlow spoke through Steve's attack, his voice full of smug satisfaction as Steve's control slipped. "The way her eyes went dead and cold. The way she fucked me so hard I saw stars… I don't know if she was trying to forget but I like to think killing made her so fucking hot for me that –" His words were only cut off by Steve's fist to his throat but he still managed a laugh. Blood pumped through Steve's ears, drowning out any more words about the woman he loved. His muscles felt heavy and worn out but he kept fighting, fighting for her and only her.

"She is not yours. She never was and never will be," he growled as he squeezed Rumlow's throat.

"You… sure… about that?" Rumlow asked, his teeth bared and pulled back like a rabid dog. "How do you know you weren't followed to wherever it is you're squirrelling her away? Are you sure that place is safe?"

Steve sneered and squeezed tighter.

"The farm girl look is so hot on her." The words were a wheeze but they shocked Steve as badly as if Rumlow had shot him.

Steve's fingers loosened for a fraction of a second and that was all Rumlow needed to throw him off and turn the tables. The breath left Steve's lungs as Rumlow pushed him face-first into the floor. His arms were pinned behind his back, effectively rendering him helpless.

"I'd kill you but I want you to live through losing her… again… to me," Rumlow's voice was a rasping puff of hot hair on his ear and he writhed to break free from the hold.

Steve drew a breath as rage flooded his system but he had no chance to move as Rumlow grabbed a handful of his hair and wrenched his neck back. The solid concrete floor cracked in several places as his forehead was driven into it, rattling his brain hard enough to make him as useless as an infant. His limbs went lax as his brain threatened to give up on him.

"Oh yeah, by the way," Rumlow spoke again, his voice dim under the ringing in Steve's ears. "Madam Hydra sends her regards."

Something stung Steve's neck and cold flooded his veins. Between the throbbing in his head and the venom in his blood it was only a matter of seconds before the world went black around him and he passed out cold to be left at the mercy of Brock Rumlow.

* * *

Rory sat on the porch steps and watched the Quinjet take off and then disappear into the brilliant blue sky. She was still mad at Steve for ordering her to stay put, but she understood why. It wasn't safe, for either her or James to be out in public when they were virtually the two most wanted people in the United States, hell, and the world.

At least on a farm in the middle of Iowa, no one knew they existed.

That still didn't make her feel any better about her friends going off to fight a battle without her. It made her feel useless and cowardly and it took all of her effort not to call Maria and demand she send her a jet to go after them.

"I get that you want to help," James said quietly from where he sat beside her. "But we can't." He was her rock now and she wrapped her arm around his bicep and buried her face into his arm, giving a heavy sigh.

"And I get why we can't," she murmured. "But that doesn't mean I have to like it."

"I don't like it any more than you do, doll," James replied. "This is my fault. Karpov and his men are after me and I'm not even going out to meet them." He was tense beneath her fingers and she dug them into his arm, shifting her head to look at him.

"It's too dangerous. He would only use you."

"I know he would and that's what I'm afraid of. If Karpov has that book then I'm done. All he has to do is say the words and I become a mindless drone who would kill anyone he was asked me to." He cleared his throat. "I could kill you."

"You're getting closer to not being able to be wiped again, J. Maybe you'd be able to fight it?" Rory said, resting her head back onto his arm and holding him tightly. She stifled a yawn as James shrugged in response. She was tired in that weary kind of way that she felt in her bones. A small part of her was glad she wasn't fighting. There was only so much adrenalin her body could take.

"I don't want to take that chance," James muttered after a moment.

Rory nodded pulling away from him.

"I know…C'mon, let's go and watch the news while we wait for them to come home. I've gotta call my grandparents too and make sure they're ok…" Roray said, trailing off. She stood and dusted her hands off on her jeans. Her family would be fine. They were in Tony's home in Malibu, which was probably the safest place on Earth; but she still needed to check in for her own peace of mind.

She held a hand out to James and he took it, hauling himself to his feet as they went inside.

James flicked the TV on as she dialled the first number she had ever memorized in her life and waited for someone to pick up.

" _This is Dugan?"_

Just hearing her grandfathers gruff voice brought tears to her eyes and she smiled.

"Hey Pa. It's me, I'm just checking in," she said, her voice sounding uncharacteristically soft to her ears. Even James glanced at her in concern and she waved him away, assuring him she was fine.

" _Aurora my girl!_ " Dugan bellowed loudly. " _How are you? Where are you? You know when I reminded Steve about the safe house I didn't meant for you to blow it up!"_

Rory laughed knowing her Pa's scolding tone was more in jest than actual anger. She pushed outside into the heat of the day.

"Well I didn't do it intentionally," she said. "It also technically wasn't me who blew it up, it was Hydra."

" _Oh yes, how could I forget the technicalities?"_ He laughed. She imagined him rolling his eyes and rubbing his bushy moustache.

"Will it be ok?" Rory asked tentatively. He gave a heavy sigh.

" _The damage was mostly to the front room and you know how much I hated that room."_ She laughed at that. " _It was too purple, too stuffy… I'm not entirely sad it's gone. It can be rebuilt. Don't worry yourself about it"_

"It's our home, Pa. How can I not worry?" Her voice was soft as she spoke, filled with far too many emotions to even try and name.

" _Because you have more important things to worry about, like this crisis in Malibu… you're not coming with the Avengers are you?"_ He asked.

"I'm not,"

" _Did you and Steve part ways again?"_

She frowned. "We didn't, but what makes you say that?"

" _I just figured that when the Avengers were called to action you'd have been first in line."_

She frowned and leaned against the porch railing.

"I wanted to be Pa but Steve decided it was too risky. He made James and I stay back at the – at the place we're at," She corrected herself quickly, not sure if she should tell her Pa where she was. It was more for his safety than hers. The less he knew, the better, just in case.

" _Ah yes, my granddaughter is SHIELD, Hydra and the US Government's most wanted,"_ he said dryly. She snorted.

"You forget I'm with James Buchanan Barnes, Pa."

" _Sorry,_ second _most wanted. We're still so proud of your accomplishment though!"_

She laughed again, feeling tension drain from her body. It was nice talking to her Pa and his humor made her feel slightly better about the situation. She rolled her shoulders, tiredness seeping into her bones. She felt like she could sleep for a month.

"I'm still the favorite child," she shot back, making him laugh.

" _As long as you don't tell the others,"_ he replied.

"How are the others?" She asked, thinking of her siblings.

" _Oh getting there. Going stir crazy of course. The fight in Santa Monica broke out and it was all we could do to stop Grant and Tim from running along with Tony and Bruce,"_ he said in exasperation.

"What kept them back?" She asked, knowing it would be something like locking them in.

" _Their kids."_ Her Pa's simple words put into perspective exactly how dire the situation with her family was. She'd put them all in danger, uprooted them from their lives and made them sitting ducks. For Tim and Grant to not run head first into a firefight, their kids were their world and she would do anything to protect that for them. That weight settled on her shoulders and she closed her eyes.

" _Don't beat yourself up about this, Aurora,"_ her grandfather said in a gruff voice after her long silence gave away her thoughts. " _This type of thing was a long time coming. Your grandmother and I made a lot of enemies back in the day and it makes sense that you have too, but we are absolutely fine. We're safe, Tony has made sure of that, so please don't be too hard on yourself."_

She nodded, taking in her grandfathers' words. He'd acknowledged that this was her fault but also that he understood why. He had done the job before and he also knew the risks. They all did.

"Have you heard from Steve?" She asked, needing to change the subject.

" _No… The Avengers are coming to, aren't they?"_

"Of course. They left about 30 minutes ago?" She looked at her watch, surprised that the day had slipped away from her.

" _From where exactly?"_

"The less you know the better, Pa. It shouldn't take more than 45minutes for them to arrive, if that. They're in a Quinjet and Barton is flying it. He likes pushing the limit."

" _Alright my girl. I'll trust you."_ There was a noise on theother end of the line like Dugan had covered the mouthpiece and then he was back. " _Your grandmother wants a word. I love you, Aurora."_

"Love you too, Pa." She smiled. She'd have given anything in that moment to be wrapped in his arms again like she was 5 years old. The phone was passed over. "Hello Grandma."

" _Oh my Darling it's good to hear your voice."_ Peggy's crisp accent was like music. Rory took a seat on the top step, resting her arm on Lucky when he sat down beside her. " _Are you ok?"_

"Yeah, we're fine, _"_ Rory replied, filling her grandmother in on everything that had gone on since they'd last spoken a little over three weeks earlier. That had been when she was at Stark Tower, after being shot. Her shoulder ached from the memory and she rubbed it.

God it felt like it had been years since that moment, but in reality it had been only a little over 2 and a half months since she'd returned from Australia, 9 weeks since SHIELD had fallen and 2 weeks since she and Steve had sort of patched up their differences.

It was no wonder she felt physically and mentally tired and she said as much to her grandmother.

"I just wish it were over, Grandma."

" _I know my darling and it will be soon,"_ Peggy replied, her voice filled with nothing but love and support.

"When it is I don't want to do anything but sleep and just exist without watching my back," she added, stifling a yawn on the back of her hand.

" _I'm sure that can be arranged. We'll move back to Boston. Settle down, live quietly._ " Peg's promise was like music to her ears and her eyes burned with tears of frustration and tiredness.

God hoped it could be that way. She was done with espionage. She was done with being someone she wasn't. She'd proven her point and ruined lives in the process. This life just wasn't worth it anymore.

She said goodbye reluctantly to her grandmother a little while later, promising to call again soon. When she went back inside the war at Santa Monica was still raging and she watched the screen as she fell into the sofa beside James.

"How is your family?" He asked, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye.

"Safe," Rory replied, settling against the cushions and curling her feel underneath her butt. "That's all I can ask." She yawned again. "Any news from Santa Monica?"

"Fight's still going strong but news crews were taken out of there a long time ago. The stuff we're getting is from a distance or replay of earlier." James turned the volume down but the images still flickered across the screen. She looked for her friends but scenes kept changing too fast and she only caught glimpses of half of them. Social media would have been better to follow it with but she honestly didn't want to. What she really wanted to do was sleep.

"That's good then." Rory nodded, closing her eyes. Although she wished she had been there, it was nice to be able to close her eyes without fear of anyone attacking them. The farm was so silent and still. Perhaps when this was all over she'd live on one. She'd get another dog to keep Biscuit company.

It was a nice thought and she drifted in and out of sleep, as she lay curled up on the couch. James sat beside her, as a silent and comforting presence that made her feel safe. Everything was a haze and she didn't know how long she'd been out when the buzzing of her phone pulled her from her almost-sleep.

She groaned, burrowing deeper into the couch. She was too tired to talk to anyone.

"That's your phone, doll," James chuckled when the ringing continued. Rory felt it hit her side as he threw it at her. "It's your lover."

"Not my lover," she mumbled back, pulling herself from the almost sleep she'd fallen into. She cracked an eye and looked at the screen. Sure enough, Steve's name flashed across it and the thrill of excitement she got in her stomach made her out to be a liar.

"Yeah, sure. I heard you the kitchen back in Boston," James muttered as she walked away. "Probably a good thing it was blown up after what you two did in it."

She gasped a laugh and swore at him before she answered the call.

"Finished saving the world already, Hero?" she asked with a smile, burrowing deeper into the cushions of the sofa.

" _Not quite, cupcake. Your hero just might need saving."_

* * *

Author's Note:

And I leave you on a cliffhanger! Sorry. Next one out soon. Thanks for all the love and support.


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